Don’t Mess With The Zohan

Wally (***1/2)

Waldo(**)

Starring: Adam Sandler, John Turturro, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Nick Swardson, Lainie Kazan

Director: Dennis Dugan

Screenwriter: Robert Smigel, Adam Sandler, Judd Apatow

LOGLINE: A superhuman Israeli commando goes to New York City to pursue his dream of being a hair stylist but his past comes back to haunt him.

BOTTOM LINE: Sandler fans should love it but check reality and suspension of disbelief at the door.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

WALDO:       Ignorant. I could feel myself loose brain cells watching this.

WALLY:        This movie was awesome! You’re a total I’m-Such-An-Artsy-Nerd-douche-bag that’s why.  Why can’t you have a little funnage?

WALDO:      Well I guess if you consider taking a horrific middle-east conflict and making a mockery of death and stereotypes while making stupid sex jokes fun then wahoo! Strike up the band.

WALLY:      This isn’t that kind of movie Waldo. Chill. Sometimes you just gotta let go and realize there’s more to your life than having a little penis. It’ll be ok.

WALDO:      What?! I don’t have a little …who told you…the doctor said…fuck you, its cold in here.

WALLY:       This is the kind of comedy that’s not for everybody. Especially art house fans, people who can’t suspend disbelief and nerds with small dicks. Sorry Tucker Carlson.

WALDO:      What? Ok, not sure how many people are gonna get that one. Anyway, Zohan is a superhuman-like commando who does things that aren’t really possible. It’s way over the top like Austin Powers. It’s hard to take. Know that going in.

WALLY:      That’s what she said. Doh!

WHAT THERE IS OF A STORY

WALDO:      Ahem. He’s tired of the constant fighting in the Middle East  and comes to America to pursue his hairstylist dream. He eventually gets a job sweeping up in the salon of a Palestinian woman, Dalia, played by Emmanuelle Chriqui. An Israeli working for a Palestinian? What a laugh riot?

WALLY:      Dude, she was so hot. I liked her in Entourage, not that she’d go out with that redhead loser in real life, but I didn’t think she was that amazing. But in this movie she was smokin’ hot as the Arab chick. I never thought I’d be into an Arab chick. When Arabs fuck and they’re about to cum I wonder if they go “I’m gonna cum…I’m gonna cum…Mmm-alalalalallalalalala!!!!!” And then start shooting rifles into the sky.

WALDO:     Oh my gawd. You didn’t just say that.

WALLY:      Well at least they have a towel right there and ready. “Let me get that honey. Got a little in your hair.”

WALDO:      Wally! Jeez you’re about as sensitive to race relations as this movie was. That was one of my many problems was the over the top stereotypes played for laughs. A lot of Hummus used for almost everything Hummus is not supposed to be used for. A lot of Israeli electronic store owners.  Arabs worshipping terrorists like pro athletes.

John Turturro played Zohan’s terrorist arch nemesis, The Shadow, almost overacting as much as he did in Transformers. All I could think as I watched him was “damn, gas prices are high! Great. Now I want to fight an Arab.”

WALLY:      That shouldn’t be hard. “Taxi!”

WALDO:      Well when you hail a taxi in this movie you’ll get a guest appearance by an SNL alum. There is some semblance of a plot to tie together the perverted sketch bits. The good ol’ reliable evil landlord gag rears its ugly head and threatens to kick the ailing salon out to make way for a mall.

But Zohan proceeds to save the salon by giving great hairstyles and having sex with a lot of the older patrons. That is until Rob Schneider playing an Arab taxi driver recognizes him and plots Zohan’s doom. Turturro’s terrorist comes back into the picture and vulgarity ensues.

Will the Arabs and Jews stop fighting long enough to save their neighborhood? Will they realize that in America we can all get along? Will Zohan be able to get a hard-on again since he’s fallen for Dalia?

STEREOTYPICAL BEAT DOWN FREE FOR ALL

WALLY:      The scene where the Arabs and Israeli’s were arguing in the New York streets reminded me of Do The Right Thing. Only greasier, more smelly and less convicts.

WALDO:     Wonderful. You’ve managed to offend three races in one sentence. Don’t forget the rednecks. Dave Matthews, yes the singer, played a redneck hitman hired by the evil landlord to push the tenants out to make way for his new mall. You wouldn’t want to leave out the white people.

WALLY:      Hey, I love redneck chicks. They give great head since they have no teeth.

WALDO:     Great.

WALLY:      No teeth? No brains? No problem.

WALDO:     Check please.

WALLY:      Shee-it, sis. You give better head than ma.

WALDO:     Stop.

WALLY:      Then she goes “I know. That’s just what daddy said.”

WALDO:     Fine. Any other races we should offend since our entire audience is gone by now?

WALLY:      Oh, I almost forgot he had that gay Asian hairstylist too. Why do they always make Asian guys gay? The only Asian guys I know are stocky, bald and DJ our parties.

WALDO:     Well if that’s the worst thing you have to say then-

WALLY:      Except for those rice rocket fuckers that blast past you out of parking lot.

WALDO:     That’s not necessary-

WALLY:      I almost got in a fight with one. I said, “Hey, I recognize you! You put peepee in my coke!”

WALDO:     I just…don’t know how to follow that up.  You’re almost as offensive as the movie was. I’m disappointed in both of you. I want my brain cells back.

WALLY:      C’mon. This is an Adam Sandler movie. He had midgets riding tricycles and Apollo Creed had an oversized hand in Happy Gilmore. You didn’t really think this was gonna be realistic did you? You know what life lesson we can learn from this movie?

WALDO:     Yes. The human beings in this movie are almost as stereotypical as the aliens in the last Star Wars trilogy. But not quite.

WALLY:      No. It’s that we can all get along whether we’re Palestinian or Israeli. Arab or Jew. Nerd or jock. As long as there’s an evil rich landlord white guy to battle then everything will end up all right. And he would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those meddling Arabs, Jews and Saturday Night Live alums.

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