Weesa Gonna Die?

by John Martellaro

June 12, 1999

"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."

-- HAL 9000

I was so excited. Yes, I had read Science Fiction stories in my youth about talking computers, like Mike in Heinlein's The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress. But the first time it hit home, the first time I thought I would actually talk to a computer in my lifetime was in 1968 when I saw Arthur C. Clarke's/Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey. So here I am, 35 years later, and it finally arrived.

Where Did I Want To Go?

But it wasn't such a great experience -- it just wasn't what I expected. You know? I always thought that talking to a computer would be so logical and efficient. I guess I should have known better. After all, given how shaky our computers have been in the past, with a simple GUI, why did I expect anything more from this new OS?

It all started when I tried to look at a letter I wrote.

Computer, I need to see the letter I wrote to my insurance company yesterday.

Woulsa that be a dot doc file?

How should I know? I wrote it with Word 2001 yesterday. Just find it.

Yessa, here it be. Allstate-1.doc.

Bring it up on the screen please.

Fussy, fussy. Can't do that.

Why the hell not?

Huh?

Why can't I see the document?

Which document?

The one we just discussed. The insurance document.

Don't know nutten.

You just found it thirty seconds ago.

Yessa. Here it be!.

Now let me see it.

Fussy, fussy. Can't do that.

Why?

Yousa insurance is, um, renewed in six months. Document date not applicable.

I'd like to see it now. Command override, Sigma Alpha four nine nine.

We sorry. Don't know coda.

I defined it yesterday!

[Long pause] Had a crash date with Melissa's daughter last night. Ohhhh! I'm still confused....

Frankly, John, I was getting quite a bit annoyed at this point. This wasn't the conversation I had anticipated at all. Suddenly, my visions of talking to Hal, quietly and intelligently, just went poof. In my frustration, I thought I'd just turn off the speech recognition system and go back to the GUI. Hey, I can drag and drop with the best of 'em. But I hit a roadblock. I got a dialog box that said the speech system was considered an integral part of the OS and couldn't be separated. Sheesh!

So I decided to pull out the old Windows 2000 DVD-ROM and see if I could just reinstall the old OS. But the first thing I got was a message that said I'd have to reformat the disk to install the old OS. Something about NTFS. Do you know what that is? Anyway, if I did that, I'd lose all my personal work. So I tried one more time.

OK, Computer. This is your last chance. If you don't show me that file, I'll erase you.

Weesa gonna die?

Yep.

Gotta talk to MOMY!

Who?

Microsoft Online Modulated Yammer.

I am your master. You don't need to talk to anyone else. Watch this.

[I leaned over and unplugged the Ethernet cable from the hub.]

We doomed! Weesa gonna die!

Now. Display the document we talked about, or I'll erase you forever -- along with my other files.

Which document?

At that point, John, I rebooted from the CD and reinstalled Windows 2000. You were right. I should have bought a Macintosh.

All the best,

Bob

1. I have been advised by an Apple employee that one cannot, in fact, change the size of the file space allocated to the Blue Box OS. This is fixed by the global: AFAIK. But one can use the Control Panels->Startup Disk and select any bootable volume connected to the computer. That's even better.

2. I changed out the SCSI cable and tried moving the APS external Quantum Fireball back to Vega. This time, the drive was mountable. After Geoffrey Barnett suggested I put Adaptec's SCSI Probe 5.1.1 in the Control Panels and select automount, then the drive mounted at boot. Moral: Life with an add on SCSI card, modified via software for use with Macs, ain't like dustin' crops, kid.

3, I ordered a Kensington USB Orbit trackball to replace the Macally trackball that I took back for a refund. The Orbit, I am told, is a hot product.