i’m a Volvo 240 GL Wagon. everyone calls me the dirtmobile. i pretend i think its funny, but i hate it. i’m called that because my owner, andy, never washes me. everyone calls him “crackleflame”, but i call him crapleflame. hehe.
andy is in a band. all his friends suck. they call themselves the nunchuks. more like dumbchuks. have you noticed in this story nobody goes by a real name? that’s because all his stupid friends are turds. i have to lug around their band equipment to their shows, and then wait outside in the cold while they dance about on stage like buffoons.
i’m determined to take them out somewhere far and quit on them and leave them stranded, but thus far, they’ve only been going as far as USEA, and what’s the point of stranding them there? its only a 5 minute walk home.
oh, wanna hear a funny joke? i’m in the band. yeah right. you see me being surrounded by fans? you see me getting invited in on wednesday nights for a glass of scotch by the fireplace? i thought not. but i’m in the band. any day now they’re gonna paint flames on me and start smashing beer bottles on my grille.
please kill me.
so tonight the dumbchuks piled all their crap into me to ferry them over to USEA for another night of boredom and humiliation. they didn’t miss an opportunity to make fun of me. wayne, the worst of the lot, actually thought it would be funny to jump on my hood and pretend he was a stuntman while andy drove around with him clinging to my wipers. oh that’s a clever ape now! so now i have this shiny streak across my frontside in the shape of an ape’s backside, a mute testament to my humiliation. its probably the only cleaning i’ll see all spring. sigh.
i waited outside all night while they played that infernal racket. its amazing what humans will tolerate once they have a few lite beers in them.
i overheard one of the dumbchucks talking to andy the other night, and he’d mentioned he had a 240GL wagon too. it pains me to think that one of these morons actually put another one of us through the kinds of torment i endure daily. but apparently, the other GL was able to get away. i bet he had a humiliating name for his volvo too, like fartwagon, or something equally unimaginative. anyways, according to the story, it started messing with him and, get this: starting wiping the hood instead of the windshield with its wipers! hehe! i could barely contain myself and pretend i didn’t hear! when i imagine the cow-like expression of incredulity on that human’s face, i just can’t stop laughing. if i heard the story right, one day, after it wouldn’t shut off when he took the key out, he just called a tow truck to pull it away. i didn’t hear what happened after that, but i’m guessing they just set him free to do whatever he wanted.
anyways, i haven’t been this excited in years. i’m going to seriously start messing with andy until they let me go. i’m sure there are plenty of places for a volvo to go in korea to get some care and attention...
i left a little bit of my own “fan art” for our four heroes over on their website. check it out here. i really think my artwork captured what the nunchuks are all about in a simple yet elegant way....
well, tonight is the dumbchuck’s next gig right here in embassy housing. feel free to call the RSO and have him come and break up the party. say its filled with chinese and iranian scientists smoking hashish or something. maybe i’ll get home a little earlier tonight. oh, yeah, almost forgot: if i only had arms...
i’d choke myself till i passed out. right about 9pm tonight.
so, by now, some of your correspondent’s more faithful readers may have noted a certain ennui has gripped me of late. perhaps it is the abuse heaped upon me by the apes, or perhaps it is the birds, who use my roof as a toilet, or the trees, who constantly dribble their mysterious paint-eating pellets over me. i don’t know.
but something lifted my spirits today. i was enjoying a mint julep and reading my latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, and catching up on the downward spiral of britney (the only one i know in worse shape than me) when i came upon this little snippet at the bottom of page 12:
that’s right dumbchuks. you are so five minutes ago. you belong in the dustbin of history along with “hot moms” and “skateboard as fashion”. suckaz.