Parent Tips

Tentative Tips to Perfect Parenting For Imperfect People

1. 1.Do not over-react: Physical and emotional over-reaction creates fear and eliminates behavior imperfectly. It may also create misbehavior.
   

1. a.Teach new skills and tolerances – eliminate need for misdeeds
   

1. i.Technique: Take a breath and count to ten; try to determine the cause of the behavior and help your child through words or actions to understand how to get her needs met appropriately or to understand the situation well enough to refocus, calm and move on.
   

2.Follow through: Do not direct your child unless you are able and prepared to insure that they follow your direction.

a.If you ask her to stop a behavior or tell her to do something, you need to wait until she complies. Do not nag or get emotional. Simply wait and repeat the direction until she does what you have asked. Do not forget to praise your child for complying.

i.Technique: Ignore behavior until you are ready to insure compliance. Children learn quickly to ignore adult direction if at all possible and to wait until the last second to comply – when the adult finally gets angry.

3.Reward the little things: the little skills and tolerances are what build into big skills and big tolerances.

a.Look for small steps in big processes, like putting on the sock when getting on shoes and socks.

i.Technique: Identify the tough times/tasks. Pay attention and reward the small steps or nearly good behaviors.

4.Set reasonable limits and provide outlets for your child’s needs.

a.Expect your child to perform well based on his skills, tolerances and physiological state. No more, no less. Set expectations around what is doable for your child. It is all right to comfort a child who is overwhelmed.

i.Technique: When does your child have the most difficulty? What does he/she tolerate least? Is it reasonable to expect him/her to do well without some help? Is it possible to find ways for your child to overcome his/her current limitation or lack of skill?

5.Allow your child some control in settings that are stressful.

a.Let her choose the music when she must accompany you to the store for groceries or other non-preferred (by them) places. Provide a preferred toy.

i.Technique: Predict the tough times and prepare yourself and your child by rehearsing what is going to happen. Make an agreement, if possible, about what he or she will be able to control, and how that will look.

6.Use negative consequences to teach, not to prove a point.

a.Removing a favorite toy or privilege can be an opportunity to teach a better behavior – short removals with a return of the item or privilege when the child displays the desired behavior.

i.Technique: Tell child ahead of time when you will remove the toy or activity and why. When the target behavior occurs, remove the toy or activity, rehearse the rule and return the toy/activity after the child practices the skill or demonstrates the desired behavior. Try to determine the cause for the behavior. Deal with that first. Ignore behaviors that can be safely ignored.

7.Teach communication as the first step in learning to behave well.

a.Communication between spouses and communication between the child and parent set the tone and the foundation for further growth.

i.Technique: Look at the behavior and your child. Why is the child misbehaving and how could he get his needs met in a different more appropriate fashion.

8.Don’t overuse language when interacting with your child.

a.When a child is stressed his or her ability to attend to and comprehend words may be severely limited by emotion.

i.Technique: Use short, precise statements, e.g., “Tom, please line up!” Avoid multiple direction statements, complex sentences or too much information. Avoid non-stop talk. Pause after speaking, wait for the child to process before helping or prompting. Have an expectation that the child can and will do what you have directed. Of course, help him if he still does not understand. Use gestures and visual support strategies (pointing, pictures, icons, objects) to augment your general speech.

9.Attend to and support your child’s transitions.

a.Transitions are often difficult for children with autism. They have a tough time shifting focus and are occasionally in need of additional input and assistance to get going.

i.Technique: Prepare the child before the transition. Talk to her. Let her know the sequence of up-coming events. Use written words, pictures or language depending on your child’s need for concrete information to insure processing and comprehension. Provide some control to the child by letting her have some input to the sequence of activities and events when it is possible.

10.Promote communication between you and your child.

a.Listen to your child once a day without judgment or need to “make it all better.”

i.Technique: A family talk-time, either at dinner or before bedtime can be used to allow each family member to be heard and supported.

1.Create awareness of child’s issues and how to cope or change.

2.Listen and encourage thought, do not preach or solve problems for the child.

3.Discuss options for problem solving.

11.Understand that nurturing is a developmental need and just as important as saying, “No.”

a.When teaching the hard lessons always end with a hug.

i.Technique: Use your relationship with your child to guide and instruct.

1.Punishment and even tangible reinforcement are poor substitutes for a caring and limit setting parent.

12.Bedtime should be a family ritual for calming.

a.Start early in order to provide some time to sit and be calm together: listen to music, dance slowly, or read a book. Avoid TV and movies that excite just before bed.

i.Technique: Try to be consistent with this ritual. You can’t be perfect, but try to make it something that is looked forward to.

13.Do not undermine one another: Consistency of response to both good and bad is important.

a.Agree on what each of you can and will do when you see good and bad behavior.

i.Technique: Talk – list behaviors (good and bad) – list responses

1.Some behaviors can be ignored

2.Pick one or two behaviors to be really consistent about

14.Find support from friends, family, DDD, school, agencies, counseling.

a.You cannot help your child unless you are physically and emotionally well, committed, flexible, open and able to survive a wild roller coaster ride of sorrow and joy.

i.Technique: List the things that overwhelm you. Look for support for the times/situations and ask for help.

15.Do not allow others to embarrass or pressure you into poor decisions about your child.

a.Well-meaning relatives, friends, professionals, acquaintances and supermarket strangers do not know your child as well as you do and have very little to offer that is as significant as your love, sacrifice and understanding.

i.Technique: Ignore or have a prepared statement to use, such as, “He’s a handful, but we’re working on it.” Or, “He has a disability and has difficulty with ________.

1.Thank you (teacher, psychologist, pediatrician, behavior specialist) we are working on all that and more.

2.Do not dismiss the knowledge of others, but remember that words of wisdom are not always to the point.

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