I’m sitting in Starbucks.  Eggnog latte, ginger cookie, marshmallow square, banana bread, music too loud, writing.

2000 was my Year of Independence.  I vowed that I would go on one “artist date” every week - go do something by myself, for myself, to nurture my creativity and independence.  For a whole year I mostly stuck to it, going out each week either for dinner or a movie or to the zoo.  Most often I brought my journal to the Starbucks on Centre Street, and I always started the entry with “I’m sitting in Starbucks, drinking X.”

That year was life-altering.  I became mostly comfortable in my own skin, mostly learned how to spend time alone without feeling lonely, allowed myself to have interests that nobody shared.  I went to quite a few foreign films, ate at lots of good restaurants.  My goal was to be more independent.  I didn’t want to need people to like me, I didn’t want to be so desperate for affirmation and affection and belonging.  (Because, the fact was, I did not get a lot of affirmation, I did not belong, and I’d just been dumped.)

That was also the year I started volunteering at the Calgary Humane Society, the year I adopted Tasha, the year I met Aaron.  I signed up for and attended, by myself, two beginner drawing classes.  I wrote three pages a day almost every day for the year (and years following) and they fill a shelf in my office.  I was barely an adult but I was learning how to become one.  I read lots of theology books, especially Peter Kreeft.  I was working at my dad’s bookstore, didn’t drive, and was just starting to wear colour after many years of gothdom.

It’s hard to remember exactly what happened and when.  Years blend together and I forget who was in my life, who was not, where I was and how I’d arrived there.  I know that the break-up happened after graduation, because he was my date to grad.  He didn’t want to go to the dance, so I skipped it (there is a reason I needed to learn to be independent!) and I think the relationship ended sometime mid-summer.  That was the spark for all the changes, although I’m sure in reality there were many factors.

There was one month that year that was the first, and only, time that I lived on my own.  I was house-sitting for a friend, and actually living on my own!  It was thrilling, and I’m sure it was a big part of the push to become more independent.  After that house-sitting job was done, I went back to live at my parents house, and stayed there until I got married. 

I wish that in my Year of Independence, I had gained enough courage to have moved out on my own before I got married.

I’ve always felt like I need to do that year over again.  I didn’t learn enough, didn’t do enough, didn’t grow enough.  It’s not that the year wasn’t good - it was everything I hoped it would be and I came out of it a much stronger person, but I don’t think it was long enough.  One year to become a strong, independent adult is just not enough.  Especially not after I moved back home and fell into old patterns that still betray me over and over.

I learned how to be okay on my own, how to be okay without a group to belong to.  Success.

The other two goals - not needing constant affirmation and affection - were not as successful.

First, I think wanting to live without affection is unrealistic.  So it’s okay that I didn’t reach that goal.

Needing affirmation, though, is the thing that still dogs me.  It affects every aspect of my life, this constant need for external affirmation.  It’s not enough for me to think I’m doing alright, I need to hear it from other people.  Often.  Emphatically.  Did I mention often?  And from other people?  Lots of them.

It drives Aaron crazy, and it probably drives everyone else around me crazy, too.  It even creeps into my work.

If I break those goals down like I would break down a behaviour problem, this is what I come up with.

Needing to belong - this behaviour was never very rewarding, because I didn’t ever fit in all that well.  Going on my artist dates was very rewarding, because at the very least I got a vanilla latte out of it.  Simple learning theory says that the behaviour of acting independently would increase in frequency, because it was on a high frequency reinforcement schedule, and the reward was both salient and high value.  So, I approached that behaviour modification properly and it was successful.

Needing affection - this was doomed from the start.  Affection-seeking behaviour has a long history of reinforcement, and there was no plan in place to reward non-affection-seeking behaviour. 

Needing affirmation - this one is sticky.  The reward-punishment pattern is much more messy than in either of the other situations.  Most people dislike someone who is always looking for affirmation.  It’s uncomfortable to feel like someone is depending on you to make or break their day with your opinion of their latest idea, their outfit, or their choice of sandwich.  I know that I do inspire that discomfort in people.  So, it should be punishing to be affirmation-seeking, right?  And it is.  It is very punishing.  Yet the behaviour refuses to extinguish, and I think it comes down to negative attention is better than no attention.  Also, sometimes affirmation-seeking is rewarded hugely, when someone generously tries to lift your spirits or help you feel better about yourself.  So it’s on a variable reinforcement schedule for high value rewards, and it’s on a fairly steady, high frequency reinforcement schedule for a low-value but still salient reward (the attention) 

I feel like one of those dogs who just keep jumping up, and they’ve got this almost frantic look on their face, ears back, mouth open in a stress-pant, getting yelled at but just not knowing what else to do!  You can almost hear them shrieking “I don’t know what else to do!  I don’t know what else to do!  This is the only thing that reliably works!”  I always feel for those dogs, because it can be so hard to teach them an alternative behaviour.  There’s all kinds of stress mixed in with the murky rewards, and the behaviour has been classically conditioned to occur when stressed, but it causes more stress because it’s being punished, but it’s being rewarded with the negative attention, and it’s just vicious!

So.  That’s where I am with the constant need for affirmation.

I need a differential reinforcement of an incompatible behaviour program, like the artist dates were for my feeling like I needed a group.