The Big PreQuit

This period began with my usual good intentions, focused around a quitting event. Those never work, of course. This time, it was the spring break field trip to Bermuda with my marine biodiversity course. As usual, I held out for about 23 hours, long enough to pack, sleep, travel most of the day, and settle in. An errand opportunity presented itself, and I was altogether accommodating. I spent the week consuming at low levels, as being surrounded by students most of the time limits the opportunities. I was getting quite disgusted with myself near the end of the trip, and resolved to use the return home as a quitting event. A long day of travel, followed by a day of rest at home before classes started again would be just what I needed to get two days under my belt. I had heard that there was something about making it through 2 days that made it much easier.

I managed a day and a half without smoking, but broke down at the first real opportunity that Sunday. Still, I managed to begin a period of low consumption, breaking at least some of the established patterns. This may have been an important period of training.

March 15 to March 26 were marked by repeated efforts to quit. Daily breakdowns, and daily anguish with each. Did succeed most days in keeping consumption below 10, some days as low as 3. There were a couple of 20+ hour stints in this period. The really bothersome thing about this period was a constant feeling of extreme lightheadedness that would not go away with smoking. It seemed that I was stuck in this twilight zone, unless maybe quitting altogether would lead me out of it. So I resolved to try.

The last smoking days: Friday, March 27-Monday, March 30

Smoked in the morning, while walking the dog and on the way to work (about 4 cigarettes) on Friday, then threw out the pack and went the whole rest of day without smoke. This effort extended into Saturday, when wife sent me on an errand about 1:30. After about 28 hours, I broke down and had two. Threw the rest into a dumpster, and returned home. Despite the relapse, I was starting to realize that I could do this, and knocked off another 24-hour abstention.

Sunday afternoon, had to get out of the house for some lab work. Relapse City. 6 cigarettes in 2 1/2 hours. Did not throw the pack away, and smoked four more that evening. But I knew I was going to quit very soon. I was feeling just too miserable not to give it a real effort. I smoked about a dozen cigarettes on Monday, March 30, ending just before midnight, and resolved to make that my quit time. The lightheadedness was getting unbearable, and it was accompanied by a feeling that my head was going to burst. I began to worry about my blood pressure, but I attributed this to being on the margin, with withdrawal symptoms that really need to be dispensed with.

Smokeless Tuesday, March 31.

The real quit day. I hope to make this an annual holiday. I followed others' advice: lots of water, limited coffee. I avoided having lunch out, which is a moment of weakness for me. Scavenged stuff out of the lab refrigerator instead. Clenched my teeth on the way home. Made it, but I knew I could do this. Physically, I felt no different from the day before. The real test would come Wednesday.

www.quitnet.org

Day 2. April Fool's Day, and how appropriate. Still lightheaded. Spent most of the day trying not to smoke, and not getting much else done. Found www.Quitnet.org on the web, and actually registered and posted a message-- first time I've told others that I was quitting. As a closet smoker all these years, I was not about to admit publicly to people I knew that I ever smoked in the first place, so this was a useful outlet. Within minutes I received some astonishing enthusiastic support from some very nice and avid strangers going through the same process. This was helpful, even for a cynic like me. I had never dreamed I would participate in a support group of any kind, but there's something about the anonymity, as well as the extremely friendly people, that made it appealing. Here is my original post:

Maybe it will work this time. ToddL on 04/01/1998 13:26:20

I'm in the middle of day 2 now, at 37 hours. Thought it might be useful to let someone know about that.

I've survived day 1 many times, but seldom have made it through day 2 unless I've had no choice in the matter (e.g. imprisoned at relatives'). I think if I can make it through today and tomorrow I may have the best chance to quit that I've had in a long time.

Less than five minutes later, right when I needed it, a remarkable torrent of responses to this pitiful announcement began:

• Re: Maybe it will work this time. Social_Scientist on 04/01/1998 13:31:14
• Todd
• Congratulations on getting through 37 hours w/o a cigarette!!! That is sooo awesome!!!
• It will work this time, because this time you've got us!! come here often, we'll do whatever we can to help.
• Re: Maybe it will work this time. willdo on 04/01/1998 13:59:48
• Todd: If you have made up your mind to do it you will. I have quit many times but was not committed. I thought Iwas but now, I know I was always looking for an excuse to smoke. The feeling I have now is totally different. I know I will never smoke again. I would not say that before. I would say "I will try not to smoke again". Makes a big difference. Stay focused and visit often. Linda
• --- 1m 2w 4d 16:03 smoke-free, 2,325 cigs not smoked, $174.38 saved, 1w 1d 1:45 life saved
  • Re: Re: Maybe it will work this time. johanw on 04/01/1998 14:48:59
    • Hi Linda,
    • I dont know how to say it, but in all honesty, I still cant say "I will never smoke again"
    • How is this possible, I know I have come this far with the support of this place.
    • Confessing this thought was already a good thing, now I remember day 4 on which I was sooo foolish to reward my 4 days without a cig with some pufs, wrong of course. The point is, that feeling is fading away and I still have the chance to be able to say within a week of 3 or so
    • I will never smoke again
    • Johan
      • Re: Re: Re: Maybe it will work this time. willdo on 04/01/1998 21:16:49
        We all march to our own drummer. I'm not saying it should be the same for all. It just worked for me. Linda

        --- 1m 2w 4d 23:20 smoke-free, 2,347 cigs not smoked, $176.03 saved, 1w 1d 3:34 life saved

• Re: Maybe it will work this time. Deb (db03) on 04/01/1998 14:37:41

  Congratulations on your progress so far. You're doing great!!! If you're committed to quitting for good, drop the "maybe" and come hang out with us. We're a great group!! We all share so much together. When someone is up, they share their strength. When someone is down, they come here to get some from someone who is up. Never found a day yet when everyone was on a down. We just may be the support and encouragement you need! This site has been the difference for me this time!! It's not been easy, but it has been worth it. I've never found anything in life worth having that's come to me easy. Let us know how you're doing . . . one craving at a time and one day at a time. --Deb (2 weeks and 1 day)

  • Re: Re: Maybe it will work this time. ToddL on 04/01/1998 15:07:11
    Debbie wrote: ...drop the "maybe" and come hang out with us
    I've failed too often to have such confidence. Besides, I fully intend to start again, for my 80th birthday present. I think I will start to feel successful when I'm measuring time since quitting in some units larger than hours. Days would be good, but weeks might actually be a milestone. We'll see now, won't we?
    Thanks to everyone who has shown such interest! I'll try my best.
    • Re: Re: Re: Maybe it will work this time. SandyM on 04/01/1998 21:37:24
      Todd, Like you, when I was in those crucial first few days of quitting, the idea of NEVER smoking again depressed me beyond belief. So to deal with the situation a bit better through that first week, I kept telling myself " I might smoke again but I wont this time" and every time I had a craving I would think this. It helped. I can honestly say now that I will never smoke again. I feel comfortable with that statement now. You will do it. No pressure. Just lots and lots of support. Sandy (23 days and stronger by the minute)
• Re: Maybe it will work this time. johanw on 04/01/1998 14:38:32
  Hi there,
  welcome to this exotic place. All who visit seem to have some much in common. I am now for 3 weeks and 3 days try to figure out what.
  Enough of that: What to say about day one and more than half of day 2; If you did not decide to quit you where not 37 hours without the nic-demon, and thats already quite something; be proud,
  come often to this place
  johan
• Re: Maybe it will work this time. litton on 04/01/1998 16:26:03
• Todd, Congrats on making it this far!!! All of us here know how hard that is. The difference this time may be as simple as not saying "I am trying" but "I quit", then running like crazy to the Q-net for re-enforcement!!! Your confidence will increase by each hour you do not smoke, and from the support you get here!! We will celebrate your victories with you, and get you through those "mean nasties" that will sneak up on you!! So start saying "IT WILL WORK THIS TIME", then start beleiving it yourself!!!! It's worked for me so far, and its 15 days and I feel great!!!!! about it!!!
• Hang in there, Sharon
• Re: Maybe it will work this time. Anne Ballard on 04/01/1998 17:45:40
• Todd - It took the good folk here at least 3 weeks to make me believe that I wasn't just "trying" to quit. I continued to count days because they added up so much faster. But hours will add up even faster. As one of my mentors used to say: I can. WE can. YOU can. Keep the faith!
• AnneB
• Re: Maybe it will work this time. martha child on 04/01/1998 19:57:43
• Lean on us!!!! That first week is Pure Hell Week....Named well, but you have come to the right place! Keep coming back, post and lean on us!
  Love Martha One month, two weeks, four days, 9 hours, 46 minutes and 1 second. 1392 cigarettes not smoked, saving $174.03. Life saved: 4 days, 20 hours, 0 minutes.

On the way home, I had to return some bottles at the liquor store. I nearly lost it there, but settled for a package of Fig Newtons. Proceeded to a drug store where I checked my blood pressure: 132 over 68 seemed ok. Nearly rewarded myself inappropriately for that, but settled for a bag of Doritos. A very risky nine miles later, I was home, and safe. I did have the recourse of sneaking out in the car to the local liquor store in the evening, as I have done many times, after spouse and daughter were asleep. That is high-risk sneaking, and www.Quitnet.org provided enough diversion to consume my attention beyond closing time. I discovered some astonishing attention to my post about the day's events from Quitnet members, rooting me along with messages festooned with exclamation marks, capital letters, sideways happy faces fashioned from parentheses and colons, and high spirits. I wondered: "Have I joined some sort of bizarre satanic cult?" Cynic that I am, I found this praise amusing at first, but then very satisfying, coming from people who understand, and who actually seem to care.

Day 3: Thursday, April 2

Still lightheaded, but I'm trying to convince myself that it is not as bad as before. I might be learning to enjoy it a little. At least, I've convinced myself from last week's experience that smoking is not going to get me out of this lightheadedness. I'm not going to a doctor about it until I give quitting a fair chance to take care of the problem. Inability to concentrate, both last night and this morning, got in the way of me getting some papers graded and returned. A week ago, the stress of that artificial deadline would have been justification to buy some cigarettes and light up. I've gotten beyond that, apparently. A week ago, I'd have relaxed with 2 cigarettes after class on the way to lunch, and 2 more after lunch. I'm avoiding that problem today. A week ago, I'd have spent the lunch money on cigarettes, but it happened that I had a coupon for lunch and insufficient cash for cigarettes. I could get around that problem by including cigarettes with a credit card purchase, but that would be too pathetic. I have done this in the past, however. I think I will find enough diversions to make it through today, but concerns are mounting about the weekend. I seem to be developing some defenses here at work, but the weekend will be another story, especially with taxes to do and a spouse who, while she has never smoked, could be regarded as a "carrier", if you consider nicotine abuse a disease borne by sources of stress.

Why aren't those who are trying to quit smoking provided with some lenience on their income taxes? We should be able to send our returns at our convenience and leisure, so we don't get ourselves all flustered. I'll bet many quitting efforts are dashed on April 15. Obviously, the government doesn't really care about us, but really wants our money from tobacco tax revenue. Otherwise, there's no reason not to ban the substance altogether. I never would have continued to smoke if I'd had to buy it from the local crack dealer, would you?

Made it out to lunch and back without: 1) spending lunch money on cigarettes, 2) going to ATM for cigarette money, or 3) buying lunch, then making credit card gas purchase with cigarettes added in. Next challenge is the drive home, which I've succeeded with each of the last two days. I think my confidence is improving. Hope things start to get easier than they have been. That's what they say, but I haven't found any day that much easier than the first so far. Posted this achievement on Quitnet.org, along with my intention of making it home.

Made it home for the third successive night, past the gauntlet of convenience stores. This time, unlike yesterday, I did not tempt myself by stopping for a bag of chips. Looks safe until day 4. Posted my triumphant return on Quitnet.org. Tomorrow's stress should be low.

Day 4: Friday, April 3

Surprisingly, I have not yet had a real problem getting in to work safely, even though I used to enjoy those morning smokes quite a lot. As I write this, in late afternoon, I'm anticipating the commute home, having also survived the mid-day lunch time crisis. And this time I had insufficient funds even for lunch, got cash from the ATM and made it safely back to the office without stopping at the Store24. That is seeming like a non-option now, and I think I am missing it less. The cravings still run through me, but I am somehow managing to hold firm. The commuting is causing me less temptation each day, and I am confident that I'll make it home ok.

Now, it seems that it would be a real personal loss to cave in, a real embarrassment, and I'm not going to let that happen. An embarrassment, even though nobody I know even realizes what I'm trying to do. The folks at Quitnet know, however, and for some strange reason I really care about that. I am, however, dreading the weekend. I anticipate new temptations that I don't have a pattern for combating just yet. But maybe I will actually start to enjoy my family more. Could happen, they are both endearing.

A Visit from My Evil Twin.

The first weekend: April 4-5, Days 5-6

Saturday. The dreaded weekend is here. No more goofing off in the office. There are leaves to get off the lawn, leaves that were prematurely trapped by an early snow in November. Somehow, that snow stuck around for nearly four months. Spousal pressure on husband to get off butt and accomplish such long-avoided tasks is very high. Child amusement demands are competing with spousal demands. I'm feeling really lousy, but I am resigned to my fate of going another day. Spring peepers and wood frogs are getting an early start in the swamp; they usually wait until mid-April. How I envy them-- nothing to worry about except having as much froggy sex as possible, with as many froggies as possible. Do they smoke afterward ("I dunno, I never checked")? Got through today by grinning and bearing it, and avoiding all possible temptation situations: no errands (could have fabricated some), never left the property. Taxes will have to wait. Light-headedness, persisting at the same bothersome levels of the previous days, has turned me into a complete moron.

Sunday. More light-headed tipsiness. Smoking opportunities present themselves, when spouse and child take in-laws to the flower show. Need to get stack of papers from office to work on for tomorrow's meeting. This was a visit from my evil twin: he had arranged for me to forget them on Friday, so I'd be all set up for a fall when I had to return to the office. Fortunately, it dawned on me that this was about to happen, and I posted the challenge on Quitnet.org:

Home alone... ToddL on 04/05/1998 12:13:51

I have before me the perfect opportunity, here on Day 6 cold turkey. Wife and daughter out with in-laws. Dog and me home alone with car, and convenience store a mile away. Not only that, but I need to go into the office to get some materials for tomorrow's meeting. Similar smoking opportunities were available yesterday, but I didn't allow myself to leave the property. This time I really do need to go out.

A week ago, this would have been a recipe for relapse. Today, I'm going to calmly drive into the office without stopping at any stores, get my stuff, head back here and tell you all that nothing happened.

Publicizing my vulnerability seems to help, because it adds the satisfaction of reporting in with positive results. Perhaps more importantly, the people there are so kind that I feel I cannot let them down. So, I left for the office with just a driver's license. No cash, no cards. Oops, no gas, either. Scary trip back on an empty tank. Just made it, and gleefully announced this to the quitnet world, who seemed to be waiting with baited breath.

Home alone...II ToddL on 04/05/1998 15:23:05

Made it. Having announced this major challenge so publicly, how could I not? Just to be sure, I took only my driver's license, no cards or cash. Don't trust myself much yet. Then I found myself running on vapors on the way home with no way to buy gas. Whew.

Maybe I'm overdoing the introspection, but it seems ironic that 20 years of failing to pay attention to important stuff, like health, has reduced me to focussing on these minute, trivial, pathetic melodramas. Guess that's yet another price to pay, but nobody warned me about that one.

At least I know I'm not alone! Thanks for listening,

Todd 5 5/8 days

The quitnet did not consider this trivial: I received a flurry of congratulations, as if I had returned from battling the Huns, while congratulating themselves in the process:

You are doing the right thing! Today is my 50th day and the first time that I have been with a large number of smokers. My husband and I were the only non smoker. I did breathe deeply. I am afraid they still smelled good! But I wasn't the least tempted. I watched these folks whom I love dearly smoking. Two of the adults have serious asthma. There were 2 4 year olds with asmtha and all get ear infections. And there are 4 adults, the parents of these children, smoking.

That removed the temptation!

Keep up the GREAT Job! Love-Q-Mom

Q-Mom appeared to have the matriarchal role in this group, always upbeat, wise, and responsive. Our delegate from Belgium, on hearing about my trials and those of Barbb, who was at a comparable stage, wrote:

Congrats to both you and Barbb,amazing how you could resist, be proud off yourself , you deserve it

johan 4weeks

Barbb wrote to confess how close she had recently come to losing it:

When i went to the store I thought about lighting up but I didnt... I held the cigeratte in my hand and just puffed on it without it being lit...

I replied that I could never do that. Can't possess them at all, or I'm finished. I'm at high risk just seeing a half-smoked butt in street, even in the rain. But this is beginning to take on some excitement. Maybe it will work this time.

Sometime over this weekend, I ventured into the chat room of quitnet.org, a somewhat intimidating experience for the newbie, with conversations flying this way and that, the screen being refreshed regularly (and interrupting and scrambling messages in progress).  Some wandered in just to say hello.  They seemed to have a regular spot.  Others, such as db03, engaged people directly and really seemed to care about their progress.  She, too, hid her smoking behavior, at least from her kids.  So did maryellenguthenberg, who had the longest user name of all.  These people seemed far more valuable than the smoking-cessation therapist I saw regularly in 1986, who probably had never smoked in her life.  Craftsman seemed to be the resident philosopher, a very cool-sounding Californian.  Some just checked in briefly, announced which day they were on, accepted their praise and either left or eavesdropped. Some were at my stage in quitting, others had quit for months.  Most seemed hungry for everyone else's experience.

Day 7, Monday, April 6

This day began and ended at quitnet.org, as have most days since the quit.  Early in the morning, a disturbing note from Barbb on her third day, saying she doesn't know if she's going to make it-- feels like crap.

I wondered what becomes of those quitnet members who fail. They do not seem to be there; are they shunned, or do they creep out of the village in the dark of night, never to be seen again? Are they stripped of their posting privileges? I also became curious about the "swat list". A user can develop a "buddy list" and a "swat list". With a buddy list, the system notifies the user when the buddies sign in. Those on someone's swat list are not able to send private messages to the holder of the swat list. So, the mechanism is in place for a classical shunning. I wondered if I was on any buddy or swat lists. I figured either would be pretty cool. This new obsession was succeeding at displacing the old one, but I was beginning to worry about carpal tunnel syndrome.If a particular user is signed in, other users who are not on that user's swat list can send messages which appear immediately at the bottom of the recipient's screen. I confess that it was a bit of a rush to receive my first whisper.

Amid all these wonderments, some work got done, but not much. Ironically, I was building one of the most significant efforts I can remember around the achievement of not doing something.

After daughter's bedtime, I discovered that Barbb had made it through a difficult day. Sent requisite encouragement and congratulations. Went to the chat room, and stumbled into the middle of an interesting exchange between two friends in Nebraska, each of whom wanted me to take their side of the argument. Neither had quit yet, but Shields was on the verge and had announced her quit date. She asked me what I planned to do to celebrate the end of my first week, which was approaching at midnight. I had no idea; I guess I had never really expected to get that far. Maybe it will work this time.

Eternity = Week 1.

Now it is Week 2.

Time is starting to move more rapidly. I am still in a stupor from all this oxygen in my blood, but there is hope of reaching a double-digit IQ in the near future. Still haven't done much constructive. Students are getting whiny about the papers I've been sitting on for two weeks. Know what? They will just have to deal with it. And the rest of the world will also have to live with a nonproductive me for a while longer; it will manage somehow.

Day 8. Stevems posted some musings about total numbers of cigarettes smoked. This made me curious, so I've done some crude calculations in one of my few lucid moments. A pack a day is about a half-mile a year. My lifetime cigarette mileage is about 9.09 miles. About the distance I have to drive home, past all those cigarette vendors. I expected more, like some figure comparable to the distance to the moon and back. Now, a scarier thought is the prospect of picking up every butt I've shamelessly tossed on the ground. Don't get me wrong, I have certainly not thrown all 146,000 of them on the ground, but enough for a serious backache.

ToddL's Fling with Skittles

Remember my trip home on vapors? With a gas can in the garage, I managed to postpone a gas station stop until the trip home on Wednesday (Day 9), when I confronted a rack of cigarettes on the counter of Cumberland Farms. I had not allowed myself into a retail store that sells cigarettes since day 1. And these were not just any smokes; these were Camel Filters, by far my favorites. I really do not care for any others, and probably could have quit years ago if my Hump Juniors had been removed from the market. They were smiling at me as I waited for my credit card to be approved. One of them, a soft-pack, actually winked, and I could almost hear it say "buy me, sailor-boy, and you won't be disappointed." I had been burned by this sort many times, but had never been able to resist. I flushed, and as I diverted my glance, my eyes caught sight of a bag of...Skittles. I had read about them, and I don't mind telling you that Skittles and I had quite a fling in the parking lot that rainy afternoon.

Another confrontation occurred the following morning, when I stopped at the same place to refuel the other car. This time, the advantage is mine, I thought, staring at the Hump Juniors with impunity while picking up another bag of Skittles.

Day 10. Woke up relieved that the pack and a half I'd just smoked in the last half-hour was only a dream. The stupor appears to be lifting a bit. I may have reached the lower double-digits in days and IQ. Cravings are strong several times each day, but smoking is not something I can do anymore. I'm finding some euphoria in that.

Two Neurons Short of a Synapse

Day 11. Woke up relieved to discover that my fervent antismoker colleague, whose opinion I cherish and who does not know that I have ever smoked, did not really appear on the user list of quitnet.org last night. It was a nightmare, thank God. But I did have a meeting with him at 10:00.

I still have not done the taxes.

Spent valuable evening tax preparation time farting around with this web page. Somehow, I can tell total strangers all about my habit, while still denying to those close to me that I have ever had a serious problem. I used to enjoy smoking publicly around strangers in cities while travelling alone, perhaps for the same reason, but I don't know what that reason is. I'm not sure I need to know, and I'm not sure I'll ever tell my family or friends about this. If so, it will be quite some time away. Wierd, I know.

Spouse awakens at 1:30, angry that I have not been doing taxes for the last four hours; I bite my tongue, and think "one, Mississippi, two, Mississippi..." I'm sure she would not understand. Fortunately, it is really too late to sneak out for cigarettes. 

Day 12. OK, I did the taxes, dammit. Most of the work, anyway. Discovered that legal-eagle Spouse did not pay her estimated quarterlies, and we are being clobbered to the tune of $6,000. Spouse lamely finds a way to blame me. This has been a no good, rotten, very bad day.

Could have done it, didn't do it, not gonna do it. Inhale Einstein, Exhale Hitler. She's forgiven, even without asking for it or deserving it. I'm starting to feel better.

Day 13. Easter brings the usual family challenges, including travel with in-laws to brother-in-law's home. Usually a trial because of his wife, who clearly does not like any of us. Spouse (who cannot stand not to be liked) and mother-in-law (likewise) are normally edgy with anticipation of what offenses will occur on the way there, and frequently in tears on the way back. I am resigned to all of this, knowing that whatever happens, I will be a lot more comfortable on this trip today than in previous years, as my needs for cigarettes have diminished. Amazingly, dreaded sister-in-law was actually civil! I think she's on antidepressants. It does help to have reduced needs for nicotine on days like this.

Day 14. Head is still in a cloud, and this day has passed without a single event recorded into memory, aside from a quiet congratulation of self at midnight, the two week mark. It occurs to me that continuing this quit now will take me further into quitliness than I have ever gone.

10. Your spouse has placed large "L" and "R" decals in opposite corners of your windshield.

9. You lock your keys in the car...

8. With the engine running...

7. With a 6-month old baby inside...

6. It's somebody else's baby, but you do not remember whose.

5. You forget the PIN number for your ATM card, and when you call the bank for help, you cannot remember your mother's maiden name, either.

4. Late last night, you found a rhyme for "http://www.quitnet.org."  Today, you cannot remember it.

3. You cannot straighten your mouse-button finger

2. You can readily straighten the one next to it, and do so quite often.

1. You cannot remember whose dried blood that is on the edge of the kitchen sink.

Week 3

I have heard that the threes can be a problem-- day 3, week 3 and month 3. I am skeptical. I don't recall that day 3 was any worse than days 2, 4 or 5. I am optimistic about this week, as others have indicated that the fog may start to lift about now.

There are no signs of clearing yet. The mundane task of assembling tax forms into mailable packages seemed to take forever, and this must have been complicated by the airhead syndrome. I have managed to stumble through all my classes without complete humiliation, grade a stack of papers, and function in a sort of minimalist way, but still have not accomplished anything of importance. I obtained continued forgiveness from my coauthor for ignoring our manuscript draft for yet another week. It has now been over a month since I looked at it. Now my grad student wants to write a paper with me, and an honors student is in serious need of help with his thesis. I've never been secure in having others depending on me, but without them I would probably drift quite aimlessly.

At quitnet.org, Barbb is not having any problems. She's off to Aruba for two weeks, where her resolve will doubtless be tested in new ways. Marva complains about being completely useless. Some have disappeared. No recent signs of Shields, or of MonaD, a California computer store manager who quit on March 30 along with me. Maybe they were so successful that they don't need to obsess with quitnet.org, but I worry otherwise. Stevems can be counted on for amusement, and Social_Scientist appears only on weekdays, promptly reponding to favorite posts with very efficient humor. Key roles of encouragement are consistently upheld by db03 and martha_child, each of whom I feel I have known for much longer than two or three weeks. I'm becoming fond of this village.

Day 16. Post to quitnet.org summarizes the day's high points and challenges:

Some of you may have been concerned about the status of my nose 'n' papillomas. I have been remiss in updating that saga. Someday when my attention span returns, I may try to do that. Anyway, skipping ahead of the story a bit, I had a CAT scan a little while ago, and the dreaded Dr. Polyp just called while my head was in the clouds. Before he hung up, I did manage to figure out who he was and what he was talking about. No signs of recurrence of the Buick-sized polyps that blocked my nose and sinus for almost a year and that I thought might turn out to be malignant punishment for 2.5 decades of abusing the old nasopharynx. Calloo, callay! Dodged another bullet. There may be others en route, but we'll worry about those later.

Now then, remember when I said that I was approaching an IQ in the lower double-digits? That was wishful thinking. I would like to hear some assurance from our more senior members that this airheadedness will eventually abate. I suppose it is possible that I've always been this goofy, and that the nicotine gave me delusions of adequacy, but... Really now, enough is already enough. I've been good. Tell me it will end sometime.

Best always, Todd(Nicholai-Gogol's-got-nothin-on-me-at-Day16)L

Gogol seems an apt role model for me, having written "The Nose" as well as "Diary of a Madman". Who knows? He may have suffered from nasal polyps and tried to quit smoking, as well.

This post seems to have struck a nerve with a few fellow sufferers of airhead syndrome, although only one (DDG) seemed to appreciate (very deeply) the nasal reference. As Stephen Jay Gould once said, "only about 8 people in the world care about my research. But those 8 people care very deeply." DDG's long-suffering husband seems to have been the brunt of more than his share of nose-related humor. I was reminded of my colleague's observation that some topics are so off-putting that they are completely unpublishable, no matter how entertaining they may seem to the author. Among those concerned with the airhead syndrome, the most memorable (?) response was that of Elfie:

• Re: A call from the dreaded Dr. Polyp... elfie on 04/15/1998 20:32:22
  Pardon, what was that you were saying? Or, wait, was I saying something? Okay, let me just take a minute to search around for my short term memory, train of thought and the other various mental tools I use in day-to-day life...

  I cannot reassure you, but I can tell you quite emphatically that you are not alone!

  Cheers from Elfie (9 days)

The most disconcerting news came from Marva:

• Re: A call from the dreaded Dr. Polyp... Marva on 04/15/1998 18:42:38
  I was reading one of the links yesterday (Wellness Web) and learned something maybe everyone else knew - that nicotine affects the structure of the brain as well as the function. ("Continued nicotine use causes an increase in the number of receptors that can bind nicotine, and changes the metabolic and electrical activity of the brain.")

  I'm beginning to think I'm permanently altered and should start to look for some mindless, repetitive work. I'm giving it one more week.

This is just great. So what she's telling us is that we're all damaged goods, doomed to this Reaganesque nightmare? Fortunately, I don't have a job in the real world, as Marva seems to. The thought of trying to quit smoking while actually working at a job that matters (e.g. air traffic controller, neurosurgeon) is frightening.

The Massachusetts Chainsaw Situation

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."-- Oscar Wilde

Day 18. Chainsaw massacres have been illegal in Massachusetts for several years now. We have situations, instead.

Spouse, still unaware of my valiant efforts, is attempting to reform everyone's behavior at once. I have been sneaking in time on quitnet.org under the guise of working on data analyses and manuscripts. Among many other necessary reforms, working evenings on the computer is now on her list of don'ts. I explained that I wasn't really working, but checking the news, etc. and ah, you know. Of course, slothful behavior is no better than working in the evening when there's a laundry room/workshop to be tidied up, and it was no cleaner than when she left it before going to sleep. Whatever had I been wasting my time doing? She was right, as usual. This indolence is not tolerable, but it was necessary. I'd rather focus on just one reform at a time.

Day 19. Still muttering about last night's miseries. Such clashes have always been triggers for me, especially when combined with ERRAND-INDUCED SMOKING OPPORTUNITIES, which are facing me this morning. Thought I'd better tell quitnet.org about this, because a threat was definitely forming, and I had to be deliberate. This process of formulating an approach, in a quasipublic forum, to mundane circumstances is a valuable feature of quitnet.org. So I used it to announce that I had no intention of buying cigarettes at the gas station, but would return with the dry cleaning, Skittles, and gas for the chainsaw, which was not going to be used in any unusual way. Stevems responded with concerns for spouse's welfare (obviously insensitive to my problems). His concerns were somewhat moot; the chainsaw would not start. I did discover the Wild Berry version of Skittles. Privately shared them with darling daughter that evening, to her great delight. That's another little secret. Other than Stevems, I seem to have won most of quitnet.org over to my side of the conflict, and I doubt that they missed the chainsaw reference. Either they thought I was kidding (only partly), or they have had similar thoughts themselves...

I concluded today that the chainsaw malfunction was an act of God, and that we quitsters should probably be denied access to assault weapons, wood chippers, and the like. It also seems only fair that we should get some special treatment. No rudeness please. Let us cut to the front of the line, ahead of the compulsive gamblers paying their ignorance tax. We have, after all, become suddenly superior. Grocery stores should have express checkouts devoted to quitsters. Tobacco free, of course (after all, they have candy-free aisles). We are handicapped, so why can't we use handicapped parking? Exclusive express lanes on highways for quitters would be nice, and might reduce the incidence of road rage.

Day 21. Uneventful day, until I saw an interesting post from Tirsh, who happens to be another ecologist, much younger, quitting in the maritime provinces, entitled "Formulating an approach to work- ToddL style". Flattering, and ironic. I would never have used my name and "work" in the same sentence during the last three weeks. I am pondering a series of inspirational self-affirmation videos on the ToddL style of Formulating Approaches. Perhaps a set of quotations, suitable for framing, or preframed. Could be advertised in airline magazines, or perhaps in Sunday morning infomercials.

Guess what? I've just finished the dreaded third week. It was not that bad, but I'm still waiting for the fog to clear. You may not believe this, but I used to be a lot smarter. Not as wise, though. I have learned one thing: unfair as it may seem, quitting smoking does not guarantee perpetual bliss. Other problems will remain. Nonetheless, I do think I am in this for the long haul.