Suzette writes humor, religion and lifestyle columns for various publications.  She is syndicated with GateHouse News Services. A different column is posted weekly here.


THIS WEEK’S COLUMN BY SUZETTE MARTINEZ STANDRING

Humor
A-Rod, Men and Other Mythical Beasts

	Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees is a mythical beast. At least he thinks so. The champion third baseman has a painting of himself as a centaur hanging in his bedroom, according to a tattletale ex-fling. Thanks to Twitter-mania, a curiosity among kids has been sparked in Greek mythology. (The American education system will move forward one way or another.)

	Historically the half man, half horse creature was a symbol of barbarism but now the centaur represents unbridled passion or an untamed nature. That is such a guy spin on things.  (Should testosterone be a controlled substance?)  
 
	Now that the Yankees have won the World Series, it would make sense for A-Rod to have himself portrayed as Pegasus, the winged horse, carrying all to victory.  His dining room probably has a bare wall or two. Imagine the phone call, A-Rod to artist, “I’ll pay you double if you can finish and deliver it by Thanksgiving.”

	But if the Yankees had lost, he’d be the goat (or more likely Kate Hudson, his “lucky charm” would be).  Now who is the goat man in Greek mythology? Well, a half man, half goat creature is a satyr.   Wait a minute, satyrs symbolize lust and are often depicted at the ready with a permanent…flute. 

	I can hear A-Rod now, “Snap! Call my painter!”

	But he’s not alone in such imaginings. The revelation of his self-as-centaur paintings will no doubt spawn copycats on a national level.  Everyone loves a fresh idea and now in the minds of men they, too, can be portrayed as symbolically powerful.

	If more men had A-Rod’s money ($28 million a year for ten years) there’d be all manner of mythical portraits hanging on suburban walls.  As it is the Average Joe will have to be content with PhotoShop or clip art.  Expect to see male family members as centaurs pulling Santa’s sleigh on holiday cards this season. Jingle all the way, boys.

	Now here are some ideas of fanciful portraits for men we all recognize:

	For the bull-headed hard charger, the Minotaur sports the face of a take-no-prisoner negotiator – agents, lawyers, S.W.A.T officers or anyone who works for the phone company.

	For the man of singular vision, Cyclops is just the creature.  This could include politicians up for reelection, radio talk show hosts or anyone stumping for creationism in the school curriculum.

	The victor who overcomes his smoking habit is the Phoenix. Transfer his smiling visage onto the sacred firebird rising from the ash(tray).

	For the now-you-see-me, now-you-don’t man, he is the Loch Ness Monster, gliding through the waters of life, submerging just when you’re sure you had him in your sights.

	The list of mythical beasts is rich with possibilities, yet sadly few could ever aspire to live up to a self-portrait of the Gryphon. 	
	That’s a creature with the head of an eagle and the body of a lion.  Legend says that a Gryphon was about truth and pure intentions.

	Maybe A-Rod had one of those in another room.  (Can’t you just see him, all sharply eagle-eyed in profile?) But the Gryphon is gone. Maybe it’s in his attic somewhere after that whole Madonna thing.  The cheating was bad enough. But his feigned interest in the Kabbalah?  Please. You’d have to be a unicorn to be that naïve.

Copyright November 2009 Suzette Martinez Standring

FOR A PRINTABLE COPY, CLICK HERE

Email Suzette: suzmar@comcast.net  

Contact Information
Suzette Martinez Standring
205 Gun Hill Street
Milton, MA  02186
(617) 322-1420

CLICK HERE FOR ARCHIVES TO READ PAST HUMOR AND RELIGION COLUMNS BY SUZETTE

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 Suzette with daughter Star and granddaughters Bella and Lulu

THE ART OF COLUMN WRITING

READER COMMENTS

I bought a copy, and was so inspired by it, that within eight days of purchasing it, I had written and submitted a column to the [Boston] Globe.   It was immediately accepted for publication for the South and Northwest editions. 
Louellyn Lambros
 

This book is a minor miracle – and the miracle is that Suzette Martinez Standring  has compressed so much valuable information into a book that is not only useful, informative, and funny, but also at times deeply moving.  How can anyone do that in a How-To format?
Dr. Allan Hunter, English Professor
Curry College



         









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Suzette Martinez Standring  (Photo by Janet McCourt)
Contact Information
Suzette Martinez Standring
205 Gun Hill Street
Milton, MA  02186
Email: suzmar@comcast.net
(617) 322-1420

Suze News:

Congratulations to JENNIFER TEGAN of Milton, MA whose essay was chosen by Suzette as the winner of the column writing contest sponsored by The Connect With Jeanne White Radio Show, Dreamvisions7Radio
Station WBNW 1120 AM Radio.
Read Jennifer’s column about “The Most Influential Person in My Life: 
www.connectwithjeannewhite.com 

2009 CALENDAR

Saturday, November 14
10 a.m.
National Scholastic Press Association
Mariott Wardman Park Hotel
Washington, DC
The Art of Column Writing

2010 EVENTS

Amelia Island Book Festival (FL)
February 12-13, 2009
Suzette Standring and Cappy Rearick, co-presenters regarding memoir writing

Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop
April 15-17, 2009
Dayton, OH
Suzette to speak on column writing

ABOUT SUZETTE’S BOOK

        

THE ART OF COLUMN WRITING: INSIDER SECRETS FROM ART BUCHWALD, DAVE BARRY, ARIANNA HUFFINGTON, PETE HAMILL AND OTHER GREAT COLUMNISTS

AWARDS

First Place Award for Educational Book, 2008 Royal Palm Literary Awards of the Florida Writers Association in November 2008.

Honorable Mention, Writing Category, ForeWord Magazine’s 2008 Book of the Year Awards.

Honorable Mention, Non-Fiction
2009 Writers-Editors Network
International Writing Competition
Buy it on www.amazon.com


Suzette receives her First Place Book Award from FWA Contest Chair Terri DuLong (Picture by Karen Lieb)

BOOK REVIEWS:

THE MAYNARD INSTITUTE’S JOURNAL-ISMS
...The Art of Column Writing isn't just about newspaper columns, she writes. Even in the blogosphere, good writing distinguishes the mundane from the must-reads....
Richard Prince
December 17, 2008
READ MORE HERE

THE WRITING LIFE
www.terrywhalinblogspot.com
...If you blog on a regular basis, then in the broadest possible sense, you are a regular columnist and can profit from the skills and tips in this book...
Terry Whalin, Literary Agent
Whalin Literary Agency
December 14, 2008
READ MORE HERE 

THE WRITER MAGAZINE 
...To the extent that we learn how to write by reading exemplary work, the book is a model teaching tool...
Ericka Dreifus
November 2008
READ MORE HERE
 
In Malaysia, writer and researcher Daniel  Chandranayagam reviews The Art of Column Writing.
Read it HERE  

JANUARY MAGAZINE
The Art of Column Writing by Suzette Martinez Standring sounds as though it were written for newspaper columnists. Don’t let the title fool you: this is a book for all writers of non-fiction, and there are likely a few fiction writers who could benefit, too...
Mary Menke
June 11, 2008
READ MORE HERE

THE  PATRIOT LEDGER (Mass.)
...The book provides valuable guidance on aspects of column writing: point of view, voice, conviction, focus, narrative progression and good writing.  In addition, it discusses different types of columns, the nuts and bolts of editing and publishing and the ethics of column writing...”
Jody Feinberg
March 8-9, 2008 Weekend Issue

EDITOR AND PUBLISHER:
...The book is arranged in a user-friendly format. There are short chapters and lots of subheads, and the information is presented in a variety of ways: tips, essays, Q&As, lists, survey results, and more. Also, the tone is often light and conversational, and the emphasis is on the practical...
Dave Astor
January 22, 2008
READ MORE HERE

THE BOSTON GLOBE
...I suppose there is some useful advice on how to get syndicated, and on "ethics," whatever those are....
Alex Beam
(“Resident Curmudgeon”)
January 9, 2008


Suzette and columnist Ellen Goodman

WHAT OTHER COLUMNISTS SAY

In her new book, Standring tackles the logistics of columns with the enthusiasm of a neophyte and the expertise of a veteran. From developing your voice to getting ideas to writing tight, Standring addresses everything a future columnist needs to now about what is the most exhilarating -- and demanding -- job in the news business.
-- Tracey O’Shaughnessy, Columnist, Republican-American (Conn.)

In today's complicated world, the art of storytelling is more important than ever. Suzette persuaded America's top columnists to show how they do their jobs. I wrote my first newspaper column more than 30 years ago, but I learned so much from reading this book.   
-- Dave Lieber, Columnist
Fort Worth Star Telegram (Texas)

The columnist's mission is to persuade readers by means of facts, intelligence, and humor. By contrast, most bloggers just spill their emotional prejudices. Suzette is a columnist -- the real thing."
-- David Yount, Columnist, Scripps Howard News Service. 

I never thought anyone could write a book that would really teach someone else how to be a newspaper columnist. Boy, was I wrong. Suzette Martinez Standring has pulled it off -- and with flair." 
-- Bill Tammeus, 
Faith Columnist, The Kansas City Star (Missouri)

Suzette is now syndicated with GATEHOUSE NEWS SERVICE
She writes a  twice-a-month Spiritual Life column for The Patriot Ledger (MA)

ORDER HER BOOK FROM 
http:/www.amazon.com
                      
         With Art Buchwald in 2005


        
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