I was asked by a friend before leaving for Germany, “Why are you going there?  All the people are unfriendly and their music is terrible.”  My friend could not have been more wrong about the people; sure, their appearance on average is more dour than in the U.S., but by and large I’ve found the folks I’ve met in Germany to be friendly, outgoing, and helpful.

And their music is terrible.

Now most of the music I listen to would probably be classified as alternative rock or classic rock, so when I refer to music, that’s probably what I’m referring to.  And admittedly, I don’t listen to much in the way of German music sung in the German language.  That’s because most radio stations in Germany don’t play German music sung in the German language.  They play music made in the U.S. and sung in English, and by “music,” I mean “complete and utter shit-noise.”  Do you remember all those songs from the mid-80s until now that you loathed, that you knew portended the death of modern radio, that you couldn’t change the station fast enough to keep from causing your eardrums to explode due to the vacuum created by a song sucking so much?  They’re playing on German radio now.  As a matter of fact, they’re all that’s playing on German radio now.

By doing a quick scan of stations, here’s a breakdown of the music on German radio:

Techno:  5%

Classical (mostly Wagner):  3%

Obscure, deep-track Queen songs that you didn’t know existed:  7%

Falco:  3.7%

Christina Aguilera/Seal/Latest artist being pushed by Clear Channel or MTV in the U.S.: 15%

Anything from the ‘80s/’90s that you thought sucked:  21%

Something good:  0.3%

Nickelback: 45%

It has served as a constant source of amazement and throat-clenching nausea just how much Nickelback is played on German radio.  The fact that Nickelback even exists is well-known as one of the signs of the end days, and it makes it that much worse that the radio-listening populace of an industrialized nation like Germany requests their music with such frequency that they get more airplay than artists with so much more talent, such as any two-year-old banging on a toy piano with a hammer.  Another source of awe is that Falco apparently was permitted to create other songs besides “Rock Me, Amadeus.”  That’s just against the Geneva Convention.

A prime example of a German radio station blowing rancid cock is a fairly popular station in the region known as Radio Regenbogen, which means in English “Radio Rainbow.”  Who knew shit came in so many colors?  Indeed, it does span the entire suckfest spectrum, from Portuguese rap to George Michael to Nickelback to Right Said Fred to Nickelback to Creed to Britney Spears to the Bee Gees to Nickelback to German love songs.  (And in case you want to know how to make a German love song, just sing a typical, treacly American-Idol-worthy love song in English and at random intervals hock a loogie.)  Every hour they report news and traffic, which I don’t understand very well because I don’t speak German, but at least it’s a welcome break from the music they’ve been playing.

So if and when you come to Germany, I can only recommend getting an iPod with the largest possible capacity and loading it up with everything you love, or even stuff that you don’t like but find tolerable, or even just random things you’ve downloaded from the internet and have never heard.  Odds are, it’s still better than what spews out of German radio constantly, and definitely better than Clear Channel stations anywhere on earth.