Amae

Amae, which can be roughly translated as ‘depending on the benevolence of others,’ is a key concept for understanding Japanese personality structure. Amae is vital for getting along with others in Japan and is the basis for maintaining harmonious relationships in which children depend on their parents, younger people rely on their elders, grandparents depend on their adult children, and so on (Roger J. Davies & Osamu Ikedo, 2002).

Due to Amae, the Japanese have difficulties saying “no” or directly rejecting or disagreeing with someone. People hesitate to refuse others for fear of breaking the relationship or offending someone or hurting someone’s feelings. This may disturb the group harmony, the Wa Wa, which can be understood as unity and harmony—‘the desire to be one with those of your group.’ Wa is a concept that, while recognizing that people are not one thing, highlights the desire to be like one thing. In other words, although people are different individuals, for the Japanese culture, basically it is the best when they want the same thing. All in all, this deep level of sharing underpins the desire for harmony in interpersonal relations and a consideration of others within the group. Amae, therefore, is strongly related to Wa.

Even though Amae is meant to create a deep emotional bond with others within the group, it also creates distance from others outside the group. Therefore, the Japanese would not be open and may even be pessimistic towards those outside the group.

Here is an example of how Amae works, taken from the book written in Dutch which translates as Woman breaks loose: many faces of Japan, written by Kjeld Duits, a Dutch journalist who lived for years in Japan:

“The eighteen year old Naomi K. explains her relationship with her boyfriend: “Whenever we walk in the street together, I want him to hold my hands.” However her feeling of Amae makes it difficult for her to take the first step and hold his hands. She wants to be one with him, but he has to feel her feelings between lines and hold her hands. “I would not take action first and hold his hands. I want him to do so. However, I cannot ask him directly to hold my hands, but I give him vague signs so that he takes the first step. I pull his jacket a bit or give him a push softly.” Also Naomi wants him to call her by phone. She waits and waits. “If he did not give me a call, I can’t do anything about it, then I have to call him” she says. “But I want him to call me and ask me out to go shopping. Then I will not call him and will not ask him to go out. I will wait. I want him to read between lines what I want and desire” (Kjeld Duits, 2002).

I consider Amae as a stronghold; it makes people somehow captive within the four walls of being attached and considerate to the group and not being able to display one’s convictions. This can even be a stronghold within the church. If Amae consciously or unconsciously is being applied in churches and Christian fellowships in Japan, it makes it hard for them to reach the unbelievers. Could this be one of the reasons why the church in Japan is not growing?