Let’s face it, you don’t get to sit astride a diamond-studded saddle in the Stardust Rodeo by being weak, sick or ugly. How do the stars stay radiant and taut, especially when they live on liquor, drugs, sex, and exotic rainforest-derived hallucinogens?

 

 

The League of the Protectors of Light and Protein was founded in Rome in the 10th century by the earth-mother goddess Cybele. As an earth-mother deity, Cybele bestowed fertility and governed creatures of the wild. Besides that, her powers included the ability to cure disease, predict the future, and destroy her enemies with fire. And so the Romans flocked to her cult eagerly.

 

During her rites, Cybele worshipers became "ecstatic" by dancing and carousing, whipping themselves into a frenzy where they felt elated, and having orgies.

 

Here are some of the secrets to health and beauty that Cybele developed all those years ago, secrets that have been kept secret from all but the famous…until now.

 

 

The practice of reading livers was common in the Roman world. After an animal was sacrificed, its liver was examined by a priest who would “interpret” it’s hidden directives. Looking at the liver, the priest would reveal good or bad omens from it. Depending on what the liver “said”, sacrifices were made to the appropriate gods.  The same is now true in Hollywood. Celebrities often have their agents or managers harvest the livers of drifters, gardeners, limousine drivers - anyone who strays unattended into their lairs of shimmering privilege. The hidden secrets of the liver, once known, help celebrities achieve incredible health and purity of blood and stool.

 

 

Unwashed wool supplies many remedies. It is applied with honey to old sores, and heals wounds if dipped in wine or vinegar.

 

 

Celebrities never get dysentery. Why? They have unlimited access to the yolks of eggs. Yolks are taken for dysentery, mixed with the ash of their shells, poppy juice and wine. The result? Iron stomached superstars able to travel the globe without concern of dangerous microbial infection in the gut’s carefully balanced flora.