James “Tark” Tarklander is a hobo who lives in an alley by a veterinarian’s office off 3rd Street. He is a visionary, and keeps a notebook in which he writes down portents, omens, tables for predicting the future, and more. I consult with Tark often, in matters of the heart. Also, Tark is my stoolie. I pay him ten bucks to sit on the street within earshot of the front porch of the Urth Cafe on Melrose, so I can hear what kind of deals are going down.

 

But the other day, Tark did something I never expected. I was walking with him down Fairfax, and he was telling me that earlier in the day, he’d seen a murder of crows roosting in a palm tree. This to him signified that soon, very soon, The Sebbolith would be coming. What’s the Sebbolith? I asked him.

 

And Tark turned to me, and his eyes were black, and in them howled all the lost souls of all the world, and his breath stank of sulphur and coalsmoke and rot - although this was nothing new. And he grabbed me by the neck, and began to scream, I AM THE SEBBOLITH!!! IT IS I!!!! MY TIME IS NOW!!!

 

And then horns sprouted from his head, and black papery wings sprung from underneath his rank jersey, and his feet became hooves, and he flew off. Later on, I saw him on a roof. He’d taken off his shirt and was singing Tequila Sunrise by the Eagles. He was good, too - he had a real smooth voice.

 

It seems that we are doomed to see more and more things like this - signs of the end times are cropping up so fast that you go dizzy just trying to keep up. But take heart: I wrote down a lot of the advice Tark gave me, before he became what I guess is probably some sort of demon, and I post it here, in hopes that it will help you survive the fiery tempest that surely is brewing.

 

 

Colors are important. Of particular interest are the virtues of red flannel. A common remnant of red flannel relieves backache, and can also be used to treat whooping cough. In this case it is applied to the chest of the sufferer, and, to have the full effect, it should be put on by the godfather of the patient. For sprains, a piece of red thread may be tied around the affected limb or joint. This is especially effective if nine knots are tied on the thread. Some of you will have seen pieces of red cloth tied on the tails of cattle. This is done to protect them against dangerous fairies or against the evil eye, or against elf shot. Blackleg may be prevented by putting a stitch of red thread through the dewlap of the animal and leaving it in position.

 

2) Blood Poultice

 

Tark cured his shingles by making a poultice of cow’s blood, MD 2020 “wine” and fresh cut grass, and applying it directly to the blisters. I will say that many hobos from all over the city come to have Tark treat them for their own shingles in this way. In addition, I have heard of a female hobo in Venice who was admitted to the Hospital to have an infected arm amputated. Whilst there, Tark went to her, took some blood from his arm, mixed it with unsalted butter and dressed her hand with it. The hand healed quickly. 

 

3) Dreaming of cats

 

Tark often said, if you dream of a tortoiseshell cat, you will be lucky in love. But if you dream of a ginger cat, then you should flee the city, flee the town and the village, quickly quickly, and find a high place clear on all sides, and make yourself busy with the gathering of stones, with the gathering of flints and sticks with which to arm yourself, and pray to the god you worship, pray with pure heart, for the days and nights ahead shall be full of peril, full of loss and physical torment, and the time of sunshine be concluded.

 

Anyhoo, hopefully some of that will help you out. If not, well, see you on the other side.