Creating Your Dream Ceremony by Finding the Best Celebrant
by Sean Patrick O’Reilly
It’s 10 am and I receive my first business call of the day: “Hello, are you an officiant?” “Yes,” I replied. “I am a celebrant.” With some hesitation, the voice on the other end says: “Well, now what are we supposed to ask you?”
You might think getting “hitched” by just the right person is easy. Photographers: Michael Rosenberg and Rebecca Douglas warn: “Be careful when searching for an officiant, since most just spout a bunch of traditional words without any regard to who the couple is.” With this in mind, I have put together 10 helpful tips for selecting an officiant.
First: Brainstorm
Most couples are not quite sure what they want, most especially for ritual and ceremony. While touring wedding publications and related websites introduces you to some officiants, it is a better idea to ask wedding vendors for referrals to the best officiants. After all, these are the folks who have first-hand knowledge of who’s at the end of the aisle.
Second: Meet & Greet
Go meet. Go greet. And take full advantage of professionally free consultations. I highly recommend on-site visiting with facility coordinators and wedding planners. These professionals are often likely to know an officiant who might fit your tastes and budget.
Third: On the Same Wavelength
“The key to making your wedding its very best is to hire vendors who are the right fit;” says Jan O’Hara, wedding co-coordinator of the Salish Lodge. “The Salish is more of an experience than a place. Those who marry here are often attracted by the majestic surroundings, but their most enthusiastic comments are about who makes their celebration warm or energetic.”
Fourth: Who Can Officiate?
Almost anyone can be an officiant in Washington State. The state recognizes officiants who are state officials, such as judges; all ordained ministers; and boat captains who can officiate at on-board ceremonies. Washington State does not regulate religious officiants; you are permitted to use an archbishop, a local pastor, or any internet-ordained friend. Such internet-ordained officiants must first be “ordained;” the Universalist Life Church does so for free. I have given “officiating lessons” to one-time officiants, friends or family members who have been chosen by couples to honor their love.
Fifth: Different Officiants for Different Folks.
The state divides officiants into two groups: civil and religious. “I give each couple a list of recommended officiants, and after getting a sense of the couple, I advise them whom I would recommend for them,” says O’Hara. Speaking on the differences between civil and religious officiants, O’Hara says: “Judges are short and sweet. Some ministers are very religious, and others are uniquely creative.”
I caution couples to make a list of “must haves” to share with their officiant during their initial consultation. Sometimes an officiant can help you maneuver around any religious roadblocks to your desired ceremony. For instance, flower girls are now banned in Roman Catholic weddings; many Episcopal ministers will not allow any photography during the ceremony; and Mormon Temple weddings are only open to a select few “approved” members. The general rule is: if you are going to the chapel, your choices may not make it that far!
Sixth: Interfaith Officiants
With the increase in interfaith and intercultural marriages, a ceremony may require a more creative and flexible officiant. Ministers from Independent, Interfaith, Reformed Judaism, UCC, Unitarian, and Unity churches are very often suitable for such ceremonies, and many are willing to travel some distance. Some officiants are creatively gifted, and can adapt ritual and custom to suit a couple’s needs.
Seventh: Family Traditions
Sometimes the opinions of a parent may clash with the preferences of a child. While many family traditions are beautiful, and parents generally mean well, their choices for the wedding ceremony need to reflect the tastes of the couple getting married. Opera singer, David Skover, who has performed at numerous weddings, says: “Sean has a way personalizing each ceremony so that both family and friends, no matter their age, are moved both to laughter and tears. He has this uncanny ability to tune your heart strings!”
Eighth: The Couple’s Words
Photographer Rebecca Douglas says, “If a couple wants a ceremony to be about them, then there is just one person who can express that: Sean Patrick O’Reilly! With his incredible instinct of knowing who you are and what you are looking for, he helps you create your own ceremony, one that is completely unique to you. Encouraging the use of your own words, he draws out the reasons why you are marrying and truly understands the love, passion and romance that you feel towards each other.”
Ninth: Have It Your Own Way!
Speaking for traditional church ceremonies, Monsignor James Maroney (liturgist for Catholic bishops) reports: "Catholic liturgy is communal, a celebration of the whole church, not of an individual.”1 In contrast, Theology Professor Thomas Long (Emory University) argues: “The ancient rituals are supposed to change and evolve to absorb new needs.”2 The “modern” attitude is reflected by wedding coordinators like Leslie Wheatley: “If the ceremony is not about the individuals getting married, then it will feel like someone else’s wedding. This is why many people don’t even attend weddings. The ol’ standard is a poor one!"
Wheatley advises her clients: “Make the ceremony yours by finding an officiant who will respect your choices, not the other way around. I have heard ‘downloaded online vows’ and ‘16th century church vows’ that leave the couple and their guests feeling disconnected.” She encourages her clients to consider Sean as their celebrant: “He is a word-smith who can craft emotion into words and honor the couple’s sentiments with his writings and spontaneity!” Wheatley concludes: “My family lives in the joy of our lives and experiences, so when we wanted our new son welcomed and baptized we commissioned Sean to write a ceremony for us. As an event planner, I want the guests to walk away saying, “That was the best ceremony they could ever imagine! This is all that I hear whenever I work with Sean!”
Now, after some 300 personalized ceremonies, I think of myself more as a celebrant than an officiant. My mission is to give back the ceremony to the couple getting married. I never knew that it was such a revolutionary idea to allow a couple to have their own ceremony! I am changing the way weddings are done. This is why I prefer the word celebrant instead of officiant. It is who and what I have become. I so respect and honor each couple’s words of love that I’ve written several books containing hundreds of customized wedding selections. These include poems, prayers, vows & ring exchanges used by everyone I marry.”
Tenth: The Best Advice
“I tell each couple not to use finances as the sole criterion for a ceremony,” says Jan O’Hara. “It’s a day to remember forever. So, invest in it wisely. The payoff will be the reward of your memories.”
1 Peter Kilborn, "Funerals With a Custom Fit Lighten Up a Solemn Rite" New York Times, Feb. 11, 2004.
2 opt. cit.
