Fast-Forward to today.  I went into a One Hour Martinizing location last Thursday to get some shirts done and thought that getting it back in an hour or so would be great as I was running errands in that area anyway.   When I got to the store I told the 20-something girl that I would be back in an hour to pick up the shirts and she gave me a blank stare.  “Sir, the soonest we can get this back to you is Friday at 5PM.”  So I stupidly asked, “What is One Hour Martinizing?”  She said it was the name of the store!

You see One Hour Martinizing no longer offer your dry cleaning ready in one hour.  For an extra fee they might be able to get it back to you by the end of the day if you bring it in early enough but as the girl put it, “it causes problems with the equipment because we have to ramp up.”  Whatever that means…  She explained that it cost them more to run the machines at a fast pace.

MY POINT…

Alternative radio is a lot like One Hour Martinizing.  At one time it was an alternative to the other rock/pop choices out there.  It delivered on that promise until it became the norm and much worst until the companies that owned these stations tried to standardize them to the rest of their radio offerings for business and management purposes.  Now Alternative is an empty maxim for a format that no longer delivers on that promise.

One Hour Martinizing can’t deliver your clothes back to you clean in one hour anymore and Alternative radio doesn’t seem to be able to deliver to you an experience that seems contrary to the rest of radio’s offerings.  Today’s Alternative is run more like an AC station.  It relies on oldies and recurrents and does the same types of promotions as all other format offerings.  It doesn’t have a flavor of its own.  Well, it doesn’t!

Hell, recently I was doing market monitor for a small radio group and excluding music selections and colloquialisms, the predominant Country station, CHR and Alternative sounded pretty much the same!   Maybe it was because the stations are all owned by the same company, or that they’re all produced by the same imaging/production person or maybe because many radio makers think radio sounds like what radio is supposed to sound like.  No matter, all three stations were produced and presented the same way… only the music was changed to protect ummmm whoever.

In spite of the challenges out there right now, here’s a challenge, … do something different.  Not just for the sake of change but to create a different experience for the listener, an experience that one might call an alternative from the norm.  The norm is boring and just because it’s your turn in the circle of life to execute the alternative format doesn’t mean that the same type sweeper or promotion that KROQ did in 1992 are any more exciting.  They’re not.  It’s more of the same… actually it’s less of the same.  Its One Hour Martinizing is one day and 8 hours… it doesn’t live up to its name and it’s disappointing.   - SD -

Alternative is now One Hour Martinizing

By SEAN DEMERY

Sean Demery has consulted AAA, Alt, Classic Rock, Classic Hits audio sources in traditional and new media.

Before that he programmed Live105 in San Francisco and helped launch the original 99X in Atlanta. Preceding those activities were 15 years working and programming CHR in six different markets including Atlanta and Los Angeles.

He currently publishes Hipster Doofus Magazine with fellow industry nut-job Max Tolkoff and promotes Alternative rock s to radio with XPD promo.

Hipster Doofus is an Alternative Music Radio e-mag that is seen by radio programers, radio execs and artist management in North America and Europe.

To get on the Hipster Doofus distribution list, kick it rather old school and send an e-quest to:

sean@seandmerey.com

Or call Sean and give him a piece of you mind.

415 205 6920

For back issues of

                                        CLICK HERE.

If you program or do an air shift you might think you’re in the music business and you’d be wrong.  Wrong, wrong, wrong.  Trent Reznor, Eddie Vedder and even Moby are in the music business but you are not. They make the stuff you/we play over and over again. Again, you just play it.

Here’s what I’m talking about…

Is T.G.I. Fridays in the music business?  Nope.  Like you they play music for an audience but they’re in the food services business.  It’s more important to them that you enjoy the Jalapeño Poppers and burger than the music that is their background din maker.

Is that dance club on the lower East Side in the music business?  Uh, uh. 

Oh yeah they play the stuff at loud levels that makes it hard to have a conversation but in fact they’re in the liquor business.  Their main goal is to get you thirsty so you’ll drink and drink and drink.  Who was the designated driver again?  No matter… party on!

Is the elevator that takes you to the 16th floor in the music business.  No, like you they play stuff to make the ride more enjoyable.  And, by the way a beautiful music version of Zeppelin’s Black Dog does leave something to be desired.

Ok you get the idea. Just because you use music as a mood maker and/ or attractor doesn’t mean you’re in the music business. 

Now you’re saying to me (hello again by the way) that as a programmer you are charged with picking the best music to attract the most listeners.  OK, on some level that is true but I’m afraid that no matter how many auditoriums you fill with 100 people listening to 12 second hooks you’ll never match my favorite quarter hour of music that I’ve got it on my iPod right now…  Kandi by One Eskimo, Percussion Gun by White Rabbits,  Rusted Wheel by Silversun Pickups,  Home by Great Northern, Heads Will Roll by  The Yeah Yeah Yeahs.  Sorry, no matter what you think of my little 20 minute music world everything you play in your heavily researched world pales in comparison to the playlist I can put together for myself. 

Am I in the music business?  Nope.  Assembling playlist of music I’ve downloaded from Limewire or skreemr just makes me another douche with a computer. 

No my friends (are we still friends?)

you arenot in the music business,

you are in the glue business. GLUE…

fucking glue.  You don’t make the

music, you can’t compete with my

personal playlist for me. 

You’ve got to offer something

that makes it worth my while to

listen to you.

For you… it’s GLUE!

Glue is everything else that isn’t music. Simple sets, banter, opinions, feelings, quips, observations, announcements, bits, humor, identifications, sweepers, promos, contests, promos, commercials and long over exaggerated cleansing breathes.  All that stuff.

Here’s the thing.  Even when you’re picking the best music possible for the masses, no matter how myopic you’re scope is, you’re still not hitting anyone even close with 100% of their likes or loves. So, THE SHIT YOU DO aka THE GLUE better be pretty damn good, pretty damn intriguing and better hold the whole thing together.  Your music jukebox isn’t as good as mine... for me. Give what you play and do meaning! It’s glue. Your GLUE is a major part of your overall BRAND.  Without GLUE you simply won’t do. (Went for the rhyme, sorry)

Your job in the glue factory is to tie everything together.  Make everything (everything) interesting.  Attract attention and mind share.  Cause engagement to you and the station.  Create a sense that the next thing will be great as well so leaving is not an option.  YOU ARE GLUE.  Without the GLUE it all falls apart.

This set --- “97.5 The End.  That’s new Death Cab, called Meet Me On The Equinox. I’m Elmo Rubkin.  Don’t forget tomorrow night is SPAM night at the Berkshire Bowl…”  That set is worthless. A DJ Exercise of no worth. 

You hear derivatives of that set all the time, everywhere.  The brand ID and those 168 words juxtaposed in different variations over and over again. WORTHLESS, UNINSPIRED, PASSIONLESS and as far as basic info goes it’s the same stuff that’s scrolling across the RDS readout on your relatively new car stereo.  Cheap glue is bad glue that doesn’t hold anything together and just takes up space.

If you were watching the Thursday night comedy lineup on NBC and every show had the same punch lines more or less as the show before it how long would it take you to became dissatisfied or disinterested?  Don’t bother answering... they just canceled a bunch of them.

My point in a nutshell –

Make everything you do GLUE.  Make everything no matter how small interesting.  Give an opinion.  Have an observation.  Give something from your point of view.  Tell me why this song, this segment, this moment is worth listening to.  Attract my attention.   Keep my attention.  Create interaction.   Damn it…. BE SOMEBODY. 

Working in the glue factory has a future.  Working in the music jukebox factory does not.

  -- Sean--

Simply doing DJ breaks without flaws and merf s doesn’t make you a personality.  Doing DJ breaks that sound normal makes you normal.  Hardly the stuff that attracts listeners to you rather than that other schlub down the dial or on other media that’s flawlessly delivering the normal.

A lot of beginners in the entertainment/ radio business thinks they’ve made it when they get to the point where they can say stuff without messing up. 

Unfortunately, that’s not what this is all about.  The gig is to attract and hold listeners.

I know plenty of successful radio professionals who don’t sound particularly polished and who mis speak all the time.

What these winners have is the ability to add something to the mix that makes them engaging and listenable again and again.

It’s not about being a professional radio person.  It’s about attracting people to you instead of somebody else no matter what that sounds like.

If you’re just starting out... don’t get discouraged... I’m guessing Eric Clapton wasn’t always an amazing guitarist.  I’m guessing there were many years in his early career where he wondered if he would ever have the chops to play as good as Muddy Waters.  Not that I particularly care about Clapton or Waters.  But you get the idea.

•••••••

Here’s a quick observation.  Facebook and Twitter are great if you constantly update with your thoughts and observations.  Yeah they’re great tools for adding a layer of engagement and adoption to you and ultimately your station.

BUT, if you’re as boring on the air as you are on these sites don’t even bother tweeting or adding content to FB.

Facebook and Twitter are for sharing not pushing more crap under the station umbrella.

•••••••

And now the latest Top 5 list of all the things radio is doing right.

1)

2)

3)

4) Management manages to keep the vending machine filled.

5)

•••••••

Radio automation is killing our medium but not for why you might think. 

Radio automation can make radio or any audio in general flawless, seamless and inevitably, totally unnoticeable!

This isn’t about saving human assit jobs, because frankly way too many humans in this business don’t add any real value to what is broadcast.

What is needed is a whole new wave of human assistants who will add the human element back into radio.

What is the human element?

•Odd moments,

•Unexpected items,

•Spontaneity

and basically everything that isn’t music, sweepers, promos and the same basic type content that was heard last hour... and the hour before... and the hour before that.

I get bored with what I hear on the radio and it makes me mad. 

Your listener isn’t mad like me... they’re indifferent!

THAT’S FREAKIN’ WORST!

•••••••

Giving out free T-shirts with the logo of the station being the main message is like giving away free T-shirts with a picture of a Sunbeam Toaster Oven on it.

Sure there are a few stations out there that a listener might want to wear as a badge... but not many.

Now, if the main message of the shirt is something else rather than pushing your radio brand... then that’s a shirt that someone might wear. 

Otherwise you’re simply giving away expensive prizes that’ll sit at the bottom of a drawer, end up as a rag to wash a car or worst yet end up in Good Will where the Homeless will proudly display your wears.

Ask yourself honestly, “If I were a listener, would I proudly display this station’s logo?”  If the answer is no then 1) use your logo as a secondary offering on the shirt and 2) make your station into an entity that someone might want to proudly advertise on clothing!

•••••••

I was visiting upstate New York recently and saw a radio station set up in front of a supermarket.  Nothing unusual here and nothing flattering either.

Seeing a station’s beat up old tent, card table, worn out van and overweight DJs is not a great way to build adoption.

It would be about the same as seeing Dolly Parton without her wig.  Not a pretty site. 

RADIO IS LIKE PHONE SEX... the girl you’re talking to on the phone ( so I hear )  you’d like to think she’s a super model... not an overweight sow in stretch pants noshing on a twinkie.

Better to keep the ugly off the streets and let the listeners imagine that the station is high tech and plugged in and you’re attractive instead of showing them that without a doubt you do have a face for radio.

•••••••

It’s time this medium stopped being run like a speculative commodity and more like a real business!

•••••••

QUICK LITTLE

Hey, I don’t write this stuff with the intent of telling what to do or what to believe.  The only intent here is to get you to QUESTION EVERYTHING.  Hey, that’s healthy brain activity!

Now consider this… PRIZES… what the fuck.

On some level we give away prizes only because as radio people we give away prizes.  I’ve been at this for years and when I got in and on the air the third thing I did in an air-shift was to give away a prize.  Albums, CDs, DVDs, concert tickets, trips, cash, cars, t-shirts, trinkets, stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff… ya know stuff.

This is what we do.  We’re in radio… right?  Well I’ve been involved all sorts of prizes.

I once gave away $113,000 dollars to a 13-year old girl who simply said shyly, “thank you.”  Also, we went from 1st persons 12+ to 8th in that book.  At the time we thought it might be because the promos and mentions were so numerous and obnoxious that we wouldn’t listen to the station either. Root.

I once gave a fleet of cars (6 Honda Accords) over the course of a month and watched us go from 2nd 18-34 to 9th and then back to 3rd the next book while we did absolutely nothing.  We did nothing mostly because we had blown our promo money on the cars and were so depressed over losing our shit for such expensive prizes.

Once, and mainly because we had no budget let alone enough money to keep the lights on we gave away flower seeds for a month while the competition gave way two Chevy Corvettes.  Unbelievably, we kicked the other station’s ass with $21 worth of Burpee seeds.  Hey, the promos were fun, ridiculous and entertaining.

Ok that’s the big stuff.  How about the daily little stuff. 

Explain to me again why we give away concert tickets?  Is it so we sound like we’re in league with the bands we embrace?  Is it so listeners are saying to themselves, “Wow, my Alt station has free tickets to a show that I could just as easily buy and not have to listen forever for?  Is it so the promoter of the show can get the mentions that he needs to sell ticket in lieu of actually making a buy on your station?  Or is it because you are in radio and radio stations give away tickets to shows?  Choose one or all of them… I’ll be right here waiting for an epiphany…  Still waiting… do do do do do do do do do… what song was I just humming?

Add another factor on top of the epiphany that I hope you just had… In many cases concert tickets don’t move the PPM.  It doesn’t matter that you may be in a non PPM market.  The recent old adage, “What’s good for PPM is good for the diary but what’s good for the dairy isn’t necessarily good for the PPM” applies here.

I’ve sat through several PPM presentations of different calibers and found three undeniable truths…

1) In most cases, prizes that listeners could easily purchase for themselves do nothing (nothing) to move the meter. 

2) Prizes that listeners can never buy for themselves and would normally never have access to get attention and move the freakin’ meter.

3) See and remember #1 and try to do number #2.

Examples include: 

Tickets to Coldplay don’t move the meter.

Front row tickets to Coldplay, maybe a little  better.

The chance to play Texas hold em with Chris from Coldplay… ding freakin’ ding!

Tickets to Kings of Leon doesn’t move any mountains.

Front row tickets and a copy of Guitar Hero isn’t a Mount St Helen either.

Backstage access and Bar-B-Que with the band is an eruption of PPM finger lickin’ good!

Now you’re saying I don’t believe you, I don’t get it, I’m afraid to be the PD who wouldn’t give away tickets because all my predecessors did and my GM may think I’m a slacker.  Well how about this…

If prizes really made that much difference in ratings currency then we’d all be freakin’ rich now wouldn’t we.

If prizes made such a big difference you’d have a clear indication in ratings.

OK, think of it this way.  TVs The Price Is Right didn’t have an amazing run all those years because they gave away Washers and Dryers, Dutch Boy Paint and a new car… they had a great run because they made the games fun and exciting.

So in the end if you’re going to continue to give away DVDs, concert tickets and an occasional big prize at least make it interesting or entertaining.  Because believe me, other than the 139 prize pigs who’s names constantly litter you winner logs, ring your phones and visit your lobby, nobody else really cares.  The whole process just takes up time & space where engaging content or music could be. 

--sean--

Prizes, really?  This is Your Strategy?

By Sean Demery