San Francisco: A blog in seven eight parts
 
Part 1: 3-1-1
 
I cannot honestly tell you what 3-1-1 stands for exactly. But it might be something like this. The next time you fly, you might want to check the TSA regulations 3 times before trying to go through airport security so that you can avoid 1 giant pain-in-the-ass you will feel due to the fact that you cannot fit your tiny toiletries (that you made a special trip to Target to buy specifically so you could make it through security with only a carryon bag because the last time you flew the mean TSA lady confiscated your Bumble & Bumble Hair Thickener because it was more than 3 counces) into a 1 quart ziplock baggie.
 
Part 2: Lost
 
I would highly recommend taking a portable GPS device with you if you plan to travel through San Francisco International Airport anytime soon. At least a GPS device might prove helpful when you find yourself totally and completely lost when trying to find baggage claim in said airport. At least the GPS voice is nice. At least it speaks English. At least you don’t have to take 6 escalator rides and 3 elevator rides and wait in long lines to get directions to baggage claim from the GPS device because the signs directing you to baggage claim in said airport tell LIES. At least the GPS won’t make fun of you when you cry. At least not to your face.
 
Part 3: W = Wonderful
 
If you happen to make it through the horrors of tsa security, find your bags, and manage to escape the airport with your life, I hightly recommend staying at the W Hotel. Namely because it is way cooler than you are. And it’s way prettier than you are. And the people that stay there have a lot more money than you do. And yet, somehow, magically, none of this matters. Because you are staying at the W. And it is good.
 
Part 4: Retail Therapy
 
If the strain of staying in a hotel that is more hip than you are is too much, proceed directly to one of the many fabulous shopping centers that SF has to offer. Then quickly buy things. Things that you may not really need, but that are cute and that make you look good, and feel good, and that your mom and your sister encourage you to buy. If two or more are gathered in said shopping area and come to agreement on essential elements such as “cuteness” or “how good you look in that color” or “how skinny that outfit makes you look”  or “how much you really NEED another pair of black pants” this automatically overrides any non-essentail elements that may arise such as “I shouldn’t” or “I can’t really afford that” or “I’ve already bought too much” or “I don’t think I can fit anymore in my suitcase.”
 
Part 5: Nourishment
 
It is important in all situations to keep yourself well-nourished. This may include dining at swank restaurants that serve such items as scallops with pumpkin risotto or goat cheese ravioli with saffron cream sauce. Or it may require a trip a SF landmark, like the Tadich Grill, where you can feast on a T-bone steak the size of your head or indulge in world-famous Cioppino. Snacks, such as strawberry cream puffs from the Patisserie are not to be missed. And don’t forget to drink. Coffee, Wine, or Bloody Marys will do as long as you stay hydrated.
 
Part 6: Culture
 
Do not neglect the abundant cultural offerings of a city like San Francisco. And even if you cannot get tickets to a good play since it’s sold out for months, you can always see three movies in three days. Or you could visit SFMOMA which is the coolest museum in the city. Of course, it’s right next door to the coolest hotel in SF, which needless to say, is still cooler than you, even after you peruse the Olafur Eliasson exhibit trying to act as if you totally understand the deeper artistic and cultural meaning of a frozen automobile.
 
Part 7: Company
 
When selecting travel companions for your trip it is important that they have certain qualities. Namely,  1) they will not make fun of you when you get lost in the airport 2) they are willing to log endless miles of walking to reach all the best shopping destinations 3) They answer “yes” to the appropriate questions (i.e. “Should I buy this?”, “Should we eat now?”, “Do you want to get drinks?”, “We have a couple free hours. Should we see another movie?” etc.) And “no” when necessary (i.e. “Is this hotel cooler than me?”).
 
Part 8: The End
 
This is the end of my post. And I fear I have said all there is to say. My brain is emptied of whatever bit of humor I may have squeezed out for the other seven parts. Additionally, Project Runway starts in 3 minutes so I must sign off or break a sacred Phillips-sister taboo--NEVER miss an episode of PR!! Besides, I was never very good at conclusions. Ask my high school English teacher.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
p.s. one of these days I will write a serious post about my trip to San Francisco with my mom and sister and even post pictures--photographic proof that we stayed at the W and that it really is cooler than me. We went there to celebrate Terri’s 60th birhday and had a BLAST! Well, except for getting lost in the airport...
Wednesday, December 19, 2007