For many people, various aesthetic activities can evoke particular, and at times, very serious, emotional reactions.  Some react to visual art, some to poetry, some to fictional literature, and some to sculptures.  The artistic medium that has had the most profound impact upon my life has been music.  When I say that music has influenced my life, this has nothing to do with playing any instrument, reading music, or participating in any sort of musical activity other than listening to various forms.  For someone that musicians and artists alike would say is detached from the musical world, how can I place such an emphasis on music in my life?

It has been well documented that aesthetic pleasures stimulate the autistic mind.  Many autistic people find great interest in various forms of artistic expression, and become intimately involved with these different forms.  It is often said the autistic person is unable to ‘feel’; this lack of empathetic connection to others leads to a detachment from the world around them, and social encounters typically produce anxiety and nervousness, as opposed to joy or comfort. 

It is difficult to describe how I, as someone labeled as being autistic, feel at any given time.  This mainly arises out of the fact that I do not generally feel anything at all, at least not something that evokes the responses that I see in those around me.  Situations that others describe as emotional in nature normally leave me confused; rather than focusing on why, I am usually studying people’s responses and trying to figure out what it is they are feeling, why they are feeling it, and how it is they are compelled to react as they do.  It is unusual for others at a funeral to see someone staring at the people around them, or at times, asking why they are so upset.  As a result, I try to avoid going as much as possible, because I only add to the grief of those in mourning.  The same is true of weddings, anniversaries, and most any other event that is of a sentimental or emotional nature.

As I have discussed with a great number of people, because I do not feel as others seem to, does not mean I do not feel at all.  I, as is the case with many other autistic people, do it in my own way.  Aesthetic elements in the world are essential for me to have any reaction whatsoever to an event or a person.  This mainly arises due to my hypersensitive sensory perceptions, which are common traits in the autistic world.  When I recollect a situation, I do not simply remember what happened or how I felt, for these things tend not to mean very much to me.  My memories are based entirely on the atmosphere and aesthetic elements which surrounded me at a given time; the lighting of the room, the weather, the colour of the room, sounds in the background, smells in the air, etc.

The greatest piece of aesthetic pleasure that I get, and which allows me to feel, is music.  I have always been very fond of listening to music in all of its forms.  From the time I was a child, I can remember needing music to fall asleep, to calm down after getting upset, or to come to terms with particular happenings in the world.  Not much has changed to this day.  Music remains an essential component of my daily existence.  Due to the fact that going out into the world is a very difficult thing, and breaking out of the ‘autistic mind’ is no small feat, I make a point of being able to hear music at least once a day for a short period of time, as it will aid in bringing things into perspective.  I am certain this all sounds a bit abstract, so I will use a specific example to help illustrate what I mean.

In the case of my work, I get asked time and time again why I do what I do, and how it is I came to have such a joy for the study of international relations.  At the doctoral and professional level of academia, if you do not love what you do, then you likely would die of boredom or stress.  For me, the study of international politics is grounded in a desire to explain and understand the world around me, due to the fact that so many serious issues exist on our planet at any given time.  This logical deduction, however, does not create any passion for my work in itself.  Every time I am writing or speaking at an event, there is a tune playing in the back of my head.  The tune is accompanied by the following words:

This is the world we live in
And these are the hands we're given
Use them and let's start trying
To make it a place worth living in.

This chorus, from the Genesis song, “Land of Confusion,” entered my life when I was still in high school, but I never realized the impact it had on me until more recently.  Being exposed to second-to-second media compels us to take notice of the world around us.  While many people tend to ignore the bigger picture, I was once watching the news and a story came on which appalled me; the appalling factor was not the event alone, but it was the combination of the news story and the Genesis song playing in the background that gave that moment meaning.  I decided then and there to dedicate my life to understanding and explaining the world around me, and to help those that need it in some fashion. 

Music also determines my memories or thoughts of a person.  Every friend, family member, or colleague has some sort of music applied to them in my mind.  When they enter a room, or are sitting right in front of me, I can easily associate their personality with a song that has at some point reminded me of them.  It is much like watching a movie in some way, as music begins to play in my mind when I see these people, and I am always trying to find appropriate musical themes for each person I encounter.

Of course, one of the more common examples that everyone thinks of when it comes to musical application to life is romantic relationships.  Each couple seems to have their song, and if they end up getting married, this is the song that gets played during the couple’s first dance as husband and wife.  In the romantic relationships I have been a part of, every situation has music applied to it.  These songs, when I hear them to this day, spark my memory and I am suddenly transported back to the time and place, surrounded by the exact sensory perceptions that appeared around me at that time. 

In essence, what music does is provide me with a context to remember.  I do not, however, simply remember; in most cases, I re-live the situation, whether good or bad, over and over in my mind until I can eventually get the music to leave my mind.  It has been known on occasion to last for days on end, as a tune or lyrics will repeat many times, and I have trouble thinking about anything but the event, person, or time that song represents to me.  According to psychological studies, this sort of experience is closely related to someone experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder, where the psychological defenses of the mind are incapable of coping or dissecting stressors arising from a traumatic event.  In the sense I am describing musical effects on my memory, trauma is not necessarily the cause, but instead, it is the effect of constant re-living and experiencing events that creates a similarity.

Each day we all hear some kind of music, whether we turn on the radio, enter a mall or elevator, or simply hear the music coming from the earphones of a person beside us.  Everyone has their own musical preferences, and listen to it at their leisure.  For me, music provides a context for my life.  I often refer to it as the soundtrack of my life, as if to compare my daily existence to an ongoing movie.  If we were to watch a film without music playing in the background, would we experience the scenes or characters as we would with musical accompaniment?  Likely not.  For me to feel in some way, I need to have contextual connection to a memory, situation, or person, and thus I apply music to virtually every part of my life to help me do that.  By doing so, I am able to understand a bit better when and how I ‘feel’.