In a life so full of uncertainty, it is sometimes comforting to find answers to the fundamental questions of life.  For centuries, great minds have sought to universalize the purpose or the conduct of our existence, with limited success.  On occasion, however, answers to these sorts of inquiries present themselves, and life is suddenly given new meaning.

I, like many others, have spent my life asking questions; questions that never seemed to make sense to those around me, and that rarely made sense even to myself.  I could not understand why I never fit in with any particular social group, why I was completely unable to form close relationships with family or friends, or why I would seek solitude at every turn.  The world around me was not comfortable at all, and I felt foreign in the vast majority of the situations life threw at me.  Many colleagues, friends and family members described me as cold, arrogant, blunt, and without compassion; others used more polite terms, like eccentric, intellectual, quirky or unique.  No matter what the word used, all of these things describe someone who is fundamentally disconnected from the world around them, and physically incapable of solving these issues.

I tried everything to remedy the personality traits I saw as being ‘wrong’ or ‘negative’ or ‘weird’ – whether it was laughing at things I never found funny, spending time with people I had little respect for, taking part in activities that had no appeal to me, initiating physical contact, though it creates more anxiety than it does pleasure, or even committing myself to a life where I rarely expressed my true nature, particularly in the academic forum.  I learned to pay very close attention to other people, studying their behaviour because I could not understand their reactions to situations they would describe as emotional or stressful. 

One-on-one contact was extremely difficult, and I was forced to create various coping mechanisms so those I interacted with, ranging from close family to students, would not be aware of my discomfort and anxiety.  For instance, people’s faces confuse me, so I found it distracting to look directly at someone’s face, especially into their eyes, or I would tend to focus entirely on the movement of their mouth.  In response, I trained myself to stare at the bridge of their nose rather than look into their eyes.  Physical contact is almost impossible for a number of reasons.  I have hyper-sensitive sensory perceptions, so every sound, smell, taste, sight and touch affects me in very serious ways.  An extraordinary level of trust and respect must exist for me to allow any physical contact at all, particularly to the face.  I do not feel emotions the way others do – I feel no grief over death, no joy over success, and no pain over loss in the way that people describe those emotions.

The rare attributes and tendencies I experienced culminated in what was considered to be a set of rare medical occurrences.  I was tested for various afflictions and diseases because I would experience bouts of numbness, uncontrollable tingling and spontaneous pain in various parts of my body.  Conditions like MS, stroke, tumor and epilepsy were considered as possibilities in explaining these circumstances.  I went through a number of medical tests and experiments which came to no solid conclusion as to why these things were happening to my body.  Some thought it was a matter of time until a clear diagnosis could be found; others accused me of faking or lying; I was left with nothing but questions and nowhere to express my confusion.  It was not until I experienced the most unusual set of medical circumstances that some answers began to arise.  At age of 22, I was treated for severe anorexia nervosa.  Though I was able to avoid being admitted to an in-patient program, which was desired by many, I was able to successfully complete an out-patient program and complete my Master’s degree simultaneously.  I, along with those around me, was baffled by my struggle with such a serious disease, as it appeared I had everything someone could ask for in life, while I felt nothing but a loss of control and detachment from the ‘real’ world.  It was during this treatment that preliminary answers to my issues about not only my health, but the unusual conduct of my life, began to come in to focus.

Starting with medical experts at the eating disorder clinic, and then with subsequent consultation with other experts two years down the road, I was officially diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome (AS)– a form of high-functioning autism at the age of 24.  This affliction is diagnosed through a number of interviews, personality traits, and tests.  The typical descriptions of people with AS involve things like, a fundamental misunderstanding of others’ emotions, instructions, or actions; a vulnerability to depression; a lack of empathy, remorse, or emotional understanding; a resistance to change and obsessive compulsive behaviour; and a display for substantial gifts or talents in one, or a few, particular areas. 

This diagnosis has been invaluable in many ways.  While the research and understanding of Asperger’s is still fairly limited, the identification of my having the affliction has led to an astonishing journey of self-exploration and understanding.  No longer was it a negative thing for me to have the eccentricities which plagued me for so long; it became clear that my brain is wired differently.  I have learned that, though I do not share the empathetic skills of others, I do ‘feel’ in my own way, usually through a combination of intellectual and aesthetic activities.  The easiest way for me to ‘feel’ is through music; the lyrics and musical arrangements of a song evoke various responses within my brain and can create reactions to previous events or people in my life.  It has become far clearer why people’s faces posed such a problem for me in the past and now I am able to explain to others why I sometimes need to look away when trying to listen to what they are saying.  A life so entirely misunderstood has suddenly been brought into the light.

Such a revelation has brought two things with it – the profound sense of self understanding or awareness, but also, a social stigma which deeply alters people’s perceptions.  No longer am I intellectual, eccentric, or different; I am simply autistic. 

In my life, I have been heavily involved in my community, whether through political representation, teaching, coaching, or academia.  I am in the process of pursuing my PhD in the field of International Relations, and I have presented theories at a variety of venues, including the UN headquarters in both New York and Geneva.  On one day, I was a successful, but quirky man; the next, all of the above became secondary to being a person with Asperger’s Syndrome. 

While I may understand myself better, those around me appear to comprehend me even less.  Reactions to my having AS vary, from those that do not believe the diagnosis because they claim to know me so well, or those that dwell on it to the point where I am autistic first and a human being second.  Relationships are made far more complex, as a woman would not simply be dating a quirky guy, but instead, someone with autism.  The comprehension of the self has been coupled with a greater distancing between me and the world.  The culmination of that distance exists in the ongoing debate about people with AS, and the question as to whether they are ‘disabled’ or simply ‘different’.

Those questions of life we all seek answers to were given new meaning and insight by my diagnosis, but with it a new set of questions arise.  The inquiry that seems to weigh on my mind now is, when will the world be able to see beyond labels and look at a person for their gifts and accomplishments as opposed to the labels we so quickly cling to?