This issue is dedicated to my adorable cousin **SARAH GRACE HOLMES** who is graduating from Los Gatos High School on June 14th.  As her proud parents push her gently out of the nest and her tiny independent wings frantically flap in a desperate attempt to stay in the air without plunging to the ground in a financial splat, what words of wisdom can someone of my intellect and experience offer?  Well Sarah, the last thing I'd ever want to do is tell you how to live your life.

HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE

First of all, the name of the game is CREDIT.  Get it in any form (Note: LIE on the application--they don't check), and don't abuse it until you can do some serious damage.  Just pay those bills on time for a few months and it will start RAINING credit cards.  It's like winning the lottery.

Secondly, don't be remotely concerned with finding a career.  My mother is the only person I've ever met with a career.  No other adult I know actually knows what they want to be when they grow up.  That's why adults are always asking kids what THEY want to be when they grow up--we're still looking for ideas.  Careers were for the 80s.   If anyone asks, just say you're a CAFE-GAL.  Most people will be confused enough to stop the questioning there.

Next, find a brand new look--a look that says "I don't live at home" or if you DO live at home, one that says "I choose to live at home."  Not one of those artsy "I got dressed in the dark" looks, but a look that says "look at me, ask me out, I just got a VISA."  Buy some kinky undergarments to wear under your new look.  Pasties are coming back in a big way, and a G-string always works well for me.  Even though you can't see it, it's part of the look and it will show on your face.  Piercing is on the way out, but it's a lukewarm trend.  I'd say go for it if you've got the abs, and you can take it out when piercing is officially passe in November.  Obviously graduates smell differently, so get a new cologne, but NOTHING by Calvin Klein.

WE MUST BOYCOTT CALVIN KLEIN UNTIL HE PUTS ATTRACTIVE MODELS BACK IN HIS ADS.  IF WE WANTED TO SEE VACUOUS UGLY PEOPLE WE WOULD GO TO THE MALL.

Extremely important over the next 20 years is to continue to nurture your relationship with your parents, as they will be financially supporting you, even when it seems like they're not.  Never eat at home of course, but allow them to take you out to dinner.  Reporting every little accomplishment like "I opened a bank account" or "I joined Price/Costco" will make their little hearts beat faster and they will want to shower you with cash.  Appreciate this now, because boyfriends do not do this. Boyfriends carefully extract the worst of your parents, add their own fresh hell, subtract the money, and call it a relationship.  I'll save the relationship seminar for a future edition.

Let's see...  of course always wear old, horrible clothes when you're out with either parent.  This encourages them to buy you new ones without your having to ask, which is--now that you're a graduate--beneath  you.

CAFE-GAL 101

The most important thing in your life right now should be a) your selection of a coffeehouse (never a chain, no matching tables, no smooth surfaces), and b) your selection of reading materials.  Looking unpretentiously intellectual will always land you a date, but more importantly, other people will wish they were you.  Memorize a few Goethe or Reilke quotes and drop them during a discussion of THE CABLE GUY.  No one will know what you're talking about, but I guarantee you'll be invited to the next party. Obscure literary journals look good on the outside of your Spy or Sassy magazine, and Das Kapital in the original German is a great accessory to have hanging out of your purse.  NO BACKPACK!  If I NEVER see another backpack...  Even purses are overkill.  All cafe-gals ever need is a stick of lipstick, a little... feminine product thing... and a wad of bills.  Put those in your pockets, carry your reading material, and you're a lean, mean, cafe-gal machine.

Never, never, never order anything that ends in -atte or -ino.  Specialty coffees are the Elephant Bells of the 90s, and they are SO 3 years ago.  No foam, no whipped cream, no non-fat.  Nothing blended, dry, flat, dark, wet, vanilla, half- or de- anything... Frappuccinos, Chillinis, iced blendeds, Frappucerinos, Chillipinos, Mochaslurparinis are for wimps--let them fall back into the early 90s where they belong.  You know you're off the track if a) you have to take a breath in the middle of your order, b) there have been 3 employees "working" on your coffee, c) your order needs to be called out and repeated down an assembly line of workers, or d) you can't hear Yma Sumac over the din of your order.  Regular coffee is thankfully back.  It has more caffeine than espresso anyway, and that's what we're here for. Coffee beans should be roasted--not burnt--so Starbucks is of course, out. Iced coffee is still OK for a cafe-gal of the 90s but only if it's raining, and as long as you don't drink it with a straw.  In fact, your days of drinking ANY beverage with a straw are thankfully over.  Also, you'll be lactose-intolerant in 10 years so start moving onto rice and soy milk asap.

For food, obviously you'd never order biscotti or any kind of muffin or pastry, but that goes without saying.  A bagel is the only respectable coffeehouse food to order, but only if you're really starving, and make sure you never finish it.

OUTSIDE THE COFFEEHOUSE

If you do venture outside the coffeehouse, note the following: Religion is out, non-partisan voting is in... Lesbians were big last year, but they've lost some steam.  If you're going to be a lesbian I'd wait until Winter--I think lesbians will be back in full force then.  It's far too hot to be a lesbian during the summer.  Exercise is out, but unfortunately thin is still in, so don't eat anything before 3pm or after 6pm.  Lisa Villareal--a famous Santa Cruz cafe-gal who has been thriving off nothing but Doritos and Diet Coke for 16 years--never eats before 3 or after 6, and she's got the hardbody of death.

If you're considering a post-graduate cafe-gal trip abroad: Spain and France are out, Britain was always out, Southern Italy is OK, Prague and Australia are in.  Believe it or not, Canada is in.  If you must take classes at a community college, take only Italian, volleyball, and Feminist Literature (Pass/No Pass).  If you continue, take Italian II, volleyball II, and repeat Feminist Literature but for a grade this time.

SEX

From the day Eve first started dating within her species right up through 1981, sex was really great.  After that it went plummeting downhill and in 1996 it's just plain boring.  We cafe-gals are far too busy drinking coffee to have sex.  If anyone wants to have sex with you, suggest instead that they read aloud to you from Sassy.  This usually works.  If not you may have to give them some food.  Sugar and salt are excellent sex-replacements for the average man, and I recommend Bugles, Pop-Tarts and the remote control.  If they persist, keep a slutty friend around and leave the room for 5 minutes.  These things work themselves out.  Meanwhile your pristine cafe-gal image has remained intact and you don't have to shower or call him.  If for some reason you find yourself naked and incredibly bored you're probably having sex, and just know that reading a magazine during sex is perfectly acceptable in the 90s.  Martha Stewart herself told me that at a recent party.

MISC.

Smoking is obviously out, but the white trash around you will insist it's coming back.  Stay away from those people!  They are wanna-bes and will suck the emotional life out of a cafe-gal like a vacuum.  Tobacco and cloves are decidedly out, but marijuana has a timeless elegance that's always in.  In moderation of course--not enough to make a Metallica shirt look attractive.  You're not old enough to drink yet, but if you are ever around alcohol or a family function, vodka and tequila are out, gin and whiskey are in, shots of anything are definitely out.  Leave the wine to the old folks unless you're on a date.  Vegetarian club-owner brothers who drink are obviously coming back.

I think that covers it... credit-good, coffee-regular, smoking-tacky, lesbians-out of season...  Oh--videotaping is out.  Don't videotape anything and watch it later.  You have the time now, just watch the show. Besides commercials are better than TV anyway.  And make sure you spell movie theater with an 'er' and live theatre with an 're'.

You're now well on your way to becoming a respectable careerless cafe-gal. And even though you'll be living in the Santa Cruz area don't be afraid to shave your arms and wear a bra.  You've got to remain urbanized so you can safely migrate to LA, New York, or Paris when the time comes.

If you ever have an emergency cafe-gal question call me or your cousin Laura immediately.  We are highly-trained professionals with years of experience.

Congratulations and welcome to the Real World Sarah--with lots of love from your cafe-guy cousin Paul.

THE MTV MOVIE AWARDS WRAP-UP

Last night was big fun at the MTV Awards show with a crowded, glamorous party afterward.  I had the fabulous job of celebrity escort, so I basically dragged around KEVIN SPACEY all night (who won Best Villain!). Derek dragged around FAYE DUNAWAY, who slipped and fell so many times it was like she was taking her first steps.  We were so proud.  Faye and Kevin showed up together, so it was really just a big double-date for Derek and I.  Faye also brought her kids, who turned out to be the funnest thing at the post-party.  Thankfully we had fabulous stars to whisk out of the show and into the party right away, because as soon as we were in we flung our headsets into the punchbowl, ripped off our horrible turquoise crew shirts, and blended in like the Osmonds at a 2 Live Crew concert.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS was so absolutely smashing I was gasping for breath.  She stepped out of the limo and walked to the Press like Naomi on the catwalk, in a stunning tight sequin dress, and tits that should be locked up in a safe.  I'm still reeling.

BEN STILLER has GOT to get his ears docked unless he's planning to do the live action remake of Dumbo.  He's talented, cute and charming, but those ears!  Oy!

JANEANE GAROFALO is also great on stage, a natural comic with great timing. She was a little ragged at rehearsal and not too happy with the staging, but seemed to bounce back for the taping, and I still predict she'll be big big big.

The high point for me was watching WHITNEY HOUSTON rehearse before the show.  To see her come out with no make-up and just belt out these incredible notes...  She never messes up and sounds like she's doing a recording every time--it was just amazing.  Also very sweet and genuine, definitely a diva with an entourage but I noticed she connected with people and said please and thank you so she completely won my heart.  And what a voice.

LEO DICAPRIO looked adorable but acted a bit skittish at the party. Since EVERYONE wants to sleep with him, men and women, young and old--he looked a bit like a kitten when you turn on the vacuum. [*BEGIN FANTASY SEQUENCE* So I walked up to him, and without saying a word took his drink away, took him by the hand--because I understood his pain--and walked him to a private greenroom.  He melted like butter in my arms, and we spent the night together.  When I woke this morning he had cleaned my house, made coffee, and was looking through the Blueprint catalog for furniture we could buy together, but that he would pay for.]

ADAM SANDLER's popularity continues to confound me, but he was there, being the obnoxious Jersey boy he is at every turn.  He is just talent-free.  I don't get it.  ALICIA SILVERSTONE is still a child, but beautiful and genuine, and definitely knows how to work the press.  CHRIS FARLEY and DAVID SPADE stayed together most of the evening with dates in tow.  DAVID DUCHOVNY was dreamy as always, and ELLEN DEGENERES and WHOOPI GOLDBERG were also sweet, normal, and friendly backstage.

A nice surprise was the FUGEES singing their hit remake of Killing Me Softly, and joined for the second half of the song by the fabulous ROBERTA FLACK. GARBAGE also performed their hit "I'm Only Happy When It Rains", and they are a pretty killer band.

The BARBRA STREISAND Award goes to VANESSA WILLIAMS, who didn't like her first Press entrance so she went in, fixed her hair, got back in her limo, drove around the block, and came in again for a more glamorous arrival. Now THAT is a star.

And in the scandal department I'll just say this.  MEL GIBSON was the Best Actor winner on my run-through up until just before he was to go on.  Then for some reason he had a tantrum and stormed out, and all of a sudden, JIM CAREY won instead for Best Actor.  So that's all I'm saying...  You do the math.

All in all a great time--run very smoothly by their staff of pros.  The show is so well produced, with some very funny take-off clips from movies and the best Award Show opening I've ever seen.  An exhausting night and my back is killing me, but any job where Faye Dunaway says "Paul could you somehow find me some lipstick that matches me?  Sort of brownish?" can't be too bad.  Special thanks to BRIAN O'CONNOR for inviting me--I can't wait for the next one.  And to that dreamy scoop of ice cream called Francois... (heavy sigh)  The show airs Thursday at 9pm, and the MTV site (http://www.mtv.com) has downloadable movie clips if you want to check it out.