Here we go again...  Print this off and go to the bathroom.

Saturday morning I feared the worst when I woke up feeling like I had slept in a clothes dryer on Fluff n' Fold only to find a tattoo of a witch's coven on the back of my hand.  Then I remembered I was at the premiere of THE CRAFT the night before, and the tattoo was just a sign that I was old enough to drink--a benefit of which I clearly took advantage.  THE CRAFT, aka THE LOST CLUELESS BITCHES OF EASTWICK was utterly predictable and absolutely entertaining.  You know I live to pan films, but I just had too much fun with these four High School girls playing around with the powers of the universe.  It's the kind of film where you know this girl has incredible superpowers, and all of a sudden someone says "oh yeah?  Well you're a big fat stupid bitch!" to her and the audience whispers a collective "oooh... you REALLY shouldn't have said that..."

And witchiness ensues.  What more could you ask for from a film?  I mean, ever since FIRESTARTER I don't think I would EVER be able to insult Drew Barrymore to her face...

The leads were OK, but the breakaway star is the new babe du jour SKEET ULRICH, who also played SHARON STONE's brother in last week's DONNA SUMMER flick.  Big big star. And ALICIA SILVERSTONE was also fabulous in the movie, even though she wasn't in the movie.  This movie just reminded me of how fabulous she was.

The post-party at the Palace was OK, packed with people and loud music, although I was exhausted by the time I got there because my date insisted we park six blocks away to save money on parking. Keep in mind the Palace is at HOLLYWOOD AND VINE. So unfortunately we ended up spending twice as much for the cab to get there and were then mugged on the way back, only to find that my car had been stolen anyway.  This is why I don't clip coupons people!  It only leads to bedlam!  The highlight of the party for me (after the open bar) was not DEAN CAIN (although as lights go--he's pretty high), but CHRISTINE TAYLOR (Marsha in THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE) who was also in the film and looked too beautiful for words in person.

Sunday night was another night of glamorous fun at the VH-1 HONORS benefit, where I was a celebrity wrangler.  (Now I know what my cousin MEARA had to go through with the horses--but this cleanup was messier...)  Actually it was a fun and fabulous job where I got to escort celebrities from their cars into the show and to the party afterwards and I just could not have asked for a more... oh wait a minute--that's right, Derek forgot to invite me to that.  What was I thinking?  Well, wouldn't that have been fun?  I guess you can't have everything though, can you Derek?  Can you Derek? Derek?  Can you?  No.  Remember THAT when you want a job on my show. (Let's see...  "THROW this man off the lot!  Throw this man OFF the lot! Throw this man off the LOT!" I'll work on it...)

The new job has definitely started.  There's just no denying that.  There it is, all around me, every day.  I'm still not sure what I do, but my boss phrED (ok he spells it Fred but I think phrED is more glamorous) thinks I'm an Internet wiz, so I think the job is somehow technology-related.  And yet... it's marketing.  I'm sort of a Technomarkologist.  Today I insisted I could find some info phrED had requested on TV programming in Philadelphia SO QUICKLY on the Internet, and after 45 MINUTES of fruitless surfing I just called the Concierge at the Ritz-Carlton in Philly and asked her to look up today's TV listings in the newspaper.  It took 1 minute. But of course I told phrED I found the info on the Net, so he just thinks I'm Sandra Bullock.  Is it just me or does is take twice as long to do anything using any sort of time-saving technology?  Did anyone try doing their taxes on a computer this year?  What normally takes me 10 minutes and a 1040EZ took me 6 hours!

Wednesday was a screening for MOTHER--the new Albert Brooks film (Fall release?) starring Brooks as a 40-year-old man who decides to move back in with his 22-year-old mother, played by Debbie Reynolds.  Actually it was just Debbie's voice, and either Claymation or some sort of animatronic dummy from the ill-fated "Singin' In The Rain" ride at Disneyland. It was a great premise with some very funny dialogue, and with some re-editing it will be a better film.  At least better than most of what's out there.  I'm sure Derek will go on and on about how great it was in his newsletter.  But if you really want to see everything this movie aspired to be, rent DEFENDING YOUR LIFE and POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE.  Now THERE is comedy writing.

DIGITAL SCALE HINT OF THE WEEK

If you squint you can make a 7 look like a 1.

(The following JACK HANDEY selections were sent to me by my lovely cousin LAURA.  Hi Laura!  Hey Laura!  LAURA!  WAVE!  LAURA MANCUSO!  Ok she can't hear me.  She's really... Do you know how much she's had to drink?  No, I just... I think she's drinking a lot.  That bottle was full when I--LAURA! HI!  Ok she sees me.  It's OK...  On with the show...)

A FEW "DEEP THOUGHTS" BY JACK HANDEY

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because  I was thinking about doing that anyway.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset?  And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

OK my little rays of sunshine, I love you like the big bunch of random friends and family that happen to have email addresses that you are.

Hasta la semaine prochaine!