Welcome to the Troisieme issue.  In this issue we're growing and expanding, breaking down barriers, getting to know each other... (OK getting to know me, but does anyone else really matter?  Almost never...).  It's the feel-good newsletter of the summer. I wanted to do something really special and different for all of you this week, because I just love you so much, so I typed this entire issue with my nose.  I hope you can appreciate that as you read.

BROKEN ARROW

469,000 helicopters were killed in the making of this film. Starring:

CHRISTIAN SLATER as Tom Cruise doing Jack Nicholson.        

SAMANTHA MATHIS as Tori Spelling doing Juliette Lewis.

JOHN TRAVOLTA as a double-wide trailer doing Vinnie Barbarino.

I don't have anything good to say about this horrible film.  There were so many random explosions it was like watching the Broken Arrow Live Action Show at Universal Studios.  I kept expecting the Miami Vice speedboat to burst in from Screen Left.  And just two plausibility questions for the writers, if there were any:  Why is there a digital timer on a nuclear bomb? So the Russians can intercept it and see how much time they have left? And why does Christian Slater's cell phone work at the bottom of a copper mine in the middle of Utah when my breaks up if I walk under a tree? Even at the $2 theater I felt cheated.  Do not rent this.

FLIRTING WITH DISASTER

This movie missed the mark for me, and I think it was about 50% as good as it could have been, given the cast.  It had some very funny lines, but the pacing of a fading wall of paint.  MARY TYLER MOORE was great but underused with only 5-6 scenes in the film.  Her first scene was the breast scene which has been shown on every promo, so if you've seen that you've seen her schtick. LILY TOMLIN's scenes were few but so dead-on that I'd almost recommend it for her alone.  PATRICIA ARQUETTE was a nice surprise, and my future ex-husband BEN STILLER is charming as always, but didn't seem as self-assured on the big screen as he is on TV.  He seemed like he was playing dress-up in his parent's closet (and he's spent enough time in THERE, hasn't he?).  The film was also homophobic while pretending not to be.  The gay couple in this film were just a "wacky" element that added to the "outrageousness" of Ben's situation.  I mean, when Ben realized that the man holding his baby was married to another MAN he immediately demanded to hold the baby, to a big laugh.  I don't know--10 years ago, maybe, but in 1996?

TWISTER

Ooooh...  windy.  If you can't see it now on a big screen with a big audience and surround sound, then wait for the ride at Universal.

THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS AND DOGS

Big winner!  Hooray for JANEANE GAROFALO!  She's on her way!  This is a swooningly romantic date film with some of the funniest lines I've heard in a LONG time.  BEN antoniobanderas CHAPLIN is an up and coming babester, and UMA THURMAN definitely said all of her lines, all by herself.  I wanted to sleep with everyone in this film, and there is a scene with a dog on a bridge that I'm still laughing about a week later.  Just drop whatever you're doing and see this right now.  Hey--I liked a movie!  And you thought it couldn't happen.

HELPFUL HINT

ER is just the greatest show on television, unless you're eating pizza.

HOW TO LOSE 10 YEARS FROM YOUR FACE IN ONE SECOND

Am I the only one who didn't know about this?  I looked at myself in the mirror on the ceiling of my elevator and finally found the man of my dreams!  Wow.  Now I see why people put mirrors on the ceiling in the bedroom.  Forget the sex--it just melts away the extra pounds and years of stress.  From now on I'm only letting people take pictures of me if they're swinging from a chandelier.

TIGER BEAT

Wednesday was the day I began my nervous breakdown.  I'm not sure what started it, but it surfaced while reading a story about a young girl who was mauled by a tiger. It seems that the child was not only mauled by a tiger in her friend's backyard, but on the way to the hospital her mother actually crashed their car, causing even more injury to this poor girl. Even though she was in critical condition I just could not stop laughing. With tears in my eyes I brought the story into my boss, and if you look up "wince" in the dictionary there will be a picture of his face.  "But don't you think that's funny?  She was MAULED, and then her mother CRASHED THEIR CAR!  En route to the HOSPITAL!"  He just didn't get it. And to my concerned aunts, I'm not saying that mine was a normal response--I do admit I'm sick and going crazy.   But don't worry, the girl's no longer in critical condition.  She died.  Hah!  Just kidding. Whew--that would have really deflated the joke.  No, she's fine, recovering nicely but refuses to feed her cat or let her mother drive.

Anyway, when I finally stopped laughing I went to lunch and was stuck in traffic staring at a new billboard outside my office that said

HEY PAUL--YOUR LIFE ISN'T WORKING!

WHY DON'T YOU FIND A TALL BUILDING AND

A RIFLE AND SORT THINGS OUT?

(it was probably a Calvin Klein ad) and it occurred to me that maybe I need a vacation.  Maybe I need to leave LA, move to a little farm where I can make jam and raise parakeets with my brother.  How much does that pay? And definitely no more cars, because you people just do NOT know how to drive. I'm just going to ride my horse around my property, eating jam and keeping watch for stray parakeets trying to get away.  And then it's SHOOT TO KILL!

Oy--there's that violent streak again.  It's all this NEWS I'm reading!

YOU CAN'T THROW IT AWAY--IT'S A COOKIE!

I think I'm going to develop this into a dissertation on Cookie Discard Resistance.  Yesterday I purchased what were clearly the 2 worst-tasting cookies on the planet.  Why "Lemon Crinkle" sounded so great coming from the nose-ringed Gen-X-er behind the counter is beyond me.  She makes $4.25 an hour and hosts Top-Ramen dinner parties in her dorm, and I'm asking her to suggest a gourmet cookie?  But I think just standing next to a big bag of coffeebeans gave her some kind of hypnotic power over me, so I caved. Plus I was in my 3PM--MUST SNACK mode so if someone gave me a shard of glass and some salsa I'd eat it.  Anyway, I'm chewing on the Crinkle and the other one--I think it was an oatmeal-raisin-tuna crisp and I'm clearly going to be sick, but I just keep forcing it into my mouth. You CAN'T throw it away--it's a cookie!

What is that?  Is it the cute name?  Do we have some kind of mind-numbing it-must-be-good Pavlovian response to even the worst cookie?  And of course they're both huge, like 2 big Frisbees--in fact that's exactly what they tasted like--2 big lemon-raisin-tuna plastic Frisbees.  And the quality of a cookie is ALWAYS inversely proportional to its size.  [Not unlike a man. But I digress.] So I'm chewing it, I'm hating it, I'm washing it down with Diet Coke, I'm taking another bite, I'm resenting it, I'm washing it down, and I finally, when there's maybe one bite left of each cookie, I fling them both into the trash in disgust.  What was I doing? These horrible cookies are ruining my day!  I don't HAVE to eat them!  Like a great weight had been lifted I forget about the cookies and plunge into my Inbox.

It is literally less than 2 minutes before I'm rifling through the trash like a heroin addict.  Now I know what alcoholics must go through when I'm forced to drink vanilla for the alcohol.   I mean, when THEY'RE forced--what did I say?  Did I say me--I?  I meant they.

But it's a cookie!  You can't just throw it away!

JOKES

The other day someone asked me to tell them a joke, and I could absolutely do nothing but pull out my paystub.  I'm just not a real "joke" teller, like my father was. But in case someone asks YOU, here's one I heard.  OK:

Two cows are standing in a field.

Oh god I just can't do this... It's just not in my training.  (DEEP BREATH, SHAKE IT OFF) OK, here goes.

Two cows are standing in a field.  The first asks   "Aren't you afraid of getting Mad Cow disease?"   The second replies "Why should I be?  I'm a squirrel."

[hold for laugh]  Wow.  I can actually hear the crickets via email.  (tap tap) Is this on?  Is this on?

OK it's funnier if the cow was getting mauled by a tiger and then its car crashed.

I'd better end on that up-note.  Besides, my nose is killing me. 

Hasta la semaine prochaine!

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my mommy Daphne!

And HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all! (From someone who's more dependent on his mother now than during that whole gestation thing...)