I find this new trend of personal weekly email newsletters completely tacky and egomaniacal, reserved for people who are in love with the sound of their own voice and desperate for attention.

I can't believe it's taken me this long to start one.

But since I've hermetically sealed my front door, this letter is my only contact with the outside world.  I've been reticent about starting one for fear that my cross-section of friends and family are of wildly divergent mindsets, but despite the occasional blow-job joke (sorry mom), this should be a PG-13 endeavor, to print out and read at your leisure.  If you already receive too much email and would like to be removed from this list, I understand--please drop me a note.  Or just reach into my chest with your bare hands, rip out my heart, throw it on the ground and stomp it to a bloody pulp--I won't take it personally.

ME! ME! ME!

For those of you who are out of the loop, I have been writing/developing 2 sitcoms while working as a temp at Northrop Grumman since January, and am considering accepting a permanent marketing position at BulletPoll--a firm that does computerized telephone polling for TV news stations..  And if you know me, you know a job to me is permanent like a sand castle is permanent... The new job is in Century City, about 10 minutes from my house. My only regret is that I'll actually have to WORK, as opposed to staying at Northrop where I get paid to... well, I'm still not sure what I do there. I spend 40% of my day trying to get the soda machine to accept my dollar bills... I think I mostly just get paid to sit around and eat donuts. Maybe I should have been a cop.  Or Elizabeth Taylor...

And let me just state publicly that this weekend I am spending 48 hours cleaning my house, NO MATTER WHAT, unless it's really sunny.  Or some new restaurant opens up near me.  Or anyone calls me and asks me to do anything. Yesterday I was in my kitchen and something actually started barking at me from my sink.  I just backed away slowly until it stopped. Whatever it is, it doesn't like when I turn on the water or the light, so I've mostly been eating out this week.  And speaking of cleaning (and now it sounds like I'm doing a "bit" but this really happened) on the way to work this morning I drove by a business called "Blind Cleaning Express." Now, I'm totally for hiring the handicapped, but is this a marketable concept?

STRAIGHT TO VIDEO

Last night my friend slash writing partner Derek and I went to the premiere of LAST DANCE, starring Rob Morrow's Hair, Randy Quaid, Rob Morrow, and in a minor role, Sharon Stone.   In a nutshell:  Sharon Stone/Death Row/Made-for-TV Movie. I could barely hear the film over Derek's snoring, but from the wisp of a plot I could find, you could cut the tension with a gossamer thread. I did think the anguish of the death penalty debate was effectively "fleshed out" when a prime witness--who happened to be a stripper--could only answer questions while gyrating in pasties over Rob Morrow.  It did make me contemplate the value of human life, although perhaps unintentionally...  Also awkward was the fact that the only people in the theatre were me, Derek, Sharon Stone, Sharon's publicist, and Phyllis Diller. (you think I'm joking...) At one point Derek was actually curled up under Phyllis Diller sucking his thumb and making little gurgling noises... (But he's such an angel when he's sleeping...)  Sharon literally tried to trip me when we bolted for the door during the end credits, and you've just got to respect that. I did see Done Fade-Away, err, Faye Dunaway in the lobby afterwards, looking radiant.  In the category of Anything-But-Sit-Through-This-Film, Faye offered to help make popcorn at the concession stand during the movie, and after yelling "I can't go back in there!" ended up shampooing the lobby carpet and alphabetizing the candy until the credits started to roll.

LINE OF THE WEEK

MATT LEBLANC (Joey on Friends) in US Magazine, responding to an interview question about what's going to happen next season on Friends: 

"I'm going to f*** Chandler in the ass". 

Wow.  What an ending.