l YEAH RIGHT WHATEVER

l ANGELA KNOWLES – A NEW LIFE

l DERMOTT COLLINS - A DRINKING DAY IN THE LIFE

l THE CHRISTMAS GET TOGETHER THAT NEVER WAS

l DUNCAN DISORDERLY

l CANCEL THE WEDDING

l FAMOUS FOR WHAT?

l DERMOTT AT GOD SQUAD TOWERS

l THE CHRISTMAS GET-TOGETHER THAT NEVER WAS – NUMBER 2

l SAINT PETER

l IT’S MONKEY TIME REVISITED

YEAH RIGHT WHATEVER

PETER WYATT

As everybody knows when you’re a fireman you have to stay fit. You can’t be turning up to a fire panting and straining as you climb up the ladder. I used to do me regular exercises at home, but got sick of the girls taking the piss and making snidey comments. So I started going to a gym.

CALVIN BETTERIDGE

I told Peter I had a tip on the 3.15 at Chepstow. His eyes go all glassy and he gives this look of terror like I was offering him crack. I thought any minute he was going to howl NNNNNNNNN000000000. I said to him –

“Take it easy will yer - it’s a harmless flutter - take it or leave it, get a grip.”

He told me his Dad fucked his family’s life through his gambling. I thought fair enough - I won’t offer you any more racing tips.

PETER WYATT

I was paranoid that I'd end up like my Dad. But right before my eyes it was all happening. The distance between me and my wife and my own kid turning against me.

I got used to seeing Michelle all sour-faced scowling at me, but seeing the exact same expression on Abby my daughter was a real shock to the system. Had Michelle poisoned my daughter against me? I wanted to be the best parent in the world. Where did I go wrong?

MICHELLE WYATT

I don't blame Peter for this, but he related far more to Carl than he ever did with Abby. He took time to talk to him - explain things to him. Take him to places. It's only natural I guess that as a father you feel closer to your son than your daughter.

PETER WYATT

I showed Abby the cover of the Abbey Road album and told her we'd named her after it. I thought she'd be interested, maybe listen to the album - instead she just goes - “Yeah right whatever.”

Every time I asked Abby to do something and even tried to make conversation with her, Abby would pull a face or make a loud tut. It broke my heart.

CALVIN BETTERIDGE

Again Peter was blaming himself for something every family man goes through. Every man has trouble with their teenage daughter, that’s just how it is. In fact you’d be weird if you didn’t.

JERRY ZMUDA

I'd visit Peter at home once in a while and Abby had shot up real quick. I'm not really comfortable around kids, but I'm even worse around teenagers. I found it alarming that Abby knew nothing about the sort of music we liked, and wasn't even remotely interested. Carl was sweet kid though.

PETER WYATT

The biggest blow came with Abby’s birthday party. I helped with all the preparations, hiring the hall, the entertainment, sending out the invites, and then Michelle dropped the bombshell.

MICHELLE WYATT

Abby asked if Peter didn’t come along. It wasn’t anything personal, it was just a girlies party, and she didn’t want him “showing her up.”

PETER WYATT

Why didn't she want her own father at her birthday party? She wouldn't even explain it to me, and neither would Michelle. It's was just “like - you know that's how it is.” Learn to fucking speak will yer?

ANGELA KNOWLES – A NEW LIFE

DERMOTT COLLINS

So Peter had Michelle, Jerry was getting hitched to the horse, and poor old Titus was left on his jack. Things were looking bleak for yours truly. Jack Daniels and Jim Bean had become my closest friends. All my brothers had moved out, so I lived with just me and Dad. I passed my week-ends watching the football in pubs and having the odd flutter. I'd knock back a couple of headfuls of JD and starting thinking about my Angela.

JORDI KNOWLES

Dermott hadn’t phoned asking about Angela in well over a decade. But when he called I recognized his voice straight away. “What’s Angela up to?” The guy’s is persistent I give him that.

There had been some quite amazing developments in the world of Angela.

JERRY ZMUDA

What a story this is!

So Angela had dropped her punk look and become a high class prostitute, making money by the sackful. She deliberately got herself pregnant from one of her customers, apparently a Spanish aristocrat, who had no idea he had an illegitimate son.

JORDI KNOWLES

Angela called her son Salvador, and he really was her salvation. Life seemed great for Angela, once you got over the moral stumbling block of what she did for a living, which as her younger brother I could never do. But she had a nice flat in Kensington - had just two or three clients a week, and could afford a nanny to look after young Salvador while she was working. Despite my misgivings, I had to acknowledge that Angela was the happiest I’ve ever known her. Salvador had made all the difference, the brooding anger had gone - and replaced by doting attention and love for her son.

But this wasn’t to last. Somebody reported her to the Vice Squad. They investigated the claim that Angela was raising a child on immoral earnings. They raided her house and Angela was charged and sent to prison for three years. Thankfully Isabella, my mother, stepped in and agreed to give custody to Salvador, who was only two. But Angela’s world was in ruins.

JERRY ZMUDA

Work had sent me to some dreary conference up in Harrogate - boring, boring, and still more boring. You could spend literally years in this line of work before you meet anyone remotely interesting. I was facing a parade of dull people, and in amongst them all I see a familiar face. It's very familiar. It's Angela Knowles from Feltham School - WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

JORDI KNOWLES

When Angela got out of prison, she had just one thing on her mind - to win back the custody of Salvador. Mother refused, Salvador was now five, and was settled living with her, and calling her Mummy. Isabella wanted to protect him from any psychologically damaging traumas.

Angela might be allowed to introduce herself to Salvador as her mother, but only when he’s old enough to handle this sort of emotional bombshell. What age would that be? 12, 15, 21 never? This decision was painful for Angela but she understood, and this is why she went straight. Once she was out of prison she gave up prostitution and got herself a job in media sales, using her negotiation and man manipulation skills she’s homed to perfection in her previous “career.”

She wanted me to give her a fraudulent reference to set her on her way, which I agreed to without a moment’s hesitation. It worked, and in a short time she had talked herself into a job as a manageress of a publishing telesales team. So Angela transformed herself into a target-smashing high-powered sales manager.

JERRY ZMUDA

Angela hated the conference even more than I did, saying to me –

“I feel more of a whore now, than I ever did as a call girl. At least I got paid properly, and treated with respect. This is Hell!”

“It's not that bad,” I joked “Hell's not this bad.”

She told me that not a day at the office goes by without her going to the toilet cubicle and having a cry. Hey! Me too! I shared her pain, I too was losing my soul to dreary corporate culture.

She told me that the most worrying thing for her was spending her whole day immersed and becoming tainted by it. Before long you’ll become part of it - start thinking like that, behaving like that. Your spark of life and humanity is snuffed out. Death by corporate culture.

We escaped our work colleagues and we went for a drink. For all her pain and regular crying sessions she looked as stunning as ever.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Quaking in me boots I was, but I chomped the bullet and made the call. Whatever Angie was doing now, I weren't going to judge her. Just wanted to be a friend, and talk about the good times in that old house. So Jordi tells me she's out nick - with a new identity. He'll have to check with her to see if she's be willing to talk to me. So I wait.

JORDI KNOWLES

Angela was doing well at her new job, she got promoted quickly.  But she told me she was regularly getting these boredom blackouts in meetings, and she was building up a strong dislike to the men she reported to. She couldn’t help but grimace when they spoke, and found it difficult to look them in the eye. This posed something of a problem. I kept on saying to Angela - “Just deal with it, don’t mess this up – everybody’s job is boring, and remember why you are doing this.”

With Angela’s new veneer of respectability, Isabella allowed Angela to visit Salvador on a weekly basis, but Salvador was told that Angela was her aunt.

DERMOTT COLLINS

So Angela agreed to see me. I went to see her in her place of work in Farringdon. Weird - she had her own office and was opening the door to shout at her boys to get them on the phone. She was like a dominatrix and they were loving it. Then she turns round to me and says - “Fuck me this is boring. I've got to get out of this.”

I says pathetically – “I'll help you escape.” Not having a clue how. I'd work something out. I was so happy that we were friends again. Now I had a chance with her. I had plans to pour my heart out to her, but I had to choose the right time. Maybe get her drunk first.

JORDI KNOWLES

Angela had her work appraisal where she was told she had to keep her tattoos covered at all times. Angela just snapped. After re-building her life and gaining some respectability, she smashes it all to smithereens.

She storms out of work and snatches Salvador from school. My mother calls the police. On the run Angela drives Salvador over on the San Sebastián ferry to take him to Spain, to meet his father. This man who had not seen or spoken to Angela since he was her client. She was planning on just showing up at his castle and say  “Ola! Here’s your lovely child you had no idea you had.” Which was going to be something of a nasty surprise to a man who is already “happily” married with legitimate children.

DERMOTT COLLINS

The next time I go and see Angela, she's gone, run away. The boys who work there are running around like headless chickens. She'd escaped me again. I thought - fuck this,  there's only so much a man can take. Turned out she'd run off to Spaghetti land to find Salvador's father.  I hope he hires the Mafia to do it a hit on her. OK - not really - but I was real upset for a bit.

I preferred her when she was a punk anyway.

DERMOTT COLLINS - A DRINKING DAY IN THE LIFE

JERRY ZMUDA

I heard that Dermott was now drinking heavily. Turning into a suburban Jeffrey Bernard, only without the wheelchair, without the column in the Spectator and without any of the wit.

DERMOTT COLLINS

So Ladies & Gents let me take you through a day in the life of Dermott Collins around this time. It's a warm sunny day in May and I wake up fully clothed. To kick off the day, I knock back some Curvy-Sir hidden under the bed, nicked from me old man's drinking cabinet.

I look round the room and something's different. There's a dirty great big Casio keyboard in the middle of the room. RESULT! It must be worth a few bob. I investigate my loot - and then I feel a pang in my heart. At first I think it's the old heartburn, but it's guilt, and it's telling me DO THE RIGHT THING HERE DERMOTT.

So I lug the keyboard back to the Star and say to the landlord - “Sorry, I must have nicked this last night - just drinking high spirits.” The landlord looks at me all suspicious then laughs. Then I start hanging around, the landlord eyeballs me –

“Yes and?”

“Don't I get a drink as a reward?”

The landlord explodes - “You must be joking!”

Fair enough - but you've got to ask.

The next thing, I get down the Watermans to hook up with my drinking buddy Hoaley Goley. We get slung out after ten minutes after we get seen swigging from the bottle of Curvy I smuggled in.

So it's down the Mow next. Of course my drinking buddy Holey-Goaley weren't his real name, and I never call him this to his face. But this was his nick-name I give him on account that he isn't too fussy about the birds he had a charver with - as in any hole's a goal.

Some of them were so dog-rough, he may as well do it with a geezer, cos there was nothing feminine about them. Holey's real name was - Fuck! Can't remember - it was Oi! You're round. No it was Jamie. He was a sex addict first - and the drinking just came along so that the sex was easier to get - and he'd get less fussy. That was my take on it, but granted I ain't no shrink.

Anyway as drinking buddies goes Holey Goaley's a bit shit - because every time I'm trying to tell some funny joke, he keeps on interrupting. Now this is something Zmuda would never do. And HG keeps interrupting with stuff like “she's well up for it that one” and “I bet she takes it up the arse.” Now today's the day I lose my rag with him, - “Yes we get it - you ain't a poof - you love shagging birds. Why do you have to keep going on about it?” We have a massive barney - and I storm off.

Walking the streets of Hersham I find myself in yet another boozer this time it's the Old House At Home. There's excitement in the air and a big Screen in the corner, the FA Cup Final is due to be played. Lot's of excited lads in Chelsea tops about to watch them take on the Villa.

I sit down to watch the build-up and Paul Merson who now plays for Villa is saying he is going to stay sober for the final, because he was so drunk when he won the FA cup with Arsenal he couldn't remember nothing - and this time he wants to remember it. A few hours later he lost the final - so I shout real loud – “HE SHOULD HAVE GOT PISSED - HE'S GOT A BETTER SUCCESS RATE!” The place roars with laughter, which send me onto cloud nine. I love it when they laugh. All the Blue boys are buying me drinks - slapping me on the back. A couple of hours later I keel over and fall akip under the table.

I get woken up at round nine by none other than Holey Goaley - and he's rather pissed off. He's found out that it were me that gave him the nickname. He'd actually discovered this a few months previous, but he were so bladdered he clean forgot all about it.

He's fuming - “Who are you to judge me?”

I said – “I ain't judging you, I just think some of the girls you do it with are a bit ropey.”

Then he goes - “Do you know what they call you? Grassy-Ass. Because you're a grass.”

If he were trying to make feel bad, then he's pissing down the wrong alley. I had no regrets about that Lord William dead - and Cobra in nick scene. “I'd rather be Grassy-Ass than Pumped-in-the-Ass.” I said.

Then in a moment of self-realisation HG starts balling his eyes out. A cry of regret. “Oh my God - I'm a slag.”

Aw! For fuck's sake! I think, I bought him another Nessy and sneak off home.

On the way home, I found myself compelled to visit the Legion. Down the Legion I tell a few geezers my Paul Merson wisecrack. But I'm so gone I mess it up, and it don't make no sense. No-one laughs. Time to go home. With legs like lead I walk along the street. I collapse by a bus shelter and wake up a few hours later.

Finally get home at 2 am, a few hours kip, and then to do it all again on Sunday.

PETER WYATT

Jerry would often phone me up for a chat saying stuff like that - “What's all the fuss about Oasis? We sounded like that ten years ago.” Dermott also would often phone up, but I'd noticed that lately he was never sober. I was worried. So I said to him - come to the house - let's have a proper chat.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Peter invites us round one Sunday afternoon. Michelle and Abby had gone out, and there was Carl there - we were playing Planet of the Apes. Having lots of fun, then Peter says to me - “Don't take this the wrong way Dermott, but your breath stinks of alcohol. I don't want you breathing it all over my son.”

I'd just had one Sunday afternoon sherbert. Then Peter said - “Every time you phone you're drunk.”

I said - “That's just my way. I sound drunk on the phone.”

PETER WYATT

He was a sad sight to see, bloated, pale skin. He used to be sharp, fast-talking, bright. Now he talked slowly, his senses were dulled. It was painful hearing him speak waiting for him to say something funny, which nowadays hardly ever happened. It usually be something tired like – “isn’t that the bloke who stole your box of Toblerone?”

I said – “The first important step in dealing with your problem is admitting you've got a problem.”

DERMOTT COLLINS

I fucking blew a stack. I didn't swear mind. Not in front of young Carl. I told him I didn't realize when you invited me over it was going to be an AA meeting.

PETER WYATT

Then he slumped down on the couch and started sobbing. He wanted a drink. I said No - talk to me. He blurted out about how life was getting him down - there was no parties to go to, just old men in pubs to chat to. Angela had run off, and he was devastated by Jerry not wanting anything to do with him. I said to him – “I can't do nothing about Angela, but Jerry - let me have a word with him.”

THE CHRISTMAS GET TOGETHER THAT NEVER WAS

DERMOTT COLLINS

I don’t know what it is about Peter, he’s always into having re-unions. The man’s obsessed.

PETER WYATT

I said it's time we re-united the unholy trinity. Christmas was coming up and it’s been ten and a half years since our landmark get-together at the Astoria.

JERRY ZMUDA

He wanted the three of us to get together, reluctantly I said yes.  I had no desire to meet up with Mr. Drinkie again, but Peter railroaded me into it with his over-powering bonhomie. “Dermott's really looking forward to seeing you.” “He's really changed - he's hardly drinking these days.” “We'll have lots of fun.”

DERMOTT COLLINS

Peter suggests a big get together at the same London pub we all met up in ’88 before the Astoria – the setting for our emotional re-union on E. As it turned out this time there was no E, no emotional re-union and no Jerry.

PETER WYATT

I couldn't believe it. The cunt didn't show. He just didn't turn up. We were sat in the pub, round after round, Dermott was pretending he wasn't bothered - but each round showed a little bit more that he was getting really cut up by it. I kept wanting to tell Dermott to slow down on the old drinking, but instead I kept praying that Jerry would show up any second.

JERRY ZMUDA

As I was double-locking the front door I looked down at my jacket. It was a present from Lydia and the designer had been rather generous on the cloth around the collar. I had a flash-forward prediction of Dermott saying something like “when's take-off?” And not letting it go for the rest of the night.

Then I thought about all the other stuff – Don’t be a Lionel, Man About the House, St. Petersburg.

I couldn't face it.

So I switched off my mobile and sat at home instead. The landline kept ringing and I never picked up. Eventually at ten past eleven Peter left a message saying he was very disappointed I didn't show up, and then Dermott shouting in the background - “Good Riddance!”

PETER WYATT

I wish I'd never fucking bothered with that Christmas re-union. This really hurt Dermott, and his drinking got worse. He was reaching the stage where he couldn't just cut down, he was going to have it give it up for good. Go cold turkey.

DUNCAN DISORDERLY

DERMOTT COLLINS

It all kicked off over Pudsey Bear. The local was doing a collection for Children In Need. They had this large stuffed yellow Pudsey sat at the bar, holding a collection box. He's got one bandage over his eye, and he's looking at me - pleading with his good eye. It was doing my head in. Got myself into a debate with the barman about cartoon characters. I was saying something like Pudsey Bear was a rubbish cartoon character compared to Daffy Duck. He was saying that Pudsey weren't no cartoon character, he's the Children In Need symbol. I wasn't having any of it. 

FRANK COLLINS

Chinese whispers. It’s crazy how the truth gets distorted and rumours get out of hand. I heard a story that my Dermott ripped the head off Pudsey bear. My Dermott is not capable of such monstrosities.

DERMOTT COLLINS

I was pretty lagged, but I do remember grabbing hold of the bear and ripping his head off. There was loud a gasp from everyone in the pub, I was even shocked myself when I looked down to see what I'd done. Then in a split second the red-faced landlord and three other geezers get a hold of me and sling me out into the street.

JERRY ZMUDA

Pathetic! Absolutely pathetic behavior for a grown man. I hear about this and then Peter wonders why I want nothing to do with him.

PETER WYATT

When Dermott sobered up, as a peace offering he went back to the pub with a brand new Pudsey Bear he’d bought off Children In Need, a large box of chocolates, and a hundred nicker to put in the fund, which he’d borrowed off his old man.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Walk back into the pub, everyone staring daggers like I'm the Antichrist. The Pudsey Bear I'd ripped the head off back in his place, his head sown back on. I put on a smile for the guvnor and hand over my peace offering. Get slung out on my arse - again.

PETER WYATT

With Dermott now banned from his local pub, he decides to get revenge by breaking in and stealing all their drink.

DERMOTT COLLINS

I was all ready to apologize and they boot me out. Fuck them! Now I'm hell bent on vengeance. Necked a few beers from the offie and at gone midnight climb over their garden wall and smash a glass into their storeroom. The next thing I know I'm in the bar and pouring myself an extra large Curvy. The alarm is screaming blue murder and I think to myself - just a couple of minutes to grab myself a beer barrel and roll it back home. Then the Old Bill show up - give them a big smile.

PETER WYATT

They threw Dermott in the cell with another pisshead, which was probably a good thing. It made him take a good hard look at himself. This other geezer was known as Duncan Disorderly - some out of control type who was banned from every pub in the area, always getting done by the law for petty thefts, abh, the whole pisshead scene. He was a few years older, and Dermott was basically seeing his future if he didn't change his ways. 

FRANK COLLINS

Dermott had to go to court, and was sentenced to another suspended sentence and six months community service. The whole thing just highlighted what we all knew about Dermott - his drinking had got out of hand. But it took something like this to ram it home to Dermott, and make him admit it to himself. Something had to be done, or I was going to lose my youngest son to the demon drink.

A friend had been through a rehab programme in this mansion house in the countryside - it straightened him out and kept him sober. It was a Christian programme but it worked, so I was going to put my hands in my pocket and send him there. But I got a big shock when I found out the costs. I was going to have to get out a crippling loan, when Saint Peter stepped in.

PETER WYATT

I found out that Frank was struggling to raise the cash, and he only had half the money. I said – “don't worry about it. I'll put in the other half.” It came well recommended, the thing is though - it was a Christian programme.

DERMOTT COLLINS

God Squad? Rather spend the rest of my life a smelly drunk than join that lot.

CANCEL THE WEDDING

JERRY ZMUDA

After a year of living together, we were now getting on each other's nerves.

LYDIA DANCEY

I would sit on the couch watching television with him, and Jerry would start pulling strange faces, making sudden weird noises for no apparent reason. Was he losing his mind?

JERRY ZMUDA

I was getting E Cringe Flashbacks. Snapshots of silly, stupid and embarrassing things I'd said or done on ecstasy appearing involuntarily on my mental landscape, and so I'd pull a cringing face or make a whoop of dread. And Believe me there was a huge archive of incidents to play back.

Lydia had only taken E twice, so she could not relate to this at all. But she had been doing something herself that was twisting my melons - talking in this affected Audrey Hepburn/Holly GoLightly voice. Trying to sound dreamy and soothing, but instead it just came across as patronizing and fake. This was especially pronounced when she spoke to new people. This I found incredibly irritating.

LYDIA DANCEY

I was not putting on a fake voice when I spoke to new people. Jerry was just imagining it. How can you trust the word of a man whose mind is so shot away on drugs, that he can't sit through Eastenders without squealing like a pig or pulling a face like he's swallowed a wasp?

JERRY ZMUDA

“Follow your dream” - was her advice to me. So this is what I was trying to do. I asked to borrow her Media Studies degree diploma for a couple of days.

LYDIA DANCEY

My diploma? What the hell for? Apparently this guy at his publishers who worked the scanner told him how easy it was to forge a diploma in Photoshop. Just get an original, scan it, and then rub out the original name and superimpose another one. This was deceitful, criminal, I wasn't going to do it, but he just went on and on, and in the end I just caved.

JERRY ZMUDA

I was sick of doing sales. All that smarminess and weaziling. I envied the guys across the floor who were journalists. I'd like to have a career like that, just spending all day writing drivel. I figured a forged diploma would allow me to quit this crummy snivelling sales job and find a new one as a journalist.

LYDIA DANCEY

But what about references? What about writing samples? He told me glibly that all those kind of things were easy to fake. It was the diploma that was tricky. This wasn't the innocent Jerry I'd met when I was giving him English lessons. He'd become a rogue - been hanging out with the likes of Dermott for too long.

JERRY ZMUDA

I explained how I'd cut Dermott out of my life for good. In fact that was one of the main reasons for us getting together - to keep him away. I shouldn't have told her that, she didn't like it.

LYDIA DANCEY

Then he started trying to pitch me ideas for TV shows, in the hope I would pitch then to my colleagues. All of his ideas were silly - every single one. But the silliest of them all, was the one he was most insistent on.

JERRY ZMUDA

It was the Spot the Looney Sketch. A hybrid of a game show and a comedy sketch show. This is the pitch - a team of contestants watch a batch of three sketches, two are written by normal script-writers and one is written by someone sectioned under the Mental Health. The contestant has to guess which sketch was written by the loony. It's genius. Lydia predictably didn't like the idea because it exploited the mentally ill, but it is exactly this that makes the idea so good.

LYDIA DANCEY

Our relationship wasn’t working. We’d had got engaged but he didn’t seem to have any real plans or direction about him. We weren’t gelling as a couple. We weren’t having fun. We weren’t connecting.

JERRY ZMUDA

So I fraudulently carved my way into a job as a journalist. It gave me a real sense of achievement.

It was a weight off my mind to turn up to work without some crappy sales target to hit each day, no call rates to make. Of course the world of Health & Safety journalism is not a racey one of adventure - within a week I was bored sick. But hey! This was a stepping stone. To what? I wasn't quite sure yet.

LYDIA DANCEY

I decided to finish it. The idea was to shake him out of his complacency.

JERRY ZMUDA

So I come in from work one evening and she dumps me. She tells me I'm rubbish, which I knew already, and I'm a deadbeat - which of course goes without saying. To stick up for myself I explained that I had conned myself into a job as a journalist for a trade journal - so I had effectively gained promotion from Deadbeat Division 4 to Deadbeat Division 3.

LYDIA DANCEY

I needed him to come back with something re-assuring. What do you like about me? Why do you want to be with me? I wanted him to make a strong statement - not the usual Jerry drivel. If he did, I would stay with him, and if he didn't - I would let him go.

JERRY ZMUDA

I called up Peter to tell him Sorry! The wedding's off. No stag night. No best man. I was ultra sad and deflated. I was alone again - and being alone meant I was a sitting duck for Dermott.

FAMOUS FOR WHAT?

MICHELLE WYATT

I used to look at Abbie's glamour magazines and think to myself - with a bit of a make over I could look just as good as them. I was over 30, but still beautiful, and in the back of my mind I couldn't help feeling I could have done better than just being the wife of a fire-fighter. I could see myself in a big house with servants - and a press officer. I started day-dreaming.

PETER WYATT

Years ago at Botley's funeral my words had been “We will never forget you,” and now I'd gone months without thinking about him once. I felt bad, and missed those days. So I dug out the old Grundy tapes - hadn't listened to them for years.

JERRY ZMUDA

The songs we wrote together are always in my head somewhere. A snatched riff or refrain occasionally plays back in my head. But I never, but never listened to those tapes - never.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Never kept no Grundy tapes, wouldn’t mind listening to them - just to hear how shit we really were.

PETER WYATT

When I played London After Midnight - that bit at the end, I could see Botley bounding on stage and bashing that tambourine I'd left out for him on the drum riser. Good Times!

MICHELLE WYATT

The big row started over dinner, when I asked Abby what she wanted to be when she left school. And quick as a flash Abby said she wanted to be famous, just like any teenager would.

PETER WYATT

Famous for what though? She goes “just famous” - she couldn’t tell us.

MICHELLE WYATT

This really wound Peter up.

PETER WYATT

It reminded me of me Dad. Normal people and normal life wasn't good enough for him, he wanted to gamble his way into the jet-set. 

MICHELLE WYATT

“Leave her alone,” I said, but Peter was like a dog with a bone - growling and spouting nonsense.

PETER WYATT

With Michelle and Abby, everything revolved around famous people, listening to them on talk shows dribbling on about nothing. Ignoring their own father and husband. Why are you listening to this shit?  I am just as capable of dribbling on about bollocks as that useless lot.

MICHELLE WYATT

It was around this time that Abby was playing that record by Robbie Williams Angels - over and over again. Now that really wound Peter up. Then one Saturday evening Peter came back after taking Carl to see West Ham. They must have lost because he was in a stinking mood.

PETER WYATT

My daughter comes in with her friends, barely gives me a look and shuts herself in the bedroom. Then out the open window comes Robbie Williams warbling away on her CD. I wanted to kill someone.

MICHELLE WYATT

She comes down for dinner, her friends thankfully go home, and that's when Peter gets it out.

PETER WYATT

I say to her – “Do you want to hear some real music?” I get out our Septimus Grundy demo tape - the good one - where we sounded like Who and the Ruts. And I played it to her. Big fucking mistake. What the hell was I thinking?

MICHELLE WYATT

What an invitation to take the piss. Peter was telling her - “We got played on John Peel.” Abby just laughed. I mean obviously she’s going to laugh.

PETER WYATT

The point I was trying to make was that fame is not the be all and end all of life. People who sing, write songs, play music, act, perform, people with talent, they are everywhere - just normal people. Famous people are just normal people with more attention around them. You shouldn't look down on people just because they're normal. Abby had that mask of disrespect that she always wears whenever I speak to her.

MICHELLE WYATT

Abby just walked off, smirking. Went up to her room and slammed the door. Then she started playing Angels at very high volume. That was it. He cracked.

PETER WYATT

Who's the better person? Me. Who puts out fires and saves lives, or Robbie Williams who sings like Elton John, and prances around like a dick? It's me isn't it? What kind of a sick world do we live in - where people like Robbie Williams are treated like gods and people like me are treated like shit?

MICHELLE WYATT

Peter runs up the stairs, for an awful moment I thought he was going to hit her. 

PETER WYATT

It was like someone else had taken control over me. I fling open the door - Abby's head bolts round. Then I find myself opening up the CD player and slinging the CD out of the open window into the neighbour's garden.

MICHELLE WYATT

When Peter calmed down he had to go round the neighbour's house and, all sheepish, ask for the CD back.

PETER WYATT

I felt proper stupid, real ashamed. I was making a good point, but I went about it in completely the wrong way. Instead of winning the respect of my daughter and wife - I'd lost what little I had.

MICHELLE WYATT

Peter had to do some major grovelling to me and Abby. Bless him! Blaming it on the pressure of work. Abby asked for the Robbie Williams Video as compensation and Peter had to swallow it and buy it for her.

JERRY ZMUDA

Your teenage daughter won't talk to you and she plays Robbie Williams over and over again. Who can blame a man for losing his temper? That's justifiable grounds for homicide.

When Peter told me the story, it made me grateful that I missed out on the joys of parenthood.

DERMOTT AT GOD SQUAD TOWERS

DERMOTT COLLINS

Yes, I have a drink problem. But I was never an alcky. I never got them early morning cravings for a brew. Well not often anyway. I turned to drink for something to do, and it got so I was drinking all the time, and then getting into scrapes.  That's what I brought me to God Squad Towers.

BIFFO (Shelby Towers staff)

I was appointed Dermott Collins’ key worker and later his counsellor at Shelby Towers. The first thing he said to me at our first face-to-face was - “You ain’t turning me into no born-again Christian.”

DERMOTT COLLINS

Felt sick when the car picked me up to take me there. Kept on thinking - if only I'd kept the drinking down a bit, this needn't have happened. I was only going cos Peter and me old man wanted it, and they were footing the bill. I was scared I was going to get turned into a Stepford Dermott - spouting ‘Jesus Love You’ to passing strangers and the old Dermott Collins with the Basil Brush laugh, that we all know and hate would be no more.

BIFFO

Many people coming on the programme are very wary at first. I tried my best to put Dermott at his ease. I explained that we are not trying to brain-wash him, or destroy his personality. We are going to work together to beat your addiction.

DERMOTT COLLINS

But I haven’t got an addiction - I just like a shant.

BIFFO

And an important step in beating your addiction, is admitting you have one. And then searching within yourself the root of it – the feelings that you are trying to suppress.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Fuck off God Botherer.

BIFFO

The first one-to-one with Dermott Collins didn’t go too well. It was going to be a difficult eleven months.

DERMOTT COLLINS

But got a pleasant surprise when I finally arrived at the place. God Squad Towers was a beautiful large house in the countryside with peacocks in the gardens, like the sort of place a rock star like Keith Moon might live in. I always dreamed, if The Grundy ever took off, that I would live in a big country house like this. And now I was - for eleven months, sharing it with dozens of alckies, druggies and Jesus nuts.

PETER WYATT

On Dermott's first day on the programme, he phones me from the place, saying how beautiful the house is. Then he goes, “Is it alright if I bail and come home? Will you get your money back?”

I said – “No Fucking Way - you are seeing this one through.”

BIFFO

My name is Craig Barrowman, and I have been through the programme myself, my vice was Heroin. In my first one-to-one with Dermott he decided I looked like the comic character Biffo the Bear. Within a couple of hours this had passed around the manor, and so I had myself a new nickname.

DERMOTT COLLINS

So I was stuck here for the next eleven months or incur the wrath of Peter Wyatt.

BIFFO

Here at Shelby Towers we offer the perfect peaceful environment to get your life back on track. It’s a robust programme based on the values of companionship and teamwork. We need them to look at why they are addicts – look at the root causes. We also need them to live to a strict routine - eating at specific times and a rota of duties and tasks.

It’s not an easy programme. But if it was easy - it wouldn’t work.

The Christianity is not obligatory. We do not force it down people’s throats. But it helps, because it’s all about humility and surrendering yourself to a higher power.

DERMOTT COLLINS

I had surrendered to myself to a higher power – his name is Peter Wyatt. He ordered me to be here – so be it.

The place was a right horror show of geezers from all over the British Isles. Scouseland, Yorkshire, the East End, the Uh Ar West country, and some Jock who I couldn't understand a word of what he said. All of them with a story to tell, and boy did they like to tell it. What I found funny was that we are all in the same boat and we were all supposed to have stopped using - but there was a real strong rivalry between the alckies - who think they're funny, to the druggies - who think they're  hardcore, living on the edge.

BIFFO

Dermott’s big problem at the outset was that he still didn’t consider himself an addict. He thought he was above the rest of them. He needed to empathise with his fellow residents.

DERMOTT COLLINS

We used to have the regular sessions where we all sit around and talk about our lives. Fuckin' stroll on. I thought ‘muda the brooder was the king of self-pity – but this lot were in a different league.

“I never 'ad nothing. Going up in a puff of smoke.”

I try and liven it up with a bit of Titus Humour. I say – “I never had much of a chance I was brought up in a Craic House. You see me Dad being Irish and he was always up for the Craic.”

Nothing. It was tumbleweed time, the wind whistling in the background. God I hate that.

COLIN BREWER (Shelby Towers resident)

I got talking to Dermott. You could tell he was a drinker, he just had that look. I told Dermott – “It’s easy for you, you’re over 30 – you’ve done your years of gear and booze. Me I’m only 20 and I’ve got to pack it all in now.“

But it was music that helped me through it. Shelby Towers had this little music studio, and a couple of times a week, we were allowed to have a go. I was trying to learn the guitar from a book I’d got – and it really helped take me mind off things. Then, over a smoke, Dermott lets on that he used to play a bit. I said – “Come on then, let’s hear yer.”

DERMOTT COLLINS

Colin was a bundle of energy. Like Tigger the tiger bouncing about. I could see how he could easily become an addict - always so enthusiastic about everything. Biffo said to me – “Help him channel his energy into a positive direction.” So we talked endlessly about music, swapping CDs.

COLIN BREWER

He’s like 20 years older than me and he’s going – “Do you think when we get out, it would be alright to do some MDMA powder once in a while?”

I said – “Course not – you’ve got to stay clean – that means CLEAN.“

“But I’m an alckie not a druggie.”

“No difference mate – we’re all addicts, you’ve got to stay clean for now and the rest of your life.”

DERMOTT COLLINS

I hadn't played a guitar in eighteen years. When Colin asked me, I strummed a bit, and it all came flooding back. After a couple of minutes of fiddling about, I went straight into the riff of Feltham Made Me then I started singing along – ‘Feltham Is Mine, Feltham Is Mine.’ It felt good.

COLIN BREWER

I was blown away – “What the fuck is that tune?”

“I made it up myself.”

“Will you show me how to play it?”

“Yeah OK.”

“So I take it you were in a band then?”

“Yeah – sort of.”

“Where did you play?”

DERMOTT COLLINS

We headlined The Hand & Spear in Weybridge a few times, King's Head, Putney, Feltham Football - err no we pulled out of that one. The Airman in Feltham - oh no we got chased out of that one. Well we didn't do too many gigs come to think of it.

COLIN BREWER

I insisted we form a band together when we get out. But Dermott was going “Nah! I’m too old.”

I said – “You’re never too old mate. Not when you can come up with riffs like that.”

BIFFO

Once Dermott started playing that guitar he changed. His cynicism melted away. He wasn’t especially brilliant – but he played with panache. And he forged a friendship with young Colin. They were two of the most vulnerable people on the programme at the time. I was delighted.

DERMOTT COLLINS

I taught meself to play Hibernation by Ted Nugent. Very satisfying. Looking out onto the grounds, morning sun coming out, peacocks squawking away. I think I was finding what them ponses call inner peace.

PETER WYATT

I got a postcard from Dermott - one sentence. “Send me an electric guitar.”

DERMOTT COLLINS

Christmas at Shelby Towers was going to be difficult. For me Christmas had always been one long booze up that started in early December and didn't finish until after New Year. It were traditional, passed from generation to generation.

BIFFO

I knew we'd turned the corner with Dermott when he started coming to church with us.

DERMOTT COLLINS

I started going to church for one reason and one reason only -  to see a bird, any bird. I'd been at the Towers for months and the only ones I'd seen had been on the telly. So I got myself dolled up, nicked some of Cozy's aftershave and got on that mini-bus.

JERRY ZMUDA

I got Peter on the phone saying to me - “You must write to Dermott.” I said “OK OK OK.” I turned on my computer and stared at an empty screen. So in the end, I just sent a Christmas Card and all I could think to write was STAY FREE.

DERMOTT COLLINS

I was over-joyed - yes overjoyed when I got that Chritsmas card from Jerry. It meant a lot to me, and Stay Free is my favourite Clash song.

We met when we were at school,

Never took no shit from no-one - we weren’t fools.

On my last day at Shelby Towers I gave the lads a little speech. I said to them – “When I came here, I was a right cocky bleeder, taking the piss out of the druggies and the Christians. But this place has taught me many things – and one of them is HUMILITY.”

I left my guitar behind, it was my donation to the manor. I promised I’d stay in touch – especially with Colin.

BIFFO

I told Dermott – “You a very lucky man to have a father like yours. Many men on this programme have been deserted by their parents. Your father is a true rock.”

FRANK COLLINS

When Dermott came out of rehab he was talking about moving into a flat and getting out of my way. I said – “No way. Stay with me.”

DERMOTT COLLINS

I said I needed to live somewhere that doesn't have a drinks cabinet - I can't have that temptation. And it's not fair on me Old Man. I don't see why he should go without his stocked up drinks cabinet just because I got fucked up on the booze.

FRANK COLLINS

But I will. I want to. The drink cabinet goes, and you can stay.

MICHELLE WYATT

I had no idea that Peter had spent some of our savings on rehab for Dermott “lost cause” Collins. If I had known I would have left him.

THE CHRISTMAS GET-TOGETHER THAT NEVER WAS – NUMBER 2

JERRY ZMUDA

Time whooshes by when you hit middle age. You can't chart what you were doing by which Jam release was out at the time, or which club night you were going to. When you're middle aged all the days and week-ends merge into one unexciting cultural blandness. I had stayed in touch with Peter, mainly chatting on the phone, but I hadn't seen or spoken to Dermott for years. Life was less eventful, not as crazy without him, but I never once felt the urge to get in touch.

But I’d often get a Dermott flashback – like listening to Radio 4 one time and they mention the Labour MP Stephen Ladyman. Was this same Ladyman that me and Dermott crank-called as kids? Then on Watchdog I heard about some Bank Transfer email scam that used the name Jonathan Bagg. Was Dermott behind it, using our old fictional alias?

PETER WYATT

I knew it was right, with Dermott clean and sober, I was determined to get my friends together.

Jerry was carrying this whacking great chip on his shoulder about not making it when we were Septimus Grundy. But that's not what matters. What really matters is that we shared those times together and that we had a marvellous adventure. And that's why the three of us should get together - to celebrate that.

I felt sure that once Jerry set eyes on his old friend, once he heard Dermott do his Basil Brush laugh - all those memories and good times would come flooding back and - Jerry would accept him back into his life. It really mattered to me. All my life I've seen people around me flaking out on each other, not supporting each other. I was determined my closest friends wouldn't do that.

JERRY ZMUDA

When I was with Lydia I was buffered, protected. I had a good excuse for not going to any unholy trinity re-union. But now I was exposed and vulnerable. Peter assured me that Dermott was now clean and sober. I said I didn't believe it. He said “seeing is believing” - but I was adamant about not wanting to see him.

PETER WYATT

With Jerry still refusing to see Dermott, I did another one of my sneaky ones. I invited Jerry round one Saturday afternoon around Christmas. The big surprise was that Dermott was hiding in the pantry. So when Jerry comes round I loosen him up with a beer and tell him – “There's something in the pantry for you.”

DERMOTT COLLINS

I’d been sat like a lemon in there for an hour with nothing but a thermos flask of tea to keep me warm.

JERRY ZMUDA

So I go in the kitchen, open the pantry door and there is sat Dermott. He jumps up and yells “SURPRISE” and started off with his manic Basil Brush cackle. I hadn't seen Dermott in so many years - and I was immediately struck with how healthy he looked. His complexion was not pasty any more, he was back to being slim and he had healthy rosy complexion.

But I just wasn't in the mood. It's not even that I made a decision to walk out. I just couldn't bring myself to stay there. I couldn't hang about with Dermott. Same old jokes, trying to wind me up. I don't want to be a prisoner of the past and I don't want to be Dermott's perpetual fall guy. So I dropped my awkward smile and stormed out of there with Dermott and Peter looking on open-mouthed.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Once a sulk. Always a sulk. Jerry thought we were going to chase after him. We should have done – to give him a good kicking. Jerksky’s been a cunt all his life, I guess he wasn’t about to stop now.

JERRY ZMUDA

I called up Peter the next day to apologize. But I wasn't really sorry at all, in fact I thought Peter should apologize to me. But I felt I needed to explain my position. I'd had a lifetime's worth of Dermott. I had to move on. There's too much baggage with him - and you know what? I still blame him for the demise of Septimus Grundy.

PETER WYATT

I was fuming, proper fuming with Jerry. This could send Dermott back to the bottle and undo all the good work from the last year.

But it was important that I stayed in touch with Jerry. That way there was still hope that we might all get back together as friends. I was still hopeful that Jerry would change his mind - and I wanted to be there when it happened.

JERRY ZMUDA

I have to be honest but my thoughts at this time were - what the hell is wrong with Peter? Why is it so important to him to have these re-unions? Doesn't he understand that people change - people move on?

I wanted to remain friends with Peter, and maybe one day I'd happily sit down and chat with Dermott. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it right now.

SAINT PETER

JERRY ZMUDA

I called Peter one night, I was saying something like –

“The Libertines what's all the fuss about? We were doing that sort of thing 20 years ago.”

Peter was silent for a bit and then said - “Fuck off Jerry I haven't got time for this now.” And he hung up.

Those were the last words he ever said to me.

CALVIN BETTERIDGE

People don’t realize that one the most common reasons for the fire brigade to get called out is for road accidents. You arrive in the fire engine and cut the survivors out of the car. Then the ambulance crew take over. I used to hate it. I would turn up to my shift and think - hope we get a proper fire today.

MICHELLE WYATT

We were sitting down to Saturday lunch - in silence. Peter finished off his apple pie and custard, he got up and said - “I'm off - I'm doing a double shift today.” And he was out of there. I didn't so much as look at him.

CALVIN BETTERIDGE

He switched shifts, he fucking switched shifts. One of the young ‘uns wanted to go out Saturday night. So good old Peter stood up and said - “Go on to your stag night. I’ll cover for you.” How much do I wish he never said that.

Around 5 am we get a call, there’s a pile up on the A3. We raced there in the engine and we got there before the ambulances. The pile up involved three cars. One hit the bank and the crash victim had gone through the windscreen, the second car is on fire but the family thankfully got out in time, the third car is overturned, petrol leaking, and inside is a trapped solitary female. Peter runs to the car, I remember clearly his words - “Don’t worry Lady. We’ll have you out of there in no time.”

The rest of the crew get to work putting out the flames on the burning car as the ambulance crew finally arrive. In the dark we didn’t see the trickle of petrol trail towards the upturned car. When it caught light it all happened so fast. Within seconds the upturned car became one big loud fireball. Peter was killed instantly.

MICHELLE WYATT

When I got the call. I didn't move - didn't utter a word. I just went into shock.

I then went up to our bed-room and picked up his bass guitar. I strummed a note and then it started to sink in, and I broke down and cried.

ABBY WYATT (Peter’s daughter)

I heard Mum crying. No it was wailing – upstairs. So I ran up and saw her there with Dad’s bass guitar strapped on. I said – “What’s Dad gone and done this time?”

“He’s gone and died”.

MICHELLE WYATT

They gave Peter a big Fireman's funeral, never seen so many flowers, which is a bit funny really given Peter’s allergy.

JERRY ZMUDA

At the funeral among all the reefs somebody lay down a box of Toblerone I looked round - who was it? Is this Dermott's idea of a joke? But then I let it go. There was a bigger picture.

CALVIN BETTERIDGE

I tried to comfort Michelle and Abby. But how can you comfort someone when something like this happens? I just touched Michelle’s elbow and gave her a sorrowful smile. There was a massive turn out to his funeral. Unsurprising - everyone who ever met Peter was won over by his cheerfulness, friendliness. He was always there to help people out, show support when you needed it. He died a hero trying to save someone’s life – and we will always remember him. I was going to say all this when I did the eulogy but after a couple of sentences, I broke down and cried.

FRANK COLLINS

Going to Peter’s funeral with Dermott was truly the saddest thing ever. Never been to a funeral where there were so many people and so much grief. No one was in the mood for a wake afterwards, that’s normally for when someone who’s had a good innings and we drink to their memory. But to be cruelly taken from us like that - the mood was one of abject misery. Peter was a good influence on Dermott - a good influence on anybody that ever knew him.

DERMOTT COLLINS

At the funeral I felt like drinking so bad. My mind kept telling me just one - just one. But then I kept on thinking about Peter, looking down from the heavens, saying to me – “I didn't spend all that money on rehab just for you to blow it all at my funeral.”

JERRY ZMUDA

Peter had a worthwhile life - a family, a proper job, saving lives as a firefighter. This should not be happening. It should be me in that casket. Me - a useless regurgitator of press releases, no proper friends, no real loved ones. I swear if I could have traded with God I would have done. I was in no mood to be philosophical about it. My best friend was dead - nothing was ever going to be the same again.

DERMOTT COLLINS

I saw Jerry in the church standing up praying, looking downwards. I felt my heart go a-flicker - I guess because I hadn't seen him for a long time. After the service I push my way over and say Hello. He said Hello back, smiled and walked away. I felt like pulling him back to say something like - “Peter wanted us to be friends.” But he walked away real quick.

ABBY WYATT

I never once thought that the whole throwing the CD out of the window was the work of an abusive father. I mean you don’t want your Dad to be happy and reasonable all the time – you’ve got to have an edge. It was funny – me and the girls used to laugh about it. I made him feel bad about it afterwards – so he would buy me more stuff. He was so generous, he was the best father anybody could wish for. I just wish I could have told him that before he set off to work that day.

MICHELLE WYATT

I found out afterwards when I went through his finances that Peter had paid for Dermott's rehab. But I wasn't angry now - instead it was just more proof of how kind and caring Peter was.

IT’S MONKEY TIME REVISITED

DERMOTT COLLINS

With Peter gone, every now again I'd think - who the fuck am I staying sober for? I liked to think he was looking down from the clouds - smiling at me. But maybe he wouldn't mind me having one drink after a hard day's graft. No. No. NO!

LYDIA DANCEY

I made my decision. If Jerry was going to make the effort to phone me - I was going to stay with him and make that big commitment. But if he didn't phone, I'd move on and forget about him. It was all down to him. I was sick of having to be the initiator all the time - it's not very good for a girl's self esteem. All he had to do was pick up the phone. So I waited. I gave him six months.

Then I gave him another six months.

JERRY ZMUDA

I was still single and felt I needed to settle down with a woman. I was still looking for THE ONE, and reflected back on that list -

•Someone I can have fun with

•Someone I can feel relaxed with

•Someone I can share my innermost feelings with

•Someone I look forward to seeing every time

•Someone I want to spend my future with

And with that my thoughts returned to Lydia. She is all of those things - just not all of the time. I came this close to picking up the phone but started thinking about all the ill-feelings. How we'd lived together and experienced the dull ache of the magic expiring from our relationship. Then I found myself thinking about Michelle. I'd had a thing for her since primary school. She was single now after all.

MICHELLE WYATT

So I was a widow, the Fireman's pension and insurance meant I didn't have to go out and get a job. But with the kids getting older I thought about getting one, just to get me out of the house. Then I had the brainwave of starting up my own clothes-making business.

JERRY ZMUDA

Christmas gave me the perfect excuse to get over there. I gave Michelle a call, and after about fifteen minutes of chatting, she invites me over. So I dressed up and set off, armed with a stack of presents for Abby and Carl.

DERMOTT COLLINS

I'd been doing a job in Feltham converting these waste grounds into a park. When we were kids we used to call this place the 40 acre, where I used to sell my freshly stolen porno mags. Right nearby was the cemetery where Septimus Grundy himself is buried. The first day I worked there, the memories came flooding back, but after a couple of days it was just another place of work.

JERRY ZMUDA

I was going to cab it over to Michelle's, but then I thought I'd save some money and get the bus. I walk up to pay my fare, and the driver's glaring at me. “Get off My Bus!” He growls. I'd recognize that growl and stare of hate anywhere - it was Mr. Heyward my primary school teacher. “Get off my Bus - I mean it!” As I waited for the next bus I thought I'd call Dermott and share the moment with him. But then I realized we still weren't talking. But that put Dermott in my mind for the first time that day.

MICHELLE WYATT

I knew what Jerry was up to. But I actually didn't mind, I didn't want to be alone forever. It didn't feel right, but at the same time, it didn't feel wrong.

JERRY ZMUDA

When I got to Michelle's, to my dismay young Carl had a friend round and they were playing round the living room. I still wasn't comfortable around kids. I watched them playing. Could I be a step-father to him and Abby?

It wouldn't be easy, but I could adapt. I had to.  They were playing Planet of the Apes and Carl was wearing his Galen mask.

MICHELLE WYATT

I could tell Jerry was nervous, he said something really unoriginal like - “It's good to keep the kids active and not spending too much time on the Play Station.” I realized he had something else on his mind.

JERRY ZMUDA

I was gearing myself up to asking Michelle out on a date. I looked down on Carl, still in the ape mask playing dead - when suddenly Carl jumped up in the air and yelled  “IT'S MONKEY TIME!”

Those words were the cue for someone to switch on a film projector inside my head. A sequence of shots flashed away…I was there - fighting the Kung Fu Kids - heckling the Nativity Play - phoning Mr. Ladyman - playing tricks on the Vicar - bunking off school to see The Jam. I swear all those images, all those emotions ran through my brain, triggered off by just those words - IT'S MONKEY TIME.

MICHELLE WYATT

Jerry had his moment. Just staring at Carl playing in the living room - and then he just got up, said his goodbye and went. I was relieved. Very relieved.

FRANK COLLINS

I got a phone call from Jerry sounding all hyper demanding to know where Dermott was working. I said – “He’s not got himself into any more trouble now has he?”

DERMOTT COLLINS

So I'm working away at the 40 acre all on me jack, the winds gets icier and I'm thinking to myself - why couldn't I get an office job? Then I get a call on my mobile. The geezer sounded all bunged up. But I could tell he was trying to disguise his voice.

“I've got a job for you.”

“Great.”

“Pays well.”

“Even better.”

“But there's one special requirement.”

“I'm listening.”

“You have to listen to Supertramp all day.”

“What the fuck is this? Fuck off you crank,” and I hang up.

He calls back - “Don't you dare hang up on me....” Then I could hear the geezer talking was hiding behind the wall. I ran over and there he was - that fucker JERRY ZMUDA. My first thoughts were - what the fuck do you want? It seems he wanted to chat, about Mr. Heyward working on the buses.

JERRY ZMUDA

Dermott didn't seemed overjoyed to see me - in fact he seemed put out. He wasn't due to finish work for another two hours, so I made him promise to meet me at the nearby pub when he finishes off. “I'd better warn you, I don't drink no more,” he says.

DERMOTT COLLINS

By the time I get to the boozer, Jerry was pretty steaming and went on some more about the old days, like we'd never been away from each other. For me this were all a bit strange - but I've had such a history with this geezer, it was impossible for me not to feel a little bit happy about seeing him again.

JERRY ZMUDA

He matched me for a lime and soda for every beer I drank. I said – “Come on have just one beer - one beer.”

Dermott politely declined - “I can't, the man upstairs man is watching.” I knew immediately who he meant. I raised a glass to his memory.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Then out of the blue - out of all this blabbering about the old days, he says to me - “I'm sorry.”

“About what?”

“I'm sorry I blanked you - I'm sorry I never got in touch.”

“It's alright - I understand.”

“You do?”

“Of course.” Then he gave me a hug. I said -

“Steady on mate. The locals are staring. This ain't the done thing in a Feltham boozer.”

JERRY ZMUDA

It got so I drank my fill, time to go home. Dermott ordered me a taxi and put me in it. He even paid for it. This was a different Dermott, a responsible Dermott, lime and soda drinking Dermott.  Dermott giving a nod to the man upstairs.

There was me looking for THE ONE - and there he was all the time.

CARL WYATT (Peter’s son)

Dad would always call them two Uncle Jerry and Uncle Dermott, although Mum said they aren’t really my uncles. Monkey Time was just something we always said when we were playing – Dad would say it and Uncle Dermott would say it as well, all my friends said it from time to time. I had no idea when I was playing in front of Uncle Jerry – by shouting  “It’s Monkey time,” I was helping him and Uncle Dermott become friends again. I just said it because it really felt like Monkey Time.

Thank you for reading Feltham Made Me. 

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