Part 8 – Whatever Happened to the Unholy Trinity?
l FAST FORWARD TO 1994
l SURREY’S BURNING
l WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE UNHOLY TRINITY?
l HIGH NOON IN HIGH WYCOMBE
l EXPRESS YOURSELF - DON’T REPRESS YOURSELF
l WHITE CHRISTMAS
l SMIKE - NO STRAIGHT JACKET REQUIRED
l PARIS MATCH – THE MATCH THAT LIGHTED MY FIRE
l JERRY, IT WAS REALLY NOTHING
FAST FORWARD TO 1994
JERRY ZMUDA
A friend from school moved to Miami when he was a child. The very first weekend, his Father takes him to Disneyland. Going on all the rides, watching the parade under the magnificent spired castle, singing When You Wish Upon A Star as he went home. It's the most amazing experience of this young child's life. He says to his father - “Thank you Daddy for bringing me to this wonderful place.”
So Daddy takes him to Disneyland the next week-end and it's still great - and the next week-end, and the next weekend and so and so on - and the kid is happy that he is building up an intimate knowledge of this unique, magical place.
Four years later his Father is still taking him to Disneyland every weekend. Suddenly my friend says to his Dad - “Enough! The rides aren't thrilling anymore, the parade under the castle has lost its magic. Singing When You Wish Upon A Star has become a dirge! I AM BORED WITH DISNEYLAND.” The father looks back at him with a blank face - “But son, I can't think of anywhere else to take you.” And that's what happened to me with the Ecstasy scene.
PETER WYATT
Jerry was in the habit of phoning me up at weird times, just wanting a chat. Saying stuff like - “Have you heard Nirvana ? All that whispering stuff and then shouting - all quiet and then loud. We were doing all that ten years ago.” That's right, we were, we should have stuck with it. But we didn't - and now we're all going to be 30 in a couple of months.
JERRY ZMUDA
Me a 30 year old? How did this happen? I found the very thought deeply traumatizing. How did I achieve so little in such a large amount of time? I was still clubbing it, putting on the occasional half arsed event. I kept on telling myself it was great that I was still “having it” at my age, when I presumed that everyone else from school would be at home working out their mortgage re-payments. I told myself this, but I would sometimes catch my reflection in a mirror in a night-club - my filled out face, my weather-beaten features. Should I really still be doing this at my age?
DERMOTT COLLINS
Me Old Man came to the rescue, sorted me out a job doing landscape gardening. Liked it, all peaceful, listening to Cds all day and grafting away. A nice feeling at the end of the working day looking over what I'd done and compare it to how it looked when I started that morning. Mind you, you didn't want to work too fast. Not when you're on a daily rate.
I liked being close to nature - the birds singing, a breeze in my face, all that bollocks. After the Lord William bit I stayed well away from drugs and drug dealing. Well, now and then the boys I worked with needed some Ganja sorting - so I acted as a middle man. So apart from boshing out the occasional pill in the boozer, and the odd wrap here and there, I'd given up drug dealing totally.
JERRY ZMUDA
When you first take ecstasy, it's a catalyst. Your mind starts thinking in a new way, it opens you up to meeting new people, it really does broaden your mind. But after months of repeated use, you begin to stagnate. Now you're saying the same old stuff over and over again. Same old routine and it's no longer creative. Your mind isn't taking you to new places anymore.
Some of my fellow clubbers had “graduated” from E to charlie. But charlie is deceptive - you think you're holding it together, being cool. You think you know what you're talking about. But soon enough you're just another babbling idiot. It's hardly progress.
PETER WYATT
After Carl was born, Michelle started getting all moody again. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. I wanted an atmosphere of family bliss. I couldn't just blame it all on post-natal depression and PMT and other women's trouble. I could tell she was getting bored with me. I needed to do something - take charge of my life and win back the respect of the woman I love.
MICHELLE WYATT
I know I was being hard on Peter. He's a very caring considerate man - no woman could hope for any better. But I'm sure most women go through this when it comes to kids. You feel that you're carrying everything on your shoulders. The man of the house just thinks - oh! there's two more in the family now, that two's more plates on the table and we need a couple of spare rooms. But there's so much more to raising children than men realize.
PETER WYATT
It was very important for me to stay close to my buddies, I'm talking about Dermott and Jerry here. So I would often invite them round. It was fascinating to watch them play with the kids. They were so different - Dermott is a natural with kids and knows how to play with them - make 'em laugh. “It's Monkey Time” he would go, and Carl's face would light up with laughter. Carl would often ask “when is Uncle Dewott” - he couldn't say Dermott - “coming round?
Jerry on the other hand - all stiff and awkward. “How's it going?” And shake his hand like he's at a job interview.
MICHELLE WYATT
Peter was always getting Carl and Abby to call them Uncle Jerry and Uncle Dermott. I kept saying “No! No they are not your uncles. No way are those jerks related to us - in any way at all.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
Carl's an amazing dustbin lid. I loved being Uncle Dewott. Going round Peter's was ace. Having all the good stuff about being a Dad - all the playing around - and none of the bad stuff - the bills, the cleaning up the mess, the trouble and strife.
JERRY ZMUDA
I envied Peter. Marriage is natural and normal. Being on your own in some crappy bedsit is not right at the age of 29. I should have been paired myself off by now. Was it too late?
SURREY’S BURNING
MICHELLE WYATT
I suppose it's inevitable, but ten years into a marriage and a lot of the magic has faded. You fall into a routine and there's no heart racing over seeing your partner come through the door. But I knew things had reached a real low when Peter started breaking wind in front of me while we were watching telly.
PETER WYATT
This became a big thing with Michelle. “I can't believe you'd break wind in front of me.” Made me feel really low, I was so apologetic. ”Sorry it just slipped out,” but she wouldn't have it. I try not to do it in front of the old girl, but you know, I was in my own house, I'd had a hard day, I was relaxing and it just slipped out.
MICHELLE WYATT
Another thing that started taking the shine out of it was hearing Peter through the wall making these loud straining noises when he sat on the toilet. That was a total turn-off.
PETER WYATT
Cabbying was getting me down - driving drunks, swearing and puking up in your cab, or drugged up kids talking endless bollocks from Acton Vale to Upminster.
Late one night, I was taking this yuppie couple back to their home in Chiswick. As I turned into their nice well-to-do road - we saw ahead of us this house ablaze and a big fire-engine beside it. All these firemen were running around trying to put the fire out with their hoses. I slammed the brakes and the couple dashed off screaming in the direction of the fire.
“My House - My House!”
I thought Oi -What about my fare? There was well over a score on the meter. I was parked there waiting for my fare but the couple had other things on their mind. I looked over at these fireman in their uniform trying to put this fire out, and I thought to myself - NOW THAT IS A PROPER JOB.
MICHELLE WYATT
He should have consulted me. That's what marriage is all about - sharing your life and making decisions together. And decisions don't come bigger than changing your job.
PETER WYATT
I wanted to surprise Michelle. They say romance is all about surprises. I certainly didn't want the embarrassment of telling her I was applying to join the Fire Brigade, and then get turned down. So I filled in the form and went for the interviews and physical tests. I knew they were going to be rigorous so I had been on a strict exercise programme for a couple of months before. I wouldn't have made it otherwise.
JERRY ZMUDA
Fireman, a very noble profession The polar opposite of snivelling telesales. I was phoning people up all day and trying to weasel money out of them. At the end of the working day I felt dirty, I had to clean the smarm out of my phone.
PETER WYATT
So the day I got the letter of acceptance from the Surrey Fire Brigade, I went down to the station and asked to borrow a uniform. Then I went home to see Michelle.
MICHELLE WYATT
I opened the door and there's Peter dressed up like a fireman. He's smiling and goes - “Anybody order a strip-o-gram?” Then he tells me he's been accepted by the fire brigade. I was furious. Totally hit the roof. Mind you, he did look sexy in that uniform.
PETER WYATT
Initially I was taking a drop in wages from cabbying to being a fire-fighter. But to offset this I did bit of moonlighting - cabbying on the side. A bit naughty I know, but I had a family to feed. Plus I was determined to raise the money to have this we're-all-thirty-now re-union party.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE UNHOLY TRINITY?
JERRY ZMUDA
I wasn't at all keen on this joint 30th party idea. Especially as I'd been telling people on the club scene that I was 28. This party was going to blow my cover.
PETER WYATT
So we're all turning 30 - so fucking what? What are we supposed to do? Shrink away and pretend it's not happening? No! Let's have a fuck-off party and make a song and dance about it. Celebrate that we'd got this far without dieing, getting bankrupt or going to jail. Though we've scraped pretty close to all three. Invite all our old friends from the past - all the kids from Feltham, the people who used come and see The Grundy, bods from the club scene. Maybe even get The Grundy to reform and play a few tracks.
JERRY ZMUDA
This 30th party would be sad enough, but re-forming Septimus Grundy would be one drive too far down Tragic Boulevard. I became even less keen on this 30th party idea when Peter told me the venue he had booked for it - Feltham Football Club. Why not book British Steel as well?
PETER WYATT
Feltham Football Club is the ideal place for our 30th get together. Jerry - this is your roots mate. Remember your song? FELTHAM MADE ME.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
This is totally regrettable. I got a message on my ansafone from Peter asking me to DJ at their joint 30th party, he wanted me to play a classic ‘88 set. So I call back, and his nine year-old daughter Abby picks up the phone. There should be a law to stop kids answering phone calls between grown-ups.
PETER WYATT
I was furious when Abby gave me the message. He was saying he doesn't play the '88 stuff anymore, and in any case he now charges £300 a night and he's got a booking that night at Checkpoint Charlie in Reading. I called him back and left a message on his ansafone. My message - “Stick your Moody DJ attitude and your box of boring records that all sound the same up your arse!”
OLIVER MACINTOSH
Peter totally got the wrong end of the stick. The message I left with Abby was I was happy to play the party - I normally charge £300 a night but I don’t want any money for the party. I’ve got a booking that night in Reading but I’ll get it moved to play the later set, so I can play in Feltham earlier. I tried phoning back to explain and got Abby again. Kids who’d have ‘em? A month or two later, I write Peter a letter, just to say I wanted to do the party for free - as a way of saying thank you. Them Donkey Planet parties were insane and chaotic, but that’s what gave me my first break in DJing. I am not the Moody DJ - not just yet.
PETER WYATT
In the event, tracking everyone down that I wanted to invite turned out to be a fucking nightmare. Remember this is the days before the internet - emails and what have you.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Dead set on inviting Mr. Heyward - teacher from primary school. Sort of wanted to say sorry, laugh about it all. Phoned the old school - they tell me that he's packed in teaching in - he's a bus driver. So I phoned London Transport, someone was going to leave a message in his pigeon hole.
MR. HEYWARD (Bus Driver)
I got the message – ‘Dermott Collins and Jerry Zmuda are having a re-union party at Feltham Football Club. Fancy coming?’ It was obviously a trap. I decided I was going to beat them at their own game. I was going to turn up early and turn the tables on them.
SANJEEV SRIDHARAN (Feltham School - left 1980)
It had been a seriously shit time for poor old Sanjeev. After doing rather nicely in the boom time of the late eighties I bought a large house on the edge of Bedfont and moved in with my wife. Things were going great. Then the business started faltering, I fell into negative equity, nearly went bankrupt and the biggest heart-break of all, I got my house repossessed. I had some builders booked into to do about three months of renovation work and I had to cancel them at short notice. I was dreading having to tell them, but fortunately the guy was very understanding, a chap called Frank Collins who turned out to be Dermottitus’s Dad. I explained everything to them and at the end Dermott invites me to their 30th re-union party. Loads of old faces from Feltham will be there. Sounds great, I said, I could do with some fucking cheering up.
PETER WYATT
The invites had a picture of us three, grinning like cheshire cats - fourteen years of age. It read WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE UNHOLY TRINITY? Find out at their 30th birthday re-union party. There was buffet layed on, but they had to pay for their own booze. Everyone had to be there by seven o'clock, because I wanted to show them a slide show.
JERRY ZMUDA
But once you got beyond the words Feltham Football club, there was nothing foreboding about the place once you were inside. It was basic function room, bar to the side, stage at the end with a tinsel cloth behind. To help perfect the family party ambience Peter had done the place up with balloons and streamers. All we needed now was the bad dancing from your Aunties & Uncles.
MR. HEYWARD
The invite said get there by seven, So I got there for six. So I can observe my plan unfold.
JERRY ZMUDA
I arrived early as instructed; there was about eight people in.
As I made my way to the bar I felt these mad eyes burning into me from across the hall. They belonged to a bearded man - it was Mr. Heyward. I went over to him and said – “Hullo Mr. Heyward. How has life treated you?”
“Not bad. I've changed my career. How about you? Badly I hope.”
“Why Badly?”
“No reason - I just want bad things to happen to you. I don't know why.”
This fazed me, I was trying to frame a reply when this really smelly tramp walked in, wearing boots made out of carrier bags.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Thought it would be a top fucking cackle to show up dressed like some tramp. Walked in wearing rags, loads of carrier bags with cans of Special Brew in them.
JERRY ZMUDA
The handful of people there gasped and just stared - no-one said hello, though they all eventually recognized Dermott. Then he took his coat off and underneath he was wearing a smartish suit. He then went to the toilet for a shave. It was actually rather amusing.
MICHELLE WYATT
Yeah that's funny. Funny and true at the same time. Dermott was turning into a bit of Special Brew type. The sort you see coming out of the bookies and grabbing all the special offers down the offie. Jerry on the other hand was starting to look quite dapper.
PETER WYATT
Before the booze starts flowing I see Jerry sat at a table talking to Michelle. He's looking all miserable and forlorn. I said – “What's up?” He says - “I just feel down, I really wanted to have made it by the time I was 30.”
JERRY ZMUDA
He said to me - “Fuck Fame and Success - it's Friends what Matter!” But that's hardly any consolation when your friends are people like Dermott.
MICHELLE WYATT
It was nice to see Jerry. Jerry had grown up - he'd matured. He wasn't putting on his tortured artist act, like he used to. We sat down and we had a proper heart to heart. Something we'd never done before.
JERRY ZMUDA
I told Michelle I felt I should have been paired off and married by now, and she agreed with me. Peter was a very lucky man to be married to the beautiful and intelligent Michelle.
MICHELLE WYATT
I tried to comfort Jerry. I said to him at least you're ageing better than Dermott. He looks like a drunken slob. He's getting fat, but he's also losing it. He's not sharp anymore, there's long gaps before he thinks of something to say. And when he does, it’s something boring and tired like “isn’t that the geezer that stole your box of Toblerone?”
PETER WYATT
The place is filling up, slowly. Too slowly for my liking. I'd planned on showing a slide show of old photographs, which is why I wanted everyone there early. But I needed more people in, so I put it off till later. I'm getting anxious behind the decks playing soul music to get the few people there in the mood. Then this sour faced geezer with frizzy hair comes up to me and in a thick Glasgow accent asks to see Dermott Collins or Jerry Zmuda. He tells me he's the children's entertainer and he's got his clown suit in a dry cleaner bag.
JERRY ZMUDA
I explained to the gruff Glaswegian that it was certainly not me that booked the children's entertainer. But it's the sort of thing Dermott might have done.
Dermott strolls over. Apparently he hadn't booked the clown either.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Scottish geezer not happy - saying he's turned down two bookings when he took this one. Wants his money. Out of the creepy shadows up pops Mr. Heyward. About to say Hullo - glad you can make it, when he's shouting at us “PAY THE CLOWN, PAY THE CLOWN” over and over. Gets a bit much, so after a while, Jerry the soft touch says to the clown “OK - I'll pay you half the money as a cancellation fee.”
MR. HEYWARD
Just as I planned it. The children’s entertainer won’t accept the cancellation fee. He wants all the money - They Must Pay The Clown.
JERRY ZMUDA
Eventually I succumbed. I'll write you out a cheque for one hundred fifty - now please go. But Dermott has other ideas.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Hang on. If we're paying a tonne and a half, I want to see our money's worth. You have to do your act. Clown bleating that it's an act for eight year olds. Don't fucking care, I know my bleedin' rights - if I'm paying for a clown act, I bloody well should get to see my clown. If not - I'm going to Watchdog.
JERRY ZMUDA
“But there are no kids!” Shouts the clown. “I can't do my act without any kids.” I could see Mr. Heyward was really enjoying this heated discussion. The clown then suggested a compromise - he had been working on a stand up routine aimed at adults, this could be his debut. Dermott said yes - “but an extra nifty says you did it in your clown outfit.” The clown gave an exasperated howl. He obviously needed the money.
PETER WYATT
So I have to stop the disco to let this clown in his full outfit get on the mic and do his stand-up routine. He remained deadpan throughout this routine, which was quite amusing. But apart from that, he barely raised a titter. People were just staring with puzzled looks.
JERRY ZMUDA
”Do you know what makes my blood boil? Temperatures of over one hundred degrees - that normally does it.” That was his opener. “My Dad's black - well he is now we cremated him.” Came next.
“I've got the body of a man half my age. I keep it in a chest underneath my bed, it's starting to smell.”
The clown does his ten minutes, hands the mic back to Peter and I give him his cheque. As the clown went to the toilet to take off his outfit, Mr. Heyward re-appears and says - 'THAT'S RIGHT - YOU PLAY THE CLOWN - NOW YOU HAVE TO PAY THE CLOWN!' Laughing like a maniac. Then I twigged - Mr. Heyward had booked the clown as some sort of revenge. I mention this to the clown as he comes out of his costume and he explodes with rage.
PETER WYATT
So I’m back DJing trying to lift the mood of the party, trying to get the crowd dancing. Then I see the clown head-butting the mad bloke with the beard. I dive over to break it up. The doorman pulls the clown out. I said to Jerry - “What the fuck is all that about?” “That's Karma,” he replied.
MR. HEYWARD
My work was done. I left the hall with a broken nose, but I had given those two something to think about. They, after all, were the ones who had to pay the clown.
JERRY ZMUDA
After the clown got ejected I noticed that Dermott was never far from the bar. He was juggling the pints, one in his right hand, one in his left hand, one in mid-air. Barely coming up for breath.
MR. DUNNE (Feltham School teacher)
Curiosity. Closure. I’m not sure what it was. But I felt compelled to go along to this re-union party. No-one had made a crack about me sounding like a sea-lion for well over a decade. Maybe it was that, that I was missing.
JERRY ZMUDA
Suddenly a whole bunch of kids appeared at the door, people I hadn't seen since the last day of Feltham.
It was weird seeing these old faces again. These faces now filled out and jowly. The ravages of time had really taken some of them to task.
It was extraordinary how Dermott remembered all the old wind-ups and catchphrases in minute detail. Feltham Football Club, turned into Fetham School Playground and Dermott was once again back in his element.
MR. DUNNE
I was getting loads of cracks about sounding like a sea-lion. Stuff about Fish. Stuff about my party piece being balancing a ball on my nose. It was re-assuring.
JERRY ZMUDA
I was delighted to see Sanjeev come through the door. Dermott told me that he had just moved into a spectacular new home. Dermott says to me - “Ask him about it - he just loves to talk about it.” So I did.
SANJEEV SRIDHARAN
I couldn’t believe what Jerry was saying to me. Did he think he was being funny? Well as far as I’m concerned he was just being nasty and pathetic. I didn’t need that shit - I bailed straight after.
JERRY ZMUDA
This trip down memory lane was making me feel quite odd, I headed for the bar.
PETER WYATT
This party wasn't going as I'd hoped. There was a strange atmosphere hanging over the hall. I needed to lift the mood. I played Barry White's Ecstasy When You Lay Down Next To Me - nothing doing. This is a job for Frank Collins.
FRANK COLLINS
Peter insisted on me doing Mule Train. I staunchly refused. I was sixty odd for pity’ sake - leave me with some feckin’ dignity. But Peter plied me with drinks and then handed me the beer tray. I ended up doing it.
PETER WYATT
MULE TRAIN! CLIPPETY CLOP! Franky boy rocked the house crashing that tea tray against his nut. Cheered everybody right up. Dermott's tugs at my shoulder he wants a go on the decks. But before he puts a record on, he grabs the mic.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I did a little speech, it went something like this.
“I'd like to thank Peter Wyatt who you all know, for organizing tonight. A top night well done. Peter's the sort of bloke who's always got a kind word for you, so considerate, so understanding. (Big Pause.) It gets on your bloody nerves sometimes. DON”T YOU JUST HATE PEOPLE WHO ARE ALWAYS SO BLEEDING NICE? Why can't he be a bastard like the rest of us once in a while?”
That got a bit of a laugh. Then I moved onto - “Jerry - my oldest friend. He became my friend because he laughed at all my jokes even the shit ones - not laughing so much now is he? He's very shy - especially when it comes to standing his round. He's the sort of bloke that when he buys you a pint - he'll take a sip out of yours before he gives it to you.”
That got a laugh. “Did I mention that he piped on the last day of school? And that he likes ELO?”
JERRY ZMUDA
Dermott's cheeky chappie act was all well and good for a young kid or a teenager, but for a 30 year old it was just too tragic boulevard. As we sat there listening to his little speech, laughing along, I made a big decision. Whatever lay in the future for me, Dermott was not going to be in it. I was going to cut him out of my life.
PETER WYATT
After the speech. The first record Dermott puts on is the 12” of the Real Thing's Can You Feel The Force. Excellent choice. The space travel intro really got the audience hooked. They're fidgeting around waiting for the record to kick in - and then just as it's about to go off…
JERRY ZMUDA
Dermott puts on the Birdie Song. This was met more with bemusement than amusement.
PETER WYATT
The Molesey Boys didn't find this too funny, they start chanting at Dermott - “Are you looking for a slap because you're giving it some of that.” Then this plastic chair flies through the air and hits Dermott's square on the bonce.
JERRY ZMUDA
Now that got a laugh. Dermott meanwhile is on the floor and his head is bleeding. He's not unconscious, but unsteady on his feet. All the time the Birdie Song is playing along its merry tune.
PETER WYATT
Dermott gets up with a big smile and puts on Chicory Tip and we danced like teapots, just like we used to. We started singing along going ‘Feltham Is Mine, Feltham Is Mine, Feltham Is Mine.’ Blood was pouring out Dermott's head and people were saying we'd better get you to Casualty, and Dermott was saying - “Yeah after the party.”
JERRY ZMUDA
Michelle had enough, and she left to get a taxi home. I told Peter, but he didn't seem to mind. He said something like -“Now I can break wind without worrying.” There was nothing else for it but to get steaming drunk and pretty soon I was singing ‘Feltham Is Mine’ with everyone else.
PETER WYATT
After all the crap - the strange atmosphere at the start, the head-butting clown, the chair in the air - it was all worth it. It gave me a warm feeling to see all my friends together after all this time. Here's to another thirty years.
DERMOTT COLLINS
At the end - everyone dancing - me on the table - shaking people's hands. Done a bean. Thinking we should do this regular. Jump down from the table and head off to the khazi. There's a geezer loitering in the shadows - cropped hair - craggy features. Stone me - it's fucking Cobra. Don't remember seeing his name on the invite list. Hope he's not going to try and ambush me in the toilets. He's looking desperate and grabs me arm - “You'd better get ready - Lord William is out.”
HIGH NOON IN HIGH WYCOMBE
FRANK COLLINS
Dermott was 30 and still living under my roof. But I don’t see anything wrong with that if you get on with your Old Man, as Dermott did with me. What’s so great about renting out some grot hole and lining the pockets of some sleazy landlord, or crippling yourself with a mortgage and getting into the black hole of negative equity? Nightmare.
Anyway one day I’m playing back the ansafone messages and in amongst all the usual hellos from friends I got this -
Lord William – “Still living with your dad – you loser. How old are you now? 30? We have some business to catch up on. Looking forward to it.”
I play the message back to Dermott and he turns as white as a sheet.
DERMOTT COLLINS
The hairs all over my body went Ping! Bricking it I was. There was no point going to the Old Bill - they'll only get involved when the deed's been done - and my cracked knee caps are somewhere over Shepperton rubbish dump. They wouldn't give me any protection. Only one person I can turn to in a moment like this.
PETER WYATT
Dermott came round my house and played me back Lord William's message. The guy was in big trouble and he knew it. He was even more scared than when he was facing prison. He was pacing around going - “let me hide here, let me hide here.”
MICHELLE WYATT
No way. No fucking way. We have a nine year old daughter and a four year old son living here. I am not having Lord Harry the Bastard and his henchmen turning up and torturing Dermott in front of them. I'm quite happy to have Dermott tortured, just make it well away from this house and my kids.
PETER WYATT
Dermott was saying - “I'll hide in the attic, he'll never find me there. I'll just stay up there until this all dies down.” I said - Dermott - you can't live up there like the bleedin' Diary of Anne Frank. He said – “Why not Anne Frank did?”
“Yeah but she got caught in the end.”
Eventually I agreed. Michelle was not happy - I lost my conjugal rights for a couple of months after that.
DERMOTT COLLINS
So I started living in Peter's attic, only ever coming down to use the toilet. Nice and cosy - had a portable TV and Peter would bring me sandwiches. Michelle refused to cook for me. I kept on getting woken up in the middle in the night by the starlings on the roof, then couldn't go back to kip for worrying about Lord William and his torture rack. Was I going to have to stay up in this attic forever?
FRANK COLLINS
I was worried out my wits, then a few days later this Lord William bloke comes a calling. He barged in demanding to know where Dermott is.
PETER WYATT
It was about a week later when Lord William came round.
He looked calm and business like but Lord William had a tight menacing smile.
“Hullo Peter - I wondered if you knew where Dermott is.”
I said No and immediately felt a twitch in my face. Did Lord William spot it?
“Listen Peter, he's run away from home and I know he's your closest friend. So I have every reason to believe you know where he is.”
“No No I don't.”
He tugs at my collar and pulls me towards him. We’re face to face, breathing all over me - “Where is he?”
“I don't know, I don't know. I've got a wife and two kids here.” I pleaded with him. Eventually he releases his grip. “Just tell him, he can't hide forever, and when I do track him down….” And he left it at that. Let my imagination think the worst. The door slammed shut and we were all too scared to do anything for hours.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I'd seen Lord William turn up in the drive and I made a dive up to the attic. I stayed up there for ages after he'd gone in case he came back any minute. It were about midnight when Peter put his nut through the attic trap door.
PETER WYATT
I felt horrible, violated after the visit. It reminded me of those men who came round looking for Dad and threatened Mum. Why do people do that sort of thing? I hate them for it. Then Cobra phoned. I told him I had no idea where Dermott was. Cobra is going - “Lord William ain't the Lord no more. He kept his house, but the law took all his dough. He ain't got the money to pay for any muscle. He's go no back-up.” This planted a seed - let's turn the table on this cunt.
MICHELLE WYATT
I had no idea that Peter was planning on visiting Lord William with Dermott. Dermott should go alone. What is the point of Peter putting himself in danger like that? There's being a friend, but this is insanity.
PETER WYATT
I remembered where Lord William lived in High Wycombe from that thank-you-for-not-grassing party. Ironic or what? So we drove over there on a sunny Saturday Afternoon. Dermott was swigging from this bottle of brandy to calm his nerves and dull any expected pain. He goes - “Peter what the fuck is going to happen when we get there?”
I tell him my plan - we get our point across, very firmly. We put the frighteners on Lord William - he's just one bloke. We explain to him that you grassed, not just to save your own skin, but the police were going to put your old man inside as well - fit him up. This is a lie of course, but just to explain that in the end Dermott had no choice but to grass.
Dermott starts squealing - “Let me out of the car, let me out the car.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
It was amazing we were driving to god-knows-what in High Wycombe. And we were both really calm - scared but really calm. I started - singing ‘Do Not Foresake Me, Oh my darling’ - you know the theme tune to High Noon. The tension was unbearable as we drove up his drive way - I remembered it from his 'thank-you-for-not-grassing' party. I immediately started imagining the pain I was going to feel - would it be worse than my Daffy Duck tattoo? I took another swig of my bottle of brandy and I nearly passed out then and there.
PETER WYATT
Something was strange. The gate was open. I drove up the gravel driveway up to the house, a real beautiful country cottage, like something out of Horse and Hound magazine. His Black Merc was outside. We get out and waited for someone to come out. I looked at each window, nobody seemed to be looking at us. I walked to the front door.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Got out the car and shouted “Clive McKnight - we're here - let's get this sorted out!” Been practising what I was going to say in the car, - “They were going to put me old man in stir - I had no choice.” The front door was open and Peter walks in. I thought it's a trap, they are going to jump him.
PETER WYATT
I walked into the living room, very plush, very expensively furnished. Classic furniture - that was his front, wasn't it? Antique furniture. And there was Lord William sat on his couch - sprawled out - not moving a muscle.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Peter came out, with a puzzled look on his face. He looks at me and starts laughing, but it's not a happy Monkey Time laugh. It's a nervous not-happy laugh. What? What? What is it?
“He's dead.” I walked in all shaky and saw his leg and then quickly looked up at his face – all run amok with claret.
PETER WYATT
It was really freaky seeing a dead body. For about ten minutes all I could do was laugh. What do we do now? We were going to go, and leave it at that. But someone might see us leave and think we did it. So I figured the right thing to do was to call the Old Bill. I went into the spare room and picked up the receiver by the edges, cos the killer might have left his prints on it. And I did it – I called the Old Bill.
DERMOTT COLLINS
As we were waiting for the Old Bill to come along I went back into the living room cos I never seen a real-life murder scene before, and I looked at the corpse and in Lord William's forehead was a big black bolt sticking out. A big black bolt exactly like the type you would find on a cross-bow.
PETER WYATT
I was so shaken, I drunk the other half of the bottle of brandy that Dermott had. By the time the police showed I was too drunk to drive, but I was able to give a statement. And I just told them everything - that Dermott was a grass, and that we had come to deal with it. I didn't say anything about who I thought might have done it.
DERMOTT COLLINS
The police took our statements but the car had to stay where it was for forensics and that. We walked into the village and got drunk as Lords.
I hate to say it, but we were happy he was dead. Am I going to hell? Not yet, not yet.
I did a couple of toasts for Cobra and start singing ‘The Things We Do For Love.’
PETER WYATT
So we spent Saturday night getting pissed up in a country pub outside High Wycombe. The barmaid asked why were celebrating and I told him the story about Lord William and how he had just been murdered, and Dermott here had got a let off. She didn't believe us at first but then she got upset because she knew who Lord William was, and thought he was a good bloke.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Cobra saved me from God knows what. While I knew it was him, I would have never grassed him up. But the forensic trail had lead to him. He'd left his dabs all over the cross-bow bolt. Doh!
JERRY ZMUDA
I was genuinely moved by what Cobra did for Dermott, he had truly shown his love for him. Peter would always say to me - “You're Dermott's greatest friend,” but I would never have killed a notorious gangster and served a life sentence for him.
DERMOTT COLLINS
So I go and visit Cobra on remand. I felt it was the least I could do. He's done a guilty plea so he's likely to be away for some time. Fingers crossed. Seeing him sat there - different - all peaceful.
Talking about how he did it, and he was proud of it, excited about what he done.
Acting it out for me. I was laughing along with him. He was gutted because he remembered to take out the CCTV, to wear gloves, but totally forgotten about the prints he left on the bolts when he was loading at home. “Shame” - he said “I would like to have been a hit man full time. The cross bow could have been my thing.”
There was a silence and then I asked him why he did it. “He was going to cut you up badly - scar your face for life. I couldn't let that happen.” Another silence and then he goes. “I love you Dermott - I will always love you.”
I told him I loved him back. Had to, I mean he's looking at 20 years of bird because of something he did for me, least I could do was make him feel good about it.
Just hope they weren't going to grant him any of them conjugal visits.
EXPRESS YOURSELF - DON’T REPRESS YOURSELF
PETER WYATT
So the unholy trinity are past 30, and I'm the only one out of us three that's married. Now most people are married by the time they're 30. So why hadn't Dermott and Jerry? In fact neither of them had even had girlfriends for a while. It got me thinking.
JERRY ZMUDA
So I'm talking to Peter on the phone. I'm my usual introspective whingeing self, which I have to confess had become my trademark in those days.
Then Peter says to me - “You know if you and Dermott were to come out...”
“Come out what do you mean?”
“Come out - you know if you two were gay. I'd be alright about it.”
“Well thanks Peter - but I'm straight.”
“You know maybe that's why - you're like - you know - a bit off with him - because...”
“Because?”
“Because you haven't come to terms with...”
“Come to terms with what?”
“That you love each other.”
I laughed so much I ached.
PETER WYATT
I wanted him and Dermott to know that if they are gay, I was totally fine about it. In fact I'd rather they came out in the open, than keep it repressed.
JERRY ZMUDA
I am an open-minded guy, I hate homophobia but I am not gay. Being the reflective type I've mulled over my sexuality - but I know what gets my blood flowing. I know what I fantasize about. What I see inside my head when I have my regular-like clockwork early morning erections. And it's all female. I can't speak for Dermott though...
PETER WYATT
Of course yer worries don't end when you get married. A whole new gateway of stress opens up. I tried to win over Michelle with flowers, which ain't easy for me because I'm allergic to them. She smiles, while I sneeze my head off, but she's still off with me.
What troubled me about our marriage was that I couldn't be myself with her. I couldn't tell her about the trauma of seeing my first corpse as a fireman. Lord William was the first corpse I ever saw. I thought – good, this would prepare for my first corpse as a fireman - now I wouldn't find it so upsetting.
But I was wrong. Seeing my first corpse as a fireman was one the most upsetting things ever in my life. This time there was no nervous laughter - I just felt destroyed by it. To see a human body, charred and disfigured, their face coming away from their skull, to see the positioning of the body showing how they tried to escape. To die in a fire must be one of the worst ways to die. I cried - I admit I cried. And even after I cried, I was still upset. Part of it was because I felt I had let them down. I was a fireman and I am supposed to stop this from happening. Of course there was nothing me or the other firemen could have done. The house was fully ablaze by the time we got there , but you still felt that sense of failure.
I was still shaken from it when I finished my shift. I thought I can't let Michelle see me like this - she'll think I'm weak and pathetic. But I had to talk to someone, the other guys on the shift were shooting off. So I called Dermott and Jerry - and met them in a pub.
JERRY ZMUDA
This time it was Peter's turn to call me out of the blue. It was a Monday afternoon, he insisted we meet up for a drink.
I'd never seen Peter so shaken up before. He talked about it, and when he finished he talked about it again. I felt privileged that he chose me as a close enough friend he could talk to.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Thought a joke was in order. I said – “You need to relax - have a cup of char” - you know char as in burn.
But Peter was having none of it.
JERRY ZMUDA
Dermott jokes through trauma therapy was not working. Peter just wanted someone to listen.
But what I found alarming was that Peter felt he couldn't talk to his wife about it. If I had met THE ONE - the love of my life, I would hope that I could talk about something that was distressing me like this.
PETER WYATT
I used to think that all these precautions, all these drills, all these rules and regulations, were just something you did - like for the sake of it. Now I realized they were vital, it was to stop this from happening.
MICHELLE WYATT
Peter would often come in from his shift with nothing to say to me. He never talked much about his job at the fire brigade. I once said jokingly that all he did all day was play snooker with the lads and this really annoyed him.
PETER WYATT
That is a fucking myth. FIREMEN DO NOT SPEND ALL DAY DOWN THE STATION PLAYING SNOOKER. There's a darts board as well. No - seriously. Firemen do loads of things while they're on stand-by. Checking and double checking the equipment, doing drills, keeping fit. It's like being a top class goalkeeper - you go for ages with nothing to do, but when you're called into action you've got to be like a tightly coiled spring.
CALVIN BETTERIDGE (Surrey Fireman)
I never once encountered full blown racism in the fire brigade. Just sometimes it was - you know - patronizing - stupid comments about smoking ganja - or silly Chalkie voices. It got worse when they had a couple of drinks down the pub - and that’s why I stopped going with them after a while. But Peter was different, he just talked openly about stuff. He talked to me like I was person, not like he was thinking at the back of his mind he was talking to a black person. We talked a lot about sport, music, pretty soon we were lending each other CDs, joking about our family life, getting on like a house on fire - if you’ll pardon the expression. He was someone I would happily go for a drink with.
PETER WYATT
Calvin or Betty or Black Betty became my buddy at the fire station. He became the guy I could talk about things. And I really needed that.
CALVIN BETTERIDGE
After a shift Peter wanted to have a chat, we go to a place where none of the others would go - and Peter opens up to me about the problems he’s having at home.
PETER WYATT
I told him Michelle has lost any respect for me, she doesn't take any interest in me. I try and chat to her - try and cheer her up, and I get nothing but a cold shoulder.
CALVIN BETTERIDGE
Look - are you still having regular sex? “Yes.” With each other? “Yes.” YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY MARITAL PROBLEMS. You’ve described every marriage that’s normal. I tell him that there’s nothing wrong. Every marriage goes through something like this. He says - “I want us to be happier than this.”
PETER WYATT
I wanted our marriage to be special. I can't go on like this. I have to do something to win her back.
WHITE CHRISTMAS
JERRY ZMUDA
In an attempt to lift my spirits I put up Christmas decorations in my squalid bedsit. Instead the whole exercise had actually made me feel worse. Then Mother phones, asking me what my plans were for Christmas. I said not much - she said “Well OK then, I suppose you may as well spend it with us.” Thanks Mother - that makes me feel very welcome.
I had always wanted to go home as the local boy made good. But instead I was the local boy made mediocre.
So it was Christmas Eve night - and I was sitting in my old bedroom, looking at that stained carpet, giving me unpleasant flash-backs. So I called Peter for one of my chats. He was busy preparing for Christmas Day for his kids. It rubbed in how empty things were for me.
PETER WYATT
I said – “Well you should call Dermott. He'll be out on Christmas Eve, in one of the pubs round Sunbury or Walton. You'll catch him if you call now.”
JERRY ZMUDA
A night alone feeling sorry for myself seemed preferable than a night of predictable and tired wind-ups from Dermott. But in a bout of desperation I found myself picking up the phone and calling him – “fancy a beer?”
I arrange to meet Dermott in a pub. It's one by the river where a loads of young ones hang out. Waiting for Dermott I get talking to a guy named Ferdy who was a Donkey Planet regular. “No you can't have a refund!” I said to him, and we both laughed.
Anyway Dermott's now fifteen minutes late and I ask Ferdy if he knows anybody who can sort me out with some charlie. Just to stop me from drinking too much - only reason. I was worried about getting a beer gut. Ferdy says he will put the call out and goes to the pay phone.
“The dealer is on his way.” I get talking to some more people and eventually the door swings open, the howling wind blows in and with it struts Dermott. He gives me a manly hug and my misgivings melted. Very soon we start chatting away. Ferdy walks past and I say to him –
“Has your man showed up yet?”
“You're talking to him.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
So what's with a bit of dealing? It was only to people I knew in pubs. Jerry was all taken aback that the dealer he was waiting for turned out to be me.
JERRY ZMUDA
Dermott had given us all his word that he had stopped dealing. To the judge, to Peter, to me, to his father, everybody. Cobra had saved his skin, and now he was at it again, dealing out wraps in a pub in Sunbury. I was disgusted - disgusted.
And the quality of the cocaine wasn't good either - more speed than charlie. I got terrible shrinkage afterwards.
DERMOTT COLLINS
So the award for BIGGEST HYPOCRITE OF THE YEAR goes to - Jerry Zmuda - regaining his crown. If people like him didn't buy drugs there'd be no drug dealers. And the quality of my charlie is safe. By the time it reaches the pub in Sunbury it's just stepped on a few more times than when you buy it up the West End. And I never got shrinkage from my stuff. Mind you, when you've got one as big as mine, you're not going to miss an inch or two.
JERRY ZMUDA
I didn't start a scene, I didn't make a big deal out of it. I expressed my concern at the time. The night progressed and I saw Dermott get more and more out of it.
You can tell a lot about a man by what they choose to talk about when they’ve knocked back several pints. With Dermott it was – Man About The House, St. Petersburg, Don’t be A Lionel - the same old catchphrases, same old digs at me - and still knocking out drugs. I remembered my statement to myself at the 30th party. This time I decided firmly that I was going to cut him out of my life. I didn't want to see Dermott any more, because when I do, I see my own inertia, my own failure.
SMIKE - NO STRAIGHT JACKET REQUIRED
JERRY ZMUDA
1995 became a watershed year for me. Why? Because I spent more money on books than on drugs. The first book I read in seven years was by Charles Dickens, his most popular and personal favourite - David Copperfield. I gulped when I picked up the book and felt it’s thickness. But I was determined to get stuck in. I found it difficult at first, reading slowly, reaching for the dictionary every couple of paragraphs. But it was rewarding. After a couple of weeks of devoted reading - turning off the TV - no other distractions, I felt a satisfied enriched glow.
PETER WYATT
Smike called me out of the blue one day. What a welcome blast from the past. Smike had moved out to Thailand and had started making himself a bit of money selling bootleg CDs. He told me that Phil Collins was big in Thailand and he had made a bunch of money out of him. But some Triad gang had been closing in on Smike's CD bootlegging activities, so he had left the country for a couple of months, to wait for it to die down. But I should have noticed something was not quite right with Smike - we'd been on the phone for nearly half an hour and all he seemed to want to talk about was Phil Collins.
JERRY ZMUDA
I needed someone I could talk to about my new-found intellectualism and Smike was always an avid reader, and someone you could talk to about the deeper things in life. He had his own unique way of seeing the world. He would talk about the counter-culture, of a different way of living. So I was delighted when I heard he was back in the country. I gave him a call and suggested meeting up over a Pizza.
PETER WYATT
I couldn't make it that night. I would have loved to have to seen it first hand. But at the same time, it was also quite heart-breaking.
JERRY ZMUDA
Smike looked different when I met him at the pub in Soho. He was wearing a suit. It didn't look right, long-haired Smike in a suit with rolled up sleeves – eighties style. He explained that he'd been to a job interview. I said how did it go? He replied with - “If I get it - it will be Against All Odds.” We strolled over to the Pizza Express in Soho Square and I couldn't help noticing that Smike seem inordinately obsessed with Phil Collins. “He's a working class guy like us - made good.” “He's such a versatile entertainer.” I said to him jokingly - it sounds like you should start up a religion based around Phil Collins. He seemed to consider this seriously “That's not a bad idea!” Was this a prank?
PETER WYATT
Of all the things in life to get obsessed about - why choose Phil Collins? Was it because he'd made a bunch of money selling his CDs? Did he feel it coming in the air tonight? Why Phil Collins?
JERRY ZMUDA
So we sit down at the Pizza Express and I ask him if he's missing Thailand. He says of course, he can't get into the groove of Western living. I nodded empathetically just grateful we'd got off the subject of Phil Collins. He says he can't get used to wearing trousers. So what do you wear in Thailand then? “Robes, nice loose fitting robes.”
“Yeah you couldn't go round London dressed in a robe.”
“Why not? What’s this conspiracy to keep all men's genitals tightly covered in cloth? What are they scared of?” He was getting quite angry about this, and I found it all very unsettling.
PETER WYATT
This is the bit I wished I'd seen. So Smike stands up and takes off his trousers in front of everyone in the restaurant, giving a big huff of relief when he pulls them off.
JERRY ZMUDA
The Italian owner comes over - “Signore - Signore you must putta da trousers on.” Smike stares back at him, with this weird look on his face, grinding his teeth –
“They were rubbing against my nuts.”
“I don't care Signore aboutta your nuts you putta da trousers back on, or I calla da police.”
PETER WYATT
Smike wouldn't put them back on, and then he tried to get Jerry to join his anti-trousers demonstration.
JERRY ZMUDA
I obviously was not going to take my trousers off in front of a crowd of people, my underpants were at least two days without a wash. Smike accused me of a being a Tory, which upset me a bit. It also confused me, because I thought that Phil Collins was a Tory. But still my trousers remained firmly on. The Italian manager tried to push Smike out of the restaurant. Smike pushed him away - shouting “Think Twice - This Is Not Another Day In Paradise.” A policeman arrived and dragged him away. And that's the last I saw of my friend Smike.
PETER WYATT
Nobody pressed any charges against Smike, it was clear the poor chap needed help.
The next thing I heard, his parents got him sectioned under the Mental Health Act. The men in white coats came to their house and dragged him away. He was shouting “NO JACKET REQUIRED” over and over again.
JERRY ZMUDA
This was a cruel break. Smike was my MCA baseball cap of hope. My long-standing friend that I could talk to about things in a mature and intelligent way. Who else could I talk to now?
PARIS MATCH – THE MATCH THAT LIGHTED MY FIRE
PETER WYATT
Of course the real reason I became a firefighter was to be a hero. To save someone's life and be appreciated. After doing it for eighteen months, I did my fair share of rescuing and playing my part. But I was I still waiting for my BIG ONE. The big rescue that marks you out as a real life-saver.
CALVIN BETTERIDGE
A toaster had caught fire at an old people’s home. One of the residents made the fatal mistake of throwing water over it - ON AN ELECTRICAL FIRE! Their stupidity was rewarded by an electric shock, and the fire spread. By the time we got there the place was being eaten up by flames. A lot of those old people weren’t too good on their feet and they were really slow in coming out. It was terrifying, we were dragging them out as quickly as we could. The officer in charge goes to the one of the staff - “Is that all of them?” But the man just couldn’t answer. So Peter dashes back into the house of flames.
PETER WYATT
I felt no fear, I just kept thinking - this is my big chance. I checked every room, one by one, the roof is creaking above me, ready to cave in at any second. I dash into the TV room and there's an empty wheel chair. I crane my neck and next to it is a body slumped on the ground. I lift him up and make a dash to the door. I can hear the roof starting to give way.
CALVIN BETTERIDGE
And out he came, with this old man on his shoulder right then as the flames took over and the house fell apart. If Peter had been in that house 30 seconds later he surely would have died. The man he saved must have been 80 - and he was barely conscious, but when he came to he insisted on knowing the name of the man who saved him.
PETER WYATT
The man sent me a letter. It was beautiful. The final sentence goes something like “I may not have long left on this earth, but I appreciate life all the more now. Drop by for a cup of tea sometime. I would offer you some toast, but I don't want to take any chances!”
NOW MICHELLE HAD TO SEE THIS LETTER! So I left it lying on the couch in the living room. Michelle finds it and picks up it and gives to me without reading it. So not to be beaten, I leave it on the bed-room table, right by the mirror where she does her make-up. Same thing - ”Is this yours?” Not even looking at it. So next, I leave it on the dining room table - she picks it up, about to throw it in the bin. I shout at her “READ IT! FUCKING READ IT!”
MICHELLE WYATT
So I read the letter and said – “That's nice darling are you going to drop by for a cup of tea?” He went all red-faced and snatched the letter out of my hand.
CALVIN BETTERIDGE
I wanted to help Peter with his campaign to save his marriage. So one day at the station I was watching TV and there’s this thing about the Channel Tunnel that’s just opened. I said to Peter – “why not take the missus on a trip to Paris on the Eurostar?”
PETER WYATT
Genius! GENIUS! Paris - the city of romance! This will make her fall in love with me all over again. So I decided to make it a big surprise for her birthday.
MICHELLE WYATT
I wake up on the morning of my Birthday and Peter hands me a card with some flowers. After he stopped sneezing, I open up the card and there's two tickets in there. It was very sweet of him, but I couldn't go. I'd already arranged to have a big girl's night out in Kingston.
PETER WYATT
WHAT? She would rather go out on the piss in Kingston with a bunch of ropey old dogs than go to Paris with me?
MICHELLE WYATT
It wasn't that - it was that this had been arranged in advance - the table, the entertainment, probably a stripper. I suggested Peter still going to Paris, but with Dermott or Jerry. He didn't like this at all.
PETER WYATT
There was no point having the tickets go to waste, so I call Dermott up and ask him if he fancies going to Paris with Jerry.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Going to Paris with Jerry - and the train leaves in two hours? Not ‘Arf! I hadn't been abroad since Ibiza. Let me grab my passport.
JERRY ZMUDA
Peter calls me, saying he's got two tickets to Paris on the Eurostar for today. Do I fancy going with Dermott? Sharing a honeymoon suite, sleeping in the same bed like Laurel & Hardy. I didn't have to think about that one too hard.
DERMOTT COLLINS
With Jerry refusing to go to Paris with me, Peter was asking me to call Jerry up and sweet talk him into it. Then me old man walked in.
FRANK COLLINS
So in the end it was me and Dermott that went to Paris on the Eurostar. We had a great time. And it was nice to spend some time away with my youngest son. We went to see Paris St. Germain and saw David Ginola play a blinder - I tipped him to do well. Then we did a bistro crawl and knocked back beacoup du vin and one or two Courvosiers. The next morning - the hotel served us breakfast in bed with a glass of champagne and a bouquet of flowers. That made me feel sad, sad for the two people that this week-end was supposed to be for. Why weren't they having this romantic week-end together?
JERRY, IT WAS REALLY NOTHING
JERRY ZMUDA
Peter says nothing happens unless you make it happen. But that’s not always the case.
LYDIA DANCEY
Right! I know you're going to ring out the square alert, but I took my first ecstasy tablet sometime in the mid 90s - and yes it was at a dinner party held by a colleague at the BBC. By now most people in Britain had tried it and I was at the tail end. In my trancey state I started thinking sweet thoughts about Jerry. He was right about all of this after all.
JERRY ZMUDA
I was sitting, or more like wallowing in my bedsit one Saturday afternoon, making myself listen to Radio 4 when the landlady told me there was call for me. It was Lydia - “Fancy meeting up?” This I could not have predicted.
LYDIA DANCEY
It's not that I'd been playing the field or anything, but I'd been with arrogant men, shallow men, boring men, inadequate men - and, I had reached the conclusion that Jerry was not that bad. He was sweet - rather immature, too self-conscious, but generally a good spirit. And, like I said before, there is always a special place in your heart for your first love. I found that my memories of him were now tinged with fondness.
JERRY ZMUDA
Lydia just wants to meet up. Don't read anything into it. I wanted to come across successful and going places - but of course I wasn't. But I wasn't going to lie or put on some act. This is me - take it or leave it.
LYDIA DANCEY
We met at the Coal Hole on the Strand, and Jerry seemed much more relaxed and easy going than before.
JERRY ZMUDA
I was expecting any moment for Lydia to say to me - “Well it's been so nice to see you again, I've got to go.” Peck on the cheek, and off into the night. But she kept ordering more wine, and I had to stand my round. I told her about my ambition to move out of sales and into journalism. Which, to be honest, was an ambition I made up on the spot, but she seemed to approve of this.
LYDIA DANCEY
We then went onto a pub that had a jukebox and Jerry was dancing around. That's what I liked about him, none of my recent boyfriends ever danced. They just sat there like lumps and droned on about themselves.
JERRY ZMUDA
So the eleven o'clock bell came too soon. Chucking out time. Lydia was heading to Raynes Park via Waterloo - and me, I had my trip up to bedsit land on the Jubilee Line. Lydia kisses me on the lips - and says to me - “Follow your Dream.”
LYDIA DANCEY
I begin my walk over Waterloo Bridge and Jerry is walking behind me. I say to him “What are you doing - your tube station is that way.”
“I'm following my dream - You!”
So we walk over Waterloo Bridge hand in hand, taking in the glimmering city lights shining at us. It was the perfect moment to kiss me - and he did. We looked out over the bridge and London wasn't a cold and lonely place anymore.
JERRY ZMUDA
I was so drunk, I told Lydia as we walked over the bridge that I often masturbated over her. How I used to re-enact our finest moments in my mind. She blushed and clamped her hands over my mouth - “Too much information.” I found myself getting the train back with her. Before long we were re-enacting our finest moments for real.
I woke up the next morning in Lydia's flat. It was tastefully furnished, not all studenty and bedsitty like my humble abode. I said to her - “You realise you're place is so nice, I couldn't possibly invite you back to mine.”
LYDIA DANCEY
From there Jerry was round mine pretty much most of the time. I introduced him to all my friends, and there was no friction, no resentment, none of the bitterness I associated with the Jerry of old. I was tired of being alone, sick of nights out, getting drunk with my female friends and waiting for some drunken fool to chat me up.
JERRY ZMUDA
I started thinking - Could Lydia be THE ONE? I come up with my five point criteria of who THE ONE would be -
•Someone I can have fun with
•Someone I can feel relaxed with
•Someone I can share my innermost feelings with
•Someone I look forward to seeing every time
•Someone I want to spend my future with
LYDIA DANCEY
London is an expensive place to live, it might even be the most expensive place to live. It occurred to me that if Jerry moved in, contributed to the mortgage, the bills, the groceries - this would take a lot of financial pressure off of me.
JERRY ZMUDA
Within a month or so of our get together. Lydia suggested moving in. My initial thoughts where - Hey! Wait a minute. But then it made perfect sense. Moving out my bedsit was a liberating experience. Not in the least dampened by the landlady stiffing me on my deposit. Raskolnikov was right! Kill your landlady! No remorse. I threw out my stash of porno mags and gave all my videos to Oxfam. I was delighted when moving the sofa, a white cali dropped out. Lydia and I went half’s, and we had blissful first night of living together.
The next day she threw a “Welcome to Jerry” party for all her friends. She suggested I invited my friends - but I didn't. I didn't want this spoilt, I was in a New World.
LYDIA DANCEY
These were wonderful times, all of a sudden my bank balance looked much healthier with Jerry's contribution. I now had a much bigger disposable income - a nice feeling. Then Jerry tells me he's bought two tickets on the Eurostar to Paris - he's paying. This was almost too good to be true.
JERRY ZMUDA
And it was in a restaurant in Montmartre that I popped the question. I was just going with the flow - it seemed like the right thing to do.
LYDIA DANCEY
I said Yes - and I came back to work dancing on air. The girls at work asked to see the ring.
What ring?
The engagement ring.
I felt that I'd been conned. Nina explained that the man is supposed to spend a month and a half of his salary on an engagement ring.
JERRY ZMUDA
A month and a half? Are you joking? Am I supposed to live on nothing but unconditional love for six weeks?
LYDIA DANCEY
It was a work colleague who said that month and a half salary rule thing - not me. I just wanted an engagement ring.
PETER WYATT
Jerry calls to tell me he's got engaged. I gave a loud cheer and shouted over to tell Michelle, then I said –
“How's Dermott taken it?”
“Nothing. I haven't told him, and I won't be telling him either.”
“Isn't he going to be your best man?”
Jerry just laughed.
JERRY ZMUDA
I hadn't spoken to Dermott since the Christmas drug incident. Somehow he had got my number at Lydia's, Peter must have given it to him, and he kept calling again and again - leaving messages. “What are you up to?” “I'm up in London this week-end - fancy going to this or that? “
But I never picked up the phone and I never called back. This is was all part of my cutting Dermott out of my life. Now I was with Lydia I didn't want to go back - to that “who's holding?' “Sort me out with a parcel” world. It wasn't me any more - it never really was.
PETER WYATT
So Dermott's phones me up one evening, he's very upset. Jerry has spent all year blanking him, never calling him back, ever since Christmas. I said to him “let me speak to this rascal.”
JERRY ZMUDA
Then I get an ansafone message from Peter, he sounded very serious and he demanded I call him back immediately, I thought something terrible had happened. As I dialled I was thinking which of my suits was most suitable for a funeral.
Peter was very stern saying - “What's going on? Why are you blanking your oldest friend? Who do you think you are?” I tried to explain my position. I wasn't trying to be superior - I just wanted to move on. Lydia was in my life now, and I didn't want Dermott coming round, getting drunk and making snidey comments about her looking like a horse. I said to him – “You did the same when you married Michelle.”
PETER WYATT
I fucking didn't. When I married Michelle, when I had my kids - I still found time for my friends. Even if Michelle didn't approve, I still always stayed in constant contact with them two.
JERRY ZMUDA
It wasn't even personal against Dermott. I just needed to stay well away from the alcohol and drugs - and criminal types.
PETER WYATT
I said to him - don't you understand? DERMOTT NEEDS YOU TO KEEP HIM AWAY FROM THE ALCOHOL, DRUGS AND CRIMINAL TYPES. You're just about the only one who can do it. He listens to you, he respects you.
JERRY ZMUDA
Don't be silly - he doesn't respect me. Our friendship is a classic example of familiarity breeds contempt. He would never, I mean never take any advice from me.
PETER WYATT
We were on the phone for hours - eventually he said he had to go because Lydia had come in. He put the phone down and I was in the foulest mood I'd been in for years.
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