Part 6 (B) DONKEY PLANET 1989
l THE RAY OF SUNSHINE BASSLINE
l HIT THE NORTH
l DONKEY PLANET IN THE CLINK
l FEAR OF A DONKEY PLANET
l HULLO LYDIA - REMEMBER ME
l JERRY DOES HIS CAINE FROM KUNG FU BIT
l COBRA COMES OUT
THE RAY OF SUNSHINE BASSLINE
PETER WYATT
There’s this song by Wham about waking up in the morning and hearing a bass-line. And that kept happening to me. The sun rays poking through the curtains, I look over at my beautiful wife and a brand new bassline is running through my head. I strapped on my bass and tried to recreate it.
THE BIG LOG
I was delighted to get a call from Peter. So glad they hadn’t given up music. Their second demo was still among the best things I’d ever produced. The boys turned up and I was excited – yes, I admit, actually excited. They bring their equipment in and I said to Dermott - “Where’s your guitar?”
DERMOTT COLLINS
Gathering dust in the attic. Hadn’t picked it up since Septimus Grundy split.
THE BIG LOG
I said to – “Peter what about a drum kit?” And he brings out a battered grey box – he says “That’s our drum machine.” I said – “I hope you know what you’re doing.”
OLIVER MACINTOSH
I didn’t turn up that day. Just couldn’t handle Dermott.
PETER WYATT
I laid it on the Logster – “We are going to build a track based on this bassline.”
THE BIG LOG
I said – “Let’s hear it then.” He straps on his bass – full of confidence – big grin and starts plucking. After a couple of minutes I said “That’s great, great bass line. Except it’s the same bass line, note for note, as the theme tune from GhostBusters.”
PETER WYATT
I looked down at my bass, my stupid fat fingers, I stopped playing. I felt sick to my stomach. Dermott starts cackling manically which didn't help.
DERMOTT COLLINS
It was a killer bass line and no mistake – just a shame that Ray Parker Junior got there first. ‘I ain’t scared of no ghosts.’
JERRY ZMUDA
I said – “Come on we're in the studio now, we may as well use the time productively and make up a track spontaneously.” Then Dermott said he had some ideas.
DERMOTT COLLINS
That’s right I surely did. I wanted to build a track around this drum pattern – quite slow pounding 98 bpm – building to this totally mad sound.
THE BIG LOG
So now I knew what the boys from Septimus Grundy had been doing in the last few years – copious amounts of drugs. I said to the boys – “Look I don’t know what you’re trying to achieve. I don’t understand this music, I am a rock’n’roll man. But I’ll engineer this for you and you’re just going have to tell me what you need.”
PETER WYATT
After a couple of hours - the track was complete. We also recorded the Ghostbusters bass line with the drum machine and decided we'd put it on the b-side.
JERRY ZMUDA
We played it back - it sounded odd, unconventional, like a drain laughing. It had a claustrophobic feel - like a bass line trapped in a box with only a drum machine for company. We tried to be positive - maybe we've accidentally discovered a new sound with a ground breaking record.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I was trying to recreate that big sax sound from the Heat Is On, but we didn’t have a sax. So we recreated it on a keyboard. But it just didn’t sound the same. More like an elephant farting.
JERRY ZMUDA
We put in some house piano, only none of us could play that either. Dermott had a go and he just ended up sounding like Les Dawson.
DERMOTT COLLINS
You couldn’t compare it to nothing else.
THE BIG LOG
You couldn’t compare to anything else, because nothing else sounded as shit as this.
I said to them – “Don’t take offence lads but please don’t put my name on this record.”
PETER WYATT
We pressed a hundred white labels. Calling it THE HEAT IS PUT ON CIRCUIT by DONKEY PLANET. The B Side was called I AIN'T SCARED OF NO BASS-LINES.
JERRY ZMUDA
We had a strategy - the track was too off the wall and dark for Rampling - but there was a young DJ on the scene - getting influential who liked the darker side - his name was Andrew Weatherall. With my E fuelled confident outlook, I collared him at Valbonne in Maidnehead one Sunday night. I handed him a white label and launched into a big spiel, and he seemed very receptive. If Weatherall made it part of his set - we'd be hip - and quite literally laughing.
PETER WYATT
In the week me and Dermott took a batch of white labels down to a record store. Bluebird I think it was. I said - “Wait till you hear this - this is the future of dance music.“ The guy puts it on, and after about a minute he starts laughing uncontrollably. When he managed to finally speak he said - “I should have known this was a wind up - coming from him.” And he's pointing at Dermott.
DERMOTT COLLINS
We were so ashamed we had to pretend that the record really was a wind up.
JERRY ZMUDA
Two days later I get a call from Weatherall. He says - “It's a bit fucking early for April fools.” We had become the Ed Wood of the dance music scene.
DERMOTT COLLINS
The first time ever I didn’t like people laughing. We put the rest of the white labels in a box in Peter’s attic and they never saw the light of day again. I stuck to what I was good at that – the friendly neighbourhood E dealer – serving up the pukka gear. Lord William was putting top grade stuff my way at a time when some of the stuff going around was real moody.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
I am a very proud owner of the very limited white label THE HEAT IS PUT ON CIRCUIT by DONKEY PLANET. I always smile when I think of that track. If they’d marketed it right – the record could have taken off. Like – play this track when you’ve got loads of unwanted guests round your house and you want them to leave. It was as if they deliberately wanted to sound shit. Officially the worst dance music track known to man.
JERRY ZMUDA
We had to come back with a victory - do another Donkey Planet party. But this time make it exceptional. Dermott had come up with a slogan for the next one.
DERMOTT COLLINS
It ain’t Pony - It’s a Donkey!
HIT THE NORTH
PETER WYATT
Saturday afternoons was my relaxation time. Michelle takes Abby to see her folks, and I would clean the cab, listening to the half-time results on the radio, or maybe sling on me George Benson tape. No trouble and strife - no screaming kids. All peaceful. But this Saturday afternoon, I found myself driving my cab up the M1 to a place called the Hacienda.
JERRY ZMUDA
For the next Donkey Planet, we needed to do some research. What are the essential elements of a good party? The Music, The Crowd, The Energy. Where does that energy come from? Just the drugs? People were talking about the Manchester scene - the Happy Monday, 808 State, A Guy Called Gerald and the club where it all happened - The Hacienda.
DERMOTT COLLINS
So we went round Peter’s one Saturday afternoon. I said “Come geez – you’re taking us for a drive up north.” Peter’s wasn’t up for it at first. I said – “Remember the spirit of Southampton.”
PETER WYATT
I got talked into it. Half up the M1, I start thinking - I shouldn't be doing this, what am I going to tell Michelle? Where the fuck is the Hacienda anyway?
DERMOTT COLLINS
I had a bagful of Es. I told him once I’d sold them, I’d wedge him in with some cash, and he can show it to Michelle and tell her that it was from his fairs.
PETER WYATT
We get to Manchester, driving around - roundabout after roundabout - grey building after grey building. We stop in a pub to ask for directions. Jerry plucks up the courage to approach some local lads at a table.
JERRY ZMUDA
“Excuse me - do you know the way to the Hacienda?”
Prolonged tense silence. Then -
“What was that you southern gobshite?”
“Errr, I was asking directions to the Hacienda.”
The man stands up. “Why the fuck would a southern gobshite want to go there?”
I stammered something pathetic like – “I hear it's quite good.”
He reached over and grabbed my lapels.
“You turn left out of here. Follow the signs for Manchester City Centre and Deansgate. You join Deansgate from the south, turn left into Whitworth Street and proceed straight on. You can't miss it.”
He beams at me and sent us on our way.
PETER WYATT
At the Hac, as soon as you get past the moody bouncers, the energy of the place hits you. It was ten o'clock, and people were already going mental on the stage. So we immediately all got on one and joined them.
JERRY ZMUDA
I loved the Factory Records décor, the warehouse feel, the steel girders neatly painted in stripes. Normally clubs this size were owned by Mecca and turned into meat markets, playing nothing but chart fodder. But this was how a club should be. Underground, dangerous and wild.
DERMOTT COLLINS
The only time I’d ever been up north before was to see The Jam play in Leeds. Then everybody hated you as soon as you opened your mouth. You’d go to the bar order a Sherbert – and everyone’s behind muttering “He’s a Cockney London bastard – we hate him.” But here at the Hac nobody hated us. When they heard my accent, they were actually made up that we’d come all the way from London to visit their club.
PETER WYATT
I told Dermott not to sell the Es until he knows it's safe. We didn't want to tackle any rival firms so far away from home.
JERRY ZMUDA
The scene was just over a year old in London, and already people were declaring it to be over, and that there were too many ‘teds’ about. It made you self-conscious about enjoying yourself. But here in Manchester everyone was going for it.
PETER WYATT
The music was loud - loud - loud but throughout you could hear the crowd underneath - shouting -screaming - laughing - cheering. Beautiful. At one point the DJ turned the music right down so you could barely hear it, and he let the sound of the crowd fill the hall. The DJ stood there with his arms in the air. Beautiful - just beautiful.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Those air-horns blaring away. Like a European football match. If you tried that in London – you’d get branded an instant Ted.
PETER WYATT
That night down the Hac was pukka – but a familiar problem – it all finished at 2. Some geezer we got talking to - I think his name was Bleo - or Blacko or something like that, saw the disappointment on our faces when the music stopped. He goes to us - “Don't worry sunshine - there's a party in Moss Side, that won't be stopping till Sunday.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
Bleo gave me his air horn as a souvenir of the night.
JERRY ZMUDA
Apparently the party was being organized by the 808 State people. We simply had to go. Peter didn't need much persuading. So we get in the car and off we go to Moss Side. Outside it's starting to show all the signs of a run-down decaying inner city, unsightly tower blocks, vandalised phone boxes, but we had no feeling of foreboding - to us everything was bathed with a peachy pleasant glimmer. Then Peter has to stop his cab. We're at a traffic light, it's green but the car in front is reversing. Peter had to reverse his cab to avoid getting hit.
PETER WYATT
Suddenly this geezer appears, running towards my cab. I see a mad look in his eye and he slings open the passenger door. Quick as flash I mount the curb and drive off. But I'm on the pavement. The other car that was in front is now moving and trying to stop me from getting back on the road. The geezer who opened my car door is chasing after my cab. I think about reversing into him, but instead I drive off on the pavement into this precinct. This other car is chasing me - then I hear this loud bang.
DERMOTT COLLINS
It couldn’t have been a gun. Could it?
PETER WYATT
As I drove away, and managed to finally get back on the road, I said jokingly - “Do you think - he wanted a lift to the rave?” Five minutes later it sunk in what had just happened - my heart starting pounding. They were trying to ambush us. I said to the other two – “Fuck this, we're in a strange town. Far from home, we've had a great night. Let's quit while we're ahead.”
JERRY ZMUDA
We saw the best and worst of Manchester that night.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I said – “But I’ve still got a bag of Es to sell.”
PETER WYATT
“Never mind that, you can sell them down Queens. If we start the journey now, we'll be fresh by the time Queens opens.”
So we headed down south. It was long drive, but pleasant - hardly another car in the road.
JERRY ZMUDA
We got to Queens two hours early, waiting in the boating house, drinking water, getting stared at by the boating people. Dermott was trying to be funny saying stuff like – “he’s got a really nasty boat that geezer.”
By this time the Queens organizers were well used to us being among the first ones in. In fact they were probably bloody sick of the sight of us - with our dumb E humour. Nevertheless they always gave us a friendly welcoming smile.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Peter was feeling guilty about leaving his three year old daughter and five month pregnant wife for the week-end, so I popped him another pill.
Queens normally went into top gear an hour before the end. That was my moment. I took out Bleo's air horn out and starting blaring it out. It was deafening - drowning out the music. I haven't seen so many open jaws since my Jesus/Kung Fu school assembly. Literally stopped the show.
The next day, nursing my come-down, I get dozens of phone calls, congratulating me on the air horn. I was a club hero for fifteen minutes.
DONKEY PLANET IN THE CLINK
JERRY ZMUDA
For the next Donkey Planet we needed to find a proper underground venue. Not a function room normally used for Wedding receptions. I went into over-drive and started compiling a file of different venues. This time I was looking for warehouses, rehearsal studios, photographic studios.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I told Jerry to check out Clink Street where RIP was in ’88.
JERRY ZMUDA
The basement where RIP used to be, the original Clink Street prison, that wasn't available anymore. I think the police had injucted them, and they were now turning it into a museum. But on the third floor there was this rehearsal studio - dinghy - dirty - dilapidated. It was perfect - and the fellow was up for it. For £600 he was happy to let the party go on till 6 am. We were in business!
OLIVER MACINTOSH
I told the boys – “This time, learn your lesson – don’t give out flyers all over the shop to every Ted and his dog!”
DERMOTT COLLINS
Yes Oliver we get it. Be selective. Be objective. Be an asset to the collective. He was starting to wind me up that geezer. I feel a top wind up coming on.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
The week-end before this Donkey Planet was the May Bank Holiday, and there was some proper parties on that we could go to and put the word about – discreetly.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Saturday night Shoom were doing a Joy party in Southwark. Sunday night was a coach trip to Valbonne's in Maidenhead, Rampers was playing that one too, and the Bank holiday Monday was an all dayer down Queens. So we set the promotion in motion.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
I told them – “Don’t go to a Shoom party and bosh out the flyers. You put the word about on the QT, mentioning it in conversation as a by-the-way.”
JERRY ZMUDA
There was a thick air of expectation as we walked down the steps to this underground Shoom/Joy party. It was low ceilinged and arched - like some ancient catacombs. The place would have been dark and moody, but hang up half a dozen luminous Shoom love hearts, play some joyful tunes and add a happy crowd - and the place had an electric ambience all of its own. Of all people, it was Peter who spoilt the atmosphere.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I was down the back by the wind- machines, which were chopping out stale air – but at least it was doing something. Anyway I point the wind machine at this geezer, and he goes - “Leave it out – you’re ruining my buzz,” in this really stupid croaky voice. So I did it again so that Peter could hear him and we could share a laugh. Anyway when Peter hears his voice, he turns into the Incredible Hulk and he grabs a hold of him. I said –“Wait up Peter this is a Shoom party, you can’t be doing that here.”
PETER WYATT
It was him. I swear it was him - the herbert who stole that box of Toblerone out of my petrol station.
DERMOTT COLLINS
He was going on about some box of Toblerone. “What drugs are you on Peter? You’re losing it.”
PETER WYATT
The geezer was denying it, saying he'd never been to Feltham in his life. Never even heard of the place. I said – “Don't give me that - I'd recognize that voice anywhere.”
JERRY ZMUDA
I had to dash in and pull Peter away from him. I think Peter was in a dark place - I mean mentally - at the time. Despite all the happiness around him, I think he felt guilty about going out and taking drugs while his pregnant wife was sat at home. He was talking it out on this poor chap - contriving this whole box of Toblerone affair. Peter was always one for heart to heart talks. This was my turn. I said “Peter maybe you should lay off the drugs for a bit.”
PETER WYATT
“Fuck off Jerry - it's got nothing to do with drugs. THAT CUNT STOLE MY BOX OF TOBLERONE.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
I tried to get a joint going to calm Peter down – I couldn’t get a light going because there was no oxygen in that place.
JERRY ZMUDA
The next day on Sunday, Shoom had organized two coaches to Maidenhead where Danny was playing at Studio Valbonne. As it turned out everyone piled in on one coach - and us - the Unholy Trinity got a whole coach to ourselves. Had the box of Toblerone incident made us Shoom pariahs? And would anybody come to our party next week-end? When we got to the other end - I was desperate for people to like us - so I told Oliver Mac that he could do the last set - the centrepiece 4 till 6.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
I was super-delighted. Until then I had only ever played warm-ups. So to come on after a big name DJ was a big deal for me.
JERRY ZMUDA
Box of Toblerone incident notwithstanding. That week-end is etched in my memory as one of my best week-ends ever. The drugs were working, the music was uplifting, the crowd were happy and cheerful. I was 25 years of age and it felt liberating to give my youth a second wind. My teens and early 20s had been racked with worry and pressure - this was my release. At Valbonne Danny got on the mic, as he was want to do when the party was going off. He passed the mic around to some of the Shoomers. I got my turn - I chanted something about how much I love my friends from Feltham School. Then I did my Feltham Is Mine, Feltham Is Mine bit from Feltham Made Me. Before they told me to shut up.
The next day, the Bank Holiday Monday down Queens was a more sedate affair - something of an anti-climax. It had to be after what we'd done the previous two nights. I finally got down to promoting Donkey Planet. People seemed up for it - but you couldn't be sure until you opened those doors.
DERMOTT COLLINS
So Olly Mac was going to do the last set. Good for him. Nobody deserves it more than him. But I had to play a trick on him. I just had to.
When I wasn’t serving up in clubs – or sleeping – I’d spend my time watching Dogtanian videos or hanging out down charity shops. Oxfam where selling a whole bunch of Val Doonican albums – this threw a log into my plan-hatching furnace.
JERRY ZMUDA
So the big day of the Clink Street party came. An hour before the doors opened on the second Donkey Planet - it was clear it wasn't going to be any problem filling the place. There were several hundred milling about outside on the ancient cobbled streets around Clink Street. Martin our camel hair coated security man turned up with his team and instantly began getting everyone to form an orderly queue. Then at the end of the street I saw a flashing police-car light. I felt a sudden stab of panic.
DERMOTT COLLINS
The Old Bill were at the door, telling security they wanted to speak to the organizer. “Let me handle this,” I said and walked up to them. There’s a strong tug on my jacket. Peter had pulled me back.
JERRY ZMUDA
“This is an unlicensed and illegal party and we are going to shut you down.” Said the stoney-faced policeman. The bottom fell out of my trousers and I was preparing to make a dash for it. But while I stood trembling in the shadows, Peter with a big disarming smile went into charm over-drive - “It's just a party, we're playing soul and dance music - Barry White.”
“Do you know all these people Sir?”
“Not all of them - but I know a lot of them. This is our crowd.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
I was reaching into my pocket to bring out a wedge to pay the coppers off, but I see that Peter is turning on the Wyatt charm. The coppers were lapping it up – soul music club, nice people, no drunks and certainly no drugs. He was selling it so well, at one point I thought the coppers were going to stay for the party.
PETER WYATT
I was smiling the Old Bill into submission but then I fucked up. The police asked about fire exits and I took them upstairs onto the roof - instead of the staircase at the back. There was long awful silence - with me not sure whether to say anything. I heard a squawking voice on the police radio. Then one of the copper goes - “Look here Peter - you seem like a nice bloke. If you promise you don't overfill the place - we'll let it go ahead. We'll come back and check on you in a couple of hours.” I could have kissed them.
DERMOTT COLLINS
The party was on, and Peter was our hero. Free drugs for him - well he was going to get them anyway.
DONNA HARVEY (Donkey Planet attendee)
The first time I saw Dermott he was rushing off his nut in the stairwell in Clink Street, his jaw was shaking all over the shop. I said to him – “That looks scrummy.”
And he gave me one - a pill that is. My mates didn’t see what I saw in him, but when they found out he was a top dealer, then they thought he was alright.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
This party in Clink Street was proper, much more like it. It was heaving with people, I carried my records through the crowd and Dermott was sitting next to the coat-check girl and called me over. He offered to look after my records in the cloak-room. I should have known.
PETER WYATT
The party had a pukha underground feel and was going right off. Totally forgot about the Old Bill coming back to pay me a visit. I'd dropped a couple of beans and was looking pretty fucked.
The boys in blue returned, showing up at around 2 am. The money was all in. But we didn't want to get raided. They barged past the doormen and rush up the stairs and the copper shouts over the music “I am looking for a Peter Wyatt. Where is he?” I hid, crouching behind the bar.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I said – “I am Peter Wyatt.”
JERRY ZMUDA
Then I stepped up before them and declared that I am Peter Wyatt. Then some fellow behind shouted “I am Peter Wyatt.” Then someone else “I am Peter Wyatt.” Dozens of us came forward - with a chorus of “I am Peter Wyatt.” It was like that scene from Spartacus, but with an MDMA twist. The policeman shook his head and walked out into the night.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
I had planned out my set meticulously - every record, every mix - to the second, timing the bpms - everything. My first record was going to be Roberta Flack, the big record of May ’89. I collected my record box from the cloak room - getting all excited. I get behind the decks - open up the box and the blood drains from my face - it’s full of Val Doonican LPs. My heart goes wobbly, how can I put together a set from this? Then I work out there could be only one person behind this. I dash back to the cloakroom, Dermott gave me back my records with a cheeky grin saying “one-nil.” But I did not find this funny at all.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Jerry was saying – “We need to give them something they’ve never seen before.” So I said – “What about a bloke dressed like Dogtanian?”
DONNA HARVEY
I was talking to Dermott. Then he said “I’d better go, I need to get changed.” Then I don’t see him again for hours. I found out later it was him dancing, dressed like a dog.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
I thought the bloke dancing in the dog suit was class – until I found out it was Dermott. When we divied the money out afterwards I found out the costume hire was coming out of the party’s expenses. I fucking hit the roof.
DERMOTT COLLINS
The dog suit wasn’t due till Monday so I got to wear it for the whole week-end.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
I finish my set off with a classic from ‘88 - Musical Freedom. Everyone’s cheering as the record fades out, I’m beaming with pride. Then Dermott comes up to me, puts his hand out into a bowl shape and says - “Please Oliver can we have some more?” Very fucking funny. Then the whole place starts doing it. For the next five years afterwards I had people coming up to me while I’m DJing going - “Please Oliver can we have some more?”
MICHELLE WYATT
Peter was going out a lot at this time. In truth I honestly didn't mind that much. I knew that once my second child was born he wouldn't get much time for any of that. So these last few months was his final fling. But I used it as ammunition when it suited me - when we had rows.
DERMOTT COLLINS
The plan was to make a bunch of money from Donkey Planet 2 – everyone would like us, and then the next week-end we’d hit Ibiza – no sleep till Pasha. I’d bought Peter his flight – but Peter had other ideas.
PETER WYATT
After the Manchester trip and Clink Street, Ibiza was a bridge too far. I had a pregnant wife and three year old daughter - I had to sit this one out.
JERRY ZMUDA
Ibiza was OK - but it wasn't the same without Peter the Rock. Highlights included - dancing like teapots at some early morning affair at a café-stroke-restaurant, meeting an elderly white-bearded chap at Pasha called Nino - the Balearic Father Christmas, and at the Café Del Mar hooking up with Bleo and his mates from the Hac.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Some posh fucker teaching me to play Backgammon at the Cafe Del Mar. He taught me to play badly on purpose, so he could beat me and show off to the ladies. I told him to FUCK RIGHT OFF.
JERRY ZMUDA
And Dermott shouting at some posh fellow, piercing the Café Del Mar’s legendary sunset magic hour serenity.
I had told everyone at work that I was going for a short relaxing holiday in sunny Ibiza. I return to work to find the Sun's headline Ecstasy Island. My cover was blown.
FEAR OF A DONKEY PLANET
JERRY ZMUDA
Months and months of hard slog had paid off. Driving around London, thumbing through directories - phone call after phone call - I HAD FINALLY FOUND THE DREAM VENUE. It was a large photographic studio in Farringdon. Nobody had ever used it before. It was spacious and clean. This is the one that would give Donkey Planet the top Donkey prize. We would become dance scene legends after pulling this one off.
OLIVER MACINTOOSH
Jerry was right, this venue was the nuts. This was our big chance. I told the boys – “this time we go up a gear.” With the help of my girlfriend we’d gathered up a mailing list – with phone numbers. No walk-up on the door – we sell ALL the tickets in advance. We do this one properly.
JERRY ZMUDA
My contact at the venue was a chap named Howard - he was my age and knew exactly what we were up to. I didn't have to pretend about anything. He wanted two thousand pounds in advance for the hire. I did my maths and we could still make a profit on that. Hike the ticket price up by about £2 - easily worth it for this spectacular venue. Plus we'd still make a handsome profit on all the drinks we'd sell.
DERMOTT COLLINS
So the party was set for the last week-end in July. Me and Jerry turn up at Beggars Banquet – this record shop in Kingston what was selling our tickets, and turns out we’ve got competition. This soppy looking kid with a poodle haircut was doing a rave in his old man’s barn in Cobham on the same night. I said to him – “Poodle! Let the battle of the parties commence.” He looked well frit.
PETER WYATT
Dermott was as usual being all cocky and arrogant. But he had reason this time - we had a super-cool venue in the heart of London. Poodle's real name was Simon. I said to him – “Take no notice of Dermott, none of us ever do. This scene's massive, there's more than enough people to go around. I'm sure we'll both have successful parties.”
JERRY ZMUDA
I felt supremely confident about this party. Oliver and his girlfriend had the foresight to collect phone numbers as well as addresses for our mailing list, so not only did we do a mailing, we called them up as well.
PETER WYATT
We'd booked a great line up of DJs, tickets were selling and people were talking about Donkey Planet #3. But my mind was elsewhere. Michelle was getting close to dropping her sprog. My sprog. I was a father and a husband first, and everything came after that.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Remember kids this is in the days before the noncey internet. We had to PROMOTE this mother-fucker. This meant going out and actually telling people about it.
JERRY ZMUDA
Promoting Donkey Planet #3 was a blast. Going to clubs with Dermott - I'd look over at him, it was like he was back in the playground of Feltham School. He'd come home. By now he had a reputation for being London's premier pill supplier, so people were flocking around him. Finally, this time, Dermott had found his true calling.
PETER WYATT
I said – “Look boys - you lot doing are all the ‘Donkey’ work on this one. I can't take 25 percent of the profits. Split everything three ways and count me out.”
Jerry and Dermott were really sweet. “No way” said Dermott - “we are the MuskeHounds, all for one and one for all. You get 25% and like it. Buy a nice present for Michelle and the kids.” I had the best mates in the world.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
I don’t get it. How the fuck are we supposed to make any money, if we wedge in people who are doing fuck all? No disrespect to Peter, he’s a smashing bloke and that. But it’s all very well Dermott coming over like the Godfather, he makes his money from pills. I wanted to make a living from music. And I said to Dermott straight – “if you want to hire any dog suits, this time it’s coming out of your own bleeding pocket.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
So I show up at Beggars Friday afternoon, the geezer goes to me.
“Got a problem boys – we’d sold all our Donkey Planet tickets. Got any more?” So I arranged to get another hundred printed pronto. So people will get a little squashed. They love it, and we’d make another grand on top. Lovely.
JERRY ZMUDA
We'd cracked it. We'd sold six hundred tickets in advance. Dermott got a few beers from the supermarket and we spent a lovely afternoon hanging around Beggars lording it up, watching the world go by.
Simon aka Poodle came in, and it turned out he'd only sold eighteen tickets. He looked sick. Dermott of course really took the mickey.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Poodle was giving it all the – the scene isn’t about that. I said – “So what is the scene all about then? Eighteen people freezing to death in a big empty barn?” He stormed off and we were laughing.
JERRY ZMUDA
So the plan for the day of the party was this - I go round Peter's in the afternoon, and we drive down to the venue together and get everything set up.
MICHELLE WYATT
My water broke Saturday morning and Peter took me to the hospital. Mum came with us and looked after Abby.
JERRY ZMUDA
I get to Peter's house and nobody's home. I realized it must have something to do with Michelle's pregnancy, but she wasn't due for two weeks. We'd set the date for the party specially so it wouldn't clash. I started having palpatations. I can't do this without Peter, I thought. But it was clear I had no choice.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I was still in bed. My plan for the day was not to get up until about 10 pm and get a lift up there. That way I’d be fresh as a daisy for the whole of the night through till morning.
JERRY ZMUDA
I turned up at the venue and a balding middle-aged guy who'd I never seen before was in Howard's office - sat at his desk.
“Hullo. Where's Howard?”
“Howard's gone.”
“What do you mean gone?”
“He doesn't work here any more.”
“Did he mention anything about a party?”
“What party?”
Turned out Howard had gone travelling - Friday was his last day. And he never really was the owner - he just did admin on the bookings.
The sickening penny dropped, I had been conned.
The guy was about to go, and in a fit desperation I told him everything and pleaded with him to let the party go ahead. He politely told me that his was a working photographic studio and he couldn't allow a party to take place there. He ushered me out of there, locked up and walked away. Then the PA van showed up. What the hell was I going to do?
PETER WYATT
Michelle gave birth to a strapping baby boy at 4.07 pm. I was there for all of it - the screaming - the shouting - the cursing - being called all names under the sun. It was my second time, but it was still beautiful. Donkey Planet #3 was so far in the back of my mind. There was no way I was going to leave Michelle and my new born baby. I had a name for him and Michelle agreed. He was going to be called Carl after my dear lost friend Botley.
JERRY ZMUDA
I chased the studio owner down the road and pleaded some more. I was a man whose pride had been wiped away by desperation, and promised him money and anything else that came into my hysterical head. This time he laughed as he got into his car and drove off. I was desolate. Then the PA guy caught up with me and demanded to know what the hell was going on.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I had no idea about any of this. I got woken up at around 4 pm when me old man was watching the racing.
PETER WYATT
They can talk all the crap they want about Ecstasy - the greatest feeling in the world is child birth. Obviously I haven't experienced the actual giving birth. But to be there when it happens. The beginning of a new life - that you made. To see a set of eyes focus on the world for the first time. I just felt nothing but total joy and happiness, and it wasn't chemical.
MICHELLE WYATT
This was my second birth, so I knew the score - I wanted as many epidurals and pain killers I could down my neck. I don't know what was worse - knowing what was to come, or not knowing.
JERRY ZMUDA
I quickly mumbled something to the PA guy that we may have to change venues, and I'll keep him posted - I then made a dash to the nearest pub I could find open, and with a stack of 10ps made camp around their pay-phone.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Jerry called me, stuttering he was. Something about losing the venue. I said to him – “Listen, you ain’t going to solve nothing by getting in a flap.”
JERRY ZMUDA
“That's easy for you to say, you swine! You're tucked away at home. I'm here in Farringdon, with a PA crew breathing down my neck, the lighting is on it's way - and security as well.” I hung up on Dermott, got loads more change off the barman and started dialling all the venues in my book - Diorama, Clink Street, King Bee, Cobden Working Man's Club, Ewer Street Skate Park, Hersham British Legion - in the vain hope that one of them might have their venue free for the night.
DONNA HARVEY (Donkey Planet attendee)
I had a thing for Dermott. We had kissed, but he always seemed to disappear at the wrong time. I was determined to make something happen at the next Donkey Planet.
I had made a Donkey Planet T-Shirt, and I was going to show it to him, and try and get involved with Donkey Planet by doing their merchandise. I thought if I got there early enough, I could talk to him properly, before it all went mental.
JERRY ZMUDA
On the pay phone I was drawing a blank and in a blind terror. I had around two grand in cash on me - all in envelopes to pay the different people working on the party. I was seriously thinking about just dashing off to Heathrow Airport. Get the next flight, and join Smike in Goa. Start a new life, with a new identity.
PETER WYATT
Michelle and the baby were sleeping - so peaceful, so serene, I showed Abby her new brother. It had occurred to me to go and see the boys. But I figured there's three other blokes in Donkey Planet - they didn't need me - and my place was here, watching over my wife and the newest addition to my family.
JERRY ZMUDA
Then this clubber type girl came in and spotted me.
DONNA HARVEY
I spotted his plummy mate in the boozer, and I said “Hullo do you want see my Donkey Planet T-Shirt? By the way, where’s Dermott?” He did a moody one on me.
JERRY ZMUDA
I sneaked out the back door and tried to find another pub with a pay phone.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
Jerry is a fucking mug. I thought something was fishy about the guy insisting on all the money up front, and then not getting anything in writing.
JERRY ZMUDA
I did have something in writing but when I showed the contract to the owner, he just laughed in my face. It wasn't worth anything. It was easy for Oliver to give it - “I just play the music man.” All he does is play loads of records that Oakenfold, Rampling, and Weatherall made popular. He wants to try finding a venue, that's really hard in this twilight legal world. Anyway the hours passed - phone call after phone call after phone call. Nothing. It was now 9 o'clock and doors open was an hour away. The lighting guy was now looking for me, and the security team were due any minute.
I went back to the venue and cased the joint. There was nothing else for it. I was going to have to break in. Deal with the repercussions later. If I climbed up a drain-pipe, got on a ledge, smashed a window, climbed in, and then smashed another window - I might be able to get access to the venue. Damn! What about the burglar alarm?
DONNA HARVEY
So afterwards I went straight to the venue, and I saw Dermott’s mate climbing up a drainpipe.
JERRY ZMUDA
I was lost in a crisis without Peter. I kept asking myself - what would Peter do?
I was half way up the drain pipe when Martin the head of security showed up in his Bentley. Dressed immaculately as ever in his camel hair coat, he exuded an aura of total confidence - like he was the Don of London.
“Alright Jerry - what's going on up there?” He says to me as I jump down.
“Martin - I've got a bit of a problem.”
“I should say - but Dermott's sorted it.”
“How has he sorted it then?”
“You'd better call your mate.”
He handed me this large black thing - the size and weight of a brick. It was a mobile phone, I'd never held one before.
“He's found another venue - a barn in Cobham.”
“Dermott - what have you done?”
“Just got us out of this fucking mess. I called up Poodle. He drove a hard bargain. He laid down a number of conditions - he says the first one is - you can start by not calling me Poodle – ever again.”
“But 600 people are coming here - what do I tell them? What's the address? They're not going to take kindly to having to go to Cobham.” I was spluttering.
“Easy fellah! I've got the list here. I’ve been calling some of them from here. You'll still get several hundred show up, but you'll just have to give them directions.”
“But what are the directions?”
“Martin's photocopied loads of sheets with the directions on it.”
And he had - God bless him.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I said to Jerry – “It’s a better venue. It’s a large barn with loads of space, not some dirty sweat-box. You’ll be able to see the sunrise over the rolling green hills. If anybody gives it the – ‘where the fuck is Cobham?’ Just say ‘there you go, tonight you will go somewhere you’ve never been before.’ Dress it up good – you’re a salesman Jerry – I don’t need to tell you...”
JERRY ZMUDA
It was still a mess - several hundred people showed up, and me and Martin gave out the photocopies. Most were quite put out but ultimately fine about it - this how it goes in the world of warehouse parties - but a significant minority were mightily annoyed. Saying stuff like “What's this magical mystery tour?”
Dermott said I could promise free Es to anyone who was especially unhappy. The list was growing. One chap was especially disgruntled and wanted to be refunded his petrol money. I tried reasoning with him, explaining our situation - we are just a bunch of guys putting on parties - we don't have much money behind us. In the end I told him to see Dermott at the other side and he'll “sort him out.” He stormed off in a rage.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
What a fucking mess. All my lot were well pissed off about having to go all the way to Cobham at the last minute. They were having a go at me about it and I said – “Listen I just play the music.”
JERRY ZMUDA
I left Farringdon at around 1 AM - leaving Martin the trooper there with a handful of photocopies. But by now most people had showed up and got re-directed to Cobham.
My car was full of random people, gabbing away, but I was in no mood to chat. After an hour’s drive I finally got to the party in the barn. The place was rocking, the strobe was flashing, limbs were flailing - and Dermott was there. My hours of anxiety melted and gave way to joy and relief. We had pulled it off.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Yes we had pulled it off. All thanks to me – Mr. Fix-it Dermott. But we weren’t going to make any money out of this one. God knows how many Es I had to give away.
JERRY ZMUDA
At around 5 am, me, Poodle I mean Simon, and Dermott were supping cider in this shed we'd commandeered as our office - when that miserable so and so showed up whinging about his petrol money.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I tossed him a score. “Go – git awt – you’re not welcome at the Donkey no more. Here’s another twenty for your dry cleaning bill.”
“What dry cleaning bill?”
Poured some cider over his jacket. The geezer was ready to punch me, when Lord William showed up and grabbed hold of him. “Don’t you dare - ever swing a punch at my friend. Understand?” The geezer turned white as a sheet and left. I had some serious connections.
JERRY ZMUDA
It’s the spirit of acid house, you lose your venue - you pull out all the stops to find another venue. You don't whinge about petrol money.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
I’ll always remember that party because the sun came up and shone into the barn while I was DJing. I was playing Voodoo Ray – and the crowd gasped – it was a religious moment. Then Dermott got on the mic and thanked everyone for their patience and congratulated their absent friend Peter whose missus had just had a baby.
JERRY ZMUDA
The mist rising over the lagoon. The bird's singing - nature's call. Mother Nature was putting on the most spellbinding show. This is what Piper at the Gates of Dawn, that chapter in The Wind of the Willows was all about. Suddenly I understood it all - the beauty behind our existence, just waiting to be seen, if only we took the trouble to look.
Why did it take something like the drug scene for me to experience what I could see anytime if I got up early enough? In my transcendental state, my thoughts turned to Lydia.
PETER WYATT
It felt weird turning up at the barn at Cobham at 8 am - everyone off their head, and me straight as a die. I was seeing things from the other side - and from there it didn't seem especially happy or care-free - just insane. That barn was a loony bin. I had something to tell the guys.
JERRY ZMUDA
Peter came to tell me he was dropping out the scene and he couldn't be involved in Donkey Planet anymore. I gave him a smile and a hug, but I was devastated. It wouldn't be the same without Peter. Nothing is ever the same without him.
HULLO LYDIA - REMEMBER ME
LYDIA DANCEY (Jerry’s ex-girlfriend)
My first job on leaving Polytechnic was as a researcher for the BBC on their Woman's Hour programme. I loved it. After a year, I was writing copy. I got to travel and interview people. Of course I knew about this whole dance music thing, we even talked about doing something about it on the programme. But we concluded that it had all been covered extensively elsewhere, and our core listeners - middle aged women - wouldn't be especially interested.
JERRY ZMUDA
I phoned Lydia's parents who told me she was living in London and working for the BBC, but they refused to give me her number. Hah! I'll just get it from the Beeb. I have to admit, I was ultra nervous about phoning Lydia after all these years. I was so uneasy I took the afternoon off work to do it. For a few years now I had been harbouring thoughts that Lydia was THE ONE.
I’d always planned on getting in touch. I think I was waiting for some kind of achievement, something positive happening in my life before I called, so she wouldn’t write me off as a deadbeat again. In my stupid thinking I thought Donkey Planet was that achievement. I certainly felt I’d pulled off something special with Donkey Planet #3.
I was pacing around my room, rehearsing my opening sentence – “Hullo Lydia. Remember me? It’s Jerry.” I was trying to sound all masterful and confident but there was a distinct tremor in my voice. I went to the off licence and bought a bottle of Pils. And tried again. Better. Now or never. I made a dive for the phone.
LYDIA DANCEY
It was weird getting a call from Jerry at work. I had been thinking about him earlier that day because I had driven through Battersea, and the spot where he stood for fifteen minutes after he stormed out, and was waiting for me to call him back. Strange, he acted like an arsehole, but the memory made me smile. He sounded strange on the phone. He was breathing strangely, like he was constipated. He wanted to meet up. I said Ok. His parting shot was - “Be warned - I am very different.” I was intrigued.
JERRY ZMUDA
The call had gone well. She sounded cagey, but she said Yes - she wanted to meet up. I wanted to take her to a club and show her the scene I was a part of. But instead she wanted to meet at the BBC Club off Great Portland Street. That sounded good to me - having a drink with the showbiz people. I now had to make the necessary preparations.
LYDIA DANCEY
I found myself dressing up and putting on some extra make up before meeting up with Jerry. But I told myself in the mirror – “Don't let him get you drunk.”
JERRY ZMUDA
I'd got Dermott to sort me out with some of his best pills. I wanted to make this a date to remember.
LYDIA DANCEY
Apart from the fact he was wearing Kickers, and his hair was a bit longer, Jerry didn't seem so different. But I have to admit I felt my heart flutter when I saw him for the first time in years.
He started off as the same old whinging Jerry, going on about his boring office job. But then he changed gear, and his face light up as he started going on about “the scene.” He was full of evangelical zeal - how it had opened him up to new experiences, new people. I was indifferent, but I said – “Well I'm glad you've found something you really believe in.” Then he started pressing me about doing a piece on “the scene” for woman's hour. I explained our demographic, but he was unrelenting.
JERRY ZMUDA
She looked even more beautiful than the picture I kept stored in my cobwebbed memory vault. Damn! How could I have ever let her go? Now I had a mission with Lydia. I had to turn her onto to what was happening. I couldn't believe that she had got through the Summer of 88 and 89 without experiencing it in some way. I said to her – “Come to a club with me.” She said No. I said – “Try these pills I've got - Dermott sez their pukka!”
LYDIA DANCEY
I couldn't believe he'd try and peddle me some drugs, right there in the BBC Club.
JERRY ZMUDA
“I'm not peddling drugs. I'm giving them to you.” Had I made a faux pas? Lydia was not impressed. She gave me a peck, a useless distant peck on my cheek and told me to stop whinging about my dreary sales day job - and follow my dream - whatever it may be. That's easy for her to say, not when you've got to pay the rent on a bed sit.
LYDIA DANCEY
I had toyed with the idea of getting back with Jerry. There is always a special place in your heart for your first love. But I couldn't be doing with this - “get on one” “mental” rave new world that Jerry was in.
JERRY ZMUDA
When I offered Lydia the drugs, I immediately felt this sudden distance between us - we weren't going to get back together. But I had read Radiate Sunshine the novel she wrote as a teenager. Something was happening in Britain now that echoed the crazy days of Warhol and his Factory. Back then Lydia wanted a crazy whirlwind lifestyle, but her career and education had turned her into a stiff corporate person.
JERRY DOES HIS CAINE FROM KUNG FU BIT
JERRY ZMUDA
Shoom announced their last ever night in November 1989. Everyone was geared up for one wild celebratory party, and it did not disappoint. People were going round hugging each other saying – “Keep the Faith.” Whatever that meant. It was still very moving. Jenny Rampling did sour it somewhat with her speech at the end. She was standing up on a platform and started spewing vitriol and bile, decrying all her “jealous” critics - saying “I CAN ONLY PITY YOU” - as she glared down into the audience. Which was urinating on our happy-happy-happy mood from a great height.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Jerry’s such a slobbering weasel, he was shouting back “I never slagged you off Jenny – I’m one of the nice ones.”
JERRY ZMUDA
I had to go into work the next morning, like four hours later - no sleep. I worked in a groggy sleepless haze but I also felt a strange hollowness. Was this the end of an era? Was the best over?
I endured the monotony of work virtually in a trance and got home and turned on my TV, and there it was, one of the most momentous events in history - the Berlin Wall coming down.
Throngs of people clambering all over the wall, this symbol of repression was being broken into pieces. The flummoxed guards putting their rifles down, just looking on. This was some party.
I was born in the mid-sixties, a cold war kid, conditioning into thinking that the wall was always going to be there. I always used to wonder about the people living on the other side - and there they were, tearing the wall that divided us down.
LYDIA DANCEY
It was exciting working at the Beeb when things like this happen. You got to hear it first. I had mixed feelings about it though. Did this mean that capitalism was going to take over the world unchallenged? How soon before we see a MacDonalds in East Berlin?
JERRY ZMUDA
We were living in remarkable times. Lydia's words to me were resonating in my head. “Follow your dream.” I felt an impulse to go to Berlin - see history in the making and be a part of it. I decided to sleep on it and see how I felt in the morning. The next day - I woke still feeling this strong calling to go to Berlin. So I packed a few toiletries and underwear - took my credit cards and headed for Heathrow Airport. From the airport I phoned work. “I'm not coming in, ever. I resign - I'm off to Berlin, See Ya!”
DERMOTT COLLINS
Fucking nice! So Peter's settled down and Jerry now going to Berlin to find himself. What about me? I was left to serving up and having to deal with the news that Cobra was due out soon - on my own.
JERRY ZMUDA
By the time I got to Berlin the wall had been flattened and I was in sore head city. The height of the party may have been over, but there was still an electricity in the air. There was loads of badly dressed East Germans visiting the West for the first time. Walking in goggle-eyed into supermarkets, into department stores and into burger bars. It was weird. I wanted to talk to them, but I couldn't speak any German and I felt self-conscious being on my own. I decided to hit a bar and get drunk and hopefully get talking to someone. I passed this basement dive, playing the Birthday Party really loud. I took a peep inside. Bukowski types propping up the bars, huddles of people in alcoves, it was a gloriously seedy cavern - my kind of place.
LYDIA DANCEY
Jerry called me from a pay-phone in a bar in Berlin, ranting about being part of history. I said – “Jerry are you on drugs?” He kept blabbering on, then the pips ran out.
JERRY ZMUDA
After a couple of beers, I thought - to hell with it. I'm going to start talking to people whether they want to talk to me or not.
“I've come all the way from London - you know.”
I chose this seedy bloke who looked like the godfather of Heroin chic. He spoke good English and before long we were getting on like a house on fire. Poland had yanked off the yoke of communism earlier that year. They'd had their first free elections, and I had meant to visit Poland then. But when Grandad died, I'd lost contact with any of my Poland based relatives. Baron Von Smack says to me - “You must visit Poland. It is your heritage, your spiritual home.”
After several beers I slammed my fist down onto the bar and declared – “Damn! you're right. I WILL GO TO POLAND.”
“But you need visa,” he said. “I can fix it for you, not cost much.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
While Jerry was doing his Caine from Kung Fu bit, walking the streets of Eastern Europe on a quest to find himself, I got a call from Brixton Prison. Cobra’s voice was on the end - “Get the party streamers ready. I’m coming out in a couple of weeks.”
Fuck!
JERRY ZMUDA
The train journey from Berlin through to the Polish border was spectacularly grim. I was in awe, to be actually in Eastern Europe - the other side. I felt I was going on a pilgrimage. To find what? I didn't know. I suddenly got nervous at the check-point. I had paid 600 Marks for my visa. It was a forgery but I was assured that it would work, and that it would take two years to get one through the proper channels. I opened my passport on the page with the stamp on it as the border guard approached.
The stamp was very convincing – an eagle over a shield with the word VISA in Germanic type.
The uniformed officer looked at the stamp, he was silent for a second.
“Wait there,” and he returned my passport. What the hell was going on?
He returned minutes later with a stern looking man in a massive peaked cap.
“Can I see the passport please?” I showed him the VISA, he took a look and cracked into a big laugh.
“Please sir - what is this?”
“It's my VISA.” I replied feebly.
“We opened our borders in June. You just need to show your passport. You do not need Visa to visit Poland for holiday.”
“Oh!”
“How much did you pay for this drawing of an eagle?”
I told him and he laughed again.
“Welcome to Poland and look out for those con-men.”
I felt sick, stupid. But all that was rubbed out as the train lurched closer to Warsaw. I was finally in Poland - a land I had spent all my childhood wondering about. I stared at every building, every telegraph pole – taking in every detail.
NATALIE ZMUDA
I was alarmed to get a phone call from Jerry in Poland. “What on earth are you doing there? What about your job?” He wanted the contact details of our relatives who lived in Slominiki - a village outside Krakow. I said to him – “Why do you want to get in touch with them? I am certain they have no interest in meeting you.”
JERRY ZMUDA
I was on a pilgrimage to find myself. Poland the land of my ancestors, maybe I would fit in here, maybe I could feel at home. Be happy - at last.
Armed with a clutch of Polish phrases I started exploring Warsaw, walking around, anywhere, street to street, park bench to park bench. After several hours I found myself in a somewhat bleak and run down district - a place not unlike Feltham.
Then I thought I'd get the train to Krakow. Now I was roaming around Krakow, which at least was more picturesque.
But I hadn't had a proper conversation with another human being for several days now. I felt wretched, I caught my reflection in a shop window. I looked wretched. Yes! I had truly discovered myself here in Poland.
I go to the toilet in one bar and to my distress I become aware that the burly tattooed man urinating next to me is looking straight at me.
“English eh?“ He said at last.
“Errrr yes.”
“England I like.”
“Yes I like too.”
“The punk rock? Do you like?”`
“Errrr yes some of it.”
“The punk rock. I love. The Hundred club? Do you know it?”
“Yeah I've been there, a jazz club on Oxford Street.”
“No the Hundred club is a punk club, the Sex Pistols play there.”
“Yes the Sex Pistols played there many years ago- but now it's a jazz club.”
“To play there. It is my dream for my punk band.”
“Oh right. Good for you.”
“Pleased to meet you, my name is Cockney.....”
The man raised his un-washed hand for a shake.
I was horrified but shook it anyway.
“Your name is what?”
“Cockney.”
“Cockney?”
“Yes Cockney!”
Then he showed me his bulldog union jack tattoo on his fore-arm with the words COCKNEY in large scrawling blue ink. I felt like recoiling, then laughing. But I did neither - I needed a friend.
By the end of it I found myself promising my new anglophile friend that I would fix it for his punk band to play the 100 club.
Talk about the grass is always greener. We were both around the same age, and both of us had spent all our lives building up a fascination with a far off land. I indulged Cockney and let him carry on thinking that London was this wonderful mad place where punk rock still ruled. What was the point in telling him the truth – that London’s music scene had been hijacked by a bunch of corporate careerists. What was the point in both of us being disillusioned?
Two weeks later I was back in London and unemployed. Like a man with not a shred of dignity, I called my previous employers about getting my job back. They just laughed down the phone. But I found another crappy sales job easy enough. Those sales jobs were ten a penny in those days. On the plus side - all those excuses for days off sick I had used in my previous job, I could use them all again now.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I wanted to talk to Jerry about doing Donkey Planet full-time, like once a week in a licensed night-club, make some regular legal money. But Jerry didn't seem that interested.
COBRA COMES OUT
DERMOTT COLLINS
When Cobra went inside he was THE MAN, I wanted to be just like him. Five years later, and a lot had changed - Lord William is my idol now.
C-Day - the day I had been dreading was getting near. I told Lord William about Cobra coming out, and he's shaking his head - “Don't get me wrong I like him and that, but keep him away from me. I've got everything going sweet right now. The guy's a head-banger and I don't want him messing it up.”
You and me both, Lord William. Except it weren't so easy for me to keep Cobra away. I didn't have me hide-away cottage in the countryside like him. I was living in the same house I was living in when Cobra went inside. He knew exactly where to find me.
PETER WYATT
I told Dermott to be careful of Cobra. After a couple of years in stir, there's every chance he's going to be madder than ever.
DERMOTT COLLINS
The big day came. I meet him outside Brixton prison. I was the only one there. Where the fuck where all his other mates? His Family?
He gives me his usual steel-vice hug and I ask him – “So Cob what's the first place you want to visit now you're outside? A boozer? A football match? Strip-joint?”
He says - “The sweet-shop round the corner.” He explains - his Old Girl used to take him there after they'd visited his Old Man. We're in the shop and he's looking around the counter. “Where are the Penguin bars?”
The Asian shop-keeper gives him a blank look. “No more Penguin - sorry.” I said – “Never mind Cob lots of other chocolate bars to choose from.“
Suddenly Cobra starts wailing - “I want to pppppppick up a penguin - ppppppppick up a penguin!”
“I call the police,” said the twitching Asian shop-keeper, reaching for something under the counter. I marshal Cobra out of the shop and sit him on the kerb.
JERRY ZMUDA
I always found Dermott's relationship with Cobra a curious one. With everyone else Dermott is the agent of madness, and they play the straight man to his lunacy. But Cobra's is so out there, Dermott suddenly becomes the straight man.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I don't like being the sensible one. Trying to comfort a crying Cobra, getting him to calm down. He says while I'm drying his eyes “You don't understand Derm - a whole part of my life has gone while I was inside.”
PETER WYATT
Of course they hadn't really stopped doing the Penguin bars - it's just that this corner shop in Brixton didn't have them in stock. All that wailing for nothing.
FRANK COLLINS (Dermott’s father)
Dermott comes home all hot and bothered. I said – “What's up?” He said - “If that Cobra ever phones for me, tell him - I'm not in EVER!”
DONNA HARVEY
I was getting upset with Dermott, I was always doing the getting in touch, phoning up. When Cobra came out you could tell he was really tense about it. He was never at home, didn’t see him down Full Circle, he virtually went into hiding.
PETER WYATT
Dermott comes round asking if he can stay round mine for a bit. I said – “not really, Michelle and that.” He said “Just a couple of months, I need to keep away from Cobra, just enough time for him to find a new friend.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
Cobra had phoned dozens of times, each time Dad was “Oh! I don't see Dermott so much these days - here there and everywhere that lad.” Cobra bought it - I think. But one Sunday morning I'm in bed smoking a tab, and there's a knock on me window. I got the shock of my life to see Cobra's ugly mug pressed against the glass. “Let's go out,” he says. I'm putting my clothes on saying – “OK how about Full Circle?”
“I don't like that scene. Drugs have killed the criminal world.”
PETER WYATT
Cobra was one of those people who thought that drug dealing was not what proper criminals did. He saw it when he was inside - with drugs anybody can think they're a gangster. People who should never be criminals. “Snotty nosed types like Jerry” he described them. He had to get a dig in at Jerry.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Five years on I didn't care about being a proper gangster no more. Drug dealing for me was a nice easy way of making exciting amounts of cash. Anyway Cobra invites me to go to Sandown Park for the racing. I felt I had to go.
PETER WYATT
Dermott's plan was to go to the racing with Cobra, but he took with him about 100 Es and five hundred pounds in float - neat crisp fivers. So around mid-afternoon, he can say to Cobra - “gotta go, I'm going serving at some club,” and he's got the drugs and money on him to back up his story.
DERMOTT COLLINS
So we're in the VIP enclosure at Sandown, feeling out a place.
Cobra then tells me he's got his eye on doing some big racing score - armed robbery. Did I want in? I said – “Not really Cob, I don't fancy going to prison.”
Then Cobra said - “Prison ain't so bad. I got myself a dream. You and me sharing a cell, and we run the place. All the scams, it all goes through us. But the best bit is - we're together."
He looked deep into my eyes.
"You've always been special to me.”
"What do you mean?“ He places his hand on my chest. Right where my Cobra tattoo is.
"I love you Dermott Collins.”
I gulped – “You have changed in prison.” Trying my best at a joke.
“Nothing to do with prison Dermott. I've loved you since the first moment I laid eyes on you. When you used to come round my house with the stuff you've nicked.
I knew then."
Then he grabbed hold of my hand and squeezed it, in front of everyone at Sandown. I froze to the spot as he looked at me like a lost puppy. Cobra love-sick - over me.
JERRY ZMUDA
Cobra gay? I am worldly now and I would have spotted it a mile off.
But when I first met him as a fourteen year old, I took him at face value. All that hard man stuff - calling me a poof because I didn't want to play William Tell. All this cult of masculinity was a smokescreen. All along Cobra really loved men - and Dermott in particular.
DERMOTT COLLINS
He were still staring deep into my eyes - waiting for my response.
I said – “I'd gotta go to the khazi.”
In the cubicle I couldn't face going back. I panicked, thinking he was going to be coming in after me, so I climbed out of the tiny window. It was a ten foot drop down onto the grass. I let myself down to find myself surrounded by a couple of coppers. I thought fuck. What about my 100 Es and my 500 pounds in float? I was arrested and searched. The copper holds up the bag of one hundred Es and says - “So what's this then?”
I said “Ear Infection?”
To go to Part 7 - Dermott’s Countdown To Porridge click here.
