Part 6 ACID House 1988 cLICK ON THE FLYER
l JUNE 1988 - THE PHONE CALL AT 7am
l THE TRIP
l THE AFTERMATH
l DISCOVERING QUEENS
l BAN THIS EVIL ACID HOUSE CRAZE
l MEETING LORD WILLIAM
l A HAIRY EXPERIENCE
l WATCH OUT FOR THOSE LIFE STORY MERCHANTS
l SHOOM SHOOM SHOOM ON A WEDNESDAY NIGHT
l THE END OF THE GREATEST YEAR EVER
l DONKEY PLANET IS BORN
l DONKEY PLANET AT THE FULHAM
FOOT BALL CLUB
JUNE 1988 - THE PHONE CALL AT 7 AM
PETER WYATT
7 am. I just got Abby, my three year old
daughter, to sleep. She had been up
all night with a cough. The phone rang,
it was Dermott. I said – “You're up early.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
“Early? Haven't been to bed yet.”
Had to talk to Peter. Meant to talk to him
the first time I done it.
Now I couldn't keep it in any longer.
PETER WYATT
He was very excited, talking ten to the dozen.
I hadn't slept yet so I couldn't take it all in.
It went something like - “Get on one…strobe flashing
…pumping bass…blinding night…sweating buckets
…black and white unity…hugging some geezer
I never met before.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
He told me to slow down - tried but couldn't.
I was at a pay-phone in Waterloo, still buzzing,
waiting for my train.
PETER WYATT
When a mate phones you up, on drugs, at a strange hour,
telling you he'd hugged some geezer he'd never met before
- it's all a bit worrying. I told him to be careful. When I put the phone down, I looked at my daughter, finally sleeping peacefully. I thought - yeah there might be some new scene going off out there - but my world is here.
JERRY ZMUDA
Smike had invited me to the Astoria to a night called the Trip. A total revelation, he passed me a tablet that tasted bitter. Beforehand Smike had described taking E as like mixing acid with speed. That sounded pointless - why not just take acid with speed and save the money? He didn't prepare me for this religious experience. Half an hour later I felt a surge of energy and wonder - I just had to dance. For the first time ever I danced without feeling self-conscious or shy - and I felt love for everybody. I mean everybody - even Dermott. But especially this new scene. As I was coming down Sunday night, all glowing, I felt I had to call Peter and tell him about this wonderful, happy new scene.
PETER WYATT
So Dermott calls me off his head early Sunday morning. Eight hours later that same Sunday, Jerry calls me about the self same subject. Fate is playing her hand. She's telling us it's time the boys - the unholy trinity - got back together.
MICHELLE WYATT
I was gutted when Peter told me he was going out on Saturday night with the Twins of Terror. He's a cabbie and Saturday night was the busiest night.
PETER WYATT
I wasn't bothered about any new scene, trying new drugs. I was doing this to get my pals back together.
DERMOTT COLLINS
That week-end when we both phoned Peter, I'd been down RIP down Clink Street and Jerry had been down The Astoria. RIP was a proper small underground club and a bit hard to get into, they gave first dibs to members. So we decided to have our get together at the Astoria. I was looking forward to seeing Jerry. But I was hoping he wasn't still an arse hole, and wasn't going to rake over old ground about the Grundy.
JERRY ZMUDA
I wasn't sure about any re-union. I had hoped Dermott was out of my life for good. But Smike was going away to Goa the following week-end and I was stuck for someone else to go out with. So, with some reluctance, I said OK.
THE TRIP
PETER WYATT
As soon you got within a half mile of The Astoria, you knew something was happening. There was a massive, heaving queue outside making this loud hum of excitement. You could hear it and feel it. Everyone dressed in baggy colourful clothes. Fuck me, some geezer was even wearing a poncho. Hair was mostly long, some wore hats, Aztec woollen patterns. Dermott was acting like he owed the gaff, and he pushed his way through to the front, people were saying hello to him, even the security shook his hand. The bouncer says - “Be good tonight Dermott.”
“No chance of that mate.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
Peter wants to get a beer. I slipped him a pill and tell him – “When this baby takes hold, you won't care about beer.”
JERRY ZMUDA
The last time I'd laid eyes on Dermott was at Botley's funeral so I felt awkward - really awkward. I needed to relax - badly. I saw Dermott give Peter the E, and I said – “Got any more?”
He said “Of course” and hands over a pill. I said “How Much?” He waves his hand - “On the house.”
PETER WYATT
I had half a mind to spit it out. But then curiosity got a hold of me, so I washed it down with me beer. I look around and saw that no-one else was drinking alcohol.
Dermott says – “Let's go upstairs and plot down before it all goes crazy.” As I went up the stairs. I felt my bowels moving, I needed to go the toilet. I thought if I dump that pill out the other side, then it won't affect me. That’s probably for the best.
JERRY ZMUDA
My strategy was to get off my head, talk to some strangers, get lost in the crowd and then I wouldn't have to talk to Dermott at all. I was determined – determined, not to apologize for anything. And I wasn't going to let Peter make me.
PETER WYATT
After that big dump - I felt relaxed. It's all out of my system now, the drug won't have any effect. Just as well - I was a 24 year old married man - with a three year old kid. Leave the drugs to the nutters.
It was starting off. People jumping around wildly - I supposed it was dancing, strange twisted expressions on their faces. It was like when you see films of a 60s hippy festival, where there's one guy standing up - dancing like a lunatic, while most people are sitting down being mellow. It was like that - but here everybody was acting like that lunatic. Even without coming up on the E it was still powerful. The Music was electronic - but soulful vocals, I heard a piano here and there. It looked weird to me, but there was a good energy to it.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Jerry was acting off, couldn't even look me in the eye. So Jerry is still an arse-hole after all these years.
PETER WYATT
I didn't care about anyone else, I was going to have another beer. As I was waiting to get served I felt this warm tingle. I couldn't stop smiling. I smiled at the bar man, then at the girl next to me - and she smiled back. She asked me my name - I started chatting, looking out across the dance floor. The nutters on the podium weren't nutters anymore. There were my people. My people. I took this girl to meet Dermott. I said to him “Thank you - thank you - thank you for introducing me to this.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
After playing some of the soulful garage stuff - It's Alright, Reachin', You're Gonna Miss me. Holloway started playing some the darker stuff - Rock To The Beat, KLF. There was a massive cheer and the crowd went mental when he dropped Flesh - Split Second.
Jerry had scarpered and I thought - good riddance.
PETER WYATT
A big cloud of sweaty BO hung in the air. But I didn't mind, rather it was beautiful, it was our sweat - brought about from dancing.
JERRY ZMUDA
The intense rushing ram-raided my inhibitions and sent them crashing down. I was now up on the podium, looking around. I felt somebody tug at my trousers. I turn around and somebody is kissing me on the mouth. I can feel their face, it's rough stubbly, it's not a girl. I recognize that distinct sweet sickly body odour. I push him away - it's Dermott and he's laughing. Laughing like Basil Brush. My anger evaporated and I hugged him tight.
PETER WYATT
I could see Dermott and Jerry hugging on the podium - friends again at last. I jumped up and joined them, and all was well with the world, dancing with 1,000 newly made friends.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Some of the acid house purists say that the Trip in the Astoria was shit because it was too mainstream, too big. Well I thought it was fucking pukka. Great soundsystem, great crowd, blinding visuals, and the best music. The only fucking downside - it shut at 3am. Fuck that. Our bodies were shouting at us to keep on dancing. So we spilled out into the streets and we all took the party to the NCP car park by the YMCA.
JERRY ZMUDA
A revolution was happening - in the NCP car park.
PETER WYATT
It's amazing how everybody just talked to everybody. Laughing with each other. Everybody was so wild, we even danced in the all night car-park to some geezer's car stereo. And there was us three - back together again - the three Musketeers. We shook on it - friends forever.
MICHELLE WYATT
I was worried out of my mind. Peter was supposed to get the last train. As it turned out he got the first train and got home at dawn. He comes in with this soppy mongy smile - looking like Goofy - “Have I told you today?” What? “You are the loveliest girl in the world.”
THE AFTERMATH
PETER WYATT
Come down? There was no come down! I felt great afterwards.
Driving my cab round London on Monday morning I found Kiss FM on my dial and discovered that this acid house scene wasn't just The Trip - this scene was growing. Something very exciting was stirring in Old London Town.
JERRY ZMUDA
Just when I’d thought I’d got away – he’s back in my life. The euphoria had made me feel it was all wonderful to be back with my oldest friend. But when that faded, I was still smarting over the Septimus Grundy affair. He still grated on me.
DERMOTT COLLINS
You didn't have to be Tony Montana to work out there was a pile of cash to be made out all of this. But the Mathematics of the half-arsed drug dealer don't work out. You buy a bag of 20 Es for fifteens. Outlay 300 quid. You take 2, give 2 away - you sell 16 for a score. 320 comes back. You're risking a stretch of bird for a lousy score. I visited Cobra inside and told him I need to get myself connected.
JERRY ZMUDA
Smike had introduced me to the joys of house music and ecstasy. But he was going to spend the summer in Goa - the bloody hippy. So I did it. I couldn't believe I was doing it. I picked up the phone and called Dermott – “What are you up to this week-end?”
DERMOTT COLLINS
The great thing about the scene - well there were many great things - but one of them was you could dress up like a right cunt and no-one would bat an eye-lid. No! In fact they loved you for it. There was this geezer who always dressed like a pirate, eye-patch and all, the only thing missing was the parrott. Someone else used to carry a stuffed bear around with him. OK that was a bit much. Me - I liked wearing me deer-stalker. “. People used to shout out - “Oi Sherlock! Elementary my dear Watson!”
JERRY ZMUDA
Even after the effect of the pills had worn off, I found that I had a new outlook on life. It wasn't me alone against a world that hated me any more. I felt much more optimistic and confident. And what made it so exciting was that I was just one of thousands of people who was going through this. It was wonderful to discover this new scene and watch it grow before my eyes.
OLIVER MACINTOSH (Spectrum Boy and budding DJ)
My acid house experience all began on a quiet Monday night. My mate told me that the geezer who runs the Project Club in Streatham was doing a night called Spectrum down at Heaven. I thought my friend was coming on to me, because Heaven is normally a gay club. He shows me the flyer with the psychedelic big eye - and I said – “Yeah looks good” - planning to make a dash for the fire exit if he got frisky. It was only about the third or fourth week - The Theatre of Madness hadn’t really taken off yet, but you could tell that pretty soon it was going to break big. So I am very proud to say I was one of the early Spectrum people.
PETER WYATT
A few weeks before doing my first E I had gone past Trafalgar Square in my cab in the early hours of Tuesday morning. There were these kids dancing around the bus stop like it was a totem pole, dressed all colorful. I thought at the time - who let those loonies out? Weeks later I knew exactly where these loonies had been - SPECTRUM! This time I pull up.
“Where to?”
“It's alright mate - we haven't got any money.”
“Get in – I'm feeling generous.”
OLIVER MACINTOSH
“Hang about he may be a nonce,” I warned the others. But there was four of us, so I didn’t fancy his chances. He was a young guy and he starts pumping us with questions about the scene. I got a good feeling from him, he was just a nice person who wanted to give us a lift home.
JERRY ZMUDA
At the start of '88 I had found myself a job-stroke-career in that refuge for scoundrels that is Media Sales. Well what else could a no-hoper like me do? It just involved phoning people up all day - and saying the same stuff over and over again. They gave me the DIPADA training - where you ask all these open-ended questions, and then you flog what you've got, pretending it's based on what they've told you. I was living alone in some shoddy bedsit in Willesden Green but I had visions of progressing in this career. Make a go of it - prove my parents wrong. Then this acid house malarky got hold of me, and totally threw things off kilter.
PETER WYATT
To be a cabby I had to do The Knowledge, so I knew all the derelict nooks and crannies of London town. I thought I knew London like the back of me hand, but all of a sudden these different places opened up to me. Parties in snooker halls, warehouses, meat factories - anywhere. London was becoming our playground.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
I was born in 1970 – lived in Ealing all my life. I got into electro-funk – body popping, break dancing when I was 13. But the house music scene was the first scene I was ever really a part of. I was buying the records, saving up for some decks. I used to look over at the DJ, mixing away – lord of all he surveys. And I thought to myself – that’s where I want to be.
JERRY ZMUDA
From drinking with my dreary office co-workers I was starting to pile on the pounds, and looking rather unfetchingly porky. But after just a couple of weeks of raving, I was back to being as slim as a rake. Got my cheek bones back. Stands to reason - you're dancing pretty much non-stop for four or five even six hours. It's like running a marathon every week-end. And my filofax - in March '88 - I was ‘Billy No Mates’ as Dermott likes to call me. Six months later my filo was crammed with people from all over - Enfield, Dagenham, Windsor, Coventry - who are all these people?
DERMOTT COLLINS
Cobra tells me that Lord William will be getting in touch about boshing out MDMA.
“Lord William? Is he posh this geezer then?”
“He's not really a Lord - he's a top bloke - that's just what he calls himself.”
“Where do I find him?”
“Don't worry - he'll find you. You need to get yourself down Queens Sunday afternoon.”
DISCOVERING QUEENS
PETER WYATT
Cabbying during the day, I would stop off at all the record stores - Black Market, Groove, City Sounds, Red Records, Vinyl Zone and buy all the records. I picked up all the flyers. But Saturday night was the cabbys busiest time and Michelle didn't like me going out then. So nights like The Trip was a one off for me. Then I found out about a Sunday afternoon affair called Queens.
JERRY ZMUDA
I loved Queens - it was at nightclub-stroke-boating house at the top of a hill.
Outside on the balcony you had a glorious panoramic view of the reservoir with Windsor Castle on the skyline, Middle England tranquillity. Inside however….
PETER WYATT
I expected Queens to be a mellow Sunday afternoon affair like the Belvedere in Richmond used to be. People sitting around listening to Soul records - one or two people dancing. But Queens was wild and sweaty - it more than made up for not going out Saturday night.
JERRY ZMUDA
After a couple of months, I realized that in my Converse boots I was dressing like what was being commonly termed an “Acid Ted.” I perceived that some people were smirking – giving me glances of derision, or was I being paranoid? I hurriedly bought myself some Kickers, and threw the Converse away. But within weeks I found out that Kickers in some circles was now regarded as Acid Ted wear. Bah!
DERMOTT COLLINS
Don't get your kickers in a twist. So Jerry's gets himself in a Tiswas about what to wear - what a Mug! I followed no fashion but my own - and besides when it all kicked off I liked a bit of bare backing. Leaving a do, freezing cold outside and me trying to find my soaking t-shirt. Amazing I never died of pneumonia.
PETER WYATT
Queens was where I got talking to a lot of people, and I always got hired for a ride home.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
So Peter the cabbie started popping up at all these different things I’m going to. But when I saw him at Queens – I knew he must be alright. He introduced me to his buddies - Jerry who seemed like a nice guy and this other chap Dermott - he was a bit weird. He was wearing a herring bone jacket and a deer-stalker. Saying stuff like – “Have you seen le renard?” Basically a show off.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I'm at the bar at Queens, and this older guy - lean, muscular, tanned, about 30 - taps me on the shoulder. He goes - “Show us yer tattoo.”
I reply – “Get knotted.”
He says “You've got a Cobra tattoo on your chest - let me see it.”
This geezer's looking serious, so eventually I pull up my shirt and he says “You must be Dermott. Please to meet you, they call me Lord William.” “Good Lord,” I said.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
Another thing about Dermott was that he didn’t know his rhyming slang. We were on the balcony of Queens and there this was this one guy who had actually got himself a burger and chips - hardly anybody ever ate at Queens, but anyway Dermott says to him - “You should lay off the chips mate - you’ll turn Mutton Geoff.” I put him right - no Mutton Geoff doesn’t mean putting on weight - it means deaf, it’s rhyming slang. He goes to me - “Hark at Him – The Pearly King of Ealing.” But I was right and Dermott was a suburban fraud.
BAN THIS EVIL ACID HOUSE CRAZE
PETER WYATT
For all the exciting things that were happening, I always kept my priorities. I never forgot I had a wife and a three year old daughter to provide for. But I wanted Michelle to experience something of this new scene.
MICHELLE WYATT
Peter started acting strange - like happy and excited all the time. It was weirding me out. Then after dinner I'd put Abby to bed, he said – “I've got something I want you to hear.” Then he played me some 12 inches he'd bought.
PETER WYATT
I selected the more soulful end of house - Reachin', Someday, Runaway Girl. Stuff I'd thought she'd like. How can you not like music like that? She went - “Yeah great - I think Eastenders is on in a bit.”
MICHELLE WYATT
It was like me and Terry, but the roles were reversed. He was talking about going out, new records, and I was like - you're 24 it's time to grow up.
JERRY ZMUDA
I'll be totally honest. I was thrilled - thrilled - when I saw a builder on the train reading a copy of The Sun, carrying some hysterical headline about this “evil acid house craze.” I was like Rick in the Young Ones when he discovered he hadn't got a TV licence. I'm an outlaw - a desperado.
MICHELLE WYATT
I don't normally read the papers. But I took Abby over to my parents one Sunday morning and saw this headline that went something like - BAN THIS EVIL ACID HOUSE CRAZE. With the pictures of the smileys melting. I read it - it's all about drug and sex orgies where people went mad. I panicked - what the hell had Peter got himself into?
PETER WYATT
I said to her – “Who do you believe? The newspapers? Or your husband who's standing right in front of you? I don't go to drug and sex orgies. It's a happy scene - where everybody is happy.”
MICHELLE WYATT
Yes happy on drugs.
PETER WYATT
OK - but they're still happy. I wanted her to try it. I said to her - “Go out one night, try it with Jerry and Dermott. I'll stay in looking after Abby.”
MICHELLE WYATT
“Are you fucking joking? I wouldn’t be caught dead going out with those two clowns – let alone take mind-bending drugs with them.”
I told him flat – “I don't like you doing drugs, I don't like you going to these things - and I don't like you hanging about with those two losers.”
JERRY ZMUDA
Throughout '88 it seemed as if every week the national newspaper had a new hysterical slant on this “evil acid house craze.” After the initial thrill, it now meant at work I had to be ultra-secretive. My colleagues would ask me what I did at the week-end and I'd clam up. They were starting to think I was weird. Now they were obsessed, curious as to what I got up to every week-end and why I wouldn’t talk about it. So every Monday morning without fail the inevitable question –
“How was your week-end? What did you do? Where did you go?”
And I'd always be ultra-cagey - “Not much - not much, just a quiet drink. ”
How could I tell them the truth? I took mind altering substances jumped around on a podium for six hours - then got in a mini with 7 other chaps I'd never met before - and ended up in Maidenhead.
MEETING LORD WILLIAM
DERMOTT COLLINS
Lord William, this guy was the don. My hero. This is who I wanted to be when I grow up. He wasn't all mouth like Cobra - he knew the meaning of the word discreet and he did things proper. That's why Cobra was inside and Lord William was sunning it on the balcony at Queens. He didn't speak posh - he spoke normal like us. The Lord William name was to give him authority. But he had that anyway.
JERRY ZMUDA
I saw Dermott go off in a corner with this mean looking sun-tanned gent - a bit older than all of us - perhaps in his thirties. I realized that Dermott was getting into serious drug dealing. I warned him - be careful. There are so many pitfalls - not just getting arrested, you have to worry about rival firms. Dermott was all – yeah, I know.
FRANK COLLINS (Dermott’s father)
I should have sensed something was up when Dermott asked to borrow two grand - promising to pay it all back after the week-end.
DERMOTT COLLINS
With the Lord I could buy pukka Es for a lady godiva! But I had to buy in bulk.
With two grand - I bought 400 Es. Take 6 out for personal use. Sell 394 at fifteens - return £5910.
Profit £3910. That's more fucking like it. Paid my old man back in sweaty used notes.
FRANK COLLINS
Then when he paid me back. “Why are these grubby notes soaking wet?“ I asked. He said - “That's good honest sweat Dad. I worked hard for that money.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
Lord William told me the way he worked - he only dealt in top grade stuff - and never, never, never gave tick. Big discounts if you buy in bulk - but only cash in advance. That's so if someone got busted and had to flush it all down the toilet - he didn't have to come over like Harry the Bastard. I looked at him - well dressed, easy smile - this geezer had it all sussed.
JERRY ZMUDA
So a few months in from our emotional re-union on the podium at The Trip, I found myself going out with Dermott regular - pretty much every week. It now seemed right. After all, we had been through so much together. But never at this stage did we ever talk about Botley or Septimus Grundy. We bypassed all of that, and if we ever talked about the past, we talked about Feltham School.
DERMOTT COLLINS
So we're in the toilet in Queens trying to work out what Frogspawn's assembly on acid house would be, “Why should people get on one – when they can listen to Bing?” - when this guy butts in. “I did bird at Feltham.”
JERRY ZMUDA
We'd just seen Withnail & I on video and so Dermott says in his Basil Brush posh voice - “Ah! You went to the other place.” I felt proud that this off-the-wall deranged fellow was my friend. Like I used to. Embarrassingly I told him this when I came up a few hours later.
A HAIRY EXPERIENCE
JERRY ZMUDA
This scene fired me with a sense of purpose. It gave me drive - to learn how to drive. I needed wheels to go to these warehouse parties in the bowels of deepest London, and then out to Queens and Valbonnes in the sticks afterwards. So I bought a rusty second hand car and I starting taking driving lessons - a crash course. I ripped up those L plates in September '88. That week-end the guys who did the Trip were doing a warehouse party in Wembley called Hair - the scene was still borrowing a lot hippie imagery in '88. We were going to celebrate my new mobility.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I was going to clean up at Hair. So I called Lord William on his hot-line and said – “Oi! Sort me out.”
He said “Meet in a car park in Slough this evening at 9.”
Slough how the fuck am I going to get to Slough? Peter was on missus duty. So there was nothing for else for it - I had to call Mr ripped up L Plates.
JERRY ZMUDA
I wasn't exactly thrilled that my first ever non L plate drive was a drugs deal to a desolate car park in Slough.
DERMOTT COLLINS
We do the deal - all top secret, professional stuff. Lord William is so well connected - he's not even there, he's got his henchmen to represent him. We do the deal, and I walk away with a sports bag with 400 calis - and Jerksky stalls the car. Get me fuckin' home - sharpish. “Sorry mate haven't got the hang of these gears yet.”
JERRY ZMUDA
The fact that I was the driver in a drug deal was making me nervous. So I was forgetting the basics, like indicating and gear changes. Dermott was having kittens. When I finally dropped him off at home, he said - “No offence mate - but next time I'll get a cab.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
On the night of Hair, I got a taxi. Jerry was driving Peter and that Oliver Mac geezer. I said – “Good luck - see you on the other side - if you ever get there.”
PETER WYATT
I had to go to this party. I told Michelle I was out taking fairs - but I drove my cab to Jerry's bedsit in Willesden and went to the party from there. Did I feel guilty? A little. At Hair - Dermott slipped me a free E. I was naturally delighted. Then I see him dealing. I didn't know what to think. I didn't approve, but I didn't condemn it either. But he should have told me - he's supposed to trust me.
JERRY ZMUDA
'88 was the time of the friendly dealer with the smiling face. That was Dermott. Drug dealers you like. People bought from him because they thought him as one of us. He was more popular than the DJ. This wasn't going to last of course - but for a brief time he was.
DERMOTT COLLINS
The night was great - the music - the crowd - one of the best parties of the summer of '88. No messing with this one – we hit 3 am, and went straight on going till the morning sunshine poked through skylight.
I had six grand in my sky rocket, and Jerry says to me - “Do you fancy a lift home?” “Sure,” I said, happily off me head and forgetting about earlier in the week - what could possibly go wrong?
JERRY ZMUDA
I didn't know how to work the air conditioning in my car and the windows were all steamed up, I was driving ultra slow. Of course, the drugs I'd taken weren't helping.
PETER WYATT
The inevitable happened - we get tugged by the Old Bill. Jerry gets out the car, his pupils the size of dinner plates. I know it's bad when I hear one of them say - “Look at him - it's a space cadet.”
JERRY ZMUDA
The policeman says to me - “Excuse me sir - you're driving is not very good is it?”
“I only passed my test a few days ago, ” I said trying to smile without gurning.
“You've been taking drugs – Sir.”
I haven't had a cunt all night drugstable. I nearly said, but just smiled and shook my head instead.
“Yes - you have, I can tell by your eyes.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
What the fuck do I do? The police start searching Jerry, what if they decide to search all of us?
JERRY ZMUDA
The policeman starts going through my trousers - and they are dripping wet, literally soaking wet with sweat.
“What the hell have you been doing tonight sir?”
“Dancing - it's sweat.”
“I really hope it is sweat, Sir.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
That's it - I'm off. I just ran and ran, faster than Ben Johnson on a ton of steroids. I hurdled over a fence, a dog barked. I jumped over another fence, nearly tripped, but kept on running until I came across a builders caff. Went in to catch me breath but I was making myself mighty conspicuous, so I dashed out of there and got a train home.
PETER WYATT
The two officers were so disgusted and distracted by Jerry's soaking trousers they didn't notice Dermott shooting off. I walked up to them - trying to act all clean and sober and said - “Excuse me gentleman, I'm a licensed cab driver - I am prepared to drive us all home.” And they went for it.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Moral of the story? If you want to be a big time drug dealer don’t hire Jerry Zmuda as your chauffeur.
WATCH OUT FOR THOSE LIFE STORY MERCHANTS
JERRY ZMUDA
I was dreading it - dreading it, but I knew he'd do it eventually. Peter brought up Botley. He collared me while I was dancing and he said - “I wish Botley had stayed around. He would have loved this scene.” He was right. E had brought me out of my shell - and made life rosier, I'm sure it would have done the same for Botley. Then the DJ played the Waterboys - Whole of the Moon - and I burst into tears.
DERMOTT COLLINS
One of the big hazards of the house scene was them life story merchants. I saw Jerry chewing some guy's ear - and all of a sudden the geezer slaps him on the head - pushes him away. “Fuck off - I don't want to hear your life story.”
JERRY ZMUDA
That never happened. Another one of Dermott’s fantasies. I was never a life story merchant. I was lost in the music, just wanted to dance. I was into the purity of it. I remember thinking to myself - why did I never think of doing this before? You just go out - not worried about pulling - and you just dance.
DERMOTT COLLINS
He couldn't dance either. Flapping around like an epileptic chicken. Peter he was alright - but after a few beans he'd always end up doing this punching-the-air like he's breaking down cardboard boxes. Me on the other hand - I moved my hips like a snake on heat. That's why they called me the Balearic Travolta
JERRY ZMUDA
Life was beautiful - the only thing that was missing was a girlfriend. Should I phone my ex Lydia? I pondered over this many times as I was dancing. I shut my eyes and imagined she was with me.
SHOOM SHOOM SHOOM ON A WEDNESDAY NIGHT
DERMOTT COLLINS
To get our regular dose of thrills and partying we travelled all over the place - but my best times were down the Dungeons, Leabridge Road RIP. All dark and moody - you just lost yourself for hours.
PETER WYATT
Thanks to the current bun and all that, you couldn't call the scene acid house no more. But another thing - within a few months of going out, they were legions of people walking around telling you that the scene had gone down the pan.
DERMOTT COLLINS
When they meant it was going shit, they meant more people are getting into it. I didn't care - the more people raving - the more people to sell drugs to.
JERRY ZMUDA
Shoom was starting up again - on a Wednesday night at Busbys. I had to go. Shoom was supposed to be legendary. We smiled our way in and I wasn't disappointed.
PETER WYATT
Rampling was made of the same stuff as Weller, the same energy. Swinging the records over his head - chanting into the microphone - as crazy as the craziest person on the dance floor. I wasn't on the cabs until tomorrow afternoon - I thought fuck it, I'll get on one.
JERRY ZMUDA
So we became Shoom regulars. A lot of the crowd were a bit older like us - early 20s - and I felt at home. I got myself on Jenny's mailing list, and I felt like one of the chosen people.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I'd walk out of Shoom and you'd be surrounded by people putting flyers in yer mitts - all colors of the rainbow, all shapes and sizes. But the one that really got my attention was this crappy scrap of a photocopy - with a rat drawn on it - really badly. It was “Ratpack presents Trip City”. I said to Jerry - this is the one we are going to.
JERRY ZMUDA
Trip City? Ted City more like.
DERMOTT COLLINS
A few months on the scene and he's already giving it the I-know-the score-seen-it-all-before act. “Don't be a Lionel” I said to him. “We are going to Trip City.”
JERRY ZMUDA
I said “OK - let's check it out - but don't let Danny and Jenny find out.” A few days later I told Danny all jokingly - like I've got a confession to make - and we laughed.
DERMOTT COLLINS
One night down Shoom I made the mistake of taking my T-shirt off. Bare-backing, showing off my tattoos. Jenny taps me on the shoulder and I go all sheepish and put my soaking T-shirt back on. In the next Shoom newsletter it reads - no bare-backing (Sorry Dermott).
I laughed it off - because Shoomers were the happy people. So I ended up having to go to Unit 4 - you know the score - for some guilty pleasures. Where I can bare-back with my brothers and not get told off.
JERRY ZMUDA
It was down Shoom that I bought a copy of Boys Own. It was funny - adding a healthy amount of cynicism to this scene. This I think was needed to put all this love and peace in context. I identified with it immediately.
DERMOTT COLLINS
“Can you feel it? Yes - but you'll never understand it.” What is there to understand? You pop a pill - you get excited and you dance for hours. That's it. You don't need to read Adolf Huxley to get it. People Like Jerry are always trying to complicate things.
JERRY ZMUDA
There's the song by Inner City where the lyrics go -
Once you've had that Good Life feeling,
Let me tell you no-one can ever take it away.
And it's so true - taking Ecstasy had filled me with a whole new feeling of gregarious bonhomie that was to stay with me for the rest of my life. But there's a flip side to every coin. In downtime, returning to my crummy Willesden Green bedsit I found myself, like Raskolnikov, dashing up the stairs to avoid speaking to my landlady. Not because I owed her rent - but because she liked to talk and talk and talk. Going on about her son's imminent wedding, trying to lock me into eye contact. It was hard to take when I could barely keep my eyes open.
Then that lot at work - their forced upbeat jollity was really grating. Little things like saying Hokey instead OK. Why? Why? Then talking in stupid Inspector Closeau cartoon French accent - for no reason. It got too much for me one Thursday afternoon – “SHUT LE FUCK UP!” I bellowed at the top of my lungs and stormed out.
But I came back Friday morning acting like nothing happened.
PETER WYATT
Jerry came to me with a problem. He wasn't fitting in at work. He had trouble talking to them. His supervisor would talk endlessly about her three year-old daughter and he'd just grin awkwardly not knowing what to say. I gave him a small-talk coaching session - you don't have to say anything clever, witty or original - just say something like - “Uh! They're really nice when they're that age.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
I said to him when your work-mates ask you what you got up to at the week-end just throw them off the scent with some hilarious jape. Say - “I'm going to score some pussy at the week-end.” They'll be stunned for a second and then follow up with - “Yeah I'm a judge at a cat show.” You can't fail with jokes like that.
JERRY ZMUDA
Peter's conversational gambit totally back-fired. The “Uh! They're really nice when they're that age.” Was perceived at having the most sinister connotations. As for the scoring pussy gag. I got the same reaction as if I'd sodomised a cat right in front of them. No-one spoke to me at work for weeks after that. With Wednesday now being such a big night, I was running out of Thursday morning excuses at work. Flu, ear infection - death in family - car accident. They were getting suspicious. I was now officially THE OFFICE WEIRDO.
THE END OF THE GREATEST YEAR EVER
PETER WYATT
New Years was coming up. The end of the greatest year ever and I was determined that Michelle was going to enjoy the celebrations with me. I said to her – “Get a baby-sitter I don't care how much she costs - we are going to the best ever Balearic Party in Fulham Studios.”
MICHELLE WYATT
I hadn't been out for ages - it was New Years Eve, so I said OK. I wasn't bothered either way.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Shame that the first ever rave Michelle went to was a total dud. The sound system blew up and the promoter had done a bunk. He was in Tenerife with the rest of the villains. It was Mary Shitehouse.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
Even my amp at home was louder than this. I said to the DJ – “Do you want me to go home and get it?” He said - “I don’t care, I’m off in a minute.”
MICHELLE WYATT
I came up on my pill just before midnight - the music was a distant thud in the background, I couldn't dance, so I just talked - and talked - and talked. I told Jerry how fanciable he was. God! I even told Dermott he was a good laugh.
JERRY ZMUDA
To be honest I was embarrassed. Michelle started going on about Septimus Grundy and how good we were. This is something we had NEVER mentioned at this point since our re-unification.
PETER WYATT
“Fuck this,” I said, “let's take this party somewhere else.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
I thought about me old man's building yard.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
I said great – “I’ll go and get me decks, amp and records.”
JERRY ZMUDA
I told a few people we were going to a party in a builders yard in Sunbury on Thames, and about fifteen people showed.
PETER WYATT
So we had a party there - from about 3 am till 9 am. We had to stop when Dermott's old man came in to do some work - he didn't mind too much.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Somebody asked us what the night was called. Like we were actually party organizers. So I made something up - Donkey Planet after the instrumental Septimus Grundy track.
MICHELLE WYATT
I was saying to the boys – “Come around anytime you want - I'll cook dinner for you. Next time you come out I'll come with you.”
It wasn't to be though. A couple of days later I found out I was pregnant - so I was saved.
PETER WYATT
I was thrilled to hear the news. I secretly hoped it was a boy, because I had a name planned.
DONKEY PLANET IS BORN
OLIVER MACINTOSH
I said to the boys – “We should do this Donkey Planet regular.”
PETER WYATT
I said - “I know - but Dermott's dad wouldn't let us use his yard.” Then Oliver said “No - I mean us put on a do somewhere else - with me as the resident DJ and give the night a name, something better than Donkey Planet.”
JERRY ZMUDA
I loved the idea - let’s do it.
DERMOTT COLLINS
There's gold in them thar hills. Let's show the world how to put on the best acid house party - our way.
PETER WYATT
I said – “Great - we'll meet later on in the week and have a full-on strategy meeting.”
OLIVER MACINTOSH
What started off as a shit New Year had turned out to be the best ever. I ended up DJing to an up-for-it crowd, and now I was promoting nights. Taking control of my own career. I called Peter a few days later to confirm the meeting, all raring to go - and he said - “Can we make it next week? I’m getting into watching the arrows on the telly.”
PETER WYATT
It's traditional, every January, first week after New Year - I watch the World Championship of Darts. Donkey Planet can wait.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
And we ain’t calling it Donkey Planet. I was gutted. I was a young gun raring to go, and I was having to wait on Peter watching the darts.
So once the darts was over, I finally got my meeting with Peter and the other two about doing the parties. I suggested meeting at the pub in Ealing that I was regularly Djing at. I felt 1989 was going to be my year. Dermott shows up to the meeting grinning stupidly and tells us that Ray Allan and Lord Charles were in the saloon bar next door. Why I don’t know – because they weren’t - but this pathetically amused Jerry no end.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I couldn't help it - the more seriously Oliver was taking it, the more I had to take the piss. I laid down my Tony Montana strategy - first we get the money - then we get the power - then we get the women. Olly was not laughing.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
I tried to get a proper discussion going.
The most important thing, I said, is the venue. Find somewhere that was safe, that the police wouldn’t bother raiding. Be discreet. I had ruled out doing a massive warehouse - that’s when Dermott said that would be “Cannon and Ball – Too Risky.“ Jerry goes - “Why Cannon & Ball?“
“It’s their catchphrase.”
“No it’s not – it’s Rock on Tommy”
“They had more than one catchphrase.”
I had to listen to them argue about Cannon & Ball catchphrases. That was it - that’s when I cracked.
PETER WYATT
He slammed his bottle of Bud on the table and said – “Listen you mugs I want to go places with us. You either take it seriously, or I fuck off now and I do this with another bunch of people.” That’s when the landlord asked us to leave.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Olly made such a show of us, these geezers came over, giving it the - “Don't come into our manor - acting the hard man. We won't stand for it.” Peter talks to them - I nearly said to them don't involve us - it's Olly.
JERRY ZMUDA
As you know I am not a fighter. But I would take a bullet for Peter, or a glass in the face. I saw this Marble denim clad type, tighten his jaw and grip his pint glass like he was ready to push it into Peter's face. I could not stand by. A split second's hesitance would be too late. I jumped the guy and pushed him into the ground. If you're going to glass anyone - glass me.
His mate starting kicking me, and then it seemed like the whole pub got involved.
DERMOTT COLLINS
In all the fracas I couldn't help noticing they were wearing marble denim. MARBLE DENIM!
PETER WYATT
I got hit a few times. The police arrived just as Dermott was picking up a chair. They grabbed him.
DERMOTT COLLINS
As soon as the Old Bill showed, my heart did a wobbly. I had two red and black capsules on me. They turfed me in the van - along with a couple of the Marb Denim crew.
JERRY ZMUDA
With Dermott carted off to the police station, Peter and I went there under our own volition to make sure he was OK.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
Fucking excellent. I come out for a meeting to further my career and instead I get myself banned from the pub I had a residency at.
DERMOTT COLLINS
See I always knew that geezer Olly was a wrong 'un. HE was the one who slammed his bottle down drawing attention. He was blaming me for it all. And I was the one on the way to the nick with two bits of CLASS A in me sky rocket. I tried to drop them in the van, but I figured they'd find them. I had to think fast. I had to be like Lord William.
PETER WYATT
I felt bad about the meeting not happening. Oliver wasn't working the next day, so I suggested coming round my house in the morning - without Dermott.
DERMOTT COLLINS
So I'm told to empty my pockets at Ealing nick. The two red and blacks come out. The rozzer goes - “What's this?”
I said all casual like - “It's for me Ear Infection, I have to take one in the morning, one in the afternoon.”
And he puts them away. Then he took my statement and threw me in the cell.
JERRY ZMUDA
They took statements from me and Peter. We intended to wait for Dermott's release, but the police told us that Dermott was going to “cool off” and enjoy their overnight hospitality, so we went home.
DERMOTT COLLINS
So I spend a night in the cells, I don't recommend it. I wanted to have a wank, release the tension, but the blanket was plastic and see through. Anyway up with the lark, comes the policeman - he's got a glass of water and my red and black capsule. “How's the ear infection? Time to take your tablet.”
OLIVER MACINTOSH
Can I ever escape him? I was round Peter’s talking about our plan for the next party, and Dermott shows up, rushing off his nut, with this fucking story about the police making him take his red and black capsule.
DONKEY PLANET AT THE FULHAM FOOTBALL CLUB
DERMOTT COLLINS
A lot of parties were getting raided at this time. You had the Sunrise and the Genesis but they were massive operations – and we couldn’t compete with that yet.
So I hatch meself a plan. They were doing regular dos in the function room of Chelsea Football Club, which we often went to. It was good – not amazing – but still good. So I figured with my Sherlock Holmes deerstalker on - if Chelsea have a got a function room you can hire, what about the other Football Clubs?
JERRY ZMUDA
Like it. Like it. So while I am at work, supposed to be teleselling, I phone up all the football clubs in London - Crystal Palace, Charlton, Millwall, Brentford. Telling them that my friend is a life long supporter and I want to hire their function room for his birthday party.
The chap at Fulham called me back and said – “What date do you want?”
“February 10th.”
“Can't do that date - booked up.”
“What other dates have you got?”
“Nothing till March 10th.”
“We'll take it.”
“Hang about. I thought you said this was a birthday party.”
“He's a life long Fulham fan and an easy-going fellow, he won't mind his birthday party being a month late.”
PETER WYATT
So we checked out the venue, it's alright. Just a normal function room - nice view of the river. Licensed till 2 am. I said – “How much to let it go on later?” He said - “Are you offering me a bribe to break my licence?” I said yes.
“Let's see how it goes on the night eh?” Then he goes to us - “Its not one of them acid house parties is it?”
JERRY ZMUDA
We signed the contract book, he gives me a photocopy. Our party career was beginning, I was ultra-excited. But it was on the tube home my worrying chip went into over-drive.
What have we let ourselves in for? In my training at work they told me to make a list of the things that were troubling me, and deal with them one by one. So I rolled out all the things that could go wrong -
1.Hardly anybody turns up - we lose loads of money.
2.Too many people turn up - but they're all dodgy.
3.Loads of people turn up but they think it's rubbish and want refunds.
4.The police raid it.
5.Nobody has any drugs.
6.The PA doesn't turn up.
7.The PA doesn't work.
8.A local criminal firm burst in with CS gas and steal all our money.
9.Our security firm is secretly a criminal firm and they attack us and steal all your money.
10.We're double booked with another night.
11.An enemy of Dermott turns up and starts trouble.
12.Somebody calls the police with a hoax bomb scare.
By the time I had got home I'd thought of dozens more worst case scenarios.
What the hell was I letting myself into? I called Peter to tell them we shouldn't do it.
PETER WYATT
Too late mate. The wheels are in motion. The Djs have been booked – so has the PA and security - the flyers have been designed and ordered. Donkey Planet is up and running.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
Donkey Planet? I thought we were calling the night 3000 AD, which was a reference to the track by Sterling Void Its Alright. ‘The Year 3000 may still come to pass.’
DERMOTT COLLINS
I told Lord William we were doing a night. He was chuffed for me. He said - “As soon as I saw you down Queens I knew you were going places.” It’s like the nicest thing anybody ever said to me.
OLIVER MACINTOSH
I said - “OK this what we do. This scene is getting too big too quickly and there are lot of dodge people around. We don’t blitz everywhere with flyers – we’re selective. Tell the right people. Build up a mailing list.”
That’s how the Ramplings do Shoom. Get a sensible crowd.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Sensible crowd? Are we organizing a conference for accountants? It’s a fucking rave! Let’s get as many unsensible people in as possible and make a shed load of money. So I was boshing out the flyers all over the shop.
PETER WYATT
In them days it was easy to get a crowd. Our problem was the other way around - too many showed.
DERMOTT COLLINS
A right horror show of a crowd an’ all. Some of them were even wearing Marble Denim! Marble Denim!
JERRY ZMUDA
At the end of the night, we split the money - about four hundred each as I recall. It wasn't a total disaster but none of us considered it to be a roaring success. The crowd was too random - Oliver was right. We panicked about filling the place and blitzed flyers everywhere when we should have been discreet.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I would have been around about this time that I started to get really into my Dogtanian.
