PART 5 - ‘MUDA THE BROODER
illustration courtesy of Carl Young aka Botley-Celli
l BRITISH STEEL
l PURPLE RA-RA SKIRT
l OUT OF THE ARMS OF LYDIA
AND BACK INTO THE CLUTCHES OF DERMOTT
l THEIR FIRST EVER INTERVIEW
l NEW YEARS EVE – A FREAK SHOW FOR FREAKS
l THE GILBERT AND SULLIVAN SCENARIO
l MAN ABOUT THE HOUSE – THE CREATIVE EPIPHANY
l SEND IN THE CLOWNS – THEY’RE ALREADY HERE
BRITISH STEEL
PETER WYATT
Dermott says to me - “They put bands on at the Feltham Football club. Why not give them a call?” After what happened at The Airman he'd passed on gig arranging responsibilities to me. So I phone up, and the manager goes -
“As it happens you can play this Friday, the support band has just cancelled.”
“Oh yeah? Who's the headline?”
“British Steel.”
“Never heard of 'em.”
JERRY ZMUDA
We turn up to Feltham Football Club and the headline band are sound-checking. But right away we sense something amiss. Was it because all the headline band had shaven heads? The union jack t-shirt on the guitarist? The Swastika tattoo on the lead singer' arms? Or was it the song they were singing? A charming little ditty. The lyrics made a lasting impression -
They try to brand us criminal, violent and psychotic –
But what they fail to realize –
We're just being patriotic.
British Steel - British Steel.
LYDIA DANCEY
I got a panicky call from a pay-phone. Jerry whispering
“Whatever you do, do NOT come to the gig tonight.”
“Why?”
“They're all Nazis!”
“Who?”
“The headline band, the entire audience - they're all Nazis.”
PETER WYATT
This lot were like the mob who came after us at Southampton train station.
BUCKLE AKA STUART MARTIN
I told them straight - there’s no point playing to an audience like this.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I said – “Why not? They might like us”. Then Botley chips in - “If they like us, we might get saddled with a following of Nazi skinheads coming to all our gigs – like Sham 69.”
BUCKLE AKA STUART MARTIN
These people are the arse end of humanity - they just spend all their time kicking people in. If we play - they’ll nick our equipment - they’ll gob at us.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Gob at us? I don't fancy that at all. Spreads germs. OK - let's call it off. But I couldn't leave without given them some kind of a performance. So I ran on stage.
PETER WYATT
We put all our equipment in the van, I left the van running as Dermott ran back in and onto the stage. He shouts into the mic “So what do you lot all think about the Pakis?”
DERMOTT COLLINS
I look out into the audience - a sea of boneheads and tattoos. They're puzzled - some shout back. Then I say –
“I think they add so much to our community. Just like us Irish.”
I was expecting an angry tidal wave of boneheads, but they just stared and scratched their heads. Like “what's he saying?” I exit stage left - and straight into Buckle's van and off we go.
JERRY ZMUDA
Just when I'm ready to write Dermott off as complete waste of time - he pulls something like that out of the bag. I loved him for that. We laughed merrily all the way home.
PURPLE RA-RA SKIRT
MICHELLE BAXTER
It wasn't the car stealing thing that split me and Terry up. It was actually all over a purple ra-ra skirt. I'd bought it from Top Shop and showed it to Terry - he hated it. But worse than that, he told me I was not allowed to wear it. Not in public not around the house - not ever. I told him to stick it. I was much too young to end up being “her indoors.”
TERRY SOUTH
Michelle stuck with me throughout the whole car stealing set-up. I really appreciated it. But the thing with Michelle was that she was still into going out - dancing, drinking. But I’d had enough of all of that. I mean you don’t want to be doing all of that in you’re twenties. You have to grow up - settle down. Otherwise - what’s the point?
MICHELLE BAXTER
So that was it. I moved out and went back to live with my parents. Having lived away from home for over a year, this was a real shock. Having my dinner cooked for me, having to eat it at set times, having to tell my folks when I’m going out - when I’m going to be back. Dad asking me to turn my music down because they're trying to watch Surprise Surprise. I couldn't hack it - I decided as soon as my course is finished I'm off out to get a job. Then Peter called.
PETER WYATT
I asked her out on a date. She said No - she had only just split with Terry and wasn't ready to start seeing anyone again. But I wouldn't take No for answer - I wasn't going to put that phone down until she said Yes.
MICHELLE BAXTER
I admired his persistence. Eventually I had to say Yes - but I said - “We’re just meeting for a drink OK? That’s it. This ain’t the start of anything.”
PETER WYATT
After seven years I was finally out on a date with Michelle. This is imy big chance. I needed to impress her. I would get a fancy suit and hire a car for the day.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I told him that if you need to impress Michelle - Cobra can steal you a Spaz Chariot to order. She'll find it hilarious. I mean who wouldn't?
JERRY ZMUDA
So where does Peter choose to take Michelle on his dream date? Ah! The Romance. Staines.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Get rid of unsightly Staines.
MICHELLE BAXTER
I was worried at first that Peter was going to be all creepy and intense - like “at last - we’re together.” But he wasn’t like that at all. He was very relaxed and he made me feel very relaxed.
PETER WYATT
We had lots to talk about, seeing as we both went to the same school. There was loads to catch up on. We met at this wine bar, and just talked and talked and talked.
MICHELLE BAXTER
Everything seemed right with Peter. So upbeat and cheery - and he loved my purple ra-ra skirt.
PETER WYATT
We missed the start of the film, and Michelle says - “There's place round here called Jacksons - they play Jazz Funk. I've always wanted to go.” I said of course.
MICHELLE BAXTER
When I first started seeing Terry he would take me to a lot of the soul and jazz funks dos, but after a while, he couldn't be bothered. Just wanted a pub and a pint - or staying home and watching the telly. But everything seemed reckless and spur of the moment with Peter.
PETER WYATT
My musical tastes have always been very open, and I liked what I heard at Jacksons. I heard a record with this amazing slap bass sound - I dash up to the DJ - “what's this mate?” “Level 42.” I was going to try a bit of slapping on my bass.
MICHELLE BAXTER
We danced and talked. Talked and danced. Of course we did a little bit of drinking in-between. It turns out he's still going around with those two loser clowns from Feltham School. The way he talked about his friends - real warmth. I was quite moved. I told him I thought they were pratts - I had to.
PETER WYATT
That night with Michelle, dancing in a club in Staines - one of the best nights of my life.
MICHELLE BAXTER
He walked me home and he asked me if I would see him again. I said of course. We kissed good-night and it felt so nice to be 18 again.
OUT OF THE ARMS OF LYDIA AND BACK INTO THE CLUTCHES OF DERMOTT
JERRY ZMUDA
Dermott said to me - “When your Lydia starts going to college in London, we can go up and see her.” I thought - Ah! No you don't.
DERMOTT COLLINS
So the sneaky sod goes up to the smoke to see his bird without telling Titus. Once again leaving us, the true heart and soul of The Grundy, to rehearse in the garage without him. A real shame - I were planning on giving The Wolf a come-back on the London college circuit.
LYDIA DANCEY
In my first year I was staying in the halls of residence. But the room I was in was really cramped. Like not big enough for a hunchbacked rat.
JERRY ZMUDA
I got on the train and watched the grey rooftops by Hersham station pass away in the distance. I was off to see my girlfriend in London town.
LYDIA DANCEY
It wasn't really an option to have Jerry stay in my bed, it was just a single and very small at that. My friend next door, had an inflatable double bed, and when her boyfriend had stayed last week - they'd both slept on that in the store room. Trouble was - they gave it a bit of a hard ride, and it now had a slow puncture.
JERRY ZMUDA
The night consisted of us, and two of her drab friends, going to some grim student union bar - thread-bare foam-filled chairs and dog-eared posters stuck with blue-tac. They had a juke-box and we all got drunk on snake-bite and black and the girls danced to Sister Sledge. Not that inspiring really, and hardly better than a Friday night out in Hersham. I told Lydia that - and she got all tetchy.
LYDIA DANCEY
The conversation with the girls turned towards the hated Thatcher - would the Falklands factor keep her in?
I was talking about Thatcher's monetarist policies, but Jerry seemed rather clueless. I got the impression he got all his political views from Jam lyrics and NME interviews with Paul Weller. I made the mistake of making a joke about this.
JERRY ZMUDA
I said something about the Tories and she said to me with that hiccupy derisory laugh - “Is that the gospel according to Paul – Paul Weller?”
I looked at her, I didn't see an 18 year old girl - I saw that frumpy middle-aged careers advisor. I told her to get lost - she'd shown her true colours.
LYDIA DANCEY
Jerry could never hold his drink, and that night he was a nightmare. Ranting on about how being a student wasn't that fantastic - and he was glad he failed his ‘A’ levels. I could tell that already he had terrible chip on his shoulder about it.
He was blind drunk by the time we got back to the halls of residence. I put him in the store room, and I thought about the slow puncture. If I slept on it with him, the bed would get deflated much sooner. So I left him to the air-bed and I slept in my own room.
JERRY ZMUDA
I wake up Saturday morning, in a freezing cold cupboard, aching all over because I'd been sleeping on a hard floor - the air bed had deflated right down. Lydia meanwhile had slept in the comfort of her room. Who wouldn't be annoyed?
LYDIA DANCEY
I look in on him to ask what he wanted for breakfast. And he greeted me by calling me a bitch. I shuddered - he'd never used that word before - and such venom. I tried to explain about the slow puncture, and how I was actually being considerate. But he wasn't listening. So we split up all over a puncture on an air-bed.
JERRY ZMUDA
Sleeping on the hard floor - it made me fume, it was treating me like dirt. I got that from my Mother, from school, from employers. I'd had enough. Lydia was a snob, looking down on me because I wasn't a student type like her. She had a photograph of me in her room. I ripped it up.
LYDIA DANCEY
He tells me he wants to break away from the suburbs - but he does nothing, absolutely nothing about it. The only pro-active thing he does is look for new things to whinge about. It was over - good riddance.
PETER WYATT
I was really sorry to hear that Jerry and Lydia had split up, I offered Jerry the chance to talk about it, and he goes on this ramble about student discos and air-beds. I tried to be a good listener but my mind was elsewhere. After all this time, Michelle and me were together.
JERRY ZMUDA
With Peter spending all his time with Michelle, I was now in one hell of a situation - out of the arms of Lydia and back into the clutches of Dermott. Talk about regression. I had Dermott trying to cheer me up with his Basil Brush impersonations, and me laughing like a drain. Monkey Time all over again. Cobra had lent us a Video Cassette Recorder. Girls - who needs 'em? Not when you've got a VCR.
DERMOTT COLLINS
We watched some pornos and hired some films from the shop, but we really got into taping and watching programmes over and over again. But Peter was missing out on all of this, he was out there in Michelle land.
JERRY ZMUDA
We watched The Jam on the Tube - over and over. Fawlty Towers as well. I was bent double with laughter. Then Dermott and I both got into the Young Ones - I saw a bit of myself in Rick - made me realize what a pratt I could be.
THEIR FIRST EVER INTERVIEW
JERRY ZMUDA
She was called Yvette - what a sweetheart. Big eyes, peroxide hair, and PVC mac - she came up to us after a gig at the King's Head, Putney, playing with her hair, fidgeting with enthusiasm.
DERMOTT COLLINS
She fancied me the most. They always do - being the Grundy sex symbol. I knew I was in there.
PETER WYATT
She wanted to interview us. Us? Septimus Grundy? Are you sure?
JERRY ZMUDA
Her fanzine was called NOTES FROM THE UNDERGROUND - she'd taken the title from the story by Doestevysky. I was really into this.
DERMOTT COLLINS
It was a bunch of photocopied pages stapled together.
JERRY ZMUDA
Of course I kept the interview - it was our first ever.
DERMOTT COLLINS
So she met us backstage and got out her dictaphone then and there - and off we went.
For a PDF of the fanzine interview - click here
TRANSCRIPT
There is strange atmosphere backstage at the Kings Head, Putney. The band Septimus Grundy have gone down well to a small but appreciative audience, but the boys are distracted. It seems Buckle their drummer has once again hastily said his good-byes and chosen not to stay for an après-gig drink with his fellow band-members. Dermott their fiery extrovert guitarist is speculating why.
DERMOTT COLLINS
It’s you (pointing a finger at Jerry the band’s singer.) You put him off. He thinks you’re a tosser.
JERRY ZMUDA
Why would he think I’m a tosser?
DERMOTT COLLINS
Why should he be different from anyone else?
Peter the band’s fair-haired and amiable bass player chips in.
PETER WYATT
He probably thinks we’re all tossers. But who cares? As long as Buckle does a good job.
YVETTE
So why do you call him Buckle?
DERMOTT COLLINS
After Fatty Arbuckle - the silent comedian. You know because he’s a bit on the large side.
YVETTE
That may be why then.
DERMOTT COLLINS
No - he thinks we call him Buckle on account of him wearing a large buckle
on his belt.
JERRY ZMUDA
So do you want to do this interview then?
YVETTE
We already are - the tape’s running.
JERRY ZMUDA
Can you please delete all that stuff about Buckle?
YVETTE
So what are your influences?
DERMOTT COLLINS
Alcohol, puff, cleaning fluid.
YVETTE
No I meant...
JERRY ZMUDA
We’re open to all influences, we’re not derivative of any...
DERMOTT COLLINS
Uh derivative.
JERRY ZMUDA
Shut up. For me it all began with Punk. That’s when I first got into music.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Yes the Electric Light Orchestra was the first band Jerry got into it.
JERRY ZMUDA
No it wasn’t.
DERMOTT COLLINS
He cried when his mother wouldn’t let him go to an ELO concert.
JERRY ZMUDA
Shut Up! This is supposed to be a serious interview.
PETER WYATT
I like disco and soul - as well as punk. We like all types of music and I hope it shows in what we play.
YVETTE
Thank you Peter.
JERRY ZMUDA
Just for the record - my sister once had an ELO record, which was kept in my room. I only played it a couple of times.
YVETTE
What do you think of the music scene of the eighties?
JERRY ZMUDA
We feel like outsiders, we feel disenfranchised by what’s going on around us. I’ve just written a song about this - the lyrics...
DERMOTT COLLINS
Me and Peter turn our instruments up really loud so you can never hear Jerry’s lyrics.
JERRY ZMUDA
Dermott! Shut Up! I was talking here. The Thatcher government has made us all feel alienated - we want nothing of this consumer culture...
DERMOTT COLLINS
I want to consume another lager. Going to the bar Jerry?
PETER WYATT
I’ll go.
YVETTE
No stay - I want to interview all three of you together.
DERMOTT COLLINS (shouting at the door)
Botley! Get us a pint of Hofmeister will ya? Lovely! Ta.
JERRY ZMUDA
We’re all being brain washed and conditioned into a way of thinking. Consumerism is like drug addiction - yes you get your highs - but ultimately it ends in.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Is he still going on about Thatcher?
YVETTE
He was on a roll on then. Come on Jerry you were saying.
JERRY ZMUDA
I can’t. He (points a finger at Dermott) is putting me off. Maybe we should do this alone - you know just us two.
PETER WYATT
Hey - super smooth.
YVETTE
No - I like to do all three of you together.
DERMOTT COLLINS
(unzipping his trousers) Why didn’t you say so before? You wanna see my dictaphone?
YVETTE
You know what I mean. It’s interesting to interview all the band members together, because then I get a picture of the group dynamic. So Jerry you were saying?
JERRY ZMUDA
Well I’ve written this song about how religion is fading away, and being replaced by the cult of consumerism.
YVETTE
So how do you feel about religion?
JERRY ZMUDA
I’m not into organized religion...
DERMOTT COLLINS
Stroll on. What the fuck does that mean? You’re into disorganized religion?
PETER WYATT
Yeah - you turn up to church and the vicar’s late and everyone’s got different hymn books.
Enter Botley with a tray of beers, to the sound of loud cheers.
DERMOTT COLLINS
(singing) I’m Botley don’t walk away from me.
PETER WYATT
Yvette meet Botley. He’s the heart and soul of this band. Ask him some questions.
BOTLEY
Pleased to meet you.
YVETTE
So what do you do Botley?
BOTLEY
They’re my friends. I go to the gigs, watch them rehearse. I have lots of fun.
Meanwhile Jerry and Dermott are rowing over Dermott’s supposedly ruining a serious interview.
YVETTE
So what have you got to say about Sepitmus Grundy?
BOTLEY
They could be the best band in the world, if only they stopped squabbling.
NEW YEARS EVE – A FREAK SHOW FOR FREAKS
PETER WYATT
1982 had been a brilliant year. What with Michelle coming into my life, and Septimus Grundy playing live, I thought I'd celebrate it by having a New Year's Eve Party. I didn't want to hold it at the flat in Egmont - it'd get wrecked. So I held it in the lock-up garage where we rehearsed as that was pretty wrecked already.
ROY HOOKE
I visited Peter with Veronica at Christmas, he seemed really cheerful and I got to meet Michelle. He was right, she was a smashing lady. He mentioned his New Years Eve party - and half heartedly invited me. I knew it wasn’t a real invite, but I was pleased to get it none the less.
MICHELLE BAXTER
I'm telling you that New Years' Eve party at the garage was a freak show for freaks. Sam and the girls were having their own party over in Bedfont, but out of loyalty to Peter I had to go to his. You had Botley - I never got the Botley thing, and this long-haired one they called Smike - he was the one who had all the drugs.
PETER WYATT
I'd really gone to town with this party, laid out a spread, and decorated the garage with a Christmas tree and paper chains. Botley put up some of his paintings.
JERRY ZMUDA
We had a big row over Smike's name. It was me that called him that in the first place. It was because at Feltham he looked like a Dickensian urchin - so Smike out of Nicholas Nickleby.
DERMOTT COLLINS
It was because his real name was Gary Carmichael. Michael - so Mike. Then Smike cos he smoked pot all the time. Thing is, Smike couldn't remember himself - that's puff for you. Then Jerkski starts sulking.
MICHELLE BAXTER
That monster Cobra was there, but thankfully someone told him the Molesey boys were going to show, so he left early. As soon as Septimus Grundy played a live set - Buckle bailed. He was only the sane one there. We were left with the weirdo convention. I couldn't understand Peter hanging around with them.
PETER WYATT
It gave me a happy glow to see all my friends together at New Year.
MICHELLE BAXTER
It was doing my head in. Dermott had obviously taken something, he was even stranger than normal. The argument now was why Bungle the Bear out of Rainbow wears a towel over his bits when he comes out of a shower, when he's naked the rest of the time. This really rattled Botley's cage. Then Peter stopped the music and did this little speech - and he came over all warm and fatherly. I realized that despite all this nuttiness around him, I was falling in love with him.
PETER WYATT
Jerry didn't seem too happy, he went over to the flat to use the phone.
LYDIA DANCEY
My parents had just bought an ansafone for Christmas - they had been waiting for their first message. We got a slurred drunken message at around 1 AM from Jerry - telling me that he missed me. Not a good way to create a good impression with my parents.
JERRY ZMUDA
I remember feeling sorry for myself and talking to Botley about dieing young. About leaving the party early. Leaving before it got boring. Not wanting to get old. Those stupid adolescent words to Botley will haunt me for the rest of my life.
THE GILBERT AND SULLIVAN SCENARIO
ROY HOOKE
I had a well-paid, respectable job - a sales Manager for a shipping company. But my God it was boring - oppressive even. My amateur dramatics was my escape and of course this was where I met Veronica - the love of my life. My big break for the Manor Players came when they gave me the part of Pooh Bah in the Mikado. It was the day of my first performance, and I was at work. The clock on the office wall hit four and I was so excited, in my mind I was already on that stage singing to the blue rinse brigade of Sunbury-On-Thames. The Managing Director came in to my office and says that there’s a crisis with a shipment that needed sorting.
PETER WYATT
Mum asked me to go and see Roy sing at the Church Hall in Sunbury. I said - “OK, if I have to. Can I bring my mates?”
ROY HOOKE
I had to work late, it got close to 7 and I was getting anxious, I asked my MD if I could be excused - if somebody else could stay late to deal with this problem. He asked me why. I told him. He said –
“You have to decide what’s more important. Your job - or your amateur dramatics.”
JERRY ZMUDA
Gilbert O' Sullivan? No thanks. You have to draw the line somewhere.
PETER WYATT
The place was full of old dears moaning and moaning because the curtain was supposed at go at half seven and it was now gone eight. Then eventually Roy came on - he was very good - he trembled a bit when he sang - but he had a good set of lungs on him. Not my kind of music obviously. We went to see him back-stage after the show.
ROY HOOKE
I was delighted that Peter had come along - he was even polite enough to tell me I was good.
I told him I hope I was good. I sacrificed a lot to be here tonight. In the aftermath I was sacked at work and had to rent out my house. So I had to move into Egmont with Veronica.
DERMOTT COLLINS
When Roy and Veronica moved back, it was assumed that me and Jerry would move out. No fuckin' way. We'd been here ages - we had our rights.
JERRY ZMUDA
It made me feel awkward having Roy and Veronica round all the time, but I couldn't go back to my parents. I really was persona non grata there.
ROY HOOKE
Sharing a flat with that lot put a real strain on my relationship with Veronica. She lost a lot of warmth towards me. I tried making a joke about it - “Saying you’re the sole bread winner now - can you handle it?” Not amused. It gave me a jolt to get a new job sharpish. And eventually I did - another shipping job. I rented somewhere for me and Veronica to live. But one good thing came out of all this.
PETER WYATT
He blew a well-paid respectable job to perform his music. I respected that. Even though it was some soppy Gilbert O'Sullivan nonsense - I respected the choice he made.
DERMOTT COLLINS
There was a big huff of relief when Roy landed himself a new job and moved out.
MAN ABOUT THE HOUSE – THE CREATIVE EPIPHANY
PETER WYATT
I got a phone call from my old man saying - “Did you see me on Top of The Tops last night?”
“No I didn't. What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Yes I was doing that record Shipbuilding.” Of course he meant Robert Wyatt - who had the same name as me old man. Only Dad goes by the name of Bob. Bloody fool! This got me thinking.
JERRY ZMUDA
Peter came to me with some scribbled lyrics he wanted help with. First time ever he'd written anything down. It was called Man About The House.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I thought Peter's song Man About The House was a dig at Jerry. About how he used to pretend to have seen the TV programme just to get in with the kids at school. But it were a lot more personal than that.
JERRY ZMUDA
The lyrics as I recall went something like this -
You're just a tinny phone on the phone,
Stupid jokes make me groan,
Geoff Hurst is not your mate - neither am I,
I can barely look you in the eye
You let us down, you foolish clown.
You left me to be The Man About the House
I looked at Peter and said – “This is all about your Father isn’t it?”
PETER WYATT
I was quite proud of that song, it sounds up-beat with a strong bass-line, but if you listen to the lyrics – it’s well bitter.
JERRY ZMUDA
So Peter's song got me asking myself the question –
What is really going on in my life?
What are the real issues in my life?
I realized it was stuff like - losing Lydia, Cobra driving a wedge between me and my oldest friend. And him of course - Dermott Collins - whose shadow I have lived under for so long. And If I wanted to write lyrics that was true to my heart, it should be about things like this. That's when I had my creative epiphany - I wrote (There Goes A Man Walking) The Wrong Road and Feltham Made Me.
PETER WYATT
Jerry sung us his new songs. Half way through (There Goes A Man walking) The Wrong Road - he starts yelling into the microphone, like yelling at the top of his lungs. I felt the hair at the back of my neck stand on end. At last he was singing from the heart.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I knew that song Wrong Road was about me - straight off. So I answer back with my own song about Jerry called - Everybody thinks Zmuda Is A Cunt. Yes We Do - Yes We Do - Yes We do.
JERRY ZMUDA
The song Feltham Made Me was my five years at secondary school, crammed into a three minute pop song. It starts off with me on that first day, frightened and intimidated, but builds in confidence, and by the end, that thing I was so scared of is now a part of me, a part of my character. The lyrics goes like this...
You see a place that’s bleak,
But this is home to me,
And I’m here to say -
Feltham Made me,
What I am today.
PETER WYATT
I now saw Jerry in a new light. I never knew he had all of this in him.
DERMOTT COLLINS
'Muda' the brooder is always trying to find stuff to mope about. When we were kids, I remember going round for him and his Mum's at the door - “Jerry can't see you today - he's too upset because Petra the Blue Peter dog has died.” I mean for fuck's sake.
THE BIG LOG (OWNER OF TERRAPIN STUDIO)
I got a phone call from Peter Wyatt – all up-beat and enthusiastic - “We’ve got some great new songs we are simply dieing to put on a demo.”
I said - “That’s great boys - you know my rate, once your cheque is cleared I’ll book you in.”
I had to admit it - the new songs showed real progress and I was really impressed with how they had got so musically proficient in such a short space of time. Peter flashed a grin at me and says - “We don’t get out much!”
PETER WYATT
The new songs on the demo were - Wrong Road, Man About The House, An E and two Fs, Feltham Made Me and a totally re-worked version of London After Midnight.
DERMOTT COLLINS
This new version of London After Midnight had an ace intro - with sound effects of the big city at night - passing cars, police sirens - then the bass and drums kick-in - absolutely amazing. Best of all me and Peter give it loads of backing vocals. We sounded like The Clash!
THE BIG LOG
They even dressed differently - they were smartly turned out. There was definitely something about this lot - they now looked like a band going places.
PETER WYATT
And Jerry's vocals wasn't the weak link anymore.
Can I describe it as an English Neil Young? OK perhaps not. And Dermott - well Dermott was now a wizard. On An E and two Fs - he'd start off with choopy bar-chords - stop and then pick at the strings...it was breath-taking...
JERRY ZMUDA
After we'd finished the demo, amazing though it was - we still faced the same old problem. Who do we send it you? Who the hell cares? I sent a copy to John Peel with a hand-written covering letter about how much his show meant to me. It went like this –
Dear John,
Listening to your show late at night has kept me out of the pubs and away from the off licences. For that I am eternally grateful. Now we are proud to make our humble contribution to the world of music. Here is our latest demo. Hope you like it. Thank you for everything
Lots of Love Jerry (Septimus Grundy).
SEND IN THE CLOWNS – THEY’RE ALREADY HERE
JERRY ZMUDA
Euphoria! That's how I felt after we recorded these new songs. Pure Euphoria! Treasure that moment - it's not something you feel every day. Now I was itching, to play these amazing new songs to an audience.
I asked Peter to set up a local gig at the Hand & Spear in Weybridge, just near Brooklands - Lydia's old college. Pathetically, I was hoping she would show up.
PETER WYATT
We got a decent crowd last time we played there. So the owner was happy to have us back. The crowd is even bigger this time. Some of the Brooklands lot, mostly girls came along - and some of the Molesey chaps had showed. Me and Dermott looked great in this clobber Cobra had given us. Like a band of casuals.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Jerry on the other hand looked a total spaz in this Joy Division trench-coat and a home-made Polska t-shirt.
JERRY ZMUDA
I felt a spiritual yearning to get closer to my Polish roots, discover a new identity. I tried talking to my Father, but he wouldn't even give me the time of day. I wanted him to contact one of our uncles about sending me a Polish football shirt. Nothing doing - so I made my own.
PETER WYATT
We were getting ready to go on stage when I clocked this geezer with a beard - staring like Charlie Manson at Jerry and Peter. I said – “Do you know him?”
JERRY ZMUDA
It was Mr. Heyward our old form teacher from primary school. I went up to him with a smile, but he just glared back.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Then we got on stage. Jerry's about to sing but Mr. Heyward rushes up the front and grabs the mic out of Jerry’s mitts. He starts shouting - “Send in the clowns - they're already here.” Shouting not singing.
JERRY ZMUDA
We just stopped playing, looked at him and laughed. The audience thought it was part of the act. Then he said - “Now you know what it's like to have your performance wrecked. That's karma.” He jumps off the stage and walks out into the night.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Everyone's clapping - though they weren't sure what they had seen.
MR. HEYWARD
I was trying to make a point. But people like that - they just don’t get it. God I hope they die!
DERMOTT COLLINS
We couldn't stop laughing about it afterwards - we were singing Send In the Clowns in the van back home.
PETER WYATT
The rest of the gig was a blinder. Towards the end of Feltham Made Me, we were all supposed to play out the riff that Dermott had come up with. We're doing this, but then Jerry grabs the mic and starts singing
“Never had too much to sing about before,
but tonight tonight tonight Feltham Is Mine,
Feltham Is Mine, Feltham Is Mine, Feltham Is Mine.”
We even had people in the audience singing along. Then Botley got on stage with us and started bashing his tambourine. I looked over at Dermott and we grinned at each other - we'd cracked it.
To go to Part 5 (b) The Last Record Sale click here
