PART 4(B) - AFTER SCHOOL - WHAT Now?
l MOONBOOTS IN MOLESEY
l HEY! HEY! WE’RE THE GRUNDY
l THE JAM SECRET GIG
l GREAT EXPECTATIONS WITH LYDIA
l A BOTLEY CREW
l AIN’T YOUR MUM GOT NO GHERKINS?
l BACK TO THE OLD SCHOOL
l THE BIG LOG SHED SESSIONS
l OPERATION MICHELLE - THE STRATEGY MEETING
l A FRIGHTENED WOLFF
l LYDIA CHOMPING AT THE BIT
l LOSING OUR MUSICAL VIRGINITY
l CARPET STAIN ANTHOLOGY
MOONBOOTS IN MOLESEY
DERMOTT COLLINS
I'd planned on spending another Friday night in practicing on the geetar, when I get a call from Cobra. “I'm going over Molesey tonight. I need you to come with me.” I had to go - I was in the Brotherhood of the Snake.
PETER WYATT
I'd heard a number of times Cobra mention his 'fence' in Molesey. I played football once a week with some lads from Molesey - they all knew Cobra.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Cobra's driving soundtrack at the time was Suspect Device by Stiff Little Fingers. We're singing along, going fairly mental, when Cobra turns to me -
“Are you ready for things to get a bit tasty later on?”
“What's that Cob? You taking me to a restaurant?”
“No you plank” he said “it's likely to kick off. We are going into enemy territory.”
JERRY ZMUDA
Molesey is a residential area just by Hampton Court. It's actually green and pleasant, but it's got this reputation.
DERMOTT COLLINS
So me and Cobra are in this pub, propping up the bar and this geezer walks in with his mates. He's all Pringled up, smart looking. He goes to up to Cobra –
“You've got some front showing up here.”
Then he points over to me and says - “Who's this Cobra? The boyfriend?”
Cobra replies - “So what if he is? At least he's not wearing moonboots.” Moonboots? What the fuck is going on?
PETER WYATT
I got a lot of pointers about how to dress from the Molesey boys. I don't know if they were being called casuals then, I remember the term dressers being used a lot.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Moonboots? Moonboots? What the fuck is going on? They start talking - it's looking bad - I offer to buy them both a drink. The Molesey boy accepts., but Cobra waves me away. Then a big platoon marches in, but instead of khaki and army gear this lot are decked out in Sergio Tacchini, Pierre Cardin, Henri Lacoste. It was like a walking talking shop window. I look down at my hands - are they shaking? Better not let Cobra see. Then Cobra and this Molesey lad shake hands - then they hug. Friends again. Phew! I ask Cobra –
“So what's this all about? A drug deal? Someone's a grass? What?”
He tells me - last week-end this Molesey boy's girlfriend turned up wearing Moonboots and Cobra took the piss. The girl was crying and Cobra refused to apologize.
“You don't do it,” he said “you don't let your girlfriend show you up by wearing Moonboots.”
Anyway it's all blown over now - thank fuck. They call last orders - Cobra and me get in the car, he drives by the pub and the Molesey boy is outside with about a dozen of his mates, Cobra pulls up and rolls the window down - sticks his head out. He yells –
“This geezer's girlfriend wears Moonboots - and he lets her get away with it. Moonboots!”
And speeds off. I was quaking, realizing I was going to have to avoid the Molesey area for quite some time.
HEY! HEY! WE’RE THE GRUNDY
ROY HOOKE
I’d arranged to go to an Italian restaurant with Veronica and I called round for her. To my dismay she was late at the hairdressers and Peter was in on his own. So I sat in the living room alone with him, and it was tense - real tense. I asked him, just to cut the silence – “How’s it going?”
PETER WYATT
I don't why - but I just blurted it all out. I told him about Michelle - the new car, the laughter - and he listened.
ROY HOOKE
Peter said that he had tried to talk to his two best friends, but neither of them knew anything about the opposite sex. I told him that I was hardly an expert. Now this was really difficult, but I was delighted the ice was thawing.
PETER WYATT
He told me – “Don't get angry - get even. Girls will always judge you on how much money you earn, the car you drive, your status in life. That's just how they think and you won't change that. Be patient. Work hard and get yourself a decent car.” I don't know if I agreed with everything he said, but at least he listened and came up with something.
ROY HOOKE
A few weeks after that, myself and Veronica sat down with him. We told him Veronica wanted to move out of Egmont Court and live with me. He is more than welcome to come and join us.
PETER WYATT
I turned them down. I still wasn't happy about all of this, and besides I liked the idea of having the flat at Egmont all to meself.
JERRY ZMUDA
It's normally the teenage son that moves out - not the mother.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Uh Wah Hah Hah! It's Monkey time! Me and Jerry practically moved in when Peter's Mum moved out. The first couple of weeks were insane - blaring music out of the window late at night, getting Smike and all our reprobate buddies round. We were like Cheech and Chong, but we weren't fucking hippies and we listened to The Jam.
JERRY ZMUDA
A few weeks later, Peter made us look around the place and handed us some dustbin bags and J clothes - it's time for a tidy up. He was right - the place had become a filth-ridden mosaic of beer cans, Mars bar wrappers, cigarette ends. Stink - and dust everywhere.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Ha! You thought I was going to be the slob. But no. What with not having a mother and all that - Dad always made sure I cleaned up and tidied after myself. He was very strict on that, he made all the brothers do it. Jerry on the other hand was throwing his dirty clothes on the bathroom floor and wondering why they didn't appear as if by magic all fresh and clean in the clothes draw.
JERRY ZMUDA
I used to think that when Mother used to wash my clothes each time after I'd worn them, she was doing it just for the sake of it. I didn't realize quite how smelly you can get.
PETER WYATT
I laid down the rules, you can stay here as much as you like - but you have got to keep the place clean and tidy. Yep! I even set up a cleaning rota.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Peter was the Man About The House - whatever he said went.
FRANK COLLINS (Dermott’s Father)
I knew Peter - he was a sound lad. I knew that while Dermott was staying round there, he wasn’t doing drugs or thieving.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I saw a future of us living forever altogether in that house - having wild adventures like the Monkees.
“Hey!Hey We're the Grundy! People say we Grundy around!”
PETER WYATT
Pretty soon we were decorating the place – our way. Grant from Record Scene gave us loads of old record promo material - posters and stuff.
DERMOTT COLLINS
He gave us a life-size cardboard cut-out of Walt Jabsco the Two Tone guy. That held pride of place in the living room over the TV.
JERRY ZMUDA
Every day was fun filled. Laughter was easy and unabating. Even mundane events like going to the shops, going to the Kentucky or doing the cooking. Living together had brought us closer - this was our honeymoon period.
THE JAM SECRET GIG
DERMOTT COLLINS
'Course one of the reasons me and the lads were practicing on our instruments so much was because there was fuck all to do round these parts. The only thing on for the youngsters was the Walton Hop - which is fine if you don't mind getting buggered by a bunch of dirty old geezers. Think Jerry went a few times.
JERRY ZMUDA
I never went to the Walton Hop - not my scene at all.
DERMOTT COLLINS
So imagine our excitement when we hear that the Jam were doing a series of secret gigs in their home town of Woking - just a short jaunt down the railway track. We just had to be there.
PETER WYATT
The Jam playing a secret gig in Woking? And somehow we've been tipped off? This has got to be worth checking out.
JERRY ZMUDA
Then I had a brainwave. We should use this gig to further the career of Septimus Grundy. Make a tape and give a copy of it to one of The Jam over a pint.
DERMOTT COLLINS
So we went about recording our four best songs - hang on - our four only songs, in the garage. Don't laugh, but I think we even slung on the theme tune from Rainbow.
JERRY ZMUDA
We recorded a shambolic version of a dire song called Hullo Cruel World. It sounded like a cat drowning in the bath. But we thought it was amazing and was obviously going to get us a support slot on the next Jam tour.
PETER WYATT
We went down there early in the day to make sure of getting in. Turns out this secret gig wasn't that much of a secret. Half the kids in Surrey had put on their bowling shoes and got there before us.
DERMOTT COLLINS
In no time the pub was packed to the rafters - mostly kids dressed like mods. Some kids were trying to get in through the toilet windows. I was pushing them back - saying “Sorry there's too many in already.”
PETER WYATT
There's Weller over there dressed up in a smart boating blazer - talking away to some kids - but we couldn't get over there. It was so packed, I couldn't even lift my arms to scratch my nose. Then I see Dermott's talking to Buckler. The band go on stage and I said to Dermott – “Did you tell him?”
DERMOTT COLLINS
Tell him what? About the band? Shit I totally forgot.
JERRY ZMUDA
The gig was fantastic - being so close to our favourite band, I could actually see the hair on Paul Weller's nose, the spit fly as he sang out the words. After the gig we went to the bar next door to cool off, and there was the manager John Weller - unmistakable with his blond quiff. This was our chance. I gave the tape to Peter and said – “You do the talking.”
PETER WYATT
John Weller was very nice. He tells me straight - “I get loads of young bands trying to get support slots with The Jam.” He'd try to give it a listen, and try and get Paul to listen to it and all - but he couldn't promise anything. He holds up the tape and read out the name of the band on the label. SEPTIMUS GRUNDY - just to hear him say out loud the name of my band was an honour.
JERRY ZMUDA
Peter's phone number was on the label on the tape. We waited for the phone to ring.
Nothing.
GREAT EXPECTATIONS WITH LYDIA
LYDIA DANCEY (friend of Magdalena, Jerry’s sister)
So how did I get to be the brainy bird? At what point? Is it too late to switch? I fancy being the sexy girl for a change. I blame all those books I was reading when I was 12 - and now at 16, I'm type-cast. I'm going to start dressing sexy - that's it. But what if they laugh?
NATALIE ZMUDA (Jerry’s mother)
Alarms bell started ringing again when Jerry’s report came through. A litany of mediocrity - and most disappointing of all - he was struggling with his English. If he was going to pass his ‘A’ levels - he needed extra tutoring. Magdalena had a friend who was studying her ‘A’ levels in Brooklands - she was a star in English Lit. I asked her if she’d like to help Jerry - and obviously I’d pay her for her trouble.
LYDIA DANCEY
So I bought this top, well it was more like a string vest. I thought if I wore a bikini bra underneath - it might set a few male pulses racing. This is what I was wearing when I went round to give a lad called Jerry Zmuda a tutorial in English Literature.
JERRY ZMUDA
I couldn't concentrate, she was talking about Dickens and Great Expectations and while she made it interesting, I had Great Expectations of my own. I kept looking at her bra, her tanned chest heaving through that vest. Fantasising about cupping her breasts in my hands.
LYDIA DANCEY
I could see his hard-on through his trousers - I wanted to stroke it. Then he jumped me. We became a fireball of exploding pent-up teenage sexuality, we literally ripped each other's clothes off.
JERRY ZMUDA
Then I remembered - Oh-my-God. Mum is downstairs.
LYDIA DANCEY
So we forgot about Dickens for the rest of that afternoon. We did it quietly - slowly so his Mum wouldn't hear. Jerry grunted a few times and I bit my lip, then I bit his arm - and he yelped in pain.
JERRY ZMUDA
Her smell, her taste - I was in the wonderful world of all things female. And I felt fully accepted. I held her in my arms and studied her, every little freckle, every little spot - I just took all of her in. I felt privileged to be close up to someone so beautiful.
We talked afterwards. She told me she had written a novel when she was fifteen and she was about to send it out to publishers.
LYDIA DANCEY
Such a lovely boy! Plunging cheek-bones to die for. I wanted to tell him everything. I told him about my dreams of living the wild life in the big city and leaving the dreary suburbs behind.
JERRY ZMUDA
Her novel was called Radiate Sunshine and was all about a young girl who runs away to the big city and becomes a world-wide fashion icon. It was based on this girl called Edie Sedgwick who used to hang out with the Velvet Underground. “It sounds fantastic, can't wait to read it,” I said.
“You'll be the first one,” she replied, and I felt very honoured.
LYDIA DANCEY
After I told him all about Radiate Sunshine, he's looking at me adoringly. Then he pulls open the bottom drawer. I thought he was going to show me his porno mag collection. But no - it was an exercise book of his teenage angst-ridden lyrics. It really was a case of - I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.
A BOTLEY CREW
JERRY ZMUDA
I used to see Botley once in a while at school - said Hello - but we'd basically lost touch. I felt bad because every time I saw him, he was alone.
PETER WYATT
We were down the pub watching the Home Internationals and Smike came in asking - had we heard what Botley had gone and done?
JERRY ZMUDA
Some of his classmates had decided to have an end-of-term summer outing to Hampton Court, and Botley had found out about it - but it seemed they didn't really want him to go.
DERMOTT COLLINS
So they're all at Hampton Court, having a look round and Botley goes for a slash and these fuckers go and hide - to try and lose him. Botley comes out of the toilet all upset and goes looking for his so-called buddies that have deserted him. He finds them in the pub by the river. They’re all laughing and he goes up to them, he punches one kid in the kidneys, throws a chair at another kid and then knocks him in the river. Then he throws a pint over the girls and all through it he's shouting “I'M BOTLEY! I'M BOTLEY!”
PETER WYATT
This was classic. We just had to hear this from the horse's mouth. So I bell him up. He’s all sheepish, and I ask if he fancies coming out for a beer.
JERRY ZMUDA
He seemed really moved when we met him. After this incident he must have thought he was going to be branded forever a weirdo, and no-one was going to talk to him ever again. But his freaky behaviour found solid friends and admirers in us three. I wrote a song in tribute to him called I'm Botley. It went like this -
I'm Botley,
Don't walk away from me.
I’m Botley.
You don't even know me.
Just gimme a chance,
- gimme a chance,
Give me a chance to know you.
It had a real angry punk rock rage to it.
AIN’T YOUR MUM GOT NO GHERKINS?
PETER WYATT
In all weathers we played our music in that ramshackle lock-up garage. In the winter we froze our nuts off - and in the summer we baked to a frazzle - but there was no place on earth I'd rather be. And that's where Septimus Grundy really came alive in the summer of '81.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Saturday mornings were sheer bliss! Peter would open up the garage, sling the kettle on. We'd chat, play some records and then pick up our instruments and jam. All day just playing along. In the afternoon Botley and Smike would come over, and we'd play for them. Buckle, I mean Stuart had made all the difference.
JERRY ZMUDA
Saturdays were wonderful - in the morning playing with the boys and in the afternoon - another “English” session with Lydia.
BUCKLE AKA STUART MARTIN
I was really starting to enjoy jamming with the boys. I had helped to improve their playing and they treated me with a lot respect. They even gave me a nick-name - Buckle. On account of the large buckle I wore on my belt.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Little did he know.
BUCKLE AKA STUART MARTIN
I would play music with these boys - but I would never, I mean never, go out with them socially. Peter was always suggesting gigs to go to, but each time I politely made my excuses.
LYDIA DANCEY
Jerry would often talk about the boys, tell me about what they got up to - and I was intrigued. I was dieing to meet them, but Jerry seemed reluctant.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Jerry told us he had a girlfriend. We didn't believe him.
LYDIA DANCEY
Kay was a friend of mine from class at Brooklands - her parents were moving into a large house in St. George's Hill. Only the ultra-wealthy can afford a house there.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Me old man did some building work in St. Georges Hill. Mansions bigger than schools, he told me, but obviously not 'orrible like Feltham.
PETER WYATT
St. Georges Hill - home to the rich and famous. The Beatles used to live there - or at least John Lennon and Ringo Starr did. I heard that you would often see the music hall comedian Tommy Trinder walking his lion.
LYDIA DANCEY
So when Kay invited me to come over and have a look at the new house, I jumped at the chance. Her parents hadn't moved in yet - they had the decorators in, and the carpet hadn't been laid down. But it was spectacular. It was modern, split level, with this wonderful marble spiral staircase in the middle. I instantly pictured a swinging sixties gathering with Peter Sellers, Jean Shrimpton and David Bailey. I said to Kay – “You simply must have a party here.”
So I feel somehow responsible.
JERRY ZMUDA
Life is bewildering enough when you're a teenager. You've got raging hormones, and all the stress about finding your place in the world. You don't need drugs to throw into the mix.
LYDIA DANCEY
Kay said - “The party would give us the chance to meet your new boy-friend that you're telling me so much about.”
JERRY ZMUDA
I'd planned to spend Saturday afternoon with Lydia, while the rest of Septimus Grundy practised without me. I felt bad, so I called them and said – “Do you boys fancy coming to a party in a big house in the Hills this evening?”
PETER WYATT
Smike came round the garage that afternoon. Under his arm he had a Brian Eno album he wanted to 'open us up to.’ He also had a bag of these things he called Magic Mushrooms.
DERMOTT COLLINS
It was always nice to get a visit from Smike.
PETER WYATT
It was a hot and sunny afternoon, we started on these mushrooms not thinking too much about it - pretty soon the craziness began. Dermott said “Uh! Me Rockfords” impersonating a friend of his Dad's. It's rhyming slang - Rockford Files - Piles. We all laughed like lunatics and we found that we couldn't stop.
DERMOTT COLLINS
One minute we're talking about getting the right bass sound for Peter. Then I see little traces of things moving out of the corner of my eye. I thought they were rabbits. Then all was madness. Then Botters shows up. It seemed a shame to have him miss out on the fun - so Smike obliged with a few more of them mushrooms. Then Botley starts drawing in spray paint on the wall - it was like a kid's drawing - you know from primary school.
He drew a sad-faced dog, a grinning wolf and a large orange bear.
PETER WYATT
It was his picture of us. How he saw us. Jerry was the sad-faced dog, Dermott the laughing wolf and I was the big bear. I was touched - I'd stopped laughing, now I was crying, crying with the beauty of it. I told Botley I loved him, and then I told him that his drawing would be the front cover of our album. Then we all started laughing again.
JERRY ZMUDA
Lydia and I got to the party early and I was mightily impressed - real luxury. A world away from the egg-box coloured semi-detacheds of Sunbury, or the hovel that is Egmont.
PETER WYATT
It got to about 6, and I said – “Get your glad rags on lads, we're going to a party in the Hills.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
Peter said we have to bring a bottle or something. I grabbed a can of lager from the fridge. I gave it a proper shake and we walk all the way there. A coupla miles.
PETER WYATT
And all the way there, Dermott is kicking this can of lager along the street. “Just wait till this baby goes off,” he kept saying. I swear I saw him turn into Willie the Wolf before my eyes, hearing his throaty chortle with this can of lager at his feet.
JERRY ZMUDA
People started showing up - nice polite kids - all my age – all doing ‘A’ levels. Lydia introduced me to all of them but I felt...out of place. They were talking about their ‘A’ levels and what ‘uni’ they were going to. I kept changing the subject, asking if they were into punk - and whether they'd seen The Jam. I wasn't really clicking at all, and I was looking forward to my pals turning up.
LYDIA DANCEY
Three guys turn up - walking up the drive. Two of them are pushing this guy up in a wheel barrow. The guy in the wheel barrow has got this most austere haircut - like something out medieval times - and the other guy with the deranged stare was saying to Kay - “Where do you want your Botley delivered?” The large fair-haired boy was the most amenable of the three - he introduced himself as Peter. He said - “We've come to see Tommy Trinder walk his lion.”
JERRY ZMUDA
As soon as I saw them with Botley in that wheel barrow I knew something was up. Something was different. Dermott and Botley always act strange, and so it was Peter who gave it away - he was all flushed, staring into space.
LYDIA DANCEY
At first the party guests were humouring them. “What does this Botley do?” They rolled Botley out of the barrow - he stood up and said “Uh! Me Rockfords” - and the other two fell about laughing. Just those two.
I mean, in what universe is that funny?
JERRY ZMUDA
Their strange behaviour was getting too much for me - I needed a drink. I found a can of lager on the mantelpiece and I opened it up. It gushed like Mount Etna all over Kay and her boyfriend. They were furious - and soaking wet. She was screaming at me because she thought I did it on purpose. I escaped the scene into another room, to find Botley and Dermott painting the walls. They scrawled on the walls - Ain't you Mum Got No Gherkins?
LYDIA DANCEY
Ain’t you Mum Got No Gherkins?
PETER WYATT
Pretty soon a paint fight had started - we thought we were starring in our swinging 60s movie. Then I saw the look of horror on this girl's face.
I explained to Jerry – “Spike has Smiked us.” The penny dropped. Jerry went loopy - “Get the hell out of here then - I don't want you lot showing me up.” “I think the horse has long bolted out on that one,” I told him.
LYDIA DANCEY
It was at around 11 that the police showed. Just two of them, nothing heavy. It was nothing to do with the noise, they had received a report of a stolen wheel-barrow.
DERMOTT COLLINS
When I saw the roozers, I cracked one of my favourite jokes -
Two prostitutes - one says to the other “Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?” “No but I've been swing round by the tits.” We laughed a little too loudly and got stared at by the Old Bill. Then we ran and hid in the woods.
LYDIA DANCEY
Kay was beside herself when the police arrived. She called the party off and sent everyone home. I stayed to console her, while Jerry sat like a lemon in the kitchen.
DERMOTT COLLINS
After about an hour - we thought it was safe to come back. The party had finished, and the girl whose house it was, was in tears. I said “Don't worry girl, we'll help you clear up”. She started screaming “GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!”. Calm down it's not as if we'd smashed anything.
PETER WYATT
A coffee table got smashed, Botley had done it by jumping on it when he was singing “Uh! Me Rockfords!”
DERMOTT COLLINS
Peter’s getting mixed up with another party. We definitely didn’t smash anything at that party.
LYDIA DANCEY
Kay was screaming at the Botley crew, and all three of them ran away into the night. Just leaving me and Jerry to clear up all the mess - empty cans, cigarettes and broken glass. So I finally got to meet your friends Huh?
JERRY ZMUDA
I tried to explain – “My friends are crazy. But they're not usually THAT crazy.”
PETER WYATT
We walked all the way back to the garage. We needed to calm down, so we called Smike and he came over and built a large spliff. We watched the Sun rise over Egmont Court. Beautiful. Then Dermott said “So we finally got to meet Jerry's girlfriend. Do you think we made a good impression?”
DERMOTT COLLINS
Them mushrooms didn't really affect me.
BACK TO THE OLD SCHOOL
PETER WYATT
I couldn't help noticing how much Jerry changed when Lydia came along. He wasn't, I dunno, such a drip. He came out of himself a lot more. It was good to see.
JERRY ZMUDA
With the vast improvements made by Septimus Grundy, and Lydia now part of my life, it was nigh on impossible for me concentrate on my boring old ‘A’ levels. In hindsight, taking Maths turned out to be bad advice. My mind is literate - not numerate, I can't even remember the number of buses. I had been over-exerting myself on my Maths and getting nowhere. It was totally unrewarding.
So instead of studying I would often stay round Egmont. I'd wake up thinking - I don't fancy going to Feltham School today. Dermott would be there as well and he'd say - “Let's go and visit your girlfriend in Brooklands.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
Yup! Having bugger all to do all day was ace, but I missed school life. So when Jerry says he's going to see Lydia at the sixth form college - I jumped at the chance of tagging along.
LYDIA DANCEY
When term started at Brooklands in September '81, I remembered thinking - this time next year I'll be studying in London - and I'll be leaving the boring cotton wool suburbs behind - forever. But it became clear that Jerry was not attacking his education with the same ambition as I was. I tried to explain to him that it was his escape route.
JERRY ZMUDA
So we'd take a stroll down to Weybridge - green and peaceful. Brooklands was set in its own grounds – with tree lined walk ways. The kids all nice and polite. Why did I have to go to school in the grey brutality that is Feltham?
LYDIA DANCEY
I was happy to see Jerry when he visited Brooklands. But it felt wrong - shouldn't you be at your own school? What was weirder was when he'd come over with Dermott. I told him to keep a low profile because I don't think Kay would be especially thrilled to see him.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I loved it there - even sat in on some of the classes.
This teacher bloke saw us in the common room - smoking and chatting with some pot-head types - he gets suspicious. He comes over –
“You're not studying at Brooklands are you? Why are you here then? You're dealing drugs - is that it?”
“What? Me? Dealing drugs? No fucking way. I ain't no low-life sleazy drug dealer.” But it gave me an idea.
LYDIA DANCEY
It was Kay that reported Dermott as a suspected drug dealer, and he got escorted off the premises.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I go and see Cobra and told him about my idea - selling puff to the kids at college. Cobra puts his arm around me and says “Why didn't you mention this earlier?” He gives me a lesson in drug-dealing. It's all about blending in and being discreet. This is coming from a geezer with a large snake tattooed on his neck.
PETER WYATT
I was still doing long hours at the petrol station, Jerry was supposed to be doing his ‘A’ levels, and Dermott? All of a sudden he's real flush - getting the rounds in. You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes to work out what's going on. Then I find a massive stash of puff round Egmont. It's still technically my Mum's gaff - so I'm none too happy.
DERMOTT COLLINS
So I had my circuit - Brooklands, the Food Tech, Esher College, then over to Richmond College. I was making money, making new friends - nice polite kids who laughed at all of my jokes. On Cobra's advice I didn't go by my real name - I got them to call me The Wolf. The Happy Life of a college drug dealer! Good Times!
But I still missed Feltham - the craziness, the wind-ups, the laughter. So one afternoon I thought I'd take a stroll down Memory Lane and take a look around, maybe sell some puff. I went to see Mister Sea-lion himself, Mr. Dunne the metal-work teacher.
MR. DUNNE (Feltham School teacher)
What was it like seeing Dermott a year after he’d left school? Troubling. It was like - they’ve let you out into the big bad world? How are you coping? How do you live? What are doing for money? He said he does OK - and if I needed some good Black Leb - he could sort me out. I laughed, thinking he was joking - then I realised...
DERMOTT COLLINS
In places like Brooklands and Esher College you can walk around chat up the girls - and it's all fine. At Feltham School these herberts came up to me.
“What are you doing here? You ain't from this school!”
“No I left.”
“Well fuck off.”
“No you fuck off - I'm an old boy - I used to rule this playground.”
“Well we rule it now - FUCK OFF!”
Then they lay into me. Getting roughed up by a bunch of 15 year olds when you're 17 is not good for the old ego. I had to face facts - this world was not my world any more.
THE BIG LOG SHED SESSIONS
PETER WYATT
I told the boys that pretty soon we'd be good enough to take the old feller out on the road.
JERRY ZMUDA
You mean Septimus Grundy? Play live? To an audience? Listening to my songs? That was my dream. The very thought made me itch and girate with anticipation.
PETER WYATT
Why not? We're racing through the songs in practice, one or two fluffed notes, a bit out of tune here and there. But we've got to make that move from garage to stage at some time.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I was having a laugh just playing in the garage with Jerry and Peter - and Botley hanging around. Playing live? Yeah why not? Everybody knows I love an audience.
JERRY ZMUDA
From the moment Peter said that, we didn't practice any more - we REHEARSED. Rehearsed our live set. It upped the stakes and gave us something to aim for.
PETER WYATT
Botley was our audience, our advisor. We played a song to him in the garage and he'd go - “It needs a bit more drumming” or “The chorus isn't quite there”. Or quite often - “That sounds too much like The Jam.”
BUCKLE AKA STUART MARTIN
Once again it was down to me to tell the Clueless Trio how the music scene worked. YOU NEED TO RECORD A DEMO - IN A PROPER STUDIO - NOT ON A CASSETTE TAPE IN YOUR GARAGE. A selection of four or five of your best songs. Chris Logan, a mate of mine, had a little studio over in Chertsey. We’d have to pay him a couple of hundred, so start saving.
DERMOTT COLLINS
We thought we were going to be recording in some plush mansion house. Turns out it's some geezer's garden shed. And we had to make our own tea.
JERRY ZMUDA
We get to the studio-stroke-large garden shed and predictably Dermott is giving it, as he would say, the north and south. Telling the guy that we want our banquet at 12, and send the groupies in at 2. He wasn't acting like a rock star - he was acting like a cretin.
PETER WYATT
We put a list down of our strongest songs. Jerry had just written a quite good one called The Stranger, which goes -
I was born here, but I feel that I don't belong,
I was raised here, but I just don't seem to be able to get along.
I am Stranger - a Stranger in my own land.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I never liked The Stranger - what a dreary load of old shite.
THE BIG LOG (OWNER OF TERRAPIN STUDIO)
The mouthy one asked my name - I said Chris Logan. By mid-morning he was calling me the Big Log. Cheers guys - I make you sound like The Who and you call me the Big Log.
JERRY ZMUDA
I learnt so much from that day with the Big Log. He introduced me to the concept of dynamics. Don't sing a song the same way all the way through - change the mood half way through - whisper a line, then scream it. Wow!
PETER WYATT
He made us sound pukha! Finally nailed my bass sound. I still wasn't the geezer out of Chic - but after a few beers I swear you couldn't hear too much of a difference. My bass lines were... fluid.
THE BIG LOG
What I couldn’t help noticing was the way the mouthy one was always smiling when he played his guitar - smiling and looking around. I asked him about it. He said that when he watches these hairy rockers on the Old Grey Whistle Test, they’d be playing their guitars and pulling faces like they’re having a real hard shit. But he wanted to make it look easy. I was impressed with that attitude.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I told the Big Log straight - I don't want you making me sound like some pub rock bozo. He got me to go easy on the effects pedals and hit them at the right time. He made me sound fierce! In no time I was hanging on his every word. The Big Log knew his shit.
THE BIG LOG
I suggested filling their sounds with some keyboards. The mouthy one threw his guitar down and declared -
“No Way! The Who never had any keyboards.”
The diplomatic fair haired one said - “I think you’ll find they did.”
“Not on any of the good stuff!”
“Baba O’Riley and Won’t Get Fooled Again - they’re good.” And they nearly had a fight. Working with those boys was draining.
PETER WYATT
At the end of the session we played back the demo - again and again and again. We sounded so ‘professional’ - like a proper band. Driving home I was made up. Botley was with me and he said - “I don't why you're so surprised - I always knew you could sound like that.” Cheers Botley – you’re a gent.
JERRY ZMUDA
Botley was our biggest fan. Our only fan. Our inspiration - the runny Evostick that bonded the woobly Airfix plane of our friendship together.
PETER WYATT
The songs we put on the demo were The Stranger, Do the Stranded, Mr. Frospawn Hates Punk Rock, I'm Botley and an instrumental track called Donkey Planet.
The stand out track was Do The Stranded - it was nothing to do with Roxy Music, it was a rare example of Dermott and Jerry working on lyrics together, and it was all about when Dermott was left stranded in London looking for Angela. A powerful song, though to be frank I thought Jerry's vocal were a little weak.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I wanted to sing Do The Stranded - it was my story. I really got into playing it and I would give it loads of backing vocals - thinking about my Angela.
PETER WYATT
After the thrill of recording the demo had died down, we all sat in my living room saying – “who the fuck do we send it to?” We made a list. John Weller - manager of the Jam. It took us a couple of minutes to think of someone else - Polydor, The Jam's record label. Then John Peel. Who else?
LYDIA DANCEY
They played me the demo - and I thought it was quite good - surprisingly. I was mildly impressed. But just that - mildly impressed.
But being good is not enough in this world. You need to work hard - and know the right people. But - my God these boys were clueless about the music business. I had to come up with a hit-list for them - record companies, The NME, Melody Maker, Sounds.
JERRY ZMUDA
We needed feed-back on the demo. It sounded good to us, but what was it like really?
PETER WYATT
The only person we knew in the misc biz was Grant at Record Scene. So I take the tape down there and give it to him and say – “go on, put it on.”
GRANT WILLIAMS
“I can’t put it on now,” I told Peter. “I’ll lose all my customers. Ha! No but seriously.” I promised I’d play it at home. I oozed insincerity. I felt obliged to show support to these young kids, but really I wished they wouldn’t bother.
When Peter came back the next week asking what I thought. I said it had “potential.” I lied again. Hadn’t even listened to it. I mean it was bound to be shit. Obviously.
JERRY ZMUDA
So a good demo - and nothing. The spider of harsh reality bit me hard - nobody in this world is interested in me and my crappy little band.
OPERATION MICHELLE - THE STRATEGY MEETING
PETER WYATT
I had been going out with the girls - but nothing serious. I still had a thing for Michelle. I decided I was going to do something about it. NOW!
If I left it any later, eventually I'd hear the dreaded news that she was marrying Terry South. With the Big Log session coming out so good, I was brimming over with confidence and ready to take anybody on.
DERMOTT COLLINS
I told Cobra that Peter was ready for some dirty tricks.
PETER WYATT
Cobra came round my place to hold a strategy meeting.
“We attack from two angles,” he told me “you have to impress Michelle - that's down to you. But you've also got to get her to hate Terry.”
“How?” I asked.
Cobra did that sly grin of his “Dirty tricks - me boy, dirty tricks.”
JERRY ZMUDA
What the hell was Peter doing getting advice from Cobra? I thought he knew better than that.
PETER WYATT
I don't play dirty tricks on people. But this was Terry South - the dead leg merchant from my first day at Feltham. The man who laughed at my car, in front of Michelle. Revenge was brewing, so me and Cobra hatched a plan.
TERRY SOUTH
If I was to steal some cars - why would I park them in the slip road behind my back garden? Why? Why?
MICHELLE BAXTER
He lost it. Terry really lost it, accusing all sorts of people that he was set up.
TERRY SOUTH
The Old Bill couldn’t prove nothing. All they had on me was that three cars had been stolen from the showroom at work. Somebody tips them off that they were parked round the back of my house. Someone was trying to fit me up. Who?
MICHELLE BAXTER
It was a great relief when the police announced they didn't have enough evidence to press charges. But I saw a side to Terry I didn't like.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Cobra was a real mate. When you nick a car - you run the risk of doing bird. So if you're going to run that risk you've got to make sure it's worth it. When Cobra stole them cars, he could have sold them on for a well decent wedge. But he didn't. Instead he planted them round the back of Terry South's house. That's a real mate for you.
A FRIGHTENED WOLFF
DERMOTT COLLINS
So I'd been serving up puff to the students of Surrey for a couple of months now. Minding me own business not doing anybody any harm, when one day outside Brooklands a big black car pulls up. A dark-skinned meaty geezer with frizzy hair gets out and slings me in the back of the car.
PETER WYATT
I told Dermott to stop dealing - it's dangerous - a mug's game - all the usual bit. Does he fuckin' listen?
DERMOTT COLLINS
Even scarier than the guy with the frizzy hair is the geezer in the driving seat. “What's your name?”
“They call me The Wolf.”
“Don't fuck around - you cunt!” He yells. “What's your fucking name?”
“DDDDDDDerrmotttt CCCCCCCCCollins.” Was it plain-clothes? Was I looking at a stretch of bird? When he gave me a whack across me chops with his chunky ringed hand, I twigged they weren't Old Bill.
He gives me a warning - “Stay off this patch - stay off any patch. If I see you dealing again, you'll spend the rest of your miserable life in a wheelchair. Understand?”
I nod feebly and they let me out. I went round Cobra's and he was going - “I'll find out who they are - I'll have words.”
I said - “Leave it - I've had it. This wolf is retiring from the scene.”
Cobra's screeching - “You can't back out at the first sniff of bother. Where's your bottle? You need bottle to live this life!” I told him - ”I ain't got it” - and walked out.
PETER WYATT
Cobra called him a coward. But I was delighted Dermott did the right thing. On the downside, it was a drag having Dermott back to having no money again. I said to him – “Didn't you save any fucking money when you were dealing?”
LYDIA CHOMPING AT THE BIT
LYDIA DANCEY
I never felt comfortable when I went round Egmont. It was Dermott - he was always strange with me. I sensed he was looking at me while I was looking the other way. Then he'd show off and act as if I wasn't even in the room. Like it was only the boys that mattered.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Lydia Dancey? A damn fine girl. Too good for Jerry. Real nice looking - in a horsey kind of way.
LYDIA DANCEY
Dermott would say things to me like - “I bet you're chomping at the bit to be living in London” or something about me being in a “stable” relationship. Then I realized what he was doing. He was referring to me looking like a horse. It was intimidating and hurtful.
PETER WYATT
Lydia - what a sweet girl. It was great to have her come round, because otherwise we're just a bunch of geezers talking geezer stuff. She was real intelligent, and knew a lot about music, which is unusual for a girl. Jerry had really lucked out there.
LYDIA DANCEY
Peter was always a perfect gentleman. He spent the first few months trying to convince me that he wasn't really a tripped out freak who turned up to parties with stolen wheel-barrows. He was always bringing me into the conversation and offering me cups of tea. Dermott on the other hand was always shutting me out of the conversation and trying to get me to make the tea. Peter tried to make me feel comfortable - but it was nigh on impossible with Dermott in the room.
LOSING OUR MUSICAL VIRGINITY
PETER WYATT
March '82 - and I was itching to play our first ever gig. I had the boys round my house and we sent out demos to all the venues in the music papers. Then I got hold of the yellow pages and sent demos to all the pubs in the area. Naive or stupid? You decide.
DERMOTT COLLINS
How many envelopes did I stuff? I didn't join a band for this.
JERRY ZMUDA
A big row kicked off when Dermott said “this is bird's” work and told Lydia to get packing. I stepped in and told Dermott to get lost. I ended up having to pack most of them myself.
PETER WYATT
Botley - God bless him - ended up stuffing most of the envelopes.
PETER WYATT
So after sending out literally hundreds of demos, we waited for the phone to ring. Nothing.
DERMOTT COLLINS
The Airman is a pub right close to where we went to school. Typical geezer’s boozer - every Thursday night they used to put on this Blues Brothers type band called Past Caring. They were completely shit, but quite good in a “I've-got-my-beer-on-the-sideboard-here” way, if you get my drift. So I went and saw the Guvnor about playing a gig there.
PETER WYATT
So we finally get a gig. Of all the places in the world to lose our musical virginity, I wouldn't have chosen a Feltham boozer. But it's a gig. Our first gig. Would Michelle come along?
JERRY ZMUDA
I was thrilled when Dermott said he'd got us a gig at the Airman. This will sound pathetic but for the next two weeks I couldn't think about anything else. ‘A’ levels? Stuff the ‘A’ levels - I'm playing the Airman in Feltham.
PETER WYATT
And of course Botley was as excited as the rest of us. I told him he could be our roadie, and he was chuffed to bits.
JERRY ZMUDA
The afternoon of the gig I was more nervous than I'd ever been in my whole life. There I was at home pacing around, playing records, thinking about taking up smoking, waiting in agony for Peter and Dermott to come over in the van, When they finally turn up - hours late, instead of going straight to the venue to set-up, we drop off at a caff for a late lunch. I was palpitating with panic.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Made me laugh, Jerkski getting all edgy over some gig at the Airman. Course I wound him up - you have to, haven't you?
PETER WYATT
We turn up at the venue and something's not quite right. The young barman, a studenty type called Dave, said he knew nothing about a support band playing tonight.
JERRY ZMUDA
As soon as we got there I wanted to finally set up, and rehearse our set before the audience turn up. But oh no! What's going on? Dermott's demanding this thing called a Rider from the young barman - which apparently is free drinks for the band.
DERMOTT COLLINS
This herbert wouldn't give us our rider. Knackers! Then he starts giving it the NME north + south about how guitar music is dead, and that drum kits would be museum pieces soon. Like we're all going to be listening to bollox like the Human League. His choice phrase was - “it's all been said with guitars and drums.” I told him what hadn't been said before with guitars and drums – “DAVE THE BARMAN IS FULL OF SHIT! That's our opening song.”
JERRY ZMUDA
I stepped in - “Don't mouth off to the staff.” I told him. When Dave goes to change the barrels, the next thing I know, Dermott jumps over the bar to help himself. It was when Dave was chasing Dermott round the pub that the Guvnor was mentioned for the first time.
PETER WYATT
So while them two were squabbling with the barman, it was down to me and Botley to set up Buckle's drums kit. Buckle couldn't get the day off work, so he was going to join us later. Then this long-haired type, Sonic the sound-man, shows up.
DERMOTT COLLINS
This bozo was more like a dungeon and dragons type. He was wearing a Past Caring road-crew T-shirt and starts bragging about him being the thirteenth member at the controls. Wow!
PETER WYATT
Sonic tells us Past Caring have got a big following. “You're guaranteed twenty to thirty people wherever they play.” He boasts.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Call that a following? I get a better turn-out to watch me play snooker.
PETER WYATT
What was really worrying was that Sonic the sound guy also knew nothing about any support band. We winged it and told him we were definitely playing, and he agreed to soundcheck us.
JERRY ZMUDA
It was really dodgy, this Sonic chap said that there is never a support band for Past Caring. When I considered the guy who booked the gig - Dermott Collins - something was definitely amiss. Anyway Peter does the talking and eventually, at long last, we are doing OUR FIRST EVER SOUND-CHECK. Two-two-two.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Sonic the hairy one behind the controls is reading the paper while we're sound-checking. I shout in the mic –
“Sonic! Sound geezer! Can we check our levels please? Sorry if we're keeping you from your dungeons and dragons.”
That got him all red-faced. “I haven't played dungeons and dragons in almost three years!”
JERRY ZMUDA
I looked to Peter to calm the situation - we need this Sonic guy! Then a much bigger problem, showed - THE GUVNOR.
PETER WYATT
I'm sweet-talking Sonic apologising for Dermott, when a large dark shadow appears behind me. I look round and gasp. This huge bear of a man is behind me. “Who are you?”
I smile – “We're the band.”
He doesn't smile back. “You're not Past Caring.”
“No we’re not.”
“Past Caring are the only band booked to play tonight.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
I talk to the Guvnor. He denies telling me we could play. Actually come to think of it he probably didn't, he said come down on open mic night and do a turn then. I let Peter do the talking - he's good at this.
JERRY ZMUDA
This gig meant everything - absolutely everything - to me. Peter Wyatt to the rescue - he'll sweet talk him into it.
PETER WYATT
I was saying – “A short set, you don't have to pay us. Fifteen minutes and we're gone.”
The Guvnor is a rock. He isn't having any of it. Then Jerry comes in all desperate - “Please let us play.” The Guvnor walks away - Jerry calls him back.
JERRY ZMUDA
I said – “This may sound desperate. But we'll pay YOU to play.”
The man puts his arm around me - squeezes me in an uncomfortably tight grip, he says - “I'll give you desperation mate - on a life support machine. Got it?”
Then he gives my face a firm pat. Menacing or what?
PETER WYATT
Then he walks off - saying “I am going to my office - if you're not out of here by the time I come out again - THERE WILL BE SERIOUS TROUBLE.” What can you do?
JERRY ZMUDA
As he walked off, I was devastated - no gig tonight. Then abject disappointment turned to anger. At who? Dermott of course. He gives the north and south at every person we come across, but when it comes down to it, when we actually need some front - he backs down.
PETER WYATT
I had to break them two up. I said - “Come on - there's nothing else for it. Let's get the equipment in the van.”
Sonic goes home to get changed, but when Buckle our drummer shows up, things took a whole new direction.
BUCKLE AKA STUART MARTIN
I turn up and the boys are taking my drum kit down. I wasn’t having it. I hadn’t arranged with MY guvnor to leave work early, just to have some geezer say we can’t play. Where is this GUVNOR geezer? Jerry points a shaky finger to his office door.
PETER WYATT
I followed Buckle into the office. Buckle goes - “Is it you who says we can't play?” The Guvnor's not even looking up - “Yes haven't you gone yet?” Then Buckle says something I still can't believe to this day…
BUCKLE AKA STUART MARTIN
“Let’s go outside to the car park and discuss it.”
The man gets up and he’s a mountain. Oh Fuck!
PETER WYATT
We got out in the car-park. “Alright then mouthpiece,” the Guvnor taunts him. Buckle, like a crazy rhinocerous, head-charges him.
BUCKLE AKA STUART MARTIN
The guvnor bats me back – but I head charge him again. This time right into his stomach. I feel his great weight go down as he grabs me into a headlock. So there’s me grappling with him – he starts pummelling my head and I think – this isn’t right, there’s four other blokes looking on here – and they’re supposed to be on my side.
DERMOTT COLLINS
The Guvnor turns into a wild animal – shouting “Who do you think you’re dealing with? You’re out of your league!”
JERRY ZMUDA
With trepidation we dive into help out. It took all five of us to get the Guvnor pinned to the ground. Buckle shouts - “Get the gaffer tape.” Botley runs to the van. It’s a fierce struggle, arms and legs flailing, but eventually we've gaffered him up - mouths, hands and legs. We lift him up and throw this massive weight into our van.
DERMOTT COLLINS
We slam the van door shut on him – and laugh it right up. Back in the venue, we're larging it. When Sonic comes back changed into his Past Caring gear we tell him that the Guvnor has said we can play. All this time while the Guvnor is struggling, all gaffered up in our van. We look out the window and the van is shaking from side to side. What a top fucking cackle!
PETER WYATT
In the pub we were laughing heartily, buying round after round for Buckle, the man who made it all possible.
JERRY ZMUDA
I on the other hand was not quite so celebratory. I hated to think of the consequences of all of this. But I just knew that at last we were going to finally play to an audience. Albeit to a handful of people.
PETER WYATT
The place is very slow in filling up, a lot of our so-called mates hadn't showed. Maybe it was a good TV night. In fact Botley - our only true mate - was the only one that showed. It gets to about 8 o'clock and there's barely a dozen people in. But we thought we might as well hit the stage.
JERRY ZMUDA
My opening words to the audience were – “Good evening ladies and gents - we are definitely not Past Caring.”
DERMOTT COLLINS
“This one's called ‘Dave The Barman Is Full Of Shit!’”
Then Uh! Me Rockfords! Who the fuck let the fucking Guvnor out? Someone must of have seen the shaking van. He appears in the doorway, snorting flames and makes a charge straight at us.
PETER WYATT
We had to get out of there double sharpish. Me and Buckle grappled with the Guvnor - while Botley, Dermott and Jerry slung what they could in the van – guitars, amps and pieces of drum kit.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Past Caring who are all dressed up like the Blue Brothers start getting involved. I was fighting them off with the mic stand.
JERRY ZMUDA
The only thing that mattered now was getting ourselves and our equipment out of there.
PETER WYATT
I drove out of there like a bat out of hell. Past Caring and the Guvnor tearing after us. So that, ladies and gents, was Septimus Grundy's debut gig.
CARPET STAIN ANTHOLOGY
JERRY ZMUDA
I was getting constant bad dreams about having to sit exams and not having revised properly, making me wake up with ill feelings. Did nothing about it though. When it came down to it I just couldn't be bothered with the ‘A’ levels, so I knew I was going to do badly.
DERMOTT COLLINS
The Sulphate Crash course is what Jerry needed to do. Cram a whole two years of revising in just a coupla hours.
JERRY ZMUDA
Then the bad dream came true - I sat at the exam desk, knowing little or nothing of what the exam papers were asking of me.
My Sulphate crash course in History helped though. I wrote an excellent essay, the only trouble was I'd scrawled it all down on the desk - none on the exam paper.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Fuck exams. Who needs ‘em?
JERRY ZMUDA
But how badly was I going to do? Bad enough to go to a fifth rate college? Or bad enough that no-one would take me? In August the envelope came - an E and 2 Fs. I told my Mother that E stood for Excellent and F stood for First Class - and she was happy for a time.
NATALIE ZMUDA
When I found out from a friend what an E and 2Fs really meant - I was crest-fallen. I hate to say it - but this really was the last straw.
JERRY ZMUDA
Over the years Father had become an increasingly distant figure. In one sense this was Ok because when my ‘A’ level results came out, he didn't care one way or the other. But Mother - well she never forgave me after that.
LYDIA DANCEY
He could have done better if he had really tried. He was trying to act all cool and unaffected by it. Dermott held a drinks party in the garage. But it was all a bit pathetic really. My ‘A’ level results came through and I did better than expected - an A and two Bs - I was off to study Media Studies at the Polytechnic of Central London.
JERRY ZMUDA
I felt proud that Lydia had done so well. Proud and threatened at the same time.
DERMOTT COLLINS
In honour of Jerry's exams, I came up with a riff of an E chord and two F chords for him to write his drippy lyrics to.
JERRY ZMUDA
I tried telling myself I didn't need exams where I was going on. I threw any hope and ambition I had into Septimus Grundy.
But what could I do for the short term? I looked to my parents for guidance, but it was clear they really didn't want anything to do with me any more. So I hung around people to whom exams didn't matter - Botley, Dermott, Peter and Smike.
LYDIA DANCEY
I told Jerry to move out - live in London. At that time there was a big squat scene and you could get dole and housing benefit relatively easily. I really pushed him to leave the suburbs, but he was rooted to his mates.
JERRY ZMUDA
So I completely moved into Peter's place in Egmont Court. I took out the last of my belongings from my parent’s house. I looked around my bed-room for the last time, I had been happy here once, as a young child. A time of Rupert Bear Annuals and games with Ruben - but that was now far far away, just a faded hazy memory. I looked down at the stained beige carpet. Each stain had a story to it. That's when I got the idea for the Carpet Stain Anthology album - each song told the story behind the stain.
PETER WYATT
When Jerry finished school - a new Jerry came out. It was like this cloud wasn't hanging over him anymore - he could be himself. He didn't stoop so much. But the biggest change was in the garage when we rehearsed. Before I always thought he was the weak link in the band. But now instead of straining to sing - he shouted more, just really belted the song out. Like he didn't give a fuck. And he started standing up to Dermott.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Me and Jerry had a big row over the song Do The Stranded. Jerry wanted to rework it and re-name it London After Midnight. We were nose to nose, inches away from a bust up if Peter hadn't stepped in. 'Course Jerry was right - Do The Stranded is a pathetic name for a song and London After Midnight was much better. But couldn't back down - could I? So I goes to Peter a bit later – “Tell him we can change it.”
BUCKLE AKA STUART MARTIN
Dermott was always taking the piss but suddenly this new Jerry was standing up to him. I remember once Jerry was reading out his new lyrics and Dermott was supposed to come up with a riff to go with it.
DERMOTT COLLINS
Taking the Arthur, I started playing along to his lyrics with the riff from Black Betty. Jerry instead of singing his own lyrics, starts singing “Wow-oh oh Dermott he's a cunt. Wow-oh oh Dermott he's a cunt. If he was black I'd join the National Front.”
PETER WYATT
Dermott he's a cunt - to the tune of Black Betty - hilarious.
JERRY ZMUDA
Dermott was really starting to rankle me. This band was now my life - my entire life, and he was still treating it as an opportunity to clown around. Even his Basil Brush laugh didn't do it for me anymore.
Monkey Time can go to hell.
If Septimus Grundy doesn't get anywhere, well it doesn't bear thinking about.
