HERE WE GO WITH DERMOTT & JERRY

JERRY ZMUDA

Ever since I can remember I've been obsessed with talking animals. That's why I loved cartoons. I would try and teach Ruben, the family Labrador, to talk. I’d say to him - “Come on Ruben - if you learn to talk we can go and have adventures like Scooby Doo.”

But Ruben just stared back, panting. Never said a word.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Basil Brush was ace. Morning, noon and night there's me trying to make my laugh sound exactly like him, 'coz I wanted to be Basil Brush.

PETER WYATT

I was never one for staying in and watching cartoons. I was an outdoor kid. Football. I was always playing football. Until I cracked my wrist practicing my overhead kicks. But once it mended I was straight outside again, playing football.

JERRY ZMUDA

I was eight when I noticed Dermott for the first time. We were in Mrs. Dalrymple's art class and a kid had opened a cupboard door. An avalanche of Janet and John books slid out. The books were called Here We Go, and on the cover was a picture of Janet and John sitting on an inflatable horse waving.

Quick as a flash, Dermott says –

“They're falling out saying Here We Go.” And he mimicked the wave.

For some reason I found this achingly funny, and Mrs. Dalrymple could not stop me from laughing. From then onwards I just knew I had to hang around this kid Dermott.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Jerry laughed at all my jokes. All of them. Even the shit ones. So it was - “Yeah OK, you can be my friend.”

PETER WYATT

I never knew Dermott and Jerry in them days, they were in cosy old Sunbury on Thames and I was on the other side of the big smoke in Rayleigh, Essex.

It amazes me how Dermott and Jerry can go on about their primary school days in so much detail. I hardly remember anything, it was such a horrible time. But something always sticks out - Dad taking me to Upton Park to see West Ham, and Dad pretending he personally knew all the players as they ran past. I mean, I may have been eight but I wasn't fucking stupid. I remember him telling me how one day we were going to live in a big mansion, with servants and a Rolls Royce. “We are going to be joining the jet set!” I wanted to believe him, and I really did for a while.

MR. HEYWARD (primary school teacher)

The joy of seeing children discover the world, to see their faces light up with wonder - it's one of life's great marvels. The learning curve is much quicker, much steeper in their younger years. They start off the term barely able to read, and within months they're reading fluently - understanding new words. That's why I became a primary school teacher. I soon wish I hadn't.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Fucking loved primary school. Totally fucking loved it. Up to that school gate, strutting past Mr. Trent with his megaphone giving me the eye 'cos he knows I'm trouble. Seeing all them kids running around in the playground. Would think to myself - It's Show Time! - and off I went.

JERRY ZMUDA

Springfield School was in London's leafy suburbia, a place called Sunbury on Thames - a pleasant place to be given your introduction to the world. I was the sort of kid who liked to sit next to the window, day-dreaming. I would stare over at the rail-track at the end of the field, then up at the planes in the sky. I remember thinking to myself - this is my starting point in life - I can go anywhere I want in the world - but this will always be home.

DERMOTT COLLINS

When I was a kid me head was crammed full of stuff like outer space, Basil Brush and explosions. Teachers would try and steer me into thinking about boring things. Guess that's what education is supposed to be about. But I was having none of it.

JERRY ZMUDA

My only worry was that hole forming in the elbow of my school jumper, getting bigger each day. And the more I played with it, the worse it got. It was only a matter of time before my Mother would notice. That was my world. But that was all about to change.

NATALIE ZMUDA (Jerry’s Mother)

It was soon after Jerry started talking about his new friend Dermott that his accent started worsening. Jerry used to speak so nicely, but now he was sounding quite common.

IT’S MONKEY TIME

JERRY ZMUDA

“It's Monkey Time!” that was Dermott’s cue to go crazy. He'd throw his head back and make a loud hooting laugh, then dance like a demented monkey. I was compelled to join in.

With Dermott around, life instantly stepped up a gear. Sleepy Sunbury on Thames went into amazing Technicolor. If Dermott wasn't playing a joke on someone, he was hatching some crazy plan. My favourite was to hide inside Hambleys toy store just before closing time. Then come out when everyone's gone, so we'd have the whole store and the toys to ourselves - and all night to play with them. What a brilliant plan - count me in.

DERMOTT COLLINS

I was well into me crank phone calls. Oh! Yus My Dear! The golden days before 1471. Remember going round Jerry's - his old dear doing the weeding in the garden. Got hold of the telephone directory - searching for my next victim.

JERRY ZMUDA

He was flicking through the book, until his finger rested on one name. He was trembling with excitement as he showed me it. Norman Ladyman. He began dialling as my Mother continued weeding in the garden. Dermott puts on his serious adult voice - “Hullo Can I speak to Norman Ladyman please?”

The man came to the phone. “Ha! He's called Ladyman. He's a lady and a man.” And he hung up - I was creased with laughter. That's when Mother came in.

NATALIE ZMUDA

Making abusive phone calls is one thing, but to use my phone to do it was quite another. I said to this Dermott - boy - “What would your father say if he knew what you are doing?” He replied - “He’d say - well done son, good one.” He was remorseless.

JERRY ZMUDA

So with Dermott we created our own little world of silly voices and catchphrases. We had the Rudies Department, enforced by Wolfdog Willy who came down like a tonne of bricks on anybody swearing or doing anything rude. But his punishments were always far ruder than the initial offence. But my favourite was the cartoons we drew of Ruben the Rubbish Dog. He'd try to save a man down a mine-shaft, like Lassie, but he'd mess it up and cause an almighty avalanche that wiped out an entire village.

DERMOTT-TITUS

MR. HEYWARD

I was on break duty one morning when little Tommy Higgins dashes up to me from the playing field. “Sir! Sir! Come quickly! Jerry Zmuda's been attacked by giant insects.” I immediately knew this had to be a wind up, but I looked at this kid and he was genuinely terrified. So I sprinted up there and, sure enough Dermott Collins had tricked him with some rubber toy insects. I laughed it off, but it was a sign of things to come. The Chinese have the water torture - we've got Dermott Collins.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Always liked Mr. Heyward. A real good bleeding sport. When we heard he was going to be our form teacher we were well pleased. 

MR. HEYWARD

Towards the end of term, Mrs Dalrymple collared me in the staff room with a big grin. “You're going to have your work cut out for you next term - you've got Dermott Collins in your form.” I was saying “Dermott may be a horror - but he's still nothing but a kid.” I thought I could handle him.

JERRY ZMUDA

I was walking past the staff room one morning when I overheard Mrs. Dalrymple say to Mr. Heyward - “Have you got a Dermatitis crisis already?”

I told Dermott about the teachers calling him Dermatitis, and he was thrilled. Thrilled to be nicknamed after an especially irritating skin disease.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Kushti! From then on my nickname was 'Titus. I get under yer skin.

MICHELLE BAXTER

JERRY ZMUDA

Mr. Heyward kept on accusing me of being distracted by Dermott, but in my last year at Springfield my centre of attention had shifted. A vision of wonder named Michelle Baxter - luscious lips, full ruddy cheeks that weighed down to reveal her chipmunk buckteeth. BUT SHE'S A GIRL. I was terrified to even make eye contact, and I barely ever said a word to her. Did she ever notice me?

MICHELLE BAXTER

Those two were pathetic, completely childish. I mean I know we were all kids but they were beneath childish. There was us, trying to fucking learn and that Dermott and his laughing hyena sidekick always trying to be funny. It got so boring.

DERMOTT COLLINS

At primary school my favourite word was Minge. Minge this and Minge that. Minge, all day along. It was a word I picked up off me brother. Didn't know what a Minge was, let alone what one looked like, but that didn't stop me from Mingeing it all the time.

MICHELLE BAXTER

There’s Dermott thinking he’s clever because he’s discovered this new word – Minge. Why couldn’t my parents have sent me to St. Ignatius? That was an all-girls school.

A TALE OF TWO HOME-LIVES

PETER WYATT (over in Rayleigh)

I was always wanting to play outside. There was something indoors that didn't feel right. Mum and Dad didn't row a lot - but I could sense that Mum was drifting away from Dad. Dad would try and cheer her up with some daft gag he'd lifted off the Two Ronnies or Benny Hill, and Mum would just look away.

JERRY ZMUDA

Silence reigned in the Zmuda household, most of the time myself, Magdalena my sister, Mum and Dad would sit in the dark just watching TV. I'd never known anything else, so I didn't think much of it. Ruben the dog got all the attention, and the only demonstrations of warmth and affection in the house were directed at him.

FRANK COLLINS (Dermott’s Father)

Any friend of Dermott’s was welcome round our house - and Jerry seemed a nice lad.

JERRY ZMUDA

Dermott's home life was the polar opposite of mine - a 24 hour teeming hive of activity. He lived with his Dad, Frank, and his two older brothers. There was a procession of Aunties doing the washing, preparing meals and his brothers were real faces about town, so all their mates would come over and just hang out. Then they'd be the various girlfriends.

I would sit in the living room and just watch the world come in and out - it was better than television. But someone was conspicuous by her absence - there was no Mother in the house. Naturally I asked Dermott about this, but he just changed the subject.

DERMOTT COLLINS

I'd often go to Jerry – “let's get round yours. I need some bleedin' peace and quiet.”

PETER WYATT

At our home in Rayleigh, pride of place over the fireplace was a faded yellow cutting from the local paper in a golden frame. It had a picture of my old man with an ear to ear grin holding up a row of banknotes.

The headline was ‘ALL WYATT FOR A FEW QUID.’

He bet fifty quid that Hursty would score a hattrick against the Krauts in ‘66, and he earned himself two and a half grand, which I'm told in them days was a fair amount of lucre. But that taste of smalltime celebrity for Dad was his undoing.  He thought he had the Midas touch, and Mum tells me his gambling got much worse from that moment on.

JERRY ZMUDA

Eventually I asked Dermott face on where his mother was, this time demanding an answer, and he said she'd gone away. I felt really sorry for him. I know that his grandmother and aunt were round a lot to look after him. But it's not the same as having a full-time mother doting over you.

DERMOTT COLLINS

The good thing about having two older brothers is that they'd tell you all the jokes, so at school you're one step ahead of all the other kids. The flip side is that they were always clipping you and telling you to shut it. That's why I liked school so much - so I could get away from those fuckers.

POLSKA! POLSKA!

JERRY ZMUDA

They used to call me The Commie. Based on the fact that I had a Polish name. I tried to explain to them that my Polish grandfather was a pilot, fought the war with the RAF, and stayed in Britain and raised his family here, precisely to get away from the Communists. But kids don't listen.

DERMOTT COLLINS

I tried to help Jerry out. He hated his nickname The Commie. So I had a go at calling him Zoom from his surname being Zmuda. Never caught on. Still they called him the Commie Bastard.

JERRY ZMUDA

I was leaving school one afternoon and this kid I hardly knew jabbed his finger at me and says “You Poles are going to get thrashed tonight!” I panicked - what was he talking about? When I got home and watched the TV it clicked. He meant the World Cup qualifier between England and Poland at Wembley.

PETER WYATT

I remember sitting down with me old man to watch England's World Cup qualifier against Poland. We had to beat them to qualify. We attacked, and attacked and attacked and we only came away with a draw. I was in tears, but my Dad he was even worse - the silly sod had put on the best part of a grand on Martin Chivers getting a hat trick. Someone should have told him that saying about lighting never strikes in the same place twice.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Me Dad's Irish, he had the accent, the silly jokes, the whole bit. My brothers were all born here in England, spoke with same English accent I did, but they all called themselves Irish. When we were watching England play Poland in '73 they were all celebrating when England didn't win. I was thinking - get a fucking life will you? This is our country now.

JERRY ZMUDA

I watched the game with a sense of defeat, as Brian Clough was going on about what a bunch of amateurs and clowns the Poles were. Then the game started, and guess what? We were playing rather well. Our star was the goalkeeper Jan Tomaszewski, they should build a statue for that man, if they haven't already.

I'll never forget my sense of outrage when our forward, the nippy Grzegorz Lato, was running clear on goal and Roy McFarland pulled him back. The commentator said something like - “He had to do that or he would have scored.” I thought - talk about double standards, if a foreigner had done that, the English commentator would have been baying for his blood.

When Domarski scored for Poland, me and Grandad were leaping around. The foreigners were beating the English, it was so INSPIRING. Poland eventually held England to a draw and so knocked them out of the World Cup, it gave me a sense of pride. I went to school the next day with my chest puffed out, ready for whatever beating they were going to dish out.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Jerkski Zmuda what a bleeding turncoat. Poland knocks England out of the World Cup and now he's fucking Mr. Polska. Do admire him for this though - we walked into the playground and Big Gary Abbott goes to him - “We won't give you a kicking if you don't mention the game.” Jerry nodded his head, went quiet for a bit and then he starts jumping and shouting “POLSKA! POLSKA!” Gary and the boys didn't hold back from their pummelling but RESPECT!

JERRY ZMUDA

I asked my Dad to teach me Polish, but he waved me away and said - “Ah! What do you want to learn that for?” I went to My Grandad - who gave me a few words but that was it.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Sometimes kids at school would call me Paddy and say stuff about the IRA. I would just give 'em a whack and leave it at that. Didn't want to get involved in all that Ian Paisley and the IRA stuff. Knew nothing about it and didn't want to.

But I didn't mind being The Paddie. The big family event every week was the Dave Allen show. All the brothers would sit around and laugh all the way through. I thought he was ace an' 'all, though being a kiddy wink I didn't always get the joke. Raise a glass to Dave Allen makes, yer proud to be a Mick.

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO CAINE FROM KUNG FU

JERRY ZMUDA

The weekly school assembly - did you have them at your school? Each class would take turns to put on a little play with some moral to it or some story out of the bible. Our turn came. I get to go on stage and perform, my young heart was racing -  I could be discovered and become a star.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Saw this clip from that film Jesus Christ Superstar where Jesus walks into a temple and goes mental and smashes it up - and he's singing while he's doing it. I thought let’s do that for our assembly - but give it a Kung Fu twist.

JERRY ZMUDA

It was from the Gospel according to John. Jesus visits the temple and is incensed when he sees that the temple is being used as a market place. In his anger he tears the market down.

MR. HEYWARD

I was tricked.  I watched the rehearsal for approval and it was so boring I have to say I didn't notice anything wrong, but on the actual performance in front of the whole school - Dermott goes into his Bruce Lee bit, kicking down the stall. 

JERRY ZMUDA

So Dermott was dressed as Jesus, wearing a false beard and robe, and he was Kung Fu kicking down this market stall. I was supposed to be playing a taken aback market trader, but I was in stitches.

DERMOTT COLLINS

As I was on that stage, kicking down the stall I looked out into the audiences. Some kids were laughing, others goldfish-mouthed, some girls were even screaming. I loved being on stage. A lot of people used to say about me - “Yeah Titus he gives it all the north and south but he never delivers”. But I was A FACE after that performance.  But Mr. Heyward was not happy.

MR. HEYWARD

I got summonsed by the headmaster Mr. Petty, and he lays into me. Blaming me for not controlling my class. I was so angry. I said to him the only way to stop Dermott doing stuff like this is to ban him altogether from any school performances.

PLANET OF THE APES, PLANET OF THE APES, PLANET OF THE APES

PETER WYATT

You couldn't be a lad in Britain growing up in the mid seventies without getting into Kung Fu. There was nothing better on a Saturday afternoon, after your weekly bath, than to watch Kung Fu on TV in your dressing gown. Then practice all the moves - in slow motion of course.

DENNIS MCBRIDE (Dermott and Jerry’s classmate)

The biggest mistake of my young life was inviting Dermott and Jerry round for tea to watch Kung Fu. My Mum’s from Aberdeen - so it stands to reason she’ll speak with a Scottish accent. Do you think those tossers would ever stop going on about it?

JERRY ZMUDA

We were about to swap my Thunderbirds annual with Dennis McBride's Kung Fu annual. As we were at the front door, Dennis's mum comes rushing out and kills the deal with the immortal line –

(Scottish accent) “Yer noh swawping that Kung Foo ahnewal.”

And so a legend was born.

DERMOTT COLLINS

“Yer noh swawping that Kung Foo ahnewal.” Every time we saw Dennis we started on that. He wanted to kill us.

JERRY ZMUDA

But the influence of Kung Fu was waning, another planet had come into our orbit and everything was to revolve around that. I'm talking about the Planet of the Apes.

During the summer holidays Dermott’s eldest brother had taken us to see Battle for the Planet of the Apes which was amazing - easily the best film ever made. When the Planet of the Apes TV series started I was in heaven. I couldn't think about anything else apart from Planet of the Apes, Planet of the Apes, Planet of the Apes.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Me and Jerry decided Kung Fu was for ponces. But some kids were still bang into it. There was trouble brewing at our school.

JERRY ZMUDA

Then one day at assembly this kid sneaks over and says – “You like Planet of the Apes? We prefer Kung Fu and we want to discuss it in the playground at break time.” I knew he meant a fight, so I told Dermott. Thankfully he was into Planet of the Apes too so I wasn't going to face this battering alone.

When break time came along there were four of them, rough kids off the estate, waving their arms around Kung Fu style.  They had us surrounded. I was wetting myself. Then the moment I will never forget - Dermott yells at the top of his lungs - “NOW FIGHT LIKE APES!”

I felt my first ever adrenalin rush - my fear evaporated and I rushed one of the kids. He was doing a showy Kung Fu kick and I knocked him off balance and he hit the concrete, I kicked him a few times, he wasn't getting up for a while. This other kid was doing some more Kung Fu moves, I dodged a few of those and punched him straight in the nose, he went flying. I looked over to see how Dermott was doing. He was in a bundle on the ground with two other kids.

By this time, Mr. Heyward had come over and broke it up. It was over in a few seconds, but those moments were enough to turn this frightened chimpanzee into a hardened gorilla warrior.

DERMOTT COLLINS

If Jerry ever tells you how well he fought against the Kung Fu kids, don't believe a word. I was there - he was crapping himself.

JERRY ZMUDA

We had our own idea for a film and TV series. On my toy farm I had five toy donkeys so I came up with Donkey Planet.

It was about a donkey who after being mistreated by the farmer decides to take over the planet. He raises an army of donkeys and they have a big battle with the army. As we got older, Dermott added the storyline that the donkey was originally a human who lost his penis in a farming accident. He decides to have a donkey penis grafted on, so he can be hung like a donkey, and then bit -by bit he turns into a donkey, BUT HE CAN STILL TALK AND THINK LIKE A HUMAN. I've seen films made out of worse ideas than that.

MR. HEYWARD’S KARMA MASTER-CLASS

MR. HEYWARD

I clearly remember standing in front of that class and Dermott's eyes burning into me. I started to think there was something evil about that boy, and it soon became clear that anything that happened that was amiss - Dermott was behind it. Like the day Sammy Rogers was in my class feeling ill, white as a sheet, I was taking him to the school nurse. Halfway down the corridor - I hear Dermott shout - “It's Monkey Time” and laugh maniacally. I ran back and he's sat at his desk - trying to look all angelic. But I knew this was his doing. I grilled Sammy - what happened? Eventually he spilled the beans.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Sammy Rogers lost a bet. I said I want twenty nicker - but he didn't have the money. So I gave him some raw sausages that my old man had thrown out. I said – “Eat those then.” I didn't expect him to - but he did.

MR. HEYWARD

So this evil child had made poor Sammy Rogers eat raw sausages. Knowing it would make him feel ill, knowing it would disrupt my class.

DERMOTT COLLINS

The bet was over the word Minge. He didn't believe that it was the place between a lady's legs. He thought it was the lumps in their jersey. So I won the bet.

MR. HEYWARD

I'm not a humourless bloke. I can live with Dermott hiding in the cupboard for register and jumping out when his name is called. I can live with him blackmailing some kid into writing “Mr. Heyward is a Chutney Ferett” on the blackboard before class.  But the relentless nature of it was wearing me down. Sometimes I felt like crying before facing another day at school.

I talked to my wife about it, and she told me that I should seriously talk to him - try and make him see the errors of his ways. She was right - I wasn't going to let this kid and his snivelling side-kick beat me. I was going to work on those boys and change them for the better.

JERRY ZMUDA

I got a nasty shock when Mr. Heyward included myself with Dermott for a break time detention. Was I one of the naughty boys now?

MR. HEYWARD

I let the boys think they were going to spend the whole break doing lines. But then I said “OK - no lines for you lads. I’ve got something to say. But let me get myself a coffee first, I'll be right back.”

As I reach the door Dermott says - “White - two sugars.” I felt anger well up in me, and I thought no - no – you’re not going to beat me.

JERRY ZMUDA

So instead of giving us lines, Mr. Heyward told us about Karma. Everything we do has an effect - and we must be responsible enough to make sure that what we do affects people in a good way - and we don’t harm anybody. I really respected that.

MR. HEYWARD

I cited the example of how they made little Tommy Higgins believe that Jerry had been attacked by giant insects. This may seem harmless fun to them, but I plainly recalled the look of horror on poor Tommy's face - he was nothing short of traumatized because Tommy is a sensitive nervous lad. Then Dermott says - “That's why we chose him Sir - because he's so easily taken in.”

DERMOTT COLLINS

Mr. Heyward gives us a load of north and south about the Karma Sutra and stuff - and how we should be nice to people in the Cosmos. I said - “Alright - I don’t disagree with that, but you’ve got to have a bit of fun as well.”

MR. HEYWARD

They listened. I give them that - they listened. But would they put it into practice? Think of others before they did what they did? That remained to be seen.

MEANWHILE OVER IN RAYLEIGH, ESSEX

PETER WYATT

It was a Sunday morning and Dad was AWOL. Mum was cooking for me and telling me 'good riddance to bad rubbish' about Dad. 

These two men turned up on the doorstep, one was fat, the other was really tall. Mum opened the door and they barged in, asking where Dad was. The fat one had my mother's face caught in his hand, squeezing it like a vice and he was saying “I Know you know where he is, so tell us.”

This is a sight no boy should ever see. I tried to stop him but the tall one just squatted me away.  Dad should have been here to deal with this. The fat man kept on saying, - “Where's Mr. Wyatt?” and slapping my Mum. Harder each time. I can still hear the cracking sound. Then I realised, with Dad gone, I was now Mr. Wyatt.

LET’S WRECK THE NATIVITY PLAY

PETER WYATT

After the debt collectors came round, Mum decided to move out of the area a bit sharpish, so I had to change schools. My old man had gone into hiding - he'd rung Mum after the visit and said he was going to sort it and everything will be back to normal soon. Mum said - “Don't bother, I'm leaving you.” I was gutted because I was given the part of Joseph in the Christmas Play - and what with us moving away, I couldn't play the part.

We stayed round our aunties for a while which was fun, but then Mum got a job at Heathrow airport so we had to leave Essex and go to the other side of London. This place called Feltham. I didn't like it, with the planes going past all the time and a noisy dual carriageway nearby. It wasn't all cosy and homey like Rayleigh - all me aunties and uncles were far far away. It was horrible.

JERRY ZMUDA

When the posters went up for the auditions for the Christmas play, I thought - this is my big chance. So I auditioned for the part of Joseph and I was crushed when I didn't get it. I was holding back tears of bitterness. Had that Kung Fu Jerusalem assembly counted against me?

DERMOTT COLLINS

Poor Jerry had set his heart on being in that play. They gave his part to some fucking stiff head-boy type. They always do. So I says to him - “Let's give those monkeys a nativity play to remember.”

JERRY ZMUDA

So we had a strategy meeting round my house, locked doors, hush hush. Dermott was coming out with all sorts of ideas to wreck the nativity play, like sawing the legs off the wooden donkey so Janice Adams who was playing Mary would fall off. Then he wanted to handcuff Dennis McBride, who was playing Herod, to a pole so he would miss his cue.

DENNIS MCBRIDE

There were six other kids up for the part of Herod and I landed it. Mr. Keddy told me I had a good voice and projected well. I was very proud.  I spent every day rehearsing my lines.

JERRY ZMUDA

After several hours of elaborate planning to wreck the School Nativity play, we had ended up with nothing better than this - we were going to heckle King Herod.

DENNIS MCBRIDE

Picture the scene. I am ten; I have never performed in public before. I am King Herod in the school nativity play - a big part, with lots of lines to remember. I had spent every day for four weeks, FOUR WEEKS, learning my lines and rehearsing. The big day comes, me Mum and Dad are out there.

DERMOTT COLLINS

It was class, all the parents were sat in the chairs and the kids were sat on the floor down the side. We were whispering just loud enough for Dennis to hear us, but most of the audience couldn't. Then we started pulling faces at him and whispering “Yer noh swawping that Kung Foo ahnewal.”

DENNIS MCBRIDE

I do my speech and then next to me, on my right, are two horrible kids going “Minge” and “You’re not swapping that Kung Fu annual” all the way through it, pulling faces at me. I couldn’t concentrate, I dried up, then I shouted at them. “FUCKING SHUT UP.”

DERMOTT COLLINS

When Dennis cracked, screaming at us, the audience thought he'd gone nutty.

MR. HEYWARD

When I saw Dermott and Jerry in the audience pulling faces. I saw red and jumped in. It disrupted the school nativity play. In the grand Karma scheme of things, those boys are going straight to hell.

MULE TRAIN

NATALIE ZMUDA (Jerry’s mother)

You can imagine my horror to receive a letter at Christmas from the headmaster of Springfield school, wanting to see me about my son’s behaviour at the school nativity play. I discovered that Dermott’s father Frank had also been summonsed.

When I met Frank Collins that day outside the headmaster’s office, he was laughing the whole thing off, saying something like “boys will be boys.” I told him that wrecking the school Nativity play was not everyday boisterous behaviour. We are the only parents who have been called down the school, no one else. His reply was - “Well they have to pick on the Irish kid and the Pawlak kid.” Err Excuse me - Jerry’s grandfather may be Polish but JERRY IS NOT A PAWLAK.

FRANK COLLINS

I met Jerry’s mum. Very nice lady. Very upset about the whole affair. I did my best to put it all in its place. It’s just boys playing.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Dad's the friendliest geezer in the world, talks to everyone and anyone. Never looks down on anyone - except to pick them up. I know he didn't make a good impression on Jerry's parents when they met the first time. But his big mistake was to invite them to his traditional New Years Day open house knees up. By the time they had turned up in the afternoon, Dad was already pretty well leathered. It was all going off a bit “mine's a pint of Courage Best. Gertcha.” Which obviously ain't Mister and Missus Zmuda's scene at all.

Dad thought he'd impress them with his party piece, singing Mule Train while banging a tea tray against his head. It always made us laugh like monkeys, but I look over at Mr. & Mrs. Zmuda - staring down into their glasses of wine, faces dripping with embarrassment.

PETER WYATT

I wasn't at that party. Remember I hadn't met Dermott and Jerry yet, but I've since seen Dermott's Dad doing Mule Train and banging his head with the tea-tray, and it's a sight to see. Hilarious! Put that man on the telly!

STINKY WINNIE THE POOH

PETER WYATT

I've been at my new school in Feltham about a month when Mum says - “Do you want to invite some of your new friends over for tea?” So I invited about four kids I played football with.

We were all sat up in my bedroom playing Subbutteo, when one kid looks up and sees Georgie, this stuffed chubby orange bear. I didn't really play with him any more, but he was my oldest toy. The kids start chanting STINKY WINNIE THE POOH, STINKY WINNIE THE POOH. I wasn't having it - these horrible 'oiks from Feltham making fun of my favourite toy, so I stood up and booted this kid snack on the nose - blood spurted everywhere. It all kicked off - several Subbuttueo players got crushed. Mum had to dive in and break us up. Nobody takes the piss out of Georgie - nobody.

So you could say I was having trouble fitting in at my new school.

JERRY DISOBEYS

NATALIE ZMUDA

It was clear that Jerry had fallen victim to a bad influence. I sympathized with Dermott - it can’t be easy going through life without a mother. But I couldn’t allow him to drag Jerry down.

JERRY ZMUDA

Right after the New Year's Day Mule train episode Mum and Dad wanted to talk to me. I knew it was serious because they had the TV off. Mum looked me straight in the eye and said, - “We don't want you to see that boy Dermott any longer. He's a bad influence and he's from a bad family.”

Naturally I protested. Then father came in with - “He's going to end up in prison, and you'll end up there with him if you're not careful.” There was no question of me ending my friendship with Dermott. If prison was where we were heading, then so be it. They made me promise that I would stop seeing him, but I had my fingers crossed behind my back.

NATALIE ZMUDA

I then took steps to ensure that Jerry went to a different secondary school from Dermott. After he left primary school - Jerry would never see Dermott again.

THE WALKING TREE INCIDENT

JERRY ZMUDA

Of course I carried on going around with Dermott. But I told Mum I had found a new friend, Jonathan Bagg - who didn't really exist. It was our little joke - Johnny Bagg. Get it?

MR. HEYWARD

To Mr. Petty the Headmaster I represented the permissive society, rock'n'roll, strikes and the general demise of all that he values. He was aching for a chance to get at me. It was only a matter of time before he found something else to hang on me.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Mrs. Clack had tree trunk lungs. Nobody could deny it. One day at afternoon break, I clocked her hobbling out the school gate, and I shouts over “LOOK OVER THERE IT'S A WALKING TREE.” Me and Jerry got pulled up in front of Mr. Petty the headmaster and we denied it at first. After several hours, they wore a confession out of us. Just to swerve it away from us I said that Mr. Heyward had told us that Mrs. Clack had tree trunk legs, and we hadn't noticed them before.

Pettycoat bought it and it took the heat off us and onto Mr. Heyward. I felt bad. Mr. Heyward may have been a hippy - but he was still a good bloke.

JERRY ZMUDA

Mr. Heyward talked to us in a way no other teacher did. He told us about his favourite music, the Beatles and Cream, about his interest in eastern religions. He showed us the books he was reading. I especially remember Dreams, Memories and Reflections by Carl Gustav Jung. While other teachers just wanted to shout at you and tell you what to do, Mr. Heyward seem to actually stand for something - he had beliefs. I felt guilty that we got him into trouble.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Mr. Heyward got into even more hot water when I let slip that he told us about the Karma Sutra when he had us in detention.

DERMOTT IS TOLD A CRUEL TRUTH

DERMOTT COLLINS

All my memories of Primary school days were all happy. Apart from one. One day at home when I was about eight I was having a scrap with Ryan my youngest brother. He were about 12 at the time, so it weren't exactly fair. It got heated, and then he says to me - “You're a bad seed you are! Mum died giving birth to you. That's how bad you are.” I was shocked I didn't say anything, I just blotted it out. I just wanted to forget about it and just be funny all the time.

PETER WYATT

I hate self pity and I tried not to feel sorry for myself with all the trouble I had at home. It's rough as a kid when your Dad isn't around. But it must have been even rougher for Dermott with no Mum. He says life was a great for him in primary school, but I think he's not being fully honest with himself.

THE LAST DAY OF PRIMARY SCHOOL

JERRY ZMUDA

The last day of primary school, and I was saying goodbye to the setting of my early childhood. Worst of all, Mother told me that I would be going to Feltham School next term, and Dermott was going to a different school. I was distraught because I was going to be spending the rest of my life without my best friend. I felt my world ending. My eyes were welling up, but I didn't want anyone to see me cry.

DERMOTT COLLINS

On the last ever day at Springfield they had a Sports day, all the teachers were on a high security alert. They thought me and Jerkski had some big plan to ruin it, and they kept their eyes on us. There was big pileup in the sack race, and the teachers came dashing over to where we were sitting, as if we'd made it happen.

MICHELLE BAXTER

How can you not cry on your last day of primary school? You’d have to have a heart of stone. I’d really got attached to some of the kids at Springfield, but then there were others I hoped I would never see again.

PETER WYATT

On the last day of primary school, everyone was crying. But not me. I was glad to get it over with. Looking forward to going to a massive school where everyone was the new kid, not just me.

DERMOTT COLLINS

Our class sang The Carnival Is Over at the last assembly on the last day. And by the first chorus - nearly everyone was blubbing like pathetic monkeys. I thought the toilet pipe had burst. Jerry especially - I'll never, never, never let him forget that. What a soppy git. Me - my eyes were dry as a bone. I ain't the sentimental type.

JERRY ZMUDA

I went up to Mr. Heyward to say goodbye and he just glared back at me. I guess he wasn't planning on forgiving Dermott and I any time soon.

MR. HEYWARD

There they were on sports day - the last day of term. I saw them laughing, laughing, laughing at it all. Sending it all up. I hated those two kids. I still do. They ruined my career as a teacher and worse still, destroyed my faith in human nature. My belief that everyone is basically good, if you only give them a chance. Well, they decimated that. On that last day of primary school I swore to myself that I would get even with those fuckers. That karma would catch up with them one day.

to go to Chapter 2 - Feltham School click here