Second draft: tutor response

Maria’s task:

From the second draft of the text, which you will have started on in the writing/response session, select a passage of not more than 300 words for teacher response on language. Include details of your language goals and indicate, if possible, where you feel you need help. Highlight the passage you want language response on in your text.

Maria also added some more general questions about her text. All her highlightings and questions are shown in red.

I’ve always respected you and your wishes, but not this time and I think this lay

(can I use lay here?) in the back of my head

the whole weekend. I actually didn’t enjoy myself as much as I wanted. I’m really sorry that I disappointed you so much by going, but I learned by (or through?)

this episode that I need to know that I have your full (or fully?) support

and that you are happy for me whatever I decide to do.

Still mum, I remember I was quite jealous of my friends, because I felt that they got to do more than I did, and especially when it came to stay out for as long as they wanted, while I had to be at home by the hour I were told. (This is a long sentence. Any good suggestions on how I can split it up, so the meaning will be the same?)

. I know it must have been hard growing up with a mother who’s (who has, or who has had? – she’s still alive)

had polio, and I believe you when you say you had to do a lot of things at home. More than I ever have had to, even though parents tell their children all the time about how much they did when they were young. (Once again a long and no good sentence)

One of the things I really admire you for, is the part (or time?) when you (used to pick?) picked up grandma from work on your bicycle. I think that deserves a medal.

Mum, you’ve always been there. You held my hand and went with me the first day in kindergarten/ nursery school (what word should I use?) and at on my first day at school. You have always been there. You actually contributed (contributed - is this a good word to use?) as an assistant coach

for my handball team one season. Even though I wasn’t too fond of it then, I realised that you did a huge job for the team. And I’m thankful for that. You are a rock in my life. I think you know, but you can’t know anything for sure if you don’t get to hear it. But now you know. You are a rock in my life that helps me to be strong, make decisions when I’m confused, you support and trust me whenever I need you too. I know I can call you for any little problem, question, tear, nerviest (??) feeling – everything!

XX (should I put my name here, or what would be an appropriate ending? Your loving daughter…? I don’t want it to be too cliché either) I think just the name would be fine – I think that fits in with my impression of this daughter

Three specific language/ learning goals:

Has/have – concord (especially when I talk about people):

There are some concord errors: e.g.

a person who shower (there’s a lot on this in lang. assignment 2)

this people

I were

a bit insecure, “I have had”, “she has had”… Do I use this correct? CorrectLY. You asked the right questions, so I think you know what choices have to be made.

This/ these – I think I know this… It may help to think that in NPs like [this person] [these people] this and these are determiners that have to agree with the head noun: if the head N is plural then the determiner must be plural.

Prepositions – Line said she couldn’t find any mistakes!

*to be good IN something

?angry AT something/someone

How can you check prepositions? In cases like these, looking up ‘good’ or ‘angry’ and reading through the various meanings and example sentences might help.

I liked the language goal that said “to learn at least five new words/ expressions” – so I’ll try to keep that one up…

reprimand is a good word - so add that one to your collection. But since it’s rather formal it not right for here. Is this something you can be aware of?

Try to find alternatives for ‘happenings’ and ‘meanings’. One thing to be aware of is the possibility of PRUNING (see language assignment 2 and examples above in the text.). Often words like ‘happening’ are not really necessary at all.

Sandra. Do you think it’s OK to write a personal letter like this one? Yes, perfectly OK. But I wonder why the daughter is writing it at this particular time. I think if that reason was clear, it might mean that the daughter would focus on particular incidents or features of her mother’s personality that were specially relevant.

•I’ve highlighted some sentences and added questions where I’m insecure about certain things.

•Are my sentences too long? The highlights can be examples to look at this.

I’ve used the response I got, but I’ll probably write a third draft when I’ve had the response from you, because I might shorten some of the paragraphs… I think you may want to leave some things out so as to concentrate on those that you decide are the most important.

If you see anything else I can work on, I would appreciate if you tell me. I think that’s plenty to work on. If you think about these things, you’ll be pleased with the effects they will have on your text.

Sandra. Do you think it’s OK to write a personal letter like this one?

Yes, perfectly OK. But I wonder why the daughter is writing it at this particular time. I think if that reason was clear, it might mean that the daughter would focus on particular incidents or features of her mother’s personality that were specially relevant.

Second draft: tutor response