Fellow Americans, we are in a time of turmoil.  Hard working Americans, all over this country: policemen, teachers and plumbers are loosing their jobs, and loosing their homes.  As I will highlight in this essay, the ideals of US National Whitewater Center and companies like it are responsible for this dire economic crisis.  We are loosing grip on the American Dream but we need not let go.  America, I am convinced that by returning to the ideals and morals that made this the greatest country in the world we can regain control.  

 

For those readers who don’t know of the un-american atrocities perpetuated by the US National Whitewater Center I present the following as a direct quotation from their website:

 

 

America was made on guns, God, low taxes and most importantly unrestricted, unfettered free-market capitalism.  USNWC undermines these founding principles and is degrading the fabric of America.  USNWC is a non-profit.  Being not for profit is about as American as being not for baseball.  What makes America, and American companies great, is their ruthless pursuit of profits.  As a non-profit USNWC is, essentially teaching our children socialism, putting quality of life before the bottom line.  Along with other non-profits like Public Radio and UNICEF the Whitewater Center is teaching our youth bad ethics and undermining the real America.  Socialists, will try to hide their true intent (a free ride for the lazy), under a guise of the betterment of mankind - America, we can’t let them get away with this!  

 

To this end, I have developed a fool-proof process to spot socialism at work: First, and obviously, if the company is not for profit it is a hotbed for dangerously radical social ideas and therefore is un-american; Second, if the company is loosing money and gets (or asks) for any money from the government then the company is socialist and therefore is un-american; Third, if the companies do anything to undermine the inner-workings of the free market economy then that company or group is socialist and again is un-american.  For your edification, I have comprised a small list of these un-american companies: US National Whitewater Center, Public Radio, UNICEF, Bank of America, Ford, Wachovia, all hedge funds, Washington Mutual, AIG, Bear-Sterns, Canada, Goldman-Sacks, Wall Street, and Allan Greenspan.  Only by working together can we undo the harm that these agents have brought to our shores.  Remember America - Yes we can.

 

Fear not. America has been behind in the Game before and America has always been triumphant.  America was the first to put a man on the moon, she is the winner of every war, the inventor of the atom bomb and the tail-gate party, home to the finest universities in the world, and the only country to play the man’s version of football. We can beat the socialists, but to win, it is not enough to be able to spot a socialist we must be able to capture and contain them so they can do no further harm to this great country.  

 

Should you spot a socialist, just follow this capture, release, rehabilitation process. To capture a socialist in the Charlotte area, you need to go to there favorite hang-outs, try Whole Foods, USNWC, REI, or Starbucks.  Once spotted you must, lure them into the back of your pick-up with the promise of free yoga class, organic locally grown beat root, a chi tea latte, or universal Medicare.  Once you have captured a socialist you must rehabilitate them; tie them up in your basement and carefully explain to them the importance of individual freedom and the power of the free market.  Then make them watch a full day of FOX News, listen to Rush Limbaugh’s radio program, and then make them read anything by Ayn Rand.  After this intensive deprograming the socialists will be cured and fit for release back into society.            

 

Under this program, USNWC still has time.  They can turn the center around with a return to the principles of the free market, namely survival of the fittest and pursuit of profits.  They must turn the whitewater park into a Wonka inspired hunting ground of poor children.  The new Wonka Adventure Park/ Hunting Ground would exchange the water in the river for lard (sponsored by McDonald’s).  The climbing wall to chocolate topped soda fountain (by Coke).  The running trails for escalators with TV’s (by Sony), and Lazyboys (by Lazyboy of course), we wouldn’t want them getting fast or sinewy by running.  Only the fattest, poorest children would be selected to visit the new WonkaWater park.  These children, who without opportunity to engage in activity, will become a gross and heavy burden on the now socialist heath-care program of this country.  The center would help to re-privatize health-care, gleaming profits by removing these liabilities (children) from the system by allowing the arms bearing locals to shoot fat, slow and feeble ones.  

 

Some of the children would inevitably survive, even after months of being hunted, these children will be deemed “winners” and reinstated into America. Of course most will not, the very fat kids will be the most desirable in that they will be both tender and juicy; they will also be big, slow and docile and therefore easy to shoot.  The center could charge a “super-size” premium to both the Medicare and the hunters for this as they are removing a larger potential burden and making the hunter’s job easier. With these only modest alterations to the center, even the runt children (those under 10 years of age and 120lbs) would after rafting on a river of lard quickly be game worthy as well.  

 

Thus, by returning to the pillars of America USNWC can both turn a profit and be a modal company.  We can lift America from this economic crisis by fighting socialism and all those who practice it. Friends, the road will be long but together, we will prevail.