We publish all that are sent in.. If easily offended perhaps this is no such a good page for you. EMAIL Any bad joke published as you will soon see!! So this mountain guide walks into Coyotes restaurant. He is carrying a bucket of manure in one hand and a shot gun in the other. The waiter gives him a strange look but asks what he wants. “Coffee” says the guide. After drinking about a pot and a half he gets up pitches the manure in the air whips up the shotgun and blasts it all over the place. He immediately disappears out the door. Next morning the guide walks in with his bucket of manure and shot gun sits down and calls the waiter over asking for coffee as he does so. The waiter recognizing the guy of course says “hold on, we are still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was that all about?” The guide says to the waiter “Well the way the ACMG is pumping out guides I can’t get enough work so I decided to re-train myself.” ” “Re-train yourself ?“ asks the waiter “yeah” says the guide. “ I am going to be a Public Safety Warden for National Parks in Banff” “What’s that got to do with the mess you created in here yesterday” asks the waiter “well to be a public safety warden I have to drink coffee, shoot the shit then disappear for the rest of the day!” Two mountain guides bite it in a climbing accident. So there they are before Saint Peter in front of the Pearly Gates looking to get in. Saint Peter of course is a little leery about letting in two scruffy, smelly, unwashed, heathens who have never done anything useful in their entire lives. Before he turns them away he decides to check in with the boss. [PETER] “Ok, you guides stay here I am going to talk to the man, I’ll be right back” and off he goes to talk to God. “hey God there are a couple of low life's that call themselves mountain guides, personally I would send them to hell where they can climb waterfalls with a scruff brush and roller skates for the rest of eternity” [GOD] “Mountain Guides! You may be right but I will tell you what, heaven is a big place and we have a granite range way at the back of it. Send them there and lets just forget about them” Peter hurries away, but returns minutes later all excited and out of breath. [PETER] God, Their gone-!! [GOD] ‘The mountain guides. [Peter] No. the Pearly Gates!!! Little David was in his 5th  grade class when the teacher asked the children what their  fathers did for  a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman,  policeman,  salesman,etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher  asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic  dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of  other men.  Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with  some  guy and make love with him for money." The teacher, obviously  shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some  coloring, and  took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true  about your father?" "No," said  David, "He is a Mountain Guide ,  but I was too embarrassed to  say that in front of the other  kids." Q) How many guides does it take to change the shit barrel at Bow hut? A) Nobody knows, it's never been done. Q)What do ski guides and surgeons have in common. A) They both bury their mistakes. Q) What is the difference between investment bonds and a mountain guide. A) The bonds will eventually mature and earn money. Q: What's the difference between God and a Mountain Guide? A) God doesn't think he's a Mountain Guide. So I was driving home the other day in my baby blue 1975 Hillman Hunter sedan and I look out the window. There's this Kiwi Mountain Guide out in a field doing the deed to this sheep! Disgusting! So I stop, roll down the window and yell to him "Hey! In Canada we shear sheep!" He looks up at me and without disturbing his rhythm yells back "Mate, I'm not shearing this sheep with anybody!" Three Guides die and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first German Guide, "What is Easter?" The Guide replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the French Guide the same question, "What is Easter?" The French Guide replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus. "St. Peter looks at the second Guide, shakes his head in disgust,tells him he's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the Canadian Guide. He asks, "What is Easter?" The Canadian Guide smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes,"I know what Easter is. "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third Guide continues: "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter." Did you hear about the mountainguide who won a million dollars in the lottery? I guess he kept on guiding till it was all gone. We publish all that are sent in.. If easily offended perhaps this is no such a good page for you. EMAIL Any bad joke published So these two mountain guides meet up at the base of a route and one notices that the other has new ice tools. "What'd ya pay for those?" he asked. "Nothing. I was climbing the other day and this beautiful woman walked up, threw down her new tools, stripped off her one piece and said I could have anything I wanted" "Oh. Good choice" said the other guide. "Her one piece would never have fit you" Q)What do you call a guide with out a girlfriend? A) Homeless (This I received from someone with the handle flps on the live the vision site. Guess it is a modern day version of the the oldest climbing joke of all. Remember I don't make them up I just write them down!) Q) What do you call a guide without a girlfriend? A) surfing the web It is late in the season and it has been a busy year. Two guides meet up at a local pub and chat over a beer. "the other day I took this guy up the East Ridge of Temple. He was so stoked by the climb all that evening I found myself up to my knees in beer" say's the young guide. The old guide takes a big swallow of beer and with a sly smile say's "I know what you mean I took this 43 year old housewife up the Cardiac Arret on the Grand Sentinel. She was so thrilled that evening I found myself up to my balls in cider" Q) How many Mountain Guides does it take to Change a light bulb? A) Three. One to change the bulb , one get the chair and fix the rope and rigging and another to find the client to pay for the bulb and the beer. Q) What do Mountain Guides use for birth control? A) Their personalities. . New: A Glossary of Common Climbing Terms and Phrases: A Solo Climber: One man falling alone. A Roped Party: Several men falling simultaneously. A Novice: Someone (often dead) who should be kept off the mountains at all costs. A Mountain Guide: Someone who can provide Novices with a cost. An Experienced Climber: Someone whose death was unavoidable. An Alpine Club Member: Someone who never dies but slowly fades away. An Alpine Veteran: Someone who has been to the Alps. A Careful Climber: A slow climber. A Cautious Climber: A very slow climber. A Climbing Nut: A reckless climber. Excerpt from ONE MAN'S MOUNTAINS by Tom Patey (except the Guide part,which is Q) What happens when a mountain guide takes Viagra? A) He gets Taller. Q) You know how copper wire was invented. A) Two mountain guides found a penny at the same time. Q)How do you make a small fortune guiding? A) Start with a large one. Q)What's the difference between a mountain guide and a 14" pizza? A) The pizza can feed a family of four The first guide says, "I must be the meanest, toughest guide there is. Why, just the other day, an ornery bull elk got loose in Banff and gored six tourists before I wrestled him to the ground by the horns with my bare hands." The second guide, not to be outdone, boasted: "Why that's nothing'. I was climbing in Skaha walking the trail yesterday and a 15 foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that varmint with my bare hands, bit it's head off, and sucked the poison right out of my arm. And I'm still here today." The third guide remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis Q) What do mountain guides and cow pies have in common. A) The older they get the easier they are to pick up Here's one that just came in:(hey , I don't write em, I just pass them on.) : Q) What's the worst thing about sleeping with a mountain guide. A) when he jumps up, tye's off the bed post and screams off belay. Q)You know why less than 10% of the mountain guides go to heaven. A) any more than that and it would be Hell! So this mountain guide bites it in a climbing accident. Of course for all his sin's he goes to Hell. As he is Rappelling down through Hell with the Devil to his appointed station he sees this other guide whom he knows that also just cashed in his bingo chips. However he is in the arms of this gorgeous naked babe. He turns to the Devil and asks " what's up with this , how come this scum-bag has this beautiful woman in his arms." The Devil turns to him and say's "Never you mind that woman's punishment is my concern" Q) You know what mountain guides and tile floors have in common? A) Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them the rest of your life. Q) What the difference between a mountain guide and a rooster. A) The Rooster clucks defiance. This had to be explained to me after several months. "The mountain guide fucks declients" Here's one that just came in:(hey , I don't write em, I just pass them on.) : A mountain guide is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm, and runs into a guide buddy. "What'd ya get the case of beer for," his buddy asks. "My girlfriend," the guide replied. "Oh. Good trade." Q) You know what mountain guides and parking spaces have in common? A) The best ones are taken and the rest are just handicaps Client hires a guide for a multi-day rock climbing adventure. He has one bad day after another. Bad weather, lack of skill keep him from getting to the top of anything until the last day, when he finally is able to complete a route. At the end of the last day, the guide says, "great working with you, that will be $1000." "Man, the client says, $1000 for one lousy route." Yeah, says the guide, "but think how much it would have been if you'd climbed them all." These two mountain guides are talking, and one is complaining bitterly that he can't get women to notice him. Here, says the other, handing him a cucumber, put this in your pants. Few days later the guides meet up again, and the guide is still complaining: "this thing is making me miserable, and I'm still not getting any women". Other guide takes a look. "Why don't you try putting it in front?" Q)You know what the difference is between a smart mountain guide and a Yeti? A) At least there are reported sightings of a Yeti. We publish all that are sent in.. If easily offended perhaps this is no such a good page for you. EMAIL Any bad joke published CCMG home pagemailto:information@mountainguide.com?subject=From%20Joke%20Pagemailto:information@mountainguide.com?subject=From%20Joke%20Pagemailto:information@mountainguide.com?subject=From%20Joke%20Pagehttp://www.mountainguide.comshapeimage_2_link_0shapeimage_2_link_1shapeimage_2_link_2shapeimage_2_link_3

Guide Jokes