Un-recalled commitments

I felt a bit off on friday...actually a bit frustrated and a little bit unsettled. I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling this way. Last night Doug and I had a wonderful night out at this new wine bar that had just opened up in Oakland - Franklin Square - the sister place to Lucca’s Tap Room, that I wrote about some time ago. Anyway, I went to bed fairy early for a Friday night; I felt beat from the day. After champagne, I usually fall asleep immediately and this time was no different, but I woke up as if it was only moments later with so many thoughts running through my mind; it was actually 2 hours later.

It’s way early Saturday morning....”Hell”, I thought, “I might as well get up and write in my blog since that is what’s on my mind. So here I am writing to you while the house is still and quiet and Doug and Lucy are peacefully sleeping in our bedroom.

I don’t know about the rest of you TMS’ers; of course you Suzy are excluded since you seem to be the only one who remembers everything from our visits in the Climax, but I can’t stand behind any commitment that I did not make consciously at this time. In fact I don’t think I can stand behind all of these agreements even if I get total recall. I’m really not sure. After all we were drinking and under the galactic influence of alien brew, therefore legally we were not of sound mind. It sounds as if we had some pretty in depth conversations or at least I hope that we did, to come to all of those agreements. I think this is what has been bugging me all day. Why on Earth..well in this case...in Climax, would we make agreements to each other that we can’t even recall? That just sounds a bit crazy and a bit too serious for a group of girls whom some don’t even know each other, to do. I’m not saying we didn’t; I’m just saying that I’m not committing to anything until I feel strongly about committing to it either on this planet or consciously on the Climax. I mean really...if we are going to make some agreements, can’t we do it in a conscious manner? And can’t we get to know each other first?

This brings me to you Suzy: Quite frankly, I have no feeling either way whether you leave in 30 days or 90 days because, nothing personal...you seem like a very nice person, but I have no idea who you are except from the little tidbits of your life that you and Jilli blogged yesterday. If you want to count a couple of visits we can’t recollect of dialogue that is fine but I still don’t really know you or recall any conversation we may have had, yet. If you feel ready to go, who am I to have a say in what you do in your life? And more so, if I were in your position, knowing in my heart that leaving is truly what I wanted, I wouldn’t care what anyone else thought except for possibly, Jilli and Debra, and your family and fiance, if you are even planning to discuss it with them. It seems to me that you and Azza are the only ones who need to be involved here. You Suzy making the decision to go and Azza figuring out how soon you can. End of story. And if you are going to leave, it doesn’t matter to me whether it is in 30 or 90 days because we won’t be seeing Azza down here for at least another 6-8 months she has informed us, so these agreements that we have been told we made will not even be in affect until then. Interesting how you Suzy are the only one who has memory, and you will be the only one not here; the only one who remembers making the agreements and who will most likely not be needing to be adhering to them. At least that is my assumption if you do leave. I could be wrong but I am assuming that is why Jilli and Debra are so upset and Azza is asking them to let you go, because they won’t be seeing you after you leave. Kind of confusing don’t ya think? Which brings me back to my initial thoughts: I can’t stand behind those commitments. Sorry girls; that is just how I feel. I need to follow my gut instinct on this one. I pride myself on being a person who does what they say they are going to do and that is why I think I have been so unsettled about this. Azza, when you become available or come down, If you all want to get together and talk about it then, when we all can remember the conversation, I am up for that. But until then, I won’t commit to those agreements. And I feel ten times better expressing that. How do the rest of you girls feel? Daphne: as an attorney I am anxious to hear your viewpoints of this supposed agreement that we all have entered into. And now after everything I have said here, I will need to hear from every one of you on this topic since we are all involved. - Thanks - I look forward to your comments.

It’s 1:15 am now. I was going to post this before I go to bed but I’ll probably post it when I wake up so that I can get a good sleep, and read it again. I am tired and I don’t want to be hasty in my post. Until tomorrow....

...Good morning everyone! Hope that you all slept well. I didn’t...too much on my mind I guess but I did just now read what I wrote early this morning and I still feel the same so I am going to post it as is with a few grammatical changes.

ZL - Have a great time skiing! Thanks for the update - catch ya on the return.

Azza: I do hope that everything is moving along up there and I am wishing you well.

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Saturday, January 19, 2008