But that’s what I’m reviewing for Bookslut tomorrow.  I have the book out in the house because I’m a book reviewer and it’s sort of my job to have books and last night when Steve and I went to yet another bar (where we were working, no kidding), he leaned over the table and said, “hey, I stashed your book for you.”  And I said, “why?” And he said, “Because my mom was in the kitchen and she might have seen it.”  And I said, “well, maybe she’d like to read it too.  It’s really important that women masturbate and there’s no shame in it and it’s sort of a crime that women don’t talk about it more and that’s what my Bookslut review is about and instead of me devoting my political blogging power to getting the GOP out of office and ending the Iraq war, I’d rather spend my energy encouraging women to touch themselves.  Is this OKAY?” 

And then he smacked me for being insubordinate but not for masturbating, which, I like to believe makes him like me more.  I also believe it makes my skin soft and puts in me in a better mood and gets me ready for ‘partnered sex’ -- this is the term she uses in the book, it’s so clinical and awkward that I had to use quotation marks. 

And Steve said, “but it’s my MOOOOM.”

And I said, “Right, well, I hope she masturbates because it’ll make her feel better.  And give her softer skin and, though she is already always in a chipper mood (true!) maybe it would make her happier.”

Steve fell over at that point and the bartender scowled at me for letting my drinking buddy get so drunk he passed out despite our having one beer, I mean one pitcher, which is NOTHING when you’re in Portland. 

I lay down on the floor next to him and said, “My mom is a sexual person and I’m sure she still hits it with my stepdad.  It’s okay.  It’s not shameful.”

Steve went pale and I said, “Do you want me to talk to your mom about it?”

And then he was struck mute.

And I said, “we must all share in the destigmatization of masturbation.  Moms and Grandmas and Daughters.  We must break free of the Christian, Puritan shackles that keep women shameful of their sexuality and sexual gratification and we should all touch ourselves often.  We should wear t-shirts that say things like I love Self Love and I masturbate and I vote and Fingers are My Co-pilot.  And we should have rallies and marches. We live in a good country where women are just made to feel inferior in all areas to men but we can still keep our clitorises and I’m glad to be here.  Let the revolution begin!” 

And then I started smacking my own ass to the tune of God Bless America.