I’ve been through a rough patch lately. I can’t describe it, exactly, as it involves one of three topics I promised would be off-limits for this blog. Nevertheless, I can say that I’ve done an enormous amount of soul-searching over the last several months and I feel as though I might finally be emerging from the fog. (I was lost and am not yet found, but somebody threw me a GPS.)
During my moments of meditation; of late-night tossing and turning; of discussing my personal quandary ad nauseam with a very patient Mr. Mom; of screaming at the universe to deliver me, damn it! -- I have been reminded innumerable times of the best advice I ever got. Trust me. If you follow this advice, you will never, ever, never-ever, ever go wrong.
The advice came from my friend Courtney, a woman younger than me whose wisdom is nothing short of astounding. The occasion for the best advice ever was this little pickle I’d gotten myself into several years ago. It was a bad pickle . . . bowels-turning-to-liquid, life-passing-before-your-eyes, I’m-so-very-screwed pickle. One friend, who had been the first to discover my pickle and warn me about it, ashen-faced and quivery voiced, was as freaked out as me and therefore of no help. (Except, of course, as a first responder to administer emotional oxygen to her hyperventilating pal.)
Another friend, who I immediately called for advice, relied on her legal training and said -- simply and calmly -- “Deny. Deny. Deny. No one can prove you did it.”
Mr. Mom, who was the second person I called, was so stunned at my stupidity and recklessness that he had nothing to offer. The only two words he could muster were “You’re toast.” (Except the second word started with “f” and was a profanity appropriate to my degree of imprudence.)
But the third person I called was Courtney. After listening to my pitiful story, she said this.
“The best advice I can give you is to pretend your daughter has made this mistake. Then do whatever you would advise her to do. Because in the end, that’s what you can live with.”
Wow. Super-wow. Holy-crap wow! I have to do what I would tell my daughter to do?! I wanted something better, something more . . . weasel-y, something a whole lot less painful than doing the right thing. But there was nothing else. When you’re in a really bad pickle, nothing short of doing the right thing will fix it.
So I cried. And I sweated. And I gnashed my teeth and cursed to the heavens. And I tried a million times to talk myself out of it. But finally I did the right thing. And, get this. The person I had wronged forgave me -- said out loud, “I forgive you” -- and the world stopped spinning out of control. I had been saved . . . delivered from hellish torment and ruin by advice I will never forgot.
So during my recent existential turmoil, I asked myself, “What would I tell Kate to do?” I started to think about all the advice I have ever given my daughter and wondered if any of it had been meaningful. Especially now that she’s nearly 15, it so often seems my words never penetrate the adolescent veneer that keeps a mother at arm’s length.
Then I remembered a letter I wrote her nearly four years ago. It was full of advice that I thought at the time might come in handy someday. I rummaged around the house until I found the letter, and I sat down and re-read a mother’s earnest advice to her young daughter.
May 12, 2004
My Dear Kate,
Congratulations! Auditioning for and winning the role of Dorothy in “The Wizard of Oz” is no small feat and required you to have both faith and courage – faith in your ability and the courage to put yourself to the test. I am so very proud of you and all you have accomplished with today’s performance.
To celebrate your success and remember this special day, I am pleased to give you this Wizard of Oz charm bracelet, the only one of its kind, made especially for you. I hope you will always treasure it and that each of its seven charms will remind you to believe in yourself and your dreams.
The Dorothy charm reminds you to always reach for your dreams. They are within your grasp if, like today, you have faith in yourself and work hard. Dorothy’s trusted companion, Toto, reminds you to hold close to those you love.
The Cowardly Lion charm reminds you to dig deep within yourself to find courage. Life only demands from you the strength you possess, and you will have all the courage you need if you trust in yourself and remain true to your convictions.
The Scarecrow charm reminds you to rely on your intellect in tough situations. One good mind is worth a hundred strong hands.
The Tin Man charm reminds you to always listen to your heart. Follow not the path others think is right for you; rather, trust your instincts and choose your own course.
The Tornado charm reminds you that all great storms in your life will eventually pass, and that even the worst are invariably followed by a rainbow.
The Wicked Witch charm reminds you that even though you may encounter dangerous or difficult people, they can usually be outwitted with a little creativity and resourcefulness. Never be afraid to throw a bucket of water on a villain.
The Glinda the Good Witch charm reminds you that the world will bring you good in proportion to the good you do.
Finally, it is my hope that the bracelet and all of its charms will remind you “There’s no place like home.” Never forget that you will always have a home wherever I am.
With all my love, Mom
Once again, my friend, you’re right. Physician, heal thyself. (If I only had a brain.)
If you can't find what you're looking for in your own backyard,
maybe you never really lost it at all. -- Dorothy Gale
