VH1’s* 50 Most Important Bands
For Poseurs
![Want more of an edge? Want to impress that girl, with the tats, that thinks you’re way too into John Mayer?
Make all your friends think you knew ‘em from way back in the day. You heard of ‘em first and you’re so like already over their lame asses-- before they went totally corporate. You know corporate? Like when they can afford to quit their day jobs at Tekserve.
Best of’s are for housewives and teenagers. Rare B-sides and Japanese imports look fuckin’ serious.
But where to begin?
If you say you love the Ramones, people will know you’re a poseur. So here’s a list of alternative bands you can safely say you’re into and probably nobody can disprove it. Be willing to go out on a limb; say you hate a band on this list, you’ll look even more discerning.
50. The Pixies— Yes, yes the obvious riff inspire-ers of Weezer, Nirvana and about every band that ever existed, but were better looking and made videos that weren’t just a VHS tape of weird heads, or a long shot of ugly people jumping over rocks.
49. The Promise Ring— A symbolic place holder for any decent 2nd wave Emo. If you don’t know what Emo is, look it up on Wikipedia, then use it incorrectly, just like 14 yr. old girls do.
48. Wesley Willis— It takes a supremely evolved sense of irony to endure the repetitive pre-programmed synthesizer tracks and mentally ill rantings of Chicago alternative musician, “outsider artist” and bus riding crazytime that is Welsely Willis. Just tell everyone you think he “whips a dead bison’s ass” and you’ll be golden.
47. Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five— Back when rap (as it used to be called in the Mesozoic Era) still had that dorky up beat…and black guys could still wear tight jeans.
46. Bad Religion— Pretentious, preachy punk music that screams, “I had a social conscience in MIDDLE SCHOOL!”
45. The Specials— And while you’re at it, say Madness sucks. It’s so inflammatory, people will be bound to respect you.
44. Ani D’Franco…if you’re a dude. If you’re a college girl, no one will be surprised anyway. In fact, you can’t NOT like her. You four-year-queer.
43. Sonic Youth— If you’re under the age of 20. Defiantly liking your parents’ music is ironically post-anti-something or other. “Hey, these guys are kind of boring. Awesome!”
42. Oingo Boingo— Or as you call them, The Mystic Knights, just to confuse people. You’re that guy at the party that needs everyone to know you followed Danny Elfman’s early career. When he was only a “pre-clear” receiving his first “audits,” and not an operating 10th level thetan… or some other kind of “weird science.”
41. The Modern Lovers— its so punk it’s not even discernibly punk. It just sounds like two cornball nerds making noise about being lonely.
40. Joy Division— NOT New Order. Knowing how to play your instruments— so corporate.
39. Nirvana— Incesticide is the only disc you can be caught dead saying you like. Be careful not to show it off too much, or people might spot it’s a reprint.
38. The Strokes— Their first single, BEFORE their first album came out and they went all soft. You heard of them like 6 months before anyone. You got the UK single.
37. Yeah Yeah Yeahs— For even more indie cred, say you wanna fuck Karen O. Hint, this works for men AND women.
36. Hives— Say you liked them 15 years ago, even though you’re secretly shocked they’ve been around that long.
35. Johnny Cash— This is starting to stretch credibility since everyone likes him now, but you’ll almost be slugged for not saying it.
34. Blind Lemon— Anyone + dead = real artist.
33. The Dolls— Don’t be all caught callin’ ‘em The New York Dolls, that’s a red flag.
32. Bloc Party— On second thought. Never mind.
31. Franz Ferdinand— If you had said it like 3 years ago.
30. Miles Davis— You must own EVERYTHING to make this work. This screams “I’m a pretentious black/white bohemian, and I’ve got a fuckin’ killer CD collection. Sit on my face ladies.”
29. Kate Bush— “She has such great Yin energy. Tori totally bit her style,”...is what you’ll say.
28. RUN-DMC— Only pull this maneuver if you can produce, like, an original LP or no one will ever buy it. Dude you were 4. Oh, and apparently their duet with Aerosmith was a real moment in world history. It was seriously important, really. No. Really.
27. The Charlatans— Don’t call them Charlatans UK you stupid Fuck.
26. Morrisey— Yes, yes, we believe you. You’re “bi” sexual.
25. Rush— Try not to vomit while pretending you love them.
24. Tripping Daisy— Who? Exactly.
23. The Cure— Sigh. (whilst doing robot dance) [Obligatory inclusion. Obligatory inclusion.]
22. Bad Brains— Probably too smart and talented to be a hardcore band. Which is why you’re so totally too smart and talented to NOT be completely over their asses already.
21. Pearl Jam— Keepin’ it so, so real and so, so crusty.
20. Charlie Pride— 3 words. Black. Country. Singer. He also had bi-polar disorder, a requisite for any real artist.
19. The Smiths— Only self-mutilating art schoolgirls like that poseur Morrisey.
18. Dead Boys— A band that wipes it’s VD encrusted dick with the Sex Pistols. Stiv Bators was practically made of scabs.
17. The Dead Kennedys— Be prepared to sing along. You will be tested.
16. The Dead Milkmen— Be prepared to not confuse them with the Dead Kennedys.
15. The Dead— Whatever hackysack kicking hippie shit head. At least it’s better than Fish, right?— Right?
14. The Talking Heads— Among other things, the originators of “token girl bassist.” Everyone bit on that shit.
13. Patsy Kline— Something nice to kill yourself to.
12. The Jam— Remember that one song you liked. They did it.
11. The Damned— You masturbated thinking about this band in high school, you goth loser.
10. Elvis— can be pulled off in ironic u-turn by minorities and Jews.
9. Neil Diamond— The Jewish Elvis. Only works for gentiles.
8. The Beatles— Pick your albums wisely. There is such a thing as TOO early when it comes to the Beatles.
7. The Gyspsy Kings—Yay, you’ve heard of a European folk band! The Romany equivalent of Los Lobos. Warning: You’re mom’s new boyfriend likes them.
6. Billie Holliday— Lazy bath-sex music.
5. Parliament— And say you hate Funkadelic for no good reason. The backing track to every shitty/good hip-hop song made between ‘88 and ‘93.
4. Pink Floyd— Sid Barret era. Despite the band being much better without a schizophrenic lead weight tied to their ankles, despite Dave Gilmour’s superior guitar playing and Roger Waters song writing ability. Despite The Wall, Dark Side and Wish You Were Here—you just fricking Looooove Syd and want to maaaary him cuz he’s a geeeenius. And by genius, we mean crazy.
3. Living Colour— No joke here. Seriously. They were a pretty fuckin’ good band. Whatever happened to those dudes?
2. Fugazi— The most awesome and influential band that like, ever existed, didn’t you know? The fuckfaces responsible for the Straight Edge movement, vegetarian punk singers, “Emocore,” apparently, and annoying home made basement recording studios— named Dischord.
NOTE: Fugazi will officially cover both The Minor Threat entry and the Black Flag entry, so fuck you and don’t write in.
And the number 1 poseur choice of all time:
1. Bob Dylan— You’re a gay communist if you like him. You’re a gay communist if you don’t. Either way, an unassailable choice in good, old school, socially conscious, Romantic-era-poetry-referencing “Croak” Rock. By now you should know, when he went electric, he like went so totally _________.](VH1s50Most_files/shapeimage_2.png)
*VH1, MTV Networks and it’s subsidiaries are in no way affiliated with this site or any 50 most important bands for poseurs list. This is parody and is therefore protected under whatever that same cloak of shit SNL always uses is. It’s a total buzzkill that we even have to put this disclaimer.
If VH1 wants to be supremely fuckin’ weak, they can make us take this down.
