UNNECESSARY EXPERIMENTS
1.) “The Comfort Suit”
I noticed that people in NYC were in agony. Girls were hobbling around in uncomfortable boots. Guys were wearing jeans that chaffed them dry. What happened to comfort? I assembled a suit of Hanes Premium® sweat gear. Then, I took it out on the town. Nightclubs, errands, subways, meetings--I did everything in my comfort suit for two weeks. VERDICT: My life improved dramatically-- I was more productive, more limber, and my skin developed a healthy sheen. I can wholeheartedly recommend a comfort suit for daily wear.
2.) “Penis Enlargement”
Over the course a month, I typically receive an average of 22 junk emails stating that my penis
could grow larger by using their product. In the past, I have immediately deleted these mails. But recently, I have been saving them. I intend to act on each and every offer that comes through my inbox: creams, pumps, pills, tools, and sexy websites. My penis will be large soon. At the moment, I am consulting my doctor to see if this project would be dangerous to me or my penis in any way.
3.) “Band Names”
The record industry is hurting for sales these days. People are stealing their music online.
Yet, more and more people are eating tapas--the delicious Spanish cuisine. At least four tapas restaurants have opened in my neighborhood alone. I am currently experimenting with combining tapas and band names, to boost record sales. VERDICT: If the word “tapas” is added to every band name, the record industry will go back to normal.
4.) “Beer Flavored Air”
After a hard day of work, I do enjoy a cold beer. I had imagined other ways to enjoy beer, without having to constantly lift the bottle up and down. After failed attempts to pour it into a humidifier and fill my apartment’s air with a warm beer mist, I decided the easiest way to get beer into the air was to simply leave a kettle of beer bubbling on the stove at all times. VERDICT: Beer flavored air is a fire hazard.
5.) “Books On Planes”
In this experiment, I unknowingly walked into Richard Cave’s experiment: On a recent flight to LaGuardia, a special gentleman named Mr. Richard Cave happened to leave a copy of Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn in the seat pocket. (I could tell it was his because his ticket was still in it, as a bookmark.) With all the effort made by Jet Blue and Delta to bring television and internet to people’s seats, why not books? VERDICT: Thank You Richard Cave (Dick Cave to Buddies).
