A Bad Night
I made the mistake recently of holding onto my mail and bills unopened -- and yesterday I realized that I had a couple dozen things to pay. Between stuff for my folks, their house and my own debts it was a nightmare.
And money is draining away like water. I can’t believe how quickly Dad’s savings are disappearing – it’s criminal.
And I’m not so good at handling the emotional tidal wave that follows that realization. Let’s face it, I suck at my own finances and now I’m trying to handle theirs as well – so I get to really really suck. I’m lousy with juggling multiple details. Thank jesus I don’t have kids – that extra layer would lead to my hospitalization.
Anyway, I was awake from just before 2am to just after 4am feeling literally dizzy with fear about the money. I tried reading aloud to calm myself – steady my mind and my upset stomach – and I did doze off again, so that meant about five hours of interrupted sleep.
It seemed a bit easier in the light of day. After all, I can only do what I can do. If the house will sell it’ll get so much easier. If I can get through the next few months it’ll get easier.
God, just when I think it’ll all start to fall into place, my guilt, my sense of being cut-off, my fear, my anger all ball up and start spinning again. It’s horrible.
Monday, March 31, 2008
