Noah, you should have gone to Boarding School when you had the chance...

...cause look at you now. Buried under who know what pieces of the parking garage at the Clear Springs Resort and Casino, fighting for your bratty little life. That’s what you get for not following the wise advice of those of us here at The Wine and The Are who told you weeks ago to get your butt to Switzerland. The fact is this: unless you are my nephew, Griffin, children should not act. That seems self-evident to me, but the thick heads up at CBS haven’t quite figured out the “Town Without Children” show concept yet. We await that glorious day.

Heaven only knows if anyone is going to make it out alive from under this latest tragedy, except for Nick and Sharon. Where’s the Ghost of Jack’s father when he really needs him? Can’t he move a few rocks with his Heavenly Powers instead of just standing around in squeaky shoes lecturing all the time?

Fer godssakes. We suppose, to be fair, that John F. Smith and his Band of Merry Pranksters haven’t killed anyone off in... oh... at least WEEKS, so in their minds, it’s got to be time for a mass killing, because winter isn’t going to be long and depressing enough! We forsee a world popuated by Jill, Victor, Brad, Phyllis, Daniel, and Neil. Those seem to be the only people NOT at Clear Springs. Why, we at The Wine and The Are should be at Clear Springs too! I understand the NVP Spa there is top of the line.

I digress.

The worst part about all of this, of course, is not the property damage, the devastating loss of life, the broken bones and Methane poisoning, or even the ruin of Nikki Newman and Katherine Chancellor; no, the worst part about it all is that no one is wearing anything stupid amid all the carnage! It’s been quite some time since we gaped at anyone’s terrible wardrobe and uttered an echoing “Yi!” The last time we saw Victoria, her maternity garb didn’t (for a change) resemble a Prom dress, and even Amber (ASIDE to CBS: Get Rid of Amber! How many times do we have to say it?) seems to be dressing in a semi-normal manner.

What the hell has happened? Has The Wine and Are cultivated some sort of fashion sense? Perish the thought. As it is, we can’t see anyone’s clothing under all the rubble. They could be wearing burlap sacks and green tafetta ball gowns with big butt-ribbons for all we know. Dear CBS, turn the lights back on, please.

In the meantime, we wish we didn’t care about who lives and who wants off the show, but sadly, we do. So we’ll keep watching until we know, and then we might just take a break for the dust to settle and watch some Daniel Craig movies. Because that would be new.

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Death and destruction is the one Y&R event that goes well with any cheap table wine and cheese melties with liverwurst. Next week, as we watch the Genoa Citiziens pick up the pieces of their shattered lives and dreams, we’ll be cheering them on with big Crimson Lights mugs full of Naked Grape. Somehow it seems appropriate.

We enjoy Naked Grape with nearly all the best disasters in Genoa City: natural, architectural, emotional, and otherwise. We enjoy its crispness and flavour, but most of all, we enjoy its cheapness. We’re cheap here at The Wine and The Are. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

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I’m thoroughly enjoying the 50th anniversary Original Scroll reprint of Kerouac’s On the Road. I feel like I’m reading an unknown and recently unearthed manuscript!

“Gee, mom and Dad. The Swiss Miracle Growth Boarding School doesn’t sound all that bad after all!”

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Noah, you should have gone to Boarding School when you had the chance...