The 1970s called. They want their sunglasses back.

Here at the Wine and the Are, we do love retro. But even we have our limits. Goria’s “Stomping Out Of Abbott Mansion Leaving Jeffrey To Chuckle Nefariously” sunglasses are completely over the top, but even we have to admit that they do add a bit of timeless kitsch to the jungle prints she’s repeatedly got going these days. At least they distract us from her leopard-printed butt while she’s wearing them.

Gloria’s not been falling-down-drunk with Jeffrey Bardwell since the time her plan to get him drunk and steal back the tainted face cream resulted in her barfing all over the Presidential Suite at the GCAC, but these glasses? We dig them the most. Perfect hangover glasses. We think she should hang onto them for the next drinking/poisoning/blackmailing/murder plot that backfires on her. Hide your shame, Gloria. Hide your shame.

Sadly, Gloria doesn’t get out much - and it doesn’t seem to be sunny in Genoa City except for the day of the (now defunct) Newman Ranch Fourth of July Barbeque - which makes us think we won’t be seeing much of these glasses in the future.

It’s a great tragedy. Nothing will help us get over the painful trauma caused by the disappearance of some of our favourite ... but what’s THIS? Why, it’s John Abbott in the flesh! But is it John? No! It appears to be a three-way cross between John Abbott, Sherlock Holmes, and a Santa Claus with the worst accent since Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder tried to be British in Bran Stoker’s Dracula and said things like “We must reti-ah to the caaahstle.”

Boy, Jerry Douglas must be really regretting getting himself bumped off a while back. These days, we see more of his dead corpse stalking about than we do of Amber. Which is good.

[Dear CBS: Get Rid Of Amber. Love, The Wine and the Are.]

While we’re always delighted to see John Abbott, we like that his new part in the show is a silent, ghostly one, as we have absolutely no idea what country this character could possibly be from. You could almost see it on Jack and Sharon’s face when they saw him. “Wow,” they seemed to be saying, “That’s one crap accent you got going there, old man.” Of course, when said old man shaves and cleans up, he looks (believe it or not) exactly like John Abbott. Well, they say everyone has a double. As far as we can tell, they all live in the same city as the people they uncannily resemble. Remember Madge, the waitress from the greasy spoon up the highway who looked exactly like Kay Chancellor? We do, but we estimate we’re older than you, and have been watching the show longer.

Not to be outdone, Nick Newman showed up at the offices of Restless Style the other day wearing, as Balke from Perfect Strangers called it, “a Dacron 1982 Checkerboard Sweater.” I expected the whole design team to break into the funky dance from A Charlie Brown Christmas. I think I saw a piano in that office...

Ah, Chuck. Nick has joined your loyal ranks. And why is Balke from Perfect Strangers in Genoa City being a marketing whiz anyway? Occasionally, we feel like we’re in a parallel universe when watching this show, but that could just be the wine.

Speaking of wine (which we generally are around here), we’ve made our own here at The Wine and the Are and have been enjoying homemade (and maddeningly good) Chardonnay lately. We let it cook a little longer than usual, so we think it’s about 40 proof. That helps while suffering through the horror that is John Abbot’s Lookalike’s Accent.

~~~

The Wine and the Are has been preempted the past few day. Apparently, there’s Some Holiday that’s causing it not to be on. The nerve of the stupid Holiday Committee. The words running across the top of the screen above the 15-year-old Seinfeld rerun yesterday, however, assured us it would be back today. In the meantime, I’m reading James Bond. Again. For the 40th time.

The “Dinner Plates For Eyes” look is Real In.

Friday, March 21, 2008

The 1970s called. They want their sunglasses back.