By Kim Cooper - Author of “Back from the Looking Glass” - Living with the disorder that causes emotional and domestic abuse

Because of our belief that abusive relationships can be resolved into happy ones, many make the incorrect assumption that I do not really understand the seriousness of the problem. I hope that you enjoy this article, which is a personal story on anger management that I would like to share with you. I hope it might give you a picture of just what I was up against and some of what I did about it.

Anger Management

I was delighted when my husband Steve first agreed to attend anger management classes. Knowing what I do now, I would have seen the warning signs immediately that things were going terribly wrong. Oh how much I have learned!

Steve got home from his first anger management session making arrogant comments about the woman teaching the class. I didn’t pay much attention, I was just glad that he was going. Many months later when I had discovered the full extent of his lies, the whole story of these anger management classes unravelled (in a moment of him being completely carried away with his ego) and the truth of what had really happened emerged.

His disdain for the woman teaching the class had come from the fact that he had convinced her early on that he was in fact the victim in our relationship, and established her as source of sympathy and supply. He thought this was incredibly amusing and himself very clever especially considering her position, being an apparent ‘expert’ with D.V. perpetrators. He actively seduced her in front of the other men during classes (what a hero!) but thought her a complete fool for falling for it. Classic NPD! The game started to come unstuck for him however when she started showing up at the bar where he worked. He had never had any intention of sleeping with her, his game had been cruel sport in front of the other men, at her expense, but now things where getting too close for comfort. He told her that he had resolved things with me and she left after her second visit, humiliated and crushed.

The way Steve changed while telling me this story was interesting. He started so cocky so amused with his own superiority to this woman that he couldn’t help himself, he had to tell me. As the story unfolded to the point of her following him to the bar and he recalled the hurt and confusion that she displayed when he sent her away, however, I could sense a real horror enveloping him. We talked about it and got to the bottom of that. It had not been a game for her, she had really believed him, he knew the truth of why he was in those classes, and he was ashamed of why he was there, yet the world had offered no one better to help him than an unprepared and vulnerable woman who was in reality no match for him. It was too easy, and in the end he was the ultimate loser. He was disappointed and I think even angry at God.

I believe in anger management. There are some terrific books on emotional intelligence that I recommend highly. There is a voice inside us when we are angry that tells us we should listen to it. Learning that we can take note of what has made us angry and then decide to override this emotion and self soothe and calm down has been shown in studies to be one of the most important life skills a person can learn. The process that overrides major emotional upsets is called a vagus nerve response. As we exercise this response it gets stronger. Having this response system strong and healthy is an even higher indicator than intelligence for success in life. People don’t like hot heads!

That said, most men do have the ability to override their anger. They do not pick fights with their boss or guys bigger than them. They will call this response into play or not pick a fight in the first place if they know that there will be consequences. Organising early intervention for yourself so that there are immediate and real consequences for your abusive partner if they intimidate you is very real anger management!

After I finally got good advice and implemented zero tolerance and early intervention, Steve got a lot more benefit from parent training classes than he did from the anger management classes. There was an older guy running this class who had the strength of purpose and character to help Steve feel safe. The other guys in his class were D.V. perpetrators as well, and at one class in the beginning they started laughing and speaking disrespectfully about women. The teacher stopped them and said very directly that he was obliged by law to inform the police of anything amiss that he heard them speak about in class. He said “I am obliged to report what I hear and I will.” Steve remembered that and he liked it. Here finally was a man with values and principles that was tough enough to stand up to him. Steve lapped it up. He had been longing for this his whole life. He attended every class, and he became so much better at parenting that I began learning some things from him.

As for the anger management class story? Well I had some real anger to manage around that one! I learned after that, that the second I hear Steve speaking haughtily about a woman not knowing her job or him knowing better than her etc. I go on alert and I know that something is amiss. The woman teaching that class shouldn’t have been there and as wrong as what Steve did was it would have been hard for him to explain that to anyone. Internally he was very disappointed. It was a big step him joining that class and he needed someone stronger and wiser at the helm than what he got.

When I first published my guide it had the by line - Parenting and adult narcissist. This was one of the areas where I had to become a parent for Steve for awhile, if his social worker, teachers etc. were not up to the job of handling someone as manipulative and deceitful as my husband, I would step in and give them a better idea of what they were up against and what was going to be required or help him find someone more appropriate.

Steve never picks fights now, never. He is so committed to us. I stopped smoking completely about 6 months ago, after being on and off the cigarettes for few years, and even though I have gained weight and sometimes find Steve’s attention a little embarrassing, he is so devoted to me and the kids now that it is really wonderful. I am family. Not tolerating his BS and getting the authorities on my side has made him feel really safe with me.

For more information on Kim’s guide please visit the home page of this site here

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