This week’s topic for Seek the Lord Sunday is rather ambitious: Tell us about how following Christ has had an impact on your marriage. Whew, where do I even begin? (And working on this way too late probably won’t help my thought processes.)

The reason this is a tough topic os because, unquestionably, following Christ, believing in Him, affects every aspect of our lives. It might be easier to recognize how it has affected a marriage if one’s obedience changed after they were first married--there’d be a clear “before I walked with Christ” and “after I walked with Christ.” Scott and I had both been Christians for several years by the time we met and married--we were even in seminary when we met, both thinking we were going to pursue vocational ministry--so the many ways that walking with Christ changes a person’s perspective and attitudes had already started to take effect. Not to say we didn’t still make plenty of ungodly choices and mistakes, but it is to say--it’s hard to fully know how our love for Jesus has affected our marriage.

One area I can attest to, as did Daiquiri in her original post, is the area of submission. The Bible instructs wives to submit to their husbands, and husbands to be head over the whole family. I knew even when we married that this was my desire--I believe it is a worthy and godly instruction. Not because husbands are smarter, greater, or more worthy in God’s eyes--I don’t believe that is the basis for this teaching. It is simply because that is the role God has given to men. I’m not so old-fashioned that I think only women can cook and clean and only men can work, but I do believe that, generally speaking, a woman’s role in marriage is to be 1) caregiver of children, if the family is so blessed, and 2) manager of the home, and husbands are 1) providers for the financial needs of the family, 2) final decision-makers, 3) protectors. When I say generally, what I mean is, there are many circumstances when a woman will work, within or outside the home, with God’s blessing. Sometimes the woman may earn more than the man. Husbands can and should participate in the care of the children, and also ought to pitch in around the house out of honor for their wives (that is another part of the verse--husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church. That is sacrificially! Really, who here has the higher call, women who have to submit, or men who have to lay down their lives?!) And the role that is given to husbands, to be head over the household, has nothing to do with worth or qualification, but it is simply the role that God has ordained for families.

So I always intended to submit to my husband. But I was surprised how it transpired when I first had to actually do it. I thought it would be some big decision, we’d disagree, we’d discuss, pray, still not agree, and finally, Scott would make the final decision. But we have yet to encounter a single situation like that. In the important decisions in our lives, I don’t think we have ever still been in disagreement when the time came to make the decision.The first time I had to submit (many of my friends have probably heard this story) was over our cat. Before Scott and I married, I insisted that we get a cat. I was looking forward to about a month of alone time right after we married when Scott would be at chaplain school (and when I say “looking forward to” I really mean “anticipating with dread”) and I wanted some company. We got a cute kitten, brought her home, loved her, declawed and spayed her, had a blast with her crazy cat ways. She furred up the house quite a bit, and before we managed to yank the claws, (you can’t do it when they’re really young) she ruined our leather furniture and a couple of sets of drapes. Time went by, we had a baby, and Scott grew increasingly annoyed with the cat. She’d swipe at us or hiss out of the blue, and she did not like Gabrielle. She even snapped at us with her teeth a couple of times, though never causing harm. I didn’t think she’d ever hurt Gabrielle, and even thought they’d grow up to be the best of friends. Meanwhile, Scott was expressing even greater annoyance at the liberal dusting of cat hair on his pants every morning, the way her sleeping body had deformed the back of our armchair, and his feeling that our kitchen counters were never truly clean because who knows what the cat is up to every night when we’re in bed? Oh, and she woke us up at 5 to be fed, even on the weekends. And I just kept saying to myself “if he asks me to get rid of her, I’ll do it. I’ll submit, as soon as he asks me to.” And one day I heard a voice (could it be the Holy Spirit?) say “you know what he wants you to do, even if he hasn’t asked outright--now is the time to submit.” So with great sadness and not a few tears, I told Scott what I had realized, and offered to get rid of the cat. I absolutely refused to take her to an animal shelter--I said we had to wait until we actually found a home for her. We sent out an email letting people know our sweet cat was up for a new home, and within 15 minutes, we had found a good home for her. (And I sobbed like a baby the day we delivered her. She didn’t want me to leave her behind! But she’s content there now--they don’t put her on a diet, so she’s fat and happy.)

Anyway, that whole long story was my way of introducing something I learned about marriage. Sometimes the opportunity to submit is not obvious. Many times, my husband is not going to come out and ask me to do it. It will come from me knowing what he needs or wants of me, and being willing to do it without him asking. It goes along with some of the general truths of the Christian life, that we can take into all relationships--love others as Christ first loved us, serve others, lay down our lives for our friends, bless those who persecute you. (Ok, we’re talking about husbands here, but don’t you, dear readers, ever feel just a little bit persecuted in your own house?) As I write about all this, I must be the first to confess I am terrible about this, but I understand this is my call as a wife/mom. Every day I realize I am screwing up royally, and I start again with the prayer--”Lord, help me be a servant! Help me put aside myself and my pride and my wants, and look to my Master’s hand for direction. Help me find ways to bless my husband and kids, not look for ways to have them bless me.”

There was so much more I wanted to write about in this post, but it would turn out to be so long no one would want to read the whole thing. Maybe this topic should be a two-parter. Or more. My other thoughts: how we guard our marriage against the temptation to stray; marriage is the best possible relationship in which to give and receive grace; how a relationship with Christ re-orders your familial priorities. Maybe I’ll touch on these later. Visit Daiquiri’s website to read other people’s thoughts on this subject.