Raise you hand if you knew that April is National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. That’s what I thought. Though it has been recognized in some provinces since as far back as 1988, most of us probably pay more attention to the fact that it’s playoff season. Hey, talking about sexual assault is a downer, right? Can’t survivors just get over it and move on with their lives? Besides, most of them probably did something to ask for it? Or they probably made up or at least exaggerated what happened to them.

Sadly, these persisting attitudes towards sexual assault are the very reason why we need to devote a month to remind people of just how prevalent and very real sexual assault is. Unfortunately, too many people think that feminists “took back the night” back in the early 90s and we could safely put that whole business on the back burner and focus on less somber causes.

And it’s true that, according to Statistics Canada, the number of reported sexual assaults went down about 7.3% between 1998 and 1999 but considering only about 6% of sexual assaults are even reported to the police, that’s hardly uplifting news. A METRAC (Metropolitan Action Committee on Violence Against Women and Children) Violence Against Women Survey found that 51% of all Canadian women have experienced at least one incident of sexual or physical violence in their lifetime. And contrary to popular belief, you are more likely to be assaulted by someone you know than by a stranger lurking in the bushes.

So yes, sexual assault is still very much an issue.

And if you’re someone who has experienced it, know someone who has experienced it, or simply want some real insight into the experience, you must read Carly Milne’s Sexography, a detailed (at 400+ pages, very detailed) chronicle of one woman’s life -- a life that experienced incest, sexual abuse and rape -- from victim to empowerment

Milne, who spent her childhood being shuffled between Edmonton and Calgary, found herself wondering why nobody had ever written anything about what they learned about sexuality from birth to present day.

“There were always snippets of stories that said things like, ‘Carol was raped at 15 and went through therapy to get through it, and now she leads a happy sexual life!’ What was her life like before the rape? How did she feel while it was happening? What did she think and feel about her sexuality?”

Milne provides this context and, with raw honesty and even humour, tell her sexual story.

From the awkwardness of the first time she touched a penis:

"It was sort of soft, but cold. And a little slimy. Kind of like a frozen slug. [...] I walked all the way home rubbing my hand on my jeans, my jacket, anywhere I could to get the penis-feel off  of it."

To first-time disappointment:

“I didn't regret having sex with Cody but wasn't it supposed to feel...I don't know, earth shattering? Stupendously amazing? Wasn't I supposed to dissolve into a quivering mass of tears because I'd just Become a Woman? I still felt the same for him, but all I could think about at that moment as whether or not that evening's rerun of The Arsenio Hall Show was going to be one I'd already taped.”

Milne wrestles with the complex issues surrounding inappropriate sexual behaviour, grappling with the subtleties, the grayness of it all. The my word against his stuff. The guilt. The self doubt when your abuser is someone who is supposed to love and protect you. Maybe you did make it up.

Ironically, it was a brief stint where she was reviewing porn for a company when she was handed a video version of Staci Haines 1999 book Healing Sex: The Survivor’s Guide to Sex when the light went on for Carly. The film talked about how different people react in different ways to sexual trauma and offered body/mind exercises to once again become fully sexual. Just this year, Haines came out with an updated second edition of her book called  Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma and I'd say it's required reading for anyone who has suffered sexual trauma or abuse.

Because it’s not just about surviving, it’s about restoring the pleasure associated with sex, something that is unfairly robbed from you by sexual trauma.

In an article by Jenny Block in the April 11th issue of the Huffington Post (huffingtonpost.com), she writes:  “I forget sometimes how lucky I am. How lucky I am to have been able to come into my sexuality the way I have, without abuse, without religious fervor, without judgment. But as I am having that thought, as I am writing it down, I feel sick to my stomach. Why should I feel ‘lucky’ to be in a situation that all women (all people) should be in? Well, because I am. That's the ugly truth about it. And too many women are not so lucky.”

A good thing to be aware of, not just this month, but all year long.

For more info on Carly Milne, go to carlymilne.net