Dear Dating Girl,

I have been seeing this woman for a while and I recently found out that she had a crush on me for about a year before I actually talked to her. We’ve recently decided to just be friends because we felt like things were moving too fast. She calls me late at night to tell me her problems etc. But every time we go out together we always end up in heated conversation, flirting and eventually hugging and touching to the point that people think that we are a couple. How can I tell her I want more than just being a fling friend?

Thrown By Fling

Dear Thrown,

I don’t know what exactly constituted “moving too fast” in your books but this woman liked you for a year before you went out. I wouldn’t call that moving too fast. Obviously the two of you are more than friends already (most friends I know don’t flirt, hug, or touch when they’re out together) so telling her that you enjoy that aspect of being “friends” would be an obvious way to let her know you want more. What would be more important for the two of you to discuss is what exactly didn’t work or felt “too fast” when you were dating and address that. How can the two of you take things more slowly and give each other the time and space to ease into this relationship? What do each of you expect out of a relationship? What would it take to get you on the same page? Also, word of advice, while a partner is certainly a good person to use as a sounding board and to share our problems with, her late night calling to talk about her “problems etc.” concerns me. Maybe the “etc.” is all good but calling you late at night to unburden her problems doesn’t seem all that healthy. I try to keep that stuff for friends. To me it’s setting up a dangerous precedent in which your partner becomes your dumping ground.

Searching For Meaning

Dear Dating Girl,

My girlfriend and I disagree as to what constitutes dating. She is seeing a man about three times a week. She visits him once during the week for a couple of hours and stays over weekend evenings but leaves early morning and does not spend the whole weekend with him. Their relationship is based on if and when he wants to see her and I think it is mostly just for the sex. I also know he is seeing other women on the side -- he asked me out while he was dating her! I think that he is scum but she thinks he is great and takes the crumbs he offers her. To me, she’s the perfect victim for this kind of guy. What is wrong with her and why does this guy treat her so bad?

Searching for Meaning

Dear Looking,

Good thing you don’t have to sleep with the scumbag, hey? Look, our friends do all kinds of idiot stuff when it comes to relationships that we don’t understand and would never do ourselves. But, as a dear friend of mine once told me, you can’t save anyone when it comes to relationships. She thinks the guy’s great. You think he’s scum. You couldn’t really be further apart on the subject. You may be right but you are also not in the relationship, or whatever you care to call it. Maybe it works for your friend. Maybe that’s all she wants from him. Or maybe, as you put it, she’s settling for “crumbs” and getting treated badly but as long as its working on some level for her, your criticism is likely only going to succeed in pushing your friend further away from you, where you won’t even be able to subtly influence her with your clearly superior relationship skills. Love your friend. Make her feel great, special and deserving and maybe she’ll start to believe it and see what you see.