Dear Dating Girl,

A few months ago, I met a guy at work. I made the first step and, to my big surprise, he agreed to go out for a drink with me. On the date, we started talking about previous relationships and he admitted to me that he’d never had a girlfriend. I told him I’d never had a boyfriend either. He said it was good that we were on the same page and that we should see where things would go. After this, he never called. The next time I ran into him at work, we talked casually but he didn’t mention anything about what he’d said. I recently found out that he started going out with another girl from work. I’ve since turned the page but I need to know: why talk about the possibility of starting something when you’re clearly not interested? We’re both young and I know this kind of stuff sorts itself out as you get older, but right now, it’s confusing and upsetting because he made me feel like there was something there. I hate to feel sorry for myself but I need to know what happened.

From Something To Nothing

Dear Something,

I know it’s hard to accept that people say one thing and do another but you best get used to it. Because that aspect of dating doesn’t sort itself out, no matter how old you get. When it comes to dating people say all kinds of things they don’t really mean or that they may think they mean at the time but later realize they only meant in the moment. And sometimes there’s not always a clear explanation. It’s not necessarily because they intentionally want to lie to you or mislead you or send the wrong message. More often than not, they’re saying what they really feel, at least in that moment. Or they’re saying what they think you want to hear. Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter. While the disconnect between what someone says on a first date and what they ultimately do can be confusing and make you doubt your judgment, you’ll spend less time scratching your head if you go in with your expectations in check until you find out if the person meant what they said. It will make it easier to really turn the page if they didn’t.  Consider this a lesson learned. Don’t drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. And definitely don’t feel sorry for yourself.

Not My Kind of Friends

Dear Dating Girl,

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and dated for at least 10 years prior to that. Recently, my wife has taken to answering personal ads through free classified sites on the internet. This has happened twice that I know of and I’m currently living through the second occasion. She seems to pick married guys who have posted ads without their wives knowing. My wife is ok with this, which I can’t understand. She says she’s just trying to find a friend and, indeed, her first ad was placed in the “strictly platonic” category. She insists her relationship with these guys is friendship, nothing more. Initially, this seemed true but then she started sharing sexual information to him, like the fact that she sleeps in the nude and how she likes to pleasure herself. This is not the kind of conversation I have with “friends.” After much heated discussion and some counseling, she stopped communicating with this guy. But now she’s “friends” with another guy who says he plans to divorce his wife once the kids are grown and is looking for female friendship in the meantime. When I challenge her, she continues to insist this is just about friendship but as far as I’m concerned, married couples don’t have secret friendships with married men (I only found out about all this because I accidently looked at her email when I was passing by). She says she has nothing to hide. Am I overreacting?

Not My Kind of Friends

Dear Not,

I wonder how your wife would feel if you suddenly had a new female friend with whom you shared your sleeping apparel and masturbation habits. I guarantee she wouldn’t be nearly as understanding as you’re being. What your wife is doing is not only disrespectful, her defense of it is deluded at best, insulting at worst. While the internet has brought the world many wonderful things, the ability for unhappily married people to so easily connect with other unhappily married people and carry on an intimate “relationship” without even having to leave the comfort of their home is one of it’s dark corners. And yes, I do believe your wife is unhappily married. She wouldn’t be doing this if she weren’t no matter how much she tries to convince herself and you otherwise. But, rather than confront and deal with what is making her unhappy in her marriage, again, thanks to the internet, quick and easy temporary relief is just a click away. So I’m 100% behind you on this one. You are not overreacting. I am not someone who believes that couples can’t have friendships outside of their relationship, even friends of the opposite sex, but this generally only works if the friend also has some kind of relationship with the two of you as a couple. That is not the case here. You need to confront your wife and tell her that her behaviour is both hurtful and disrespectful and that, if she is unhappy in your marriage, she needs to be honest with herself and with you and come clean about it.