The Blog of Joel Cooper

Bondi Clown School

Wed, 1 Apr 2009 19:22:26 +1100

You might think at first that Bondi Rescue is a pretty mediocre show, but hear me out here. It centres on a team of paid lifeguards, who after years of paying their due at crappy suburban beaches, reach the big time rescuing thousands of bad swimmers at the mighty Bondi Beach. I can understand Bondi being used as the location here. It’s like the Wimbledon of surf clubs and these brave heroes are on centre court. That’s exciting stuff!

Now what other things do you think of when someone mentions Bondi? If you said “Vet”, you’d be spot on. Not just happy to be the surf capital of Australia, apparently Bondi kicks arse in the veterinarian department too. I always wondered why I didn’t see too many injured animals kicking about when I was down at the beach and now I know why.

And when it’s no longer summer in Australia, it’s back to the Bondi surf lifesaving team. This time strutting their stuff in Bali, yet keeping a firm grip on their “Bondi” status.

While the mighty Channel 10 is on a role, surely there’s a host of other shows they could make. Here are some suggestions:

• Bondi Gynaecologist
• Bondi Abattoir
• Bondi Clown School
• Bondi Tax Return Specialists

If Channel 10 wants to be taken seriously, it had better get it’s act together. Because I’m no longer interested in watching a reality TV show unless it’s in Bondi form.

Wealthy Dogs

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 13:12:21 +1100

How smug and snooty are rich people’s dogs? Wearing those little jackets. Going everywhere in their owner’s little bag, yapping at everything as it goes. What’s really annoying is knowing that they got there through no work of their own – getting everything handed to them on a silver platter. Damn dogs never worked a day in their lives!

Australian Adison

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 18:20:15 +1100

There’s no doubt that the web is where media is heading. No matter the topic, there is a web site somewhere that will provide all sorts of interesting articles. So much so that I know many people who don’t bother with magazines anymore. Admittedly I’m not one of them. Yes I frequent many web sites and probably buy fewer magazines than I did in the past, but the quality of writing and the portability still makes the printed form worthwhile

But then again I’m a guy. Why does that matter you ask? On a recent family holiday, my wife and I decided to drop into a newsagent to stock up on some relaxing reading material. Amongst the magazines aimed at women, my wife decided to buy Australian Madison. This publication covers all the usual topics including fashion, career advice, cooking and real life stories. And at $8.95 this thick magazine looked like a good buy.

A look inside however was pretty disappointing to say the least. Of the 279 pages I counted, 77 of these were ads. Which left 202 pages of content. Upon even further inspection I soon discovered that another 20 of these were ads disguised as articles. That brought the ad page count up to 97! Nearly 35% of this magazine was ads. Or put even more bluntly, more than 1 out of every 5 pages was junk. I’m not even going to count that many of the other pages were cross promotions. Perhaps the publishers should consider a name change to “Australian Adison”.

Sure many of the advertisements are aimed at women of a certain age and I understand that many women would be quite interested to flick through what these companies are pushing. But is this really worth the $8.95 asking price or $59.95 for a yearly subscription? I think Madison’s publisher should be paying them to take a copy. Or better yet, how about I give their readers the username and password of my long abandoned Hotmail account. There’d be enough junk, ads and scams in there to keep them amused for days.

Do you know more trivial junk than a 5th grader?

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 15:36:12 +1000

For those who don’t know the format, the quiz show “Are you smarter than a 5th Grader” puts a fully-grown adult against five smart alec kids. Theoretically, the contestant is asked a series of questions that are so easy, even a 5th grade student could answer them. The adult is then so bad that they need to cheat from these kids until they run out of lifelines and they bomb – having to then admit to the audience at home that they are not smarter than a fifth grader. And with Rove McManus at the helm, how can this show be anything but great?

The first thing you’ll notice is that these kids aren’t exactly a true representation of the average Australian 5th grade student. Something tells me that the chosen students enjoy school a little too much, taking any chance to put their hand up in class. There’s no Bart Simpson or Eric Cartman in this group.

Fair enough though. This is a game show, so why not vamp up the challenge a bit? But it’s not until you take a look at the questions being asked that you get an idea why so few people make it through without making a dick of themselves.

Case in point, last week’s episode found a jolly year 6 teacher flunk out after only two questions. This poor guy was not only a teacher himself, but someone who teaches students a year older than the show’s crew. One of the questions he had trouble with was “What is the professional name of the musician Alecia Moore?”. The answer was “Pink”. Oh you knew that did you little 5th grader? How smart are you to know the name of a current top 40 pop princess. Is this really what they’re teaching in 5th grade music?

It seems as though the formula for the show is to not put one’s mind against another. Rather it’s to ask a bunch of useless trivial questions that if indeed an adult was ever taught in primary school, would have long forgotten. Probably little of this stuff is ever used in day-to-day life.

I think before the adult admits to not being smarter, they should in turn give the kids a few tasks. Such as:

• Build a bridge
• Write a best selling novel
• Try a hand at playing the stock market
• Perform a quadruple bypass

What, you can’t do any of this stuff little Sean? FAIL!

* By the way, I just thought I’d let you know that I knew her name was Pink.

Chicken Cooked by Professionals

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 09:11:49 +1000

If you’ve been paying attention to the recent bout of KFC ads, you’ll be treated to a well-dressed woman who knows the ins and out of how fresh everything is that they serve. She then proceeds to put on an apron and says the reason she knows all this is that she’s the cook there and how there’s one of her in every store. Well good, it’s comforting to know that there’s a “cook” in this place whipping up all the chicken pieces, burgers and chips. But just “one” of her? So who are all the other people I see working there and what do they do?

KFC really seem to be making a big deal of this. But does this person crumb all the chicken herself in-house? Unlikely. Does this person cut all the potatoes into chip shapes before plunging them in oil? I doubt it. But yet, there’s something about her that warrants the grand “cook” title.

This cook must work some really long hours. But what happens if she is sick or needs a day off? Does KFC just shut their doors that day or do they temporarily serve up an inferior product? Anyway, all this talk is making me hungry. I’m off to get a Zinger Combo Meal.

Breath easy

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 20:00:13 +1000

Winter colds are going around. This is the period where a certain percentage of the office is sick at any one time. Sure it’s not fun having a headache, feeling constantly tired and having watery eyes, all the while coughing and sneezing. But I believe the worst of the lot are the blocked noses.

Have you ever wondered though, why your nostrils take it in turns being blocked? One breathes easy, while the other takes a day off. So obviously your body is smart enough to know that we still need to breathe and does its thing to clear the airways of one or your nostrils. I’m no doctor, but you’d think if your body knows how to do this, then it could just clear both and be done with it!

Baby Not Onboard

Wed, 9 Jul 2008 16:25:45 +1000

I was driving to the video shop the other day when I saw a station wagon with one of those “Baby on Board” signs. Now usually I’m a real menace on the road. If a car is in my way, I give it a little nudge. But this car had a “Baby Onboard” sign on the back and like most other people – I care about babies. So I started to follow the road rules, playing extra caution that there was always enough room between my car and theirs.

However, when it was safe to overtake, I noticed that although there was a baby seat in the back, there was no baby to be found. Little bub was still at home, and here was this mother making me drive unnecessarily safe! I think there should be fines for that sort of thing.

Australia’s Counter Café Culture

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 15:53:57 +1000

I never understood the point of Starbucks. Okay, it’s a shop that sells coffee. No not instant or even percolated coffee. Starbucks make the real deal. But so what? So does every other café on every corner in Australia.

It wasn’t until I went overseas that the penny dropped. Australia’s café culture has up until now been pretty unique. For many Americans though, Starbucks is an opportunity to get a nice espresso, cappuccino or latté. It’s a pretty big deal when they’re used to the weak percolated brew available at diners and donut shops.

Meanwhile, keeping up with the trend of Australians lapping up anything American, Starbucks after Starbucks keep popping up all over town down here. And worse still are that the Starbucks clones – the Gloria Jeans and Jamaica Blues – are proving just as successful.

Oh well no problem right? There’s plenty of real cafés to frequent. In fact just the other day I had some time to kill in a small suburb on Sydney’s northern outskirts, and decide to go sit down for a coffee. There was a nice cosy café over the road that I knew wasn’t there last time I visited, so in I went.

I was the only customer in there so decided to walk up to where the barista was poking about. She politely requested I order from the counter labelled “Order Here”. So over I walk and over she walks. I ask that because I’m drinking here, could I please take a seat? She agreed but asked me to order first. I place my order of a cappuccino and am asked for my name. “Wow, this chick’s friendly” I muse as I introduce myself and pay.

I take a seat and wait patiently for my order to arrive. Several minutes later I hear a voice announce “Joel… Coffee for Joel”. Oh wow, I guess I’m supposed to go and collect it myself from the counter? Up I trot collecting the mug and find myself asking why I was made a flat white instead of a cappuccino.

“Oh, the sugar and sprinkles are over there” she answers and goes back to her cleaning.

Since when have sprinkles been “do it yourself”???

So with Pete Murray playing softly in the background, I sit and gulp down my oversized, overpriced mug of milky, lukewarm coffee with self sprinkled chocolate then hightail out of there.

It’s great to see the small guys copying such a winning formula! Excuse me while I go grab myself a cup of tea.

Something about Wealth and Toil?

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 11:28:33 +1000

It’s State of Origin time. For many people this is a series of grand rivalry. It’s about watching two teams of Rugby League greats battling it out for 80 adrenaline fuelled minutes. For me though, it’s about watching 34 full-grown men stuff up the Australian National Anthem year after year.

It’s unlikely to catch any of the players by surprise. Many of them play three Origin games a year. Out of these players, half of them would play international games, and a few would play the grand final. The Australian Anthem is sung at all of these events. Yet year after year, these blokes mouth the words to themselves completely out of sync. Or they just mumble their own clueless variation.

How hard can it be? Primary school students sing the anthem before their weekly assembly. With the many times these players would have been exposed to this song in their youth, it’s a wonder they’re not singing it in their sleep.

If you’re not going to go to the trouble of learning the words, do yourself a favour and just stand there. Maybe stretch your neck or blow steam in the night air if you get fidgety. But you’re not fooling anyone with your miming.

The New New Hulk

Tue, 3 Jun 2008 09:15:57 +1000

Last night I saw an ad on TV for a new Incredible Hulk movie. Oh good, I liked the Hulk as a kid. I suppose it’s about time they made this into a movie. Wait a sec… They did! It stared Eric Baner and was released only a few years ago! So this one surely must be a sequel due to the first one being so well received. Wrong.

A quick visit to Wikipedia shows this is a completely different franchise. It doesn’t take off where the last one finished. In fact the Hulk himself is a less green, darker version. This is the version that Marvel had originally planned.

So what of the last one? Are we just to forget that it ever happened now that we have this new “upgrade”? I’ve heard of this happening with movies before, such as the Batman series starting all over again with “Batman Begins”. But at least this was many years down the track.

It got me thinking… With the latest Indiana Jones movie at the cinemas, maybe it’s not too early to consider writing a completely new story. This one can feature a less animated, more serious lead character - perhaps played by Vin Diesel. It will have nothing to do with the other movies, and will simply be called “Indy”.