Spring Announcements-2009
 
 
There was an immediate outpouring of sorrow, support and deep concern when a member of the Ask Joanne message board recently posted. “My husband committed suicide this morning.” This tragedy goes right to the heart of our unspoken fears. Whenever a person begins to change the rules of marriage or starts to grow in unanticipated ways, there are reverberations. New behaviors can lead to growth but, sometimes activate dysfunctional coping mechanisms. Most married are exploring an aspect of themselves that is in conflict with the vows of their marriage. Guilt is a constant struggle; we tend to blame ourselves for everything. We worry about the impact and responses of our loved ones. Clearly, suicide may be the most extreme response, but depression, violence and irrational behavior are also potential reactions. If you are blaming yourself for something your husband is feeling or believe you haven’t done enough to make this process go smoothly, do a reality check. Some questions to ask include: • Have you been mean or unkind in your discussions? If so, you can change that. • Did you intentionally marry him, knowing this issue would come up? Even if you had an idea that you were attracted to women, did you think you couldn’t have a satisfying relationship with your spouse at the time you married? • Do you believe you deserve to be treated with respect and caring? If guilt makes you feel that you deserve to be treated badly, then you have work to do on yourself. When you are deciding how to talk to your husband, keep in mind that you probably know him better than anyone else. If he has a history of depression, you need to be extra careful about timing and how you reveal information. If he has no support system, you might suggest starting couples counseling for a while before you bring up details that will upset him. I suggest the following principles: 1. Bring what you know about your husband to the table when you decide how and when to have a talk. 2. Be sensitive to his feelings when talking about upsetting information. 3. Being kind is not equivalent to ignoring your own happiness or well-being. You mustn’t be held hostage to your husband’s problems. This will lead to resentment and discord in the relationship. 4. In the end we can only be responsible for our own happiness. 5. Your situation may bring up many feelings in your husband (or others), but how he handles those feelings is his responsibility. 6. None of us were promised a life free of suffering. Suicide is a way out that offers no chance for learning or redemption. It is an act of violence that will hurt the people who survive. 7. Extreme reactions such as severe intractable depression or picking up addictions, are often related to past unresolved issues. These problems are likely to come up at some point in the marriage, regardless of the particular catalyst. 8. Try to forgive yourself for what you may not have known or been able to handle any differently in the past. Continue to work on maintaining a level of self-awareness that builds on the tough lessons of your life. Working on yourself at this time will benefit you in all relationships, present and future. Have patience and be kind to yourself. Be well and take good care. Joanne
NEW!!!
Philadelphia
Summer
Workshop
July 25 & 25, 2009
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Download the brochure at
www.lavendervisions.com
Register now to attend this summer workshop for married women questioning their sexuality or starting a coming out process.
 
 
 
Individual Therapy
Couples Therapy
Family Therapy
Phone Consultations
 
Contact
Joanne Fleisher, LCSW
Joanne@lavendervisions.com
215 248-0844
 
Facing Your Worst Fear