Holiday time is approaching...often a time of melancholy and conflict if your life is in transition. We are brought together in family settings, both nuclear families and families of origin. If you are living in two worlds, whether in fantasy or reality, this time of year can be daunting. I am offering some ideas to think about during the darker months, as well as new details about the workshop coming up March 1st (only 3 1/2 months away).
Once we recognize what it is we are feeling,
we recognize we can feel deeply, love deeply,
can feel joy, then we will demand that all
parts of our lives produce that kind of joy.
-Audre Lorde
Bisexuality has been a discussion among married women on the Ask Joanne online board that raises as many questions as it does emotions...even bringing into question the value or accuracy of labels in general. I hope to illuminate some of the issues, the research, and the reasons for so much confusion.
Bisexuality has been defined as the ability to fall in love with and/or desire people of the same sex and of the opposite sex. Fritz Klein was a researcher of bisexuality who offered two different models of bisexuality that are quite different.
CONFLICT MODEL
This model proposes that homosexual interests eradicate heterosexual responsiveness. Both interests, therefore, can’t exist side by side without creating irreconcilable conflict. This model is also based on the assumption that men and women represent opposite sexual poles.
Finding one sex erotic therefore precludes finding the other erotic. Once homosexual behavior begins, subsequent heterosexual behavior is seen as hiding or denying one’s homosexuality--and retrospectively renders earlier behavior as instances of denial.
Culturally, bisexuality is viewed with skepticism by both gays and straights, who generally see claims of bisexuality as a failure to adjust to a gay or lesbian orientation.
FLEXIBILITY MODEL
This model holds the notion that homosexuality and heterosexuality can co-exist. Males and females are no longer seen as “opposite” sexes, resolving the apparent conflict that one can’t eroticize two opposite sexual objects at the same time. We see men and women as variations on a theme. Many bisexual people report they are attracted to qualities of particular people rather than aspects of gender per se. It’s possible, according to this model, for homosexual and heterosexual interests to exist side by side without creating conflict.
When I read about these models, I realized how much of my thinking was molded by the general population’s acceptance of the Conflict Model. Some additional points of interest and importance are: Bisexuals can be attracted to both genders,but there is usually a preference, and the preference may change back and forth over time. If we accepted the Flexibility Model as the standard in our culture, I wonder how many women would be suffering so in their attempt to find the right label for themselves.
The Conflict Model has reinforced some common myths that our society holds:
Bisexuality--
is always a phase- ending in either heterosexuality or homosexuality.
represents indecision
Bisexuals--
must be with both sexes simultaneously
can’t commit to one relationship--are not and cannot be monogamous
are gays clinging to heterosexual privilege
While the above myths are inappropriate to attribute to all bisexuals, there certainly are instances where any of these may be operating.
Someone on the Ask Joanne Board aptly explained:
For some, bisexuality is a stage on the way to coming out as lesbian. For some bisexuality may be temporary (and followed by heterosexuality or lesbianism) for others it will be their end position. ONLY THEY CAN SAY. OFTEN ONLY TIME WILL TELL.
Announcements:
Living Two Lives Weekend Workshop: March 1 &2
for Married Women Coming Out or Questioning their Sexuality
Get your online brochure that gives the details of what will happen throughout the weekend, places to stay, and how to register. Meet other women in your situation, and leave with information, guidance and a network of women to help you through this special time in your life.
Email me at joanne@lavendervisions.com
I’m happy to answer your questions and send you the brochure.
Individual and couples telephone consultations are always available if a workshop isn’t possible or if it is too long to wait for.
May you have a peaceful warm holiday.
Joanne
Joanne Fleisher, LCSW
Author of Living Two Lives
www.lavendervisions.com