May, 2008 Musings
 
 
Recently I received an email from a woman who is in love with a married woman. Her experience of waiting for her lover to make necessary changes touches many of us who long for something desperately and wonder how long and how to survive the wait. With her permission, I am sharing this woman’s questions and my response. Unlike you, Joanne, I have never been married to a man and in love with a woman at the same time...however, I am in love with a married woman. We met at a local sporting event that our children were participating in and still do. I don’t question our love and time spent together because I cherish it soooo much. I know that we are not guaranteed tomorrow. The problem I face is that I pour ALL of my heart out and give her ALL of me. In return I only get half of her because, again...she is married! This is not her choice to only give me half of her, but I truly think she (like many people) is afraid of change. I just want her to be happy because there is no reason to not be happy. You only live once, right? I try so hard to hide my pain so she’ll think ALL is right but, in all reality it’s just a band aide for my feelings. I really don’t know how much longer I can take basically “waiting” for her. What do I do now? Just learn to accept the fact that she will never “be mine” AND enjoy the time we have together since we aren’t promised tomorrow, or move on painfully? My Response: How hard it is to have the kind of insight regarding ourselves that we seem to have when helping other people. Your words of wisdom, “I just want her to be happy...there is no reason to not be happy... apply to you, as well. Can a relationship blossom into a deeply intimate and happy experience if either partner is hiding her feelings of unhappiness? Intimacy is built upon honesty and willingness to address areas of conflict. Right now you may think it’s okay to sacrifice your needs in favor of supporting your girlfriend’s needs. However, this lack of balance in your relationship will eventually lead to resentment and emptiness. You’re beginning to experience the effects of the relationship imbalance. Honor your conviction that no one is guaranteed tomorrow. Your answers lie in taking a hard and honest look at how you are feeling today. Does the happiness that you feel with your girlfriend outweigh the loneliness and void created by her unavailability? Are you using the painful times to develop yourself--your search for peace within? Usually this entails maintaining a support system and staying involved with activities and interests that you enjoy and value. Become comfortable with alone time. Use it to focus on yourself, rather than filling it with longing for what isn’t. Only in this way can you know if or when it’s tine to move in a different direction. When find that you are waiting and hoping to find happiness once you do X,Y, or Z in the future, you are essentially letting life slip by. Of course there are events or situations that are beyond your control that you may need to get through. But, we must always evaluate the way we are living in the present. Do you feel good about your life now? Positive feelings may result from taking steps that empower you toward a goal of yours. You can only be certain of what you have in your life now. Putting off happiness until this person changes, or you accomplish something specific, or the kids leave home, etc. will lead you to depression or, at the very least, general dissatisfaction. I’m not suggesting necessarily that you leave your relationship, rather that you keep observing your feelings and attend to your needs in ways that aren’t fully dependent on your girlfriend. I wish you and everyone who has similar questions to remove your judgment and see this current challenge as another opportunity for growth. Joanne Read previous newsletters: joanne's_previous_newsletters joanne%27s_previous_newsletters.htmlshapeimage_1_link_0
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