Blackwater Woods

 

                “To live in this world

 

                you must be able

                to do three things:

                to love what is mortal;

                to hold it

 

                against your bones knowing

                your own life depends on it;

                and, when the time comes to let it go,

                to let it go.”

 

When I first read this poem, I thought about love, life and death, but mostly about the death of someone you love.  More recently, I believe this poem is

about life.

 

I found that letting go of my primary (if not solo) parenting role was one of the most painful aspects of my marital separation  and coming out process.  My husband and I agreed to a co-parenting arrangement that involved equal parenting time.  In some ways we were good parents together.  I took full responsibility for the kids and my husband supported me.  We were a good team.  What I discovered after we separated was that he really didn’t know how much self-sacrifice and attention parenting required.  The kids had a way of letting me know when they were not getting what they needed--they would call me.

“Mom, there’s no food in the refrigerator.  Do you know when Dad’s getting home?”  He and I weren’t living together at the time.

 

One of the great fears of married women with children is that divorce will cause the children to suffer.  I recall how much it hurt me to see the kids struggle, but they survived and even grew from the experience.  I talked to the kids about how to get what they needed.  I talked to my ex-husband about my concerns.  I gave the kids all I could when they were with me and worked on letting go.

 

While this scenario wasn’t what I had originally wanted or expected from my marriage, I took a leap of faith that the details would work out, even though at the time I couldn’t envision exactly how.  I could have fought a battle to gain

full custody, but I knew that a battle would be more harmful to our kids than working with the situation.

 

Most of us are comfortable and feel more in control when we think we know how the future will look.  The belief is that if you stay in your marriage the kids won’t suffer.  We each need to confront that assumption directly and honestly.  Letting go involves a degree of trust that you will handle the specific problems when they arise.  Worrying about all of the potential problems (that may not actually happen) in advance only keeps you anxious and often paralyzed.

 

What I know now is that my discovery of the need to let go at appropriate times opened me to new life.  We all need to make space for change.  I’m with my special woman today, my children are generally happy- they have their own lives and struggles, and I continue to face the process of letting go.