The Buck Stops Here
I’ve thought for many years that my decision to leave my husband and start over by exploring a lesbian life was unique in its impact on my life ever after. It’s no surprise that I’ve had endless opportunities to re-examine my “big decision,” given that I counsel women daily who are facing similar issues.
Upon reflection, I realize that I faced a decision/crossroads at an earlier time in my married life. I wanted something that I thought would make me happier- that my husband didn’t want. There really was no way to compromise. We were living FAR away from my home town where my parents and sister, whom I was very close to, lived. My husband and I had a one year old child, I was a stay-at-home mom at that time, and I was very lonely and depressed. My husband loved his job and life in Denver. I longed to be home in Philadelphia close to my family and a needed support system.
I had tried to make our life work in Denver, to make friends, and adjust to the environment. It had worked while we were still childless. We lived there for two years and if we stayed another year we would likely put down roots there. I wanted to be close to my family of origin and I wanted my children to know and be involved with them.
What made these two decisions similar and so life-altering? In both cases I was deciding whether to pursue my happiness at the expense of my husband’s. Either one or the other of us would be the winner (so it seemed). I had to decide whether my happiness was worth uprooting my husband’s and my world.
I knew I was the one who would have to take responsibility for changing the status quo. When I decisively asked my husband to move after many contentious discussions, I knew that I would face his resentment for some time, and I did. However, somehow I found the strength in both situations to trust both of our abilities to grow, and we did. Perhaps the greatest lesson of these decisions is that there are times in life we must find the courage to be the One responsible for a hard decision. While honesty doesn’t necessarily promote harmony in the moment, it will lead to a life of integrity. Every big decision creates a foundation for facing these important crossroads throughout life.
Upcoming Programs
Gay After Marriage Weekend Workshop
for married women attracted to women
Dates: March 1 & 2, 2008
Place: Center City Philadelphia
Cost; $275
Hotel accommodations are recommended in the workshop brochure.
For workshop details and registration:
Online brochure available on www.lavendervisions.com
Registration is open now and can be made online at
Telephone Conferencing Support Group
A 7 session, weekly hour long support group for married women
attracted to women. Held at 1:00 PM EST- weekday still open. This is a small group format with homework and emails between sessions.
Cost is $315 and can be made online.
Individual and couples therapy available in Joanne’s Philadelphia office.
215 248-0844
Phone consultations available for women who are coming out, questioning, or working on relationship issues.
Visit Joanne’s previous newsletters: joanne's_previous_newsletters