Sick Cycle Carousel

A bit of an update...and the realization that I have to make a decision much sooner rather than later.

Initially my biological father was told that he would have at least two years to live. However that isn’t the case. Sadly, not only has the colon cancer spread throughout his body (meaning that surgery isn’t an option), he’s been told that chemo would kill him. Point blank. He’s undergoing radiation treatment, but has been told that he will only last as long as the radiation does--2 months at most, likely not more than a month.

I wound up explaining my confusion to my youngest brother, who clearly and factually reported my feelings to my biological father. He’s asked permission to write to me (which my brother will have to dictate as he’s too ill to write himself). However, he seems to have accepted or come to the conclusion that he’s SOL as far as a relationship between the two of us is concerned. And I’m not sure if he’s right or not. Do I meet him, not knowing if I’m ready, or do I not, forever forgoing the chance, as well as denying a dying man a deep desire. More than just a little confusion and guilt there.

However, I have tentatively agreed to meet my youngest brother, biological grandfather and uncle when they come to town to visit my biological father at the Cross. To be honest, I’m scared shitless by the prospect, but it felt right when I made the proposal to meet (I did add the caveat that I might bail at the last moment). I’m not sure if I want to do the meeting alone. Fortunately there have been a few who have told me that should I choose to meet them they would act as a buffer. One I wouldn’t ever consider asking, another is sadly too far away to do so, but the pixie made a open offer without my having to ask this afternoon, and I’m fairly sure that there’s an overprotective woman currently on a road-trip who would box my ears if I considered going alone if at all nervous. These are good things to know.

Now I just need to figure out if this is the right game plan for me....

On unrelated news...
Please send warm thoughts East to Goose Bay where a friend is ill...

On the RoMG front, Health Canada is asking for documentation of how I spend my days, when I have headaches (ha ha ha) and yet more information from one of the specialists I saw this Spring (I’m pretty sure on that front though that I don’t need to go back to see her...)

There have been a couple of surprises in the condo doc. package, but so far nothing that will put me off the sale...which the closer I get to doing, no matter how much I’m looking forward to the space, terrifies me...for some reason the thought of having a proper home again is making me want to run...sadly I’m not sure where a) I want to truly run to and b) if I’d be welcome should I choose to do so.

I do hope that things here settle down enough or I get my footing under me so that I can go see Fi, Ash and baby C. in Dublin. I miss Fi, and I think the distraction would be wonderful--there’s just so much going on right now that figuring out when I can/should go is hard.

Of slightly exciting news: I now have four day passes for both Edmonton and Calgary’s Folk Fests--two wonderful long weekends to look forward to. I did Calgary last summer with my mom and she had a blast. As she and I used to go on summer trips together (camping, road trips, etc.) we’ve decided that since last summer was so great, we’d do the mother/daughter friend bonding there again.

As for Edmonton, I have plans to go with one friend for sure, who is excited about the prospect of bringing her wee one to introduce her to the folky goodness. I’m sure other names will pop of up of people I know going...the beauty of folk fest is that even if you decide at the last minute to not go, you’re always guaranteed to get your money back as people are always desperate for tickets by the time the show actually rolls around...

Call It a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. ~Jane Howard
Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, the present, and the future. ~Gail Lumet Buckley
The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another’s desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. ~Erma Bombeck

Wednesday, June 11, 2008